# Mafia in Space! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 10, 2003, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641 "2003-09-10T00:33:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Aslan\_of\_Narnia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecd19e/32.png) [@Aslan\_of\_Narnia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aslan_of_Narnia)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/41 "2003-09-12T02:50:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Super Gnat \* > \*\* > > Also, **Aslan** , will the death scenes give any clues to who the killer is? \*\* No. Although, I think I might do a ‘puzzle’ Mafia game if this one is succesful, where you have to both find out the killer and the secret before a certain point, game time. ---
**Author:** ![poiema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@poiema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/poiema)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/42 "2003-09-12T02:59:59Z")
“well, **thizzlewit** , i can see why you think the way you do. but by the same token, having a reporter around might be a good thing. i mean, he’ll be able to get the news that the rest of us might not hear. besides, **ronincyberpunk** was looking very guilty about something before and he was popping what looked like pain killers. why on saturn would he be doing that??? **d\_redguy** , i think you seem ok. can you tell us anything more? and **thizzlewit** , will you listen if he can? if you do, the next round will be on me. 🙂 and i’ll even splurge for a new straw as you seem to have mangled that one a bit.” ---
**Author:** ![d\_redguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5fc32e/32.png) [@d\_redguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/d_redguy)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/43 "2003-09-12T03:30:15Z")
D\_redguy sighed. It seemed as though he was carrying the entire weight of the world on his shoulders. He usually tried to keep to himself. Now, it seemed, that he had to share some of his lifes’ story just to make sure that it didn’t end today. He wasn’t sure which would be more painful to him: dying or sharing. “I don’t know what you want me to tell you, **poiema**. I’m barely even a reporter. More like a columnist. I have a little blurb that runs in the Sunday _Lifestyles_ section of The Universe. Mostly I run fact checks on the 'net, and fill in the blanks with stuff out of my head. Or rip off National Geographic, to be honest. I write about cultures that nobody thinks about. I sit at a desk, and surf for information. No glamour at all. I don’t like to travel. Sure, I’ve been told that I’m paranoid. Hell, that’s why my wife left me.” “My editor sent me on this trip because he figured that I needed a vacation, and I could do a story while I was out there. I tried to tell him I didn’t want to go. Told him to send someone else. He wouldn’t have it. Honestly, I think he just wanted me out of the office. I bring him the stories I get on the 'net, you know, about the chupacabras and stuff. He laughs at me.” “But this stuff happens! The truth is out there! And I’m going to get to the bottom of it someday…” d\_redguy pauses, realizing that these people are going to laugh at him too. Or think that he’s dangerous. “But then, maybe I won’t. Not if these jackels have their way. Anyway, I don’t like the idea of us killing people at random. We’ve got some bad people on board. Two people died last night. **Someone** is responsible. Maybe we will figure out who. But I’m not voting based on nothing at all. Even if it kills me.” ---
**Author:** ![poiema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@poiema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/poiema)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/44 "2003-09-12T03:42:04Z")
poiema looked at **d\_redguy** and placed her hand over his where it rested by his drink on the bar. she could tell that even the little bit he had shared had been difficult for him. “i don’t think you killed those people,” she said softly, smiling at him. “but until whoever it is is caught, you had better watch your back. it seems someone is out to make sure your story doesn’t get told.” ---
