# Make up the worst possible opening line. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 4, 2006, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276 "2006-08-04T02:12:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/1 "2006-08-04T02:12:50Z")
[Blatantly stolen from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.](http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/) Here is the canonical ancient example, also the first usage of a classic cliché: > [@Edward George Bulwer-Lytton](#): > > It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents–except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. And [here](http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/lyttony.htm) are some past winners, to prime the pump: > [@](#): > > ``` > The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarous tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal." > --Steven Garman, Pensacola, Florida (1984 Winner) > > ``` > [@](#): > > Sultry it was and humid, but no whisper of air caused the plump, laden spears of golden grain to nod their burdened heads as they unheedingly awaited the cyclic rape of their gleaming treasure, while overhead the burning orb of luminescence ascended its ever-upward path toward a sweltering celestial apex, for although it is not in Kansas that our story takes place, it looks godawful like it. > –Judy Frazier, Lathrop, Missouri (1991 Winner) > [@](#): > > She wasn’t really my type, a hard-looking but untalented reporter from the local cat box liner, but the first second that the third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and, humming “The Twelfth of Never,” I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth. > –Wm. W. “Buddy” Ocheltree, Port Townsend, Washington (1993 Winner) [Also blatantly stolen from the Lyttle Lytton Contest.](http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html) > [@](#): > > Jennifer stood there, quietly ovulating. > –Adam Cadre > [@](#): > > The mega beasts were united by only one thing: their size. > –entry not signed > [@](#): > > Bill’s goiter had burst and it was on my head, Mary thought quietly. > –Jim McGarva > [@](#): > > Before I drop this narrative shit, here’s a quick shout-out to that old Classics professor who said I couldn’t write for jack: yo, suck me! > –Mark Silcox > [@](#): > > “Joy is contagious,” he said, peering into the microscope. > –Morgan Shinstine [And a couple of outright cheats](http://adamcadre.ac/06lyttle.html): > [@](#): > > The evil Intergalactic Emperor surveyed the destruction he wrought. “Booyah!” he cried with glee. “I’m in ur base! I’m killing all ur mans!” > –James Wall > [@](#): > > “And that’s when I stabbed her in the face,” Jake finished. The rest of the support group looked on in horror and abject confusion. They weren’t sure what this had to do with testicular cancer, but they knew it had to be bad. > –Amanda Teager (Scroll down to find them.) So, what is the best Dopers can do? ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/2 "2006-08-04T02:46:07Z")
Todd was sure it was going to be a bad day - he’d already woken up dead, in any case. – Ken was always a do it yourself kind of fellow (that was, though this has little bearing on anything, why nobody would shake his hand without asking if he had had a ‘hot date’ recently), but he was soon to learn the dangers of DIY surgery. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/3 "2006-08-04T02:56:55Z")
The Sea was angry that night, my friend, but he didn’t know it as he slipped silently through the desert sands towards that nubile camel, tethered and helpless to resist his lustful urges, like a virgin sacrifice to a forgotten god in a place forgotten long ago by mortal men, when the lands were fresh and unspoiled by generations of exploitation by the evil drones of the faceless companies enslaved by commerce to toil forever for the benefit of unseen masters. ---
**Author:** ![minlokwat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/minlokwat/32/2844_2.png) [@minlokwat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minlokwat)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/4 "2006-08-04T02:59:52Z")
I was born an orphan; my father died two years before I was born and then my mother, a year later. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/5 "2006-08-04T03:02:00Z")
Derleth the thread killer flexed his Mighty Keyboard Rex, spat into the desk drawer next to his monitor, which he used as a spittoon; the drawer, that is. not the monitor, which was a beautiful 21" NEC LCD widescreen that Derleth had claimed as a trophy after vanquishing a minor yet wealthy troll whose name would never again besmirch Derlth’s lips, or his Mighty Keyboard Rex’s keys for that matter, several of which were getting a little sticky from spittoon backsplash, so much so that Derleth began to consider a splashguard on Rex’s left edge to save the liitle remaining functionality of the CAPS LOCK key, as Derleth could not imagine thread killing without LOTS OF CAPITALIZATION, but he brushed the thought aside in his mad dash toward venting his righteous anger at that BITCH Mother Teresa, whom Derleth considered a major league ATTENTION WHORE even in death; and thus began sliding down that slippery slope the resy of us call Alzheimer’s disease, and began to type the most incoherent flame ever seen on the Web since the days of Cecil