**Author:** ![Thizzlewit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8797f3/32.png) [@Thizzlewit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thizzlewit)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/45 "2003-09-12T03:58:41Z")
Thizzlewit’s new straw is already beginning to look ragged from incessant nibbling. > [@](#): > > I don’t want us to kill anybody, because we have no evidence. Thus, we have just as good a chance to kill a tourist as we do one of these mafioso. So therefore, I’m indirectly condemning someone to death. “Wait’ just a minute, **d\_redguy**. Unless I am gravely mistaken, we will never have a better chance of lynching a mafioso than a tourist, unless there are more mafiosi than tourists, in which case we are all as good as dead. Mafioso are cunning; they aren’t careless enought to leave evidence laying around, and it would be foolish for us to wait for them to do so while they slowly kill us off.” “If you want to let us all die, go ahead and vote for no lynching. The mafia will pick us off one by one, until there are none left. You will have a clear conscience, because you didn’t support the lynching of any passengers… but you won’t be alive to enjoy the moral high ground. Is that really what you want?” > [@](#): > > So therefore, I’m indirectly condemning someone to death. “Please don’t put words in my mouth. I never said you are indirectly condemning someone to death; I said you are indirectly condemning **all of us except the mafiosi** to death. Notice the difference between those two statements.” > [@](#): > > So I must be mafioso. So you want to condemn me to death. Nice tight little logic circle that you have there. “I’ve said it twice already, and I’ll say it again: I don’t know whether you’re a mafioso. I do not want to condemn you to death; condemnation implies that you have been proven guilty of a crime, and you are being sentenced for it. That is not the case. I vote to lynch you purely because I want to survive, and I want as many of my fellow passengers to survive as is possible. If you are lynched today and proven innocent in death, I will be deeply sorry. I will mourn your passing until tomorrow. After that, I will go examine the evidence before me, and vote for another lynching. It is the only way to survive.” > [@](#): > > But I’m not voting based on nothing at all. Even if it kills me. “There you have it: the problem with d\_redguy’s thinking. The reality is, we’ll always be guessing, and if we want to survive, we must start guessing **today**.” Thizzlewit turns to **poiema**. “It is noteworthy that Mr. Redguy felt very different about voting for a lynching earlier this morning. If I recall correctly, he first voted to lynch **aaaaaarrgg** before retracting his vote and declaring his intention to not support a vote. I cannot deduce what could have made him change his mind, but I do find it interesting and somewhat disturbing. **d\_redguy** , perhaps you would like to explain your actions? I am by no means intent on lynching you; I am simply intent on lynching. My mind is open, and I may be convinced to retract my vote.” ---
**Author:** ![d\_redguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5fc32e/32.png) [@d\_redguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/d_redguy)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/46 "2003-09-12T04:16:40Z")
> [@](#): > > Thizzlewit turns to poiema. “It is noteworthy that Mr. Redguy felt very different about voting for a lynching earlier this morning. If I recall correctly, he first voted to lynch aaaaaarrgg before retracting his vote and declaring his intention to not support a vote. I cannot deduce what could have made him change his mind, but I do find it interesting and somewhat disturbing. d\_redguy, perhaps you would like to explain your actions? I am by no means intent on lynching you; I am simply intent on lynching. My mind is open, and I may be convinced to retract my vote.” “Actually, I never did change my mind. I never supported a vote. If you recall \ I was going to vote in alphabetical order until I was convinced otherwise. Look, if we have to kill to protect ourselves, the so be it. But choosing someone at random is foolish. That’s my opinion. Look at it this way, Thizzlewit: I’m not voting to have **you** lynched. Why? Because I don’t have _any_ evidence that you are guilty of anything. You wanna kill someone, convince them. You’ll be just as much of a murderer as whoever did what they did last night in my eyes. I may be paranoid, and I might be a coward. But I won’t vote at random. Look arond the room. See who’s talking. Use your head. Plenty of people have my head on a chopping block already. So it doesn’t matter what I say at this point. It’ll either happen, or it won’t.” D\_redguy suddenly realized poiema’s hand resting on his at the bar. He pulled away quickly. If these people were going to kill him, he damn well didn’t want to have anything _else_ to regret…nor did he want anyone else hurt. ---
**Author:** ![poiema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@poiema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/poiema)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/47 "2003-09-12T04:17:58Z")
“you both give compelling arguments. and i understand where both of you are coming from. i agree with **thizzlewit** that we need to do something. but i also don’t think **d\_redguy** is the killer. but then, i have always had a soft spot for straw chewing lemonade drinkers and another for those who carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.” ☹ poiema sighed heavily and shook her head. “this trip was supposed to be a relaxing vacation. i think i can hang up that idea officially now.” she held up her straw for **thizzlewit** to see the shredded end. “wouldn’t you agree?” ---
**Author:** ![Thizzlewit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8797f3/32.png) [@Thizzlewit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thizzlewit)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/48 "2003-09-12T16:03:25Z")
> [@](#): > > Look at it this way, Thizzlewit: I’m not voting to have you lynched. Why? Because I don’t have any evidence that you are guilty of anything. You wanna kill someone, convince them. You’ll be just as much of a murderer as whoever did what they did last night in my eyes. “ **d\_redguy** , what is evidence? What would convince you of someone’s guilt? The truth is that, unless you’re a cop, you’ll never be sure of the murderers’ identifies until they are dead. And if you’re a cop, there is nothing – **nothing** – you can do to prove your identity and your story to the rest of us without making yourself the mafia’s next target.” “I have explained my reasoning to the best of my ability; you have done the same, and yet we still disagree. I see nothing left to discuss. I have placed my vote; now, I will retire to my room and await the decision of the majority. **d\_redguy** , you may be a fine fellow, and in the event that we both survive this ordeal, I would like to think we could be friends afterward. **poiema** , I wish you well.” Thizzlewit stood, sighed, and began the long walk to his second class quarters. ---
**Author:** ![Werebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c89c15/32.png) [@Werebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Werebear)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/49 "2003-09-12T18:40:15Z")
A large furry character that had been lurking in a corner eating food in large quantities speaks up. “d\_redguy, is there any proof you are what you say you are? Are you an active reporter, researching articles to be published?” Werebear motions for more food, and continues eating. ---
**Author:** ![poiema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@poiema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/poiema)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2003, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/50 "2003-09-12T22:03:34Z")
poiema sighed and stoff up. she turned to the furry creature who had spoken to **d\_redguy**. “maybe you can help clear up this mess. i think everyone is barking up the wrong tree here,” she said sadly. “ **d\_redguy** , i’ll see you later. i have to go get some sleep before my head explodes. good night you two. and good luck.” ---
**Author:** ![d\_redguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5fc32e/32.png) [@d\_redguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/d_redguy)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/51 "2003-09-13T00:57:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Werebear \* > \*\*A large furry character that had been lurking in a corner eating food in large quantities speaks up. > > “d\_redguy, is there any proof you are what you say you are? Are you an active reporter, researching articles to be published?” > > Werebear motions for more food, and continues eating. \*\* d\_redguy signals to the robotic bartender, which glides over to him. \<_Can I help you, kind sir?_\> “Yes, thank you. Could you please bring a 'net display?” \<_Certainly sir._\> “Thank you.” The robot barkeep glides to their left, then off toward the back of the area behind the bar. It bends slightly at the waist and reaches out with its left hand, and brings a small cylinder over to d\_redguy. “I’ve been writing for The Universe for the last 14 years. Been through 6 editors.” he says, manipulating the 'net display in his hands, “Every Sunday, _Lifestyles_ section…” The little cylinder emits a soft hum, and a light bursts out along the length of it. d\_redguy sets the 'net surfer down on the bar, and a shimmering square of light forms in front of his face, about 21 enches diagonally. The familiar [googleplex.com](http://notarealwebsite.com) search engine appears, apparently set by default. d\_redguy motions with his right finger, and a standard 347 key keyboard appears just above the cylinder, appearing to float about an ench above the bar. He types his own name into the search engine, then selects the first link that appears. “There you go. Last weeks column: ‘The Fantabulous Secrets of the Epyon-7 Sartmani Tribe’. I can see how you would have missed it, I guess. My current editor sticks my column under the page 93 girl. (Huh. Those Twi’lek girls can be attractive…) If you want to read the rest, click that link there…” Indeed, there on the screen is a Twi’lek girl, her smile shimmering and her head-tentacles strategically placed for the barest of modesty. Just under her caption (Turn-ons including strange young men in black robes, Turn-offs involving something about Rancor monsters) is an article discussing the Sartami Tribe of Epyon-7. Included is the byline “d\_redguy”, and a small picture, about 1/2 by 2/3 enches, of d\_redguy, glaring into the camera. The likeness certainly isn’t flattering, but it bears much more than a passing resemblence to the man in front of the screen. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_Dirx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b77776/32.png) [@Sir\_Dirx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_Dirx)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/52 "2003-09-13T01:50:54Z")
Dirx crossed the room and sat at the bar, noticing d\_redguy’s net display. “You know, I think I’ve read your column a few times. Not too bad.” He signaled to the barkeep and ordered an expensive exotic drink. Sipping from it and staring out the large window, he said, “You know, something’s bothering me. This ship is pretty quiet right now. You’d think there’d be more panic and gossip after last night.” He turned to face d\_redguy and Werebear. “Where is everybody? You think maybe the real killer is off in hiding? We might want to look in on where everyone is what they’ve been doing…” ---
**Author:** ![percypercy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8baadc/32.png) [@percypercy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/percypercy)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/53 "2003-09-13T03:16:02Z")
percypercy shakes herself awake and lifts her head from the bar. Her thoughts were jumbled. “Damn, I haven’t drunk that much since that New Year’s on Io. What was I babbling about again? Aw, damn it… I started ranting about Frank again, accused some guy of being a killer because he might be a Martian. Damn Frank. That’s what pure Mercurian alcohol will do to a girl. Better see if I can patch things up.” She got up unsteadily and scanned the room for the reporter. Finding him sitting with another man she sat on his other side. “Hi,” she said quietly. It was worth a shot. -Lil ---
**Author:** ![Thizzlewit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8797f3/32.png) [@Thizzlewit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thizzlewit)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/54 "2003-09-13T03:35:12Z")
Rapid-fire footstomps echo down the hallway as Thizzlewit hurriedly returned to the ship’s lounge. “Barkeep! Lemonade. No, wait, no lemonade, I need a mixed drink. I’ll have a Neptunian Hammer.” Thizzlewit seated himself at a barstool near **d\_redguy** and **Sir Dirx**. “ **d\_redguy** , I was walking back to my room when it occurred to me that you might be able to offer us some assistance, and perhaps give us reason to believe your occupational claim as well.” “You, sir, claim to be a reporter. If that is truly what you are, then I am sure you must have been up investigating all the commotion last night. Tell us where you went, and what you saw; perhaps we can make use of the information, and if it proves true, you will be vindicated, at least partially.” “Under normal circumstances, I would not ask you to divulge this information, but since you have already revealed your profession to us, I don’t see how it would put you in any more danger than you are already in.” * * * [out of character] Ok, **d\_redguy**. You claim to be the cowardly reporter… deliver the goods. You’re already a prime mafia target because of your claim, and telling us about last night’s investigation won’t put you at any more risk. It may, however, give us valuable information about you and the killer. So… who did you investigate, and were they in their room or out? If you lie, there will probably be at least one non-mafia player out there who knows it. Likewise if you tell the truth. [/out of character] ---
**Author:** ![Improv\_Geek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b3f665/32.png) [@Improv\_Geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Improv_Geek)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/55 "2003-09-13T04:32:09Z")
Ronin’s been keeping to himself lately, sitting in the bar making himself seen though he’s quiet as usual. He’s no longer drunk, deciding he would rather be sober for this. ---
**Author:** ![Thizzlewit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8797f3/32.png) [@Thizzlewit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thizzlewit)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/56 "2003-09-13T04:35:33Z")
[out of character] Wait a minute… **Ronin** , you can become sober just by deciding you’d rather be sober? Is that some sort of special in-game ability? 😃 [/out of character] ---
**Author:** ![Improv\_Geek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b3f665/32.png) [@Improv\_Geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Improv_Geek)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/57 "2003-09-13T04:37:22Z")
[ooc]Oh yeah, I have to remember our days aren’t his… dang[/ooc] Ronin’s so drunk he thinks he is sober so he is rather confused as you can tell. ---
**Author:** ![poiema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@poiema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/poiema)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/58 "2003-09-13T04:49:36Z")
[out of character] hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ronin, you owe me a keyboard!!! mine is now drenched with cherry coke. 😃 [/out of character] ---
**Author:** ![Toaster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@Toaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toaster)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/59 "2003-09-13T05:12:54Z")
“Sweet zombie jesus, I’m never going to eat…whatever the hell it was I ate last night again. Hell, I can’t remember, how am I not going to eat it again? Bah…” Toaster groaned and burped loudly, wandering into the bar area where it seems so many are sequestering. “I don’t know how long I slept, but I had the weirdest nightmare that there was some duck squealing in my ear and that some people were murdered…” Toaster looked around. And listened around. Hm. Apparently that dreamduck was right. Toaster hung around a while, listening to arguments about who was to blame. d\_redman seemed pretty logical, at any rate, with his side. And Thizzlewit was arguing a lot against it. Perhaps Thizzlewit was afraid. Perhaps Thizzlewit had done something _naughty_. But probably not. Ooh, a fuzzy critter! Toaster thought back to seeing some of the passengers enter. There was that one that seemed pretty “off,” and judging by what some of the others were saying, Toaster was not the only one with that feeling. “ **XWalrus2** seems a more likely candidate than some news-hound. I mean, come on, if he wants a story about himself, best to write it about himself, instead of killing folk, he wouldn’t throw his career out the window into the limitless vacuum of space unless the brain slugs got him, you know? Yeah? Hah. Lynch eh? We’ll not only have _BURP_ – pardon – a mob, but the Mob too! Wheeheehee. I like mobs.” Toaster yawned, plomped down in a chair and stared forward blankly like an old tired dog while still listening to the people yammer and eat and drink and flirt, since it was more interesting than staring at the floor while listening to same. ---
**Author:** ![d\_redguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5fc32e/32.png) [@d\_redguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/d_redguy)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2003, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641/60 "2003-09-13T06:14:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Thizzlewit \* > [B"You, sir, claim to be a reporter. If that is truly what you are, then I am sure you must have been up investigating all the commotion last night. Tell us where you went, and what you saw; perhaps we can make use of the information, and if it proves true, you will be vindicated, at least partially." > > “Under normal circumstances, I would not ask you to divulge this information, but since you have already revealed your profession to us, I don’t see how it would put you in any more danger than you are already in.”\*\* “If I knew something, wouldn’t I be telling? Don’t you get it yet?” d\_redguy was starting to get annoyed. This **Thizzlewit** sure didn’t know when to let up on a guy. First he’s trying to get me killed, now he wants evidence that I don’t have! Unbelievable! “If I had evidence, I would tell you. Not only would I tell you, but I would be questioning people. After I questioned some people, I would probably come to some conclusions. Don’t you think? Back off, guy. I’m tired of this game that you’re playing, and I’m not having it anymore!” Wow, d\_redguy thought. I can’t believe I just told this guy off! Where the hell did that come from?..Of course he did have a point. Here he was, sitting at the bar. Why wasn’t he out there looking for something? “Because you’re a coward!” his inner voice yelled at him. “Go ahead! Poke your nose around! It really _will_ get you killed!” “Piss off.” he said out loud, as he shoved the 'net surfer off of the bar, storming out of the lounge. He was going to find the truth. “Let 'em come.” he muttered, “I’m gonna find something, Og willing…” [ooc]Sorry Thizzle, Aslan ain’t givin me squat at this point. We’ll just have to see what turns up…[/ooc] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mafia-in-space/200641.md?page=4)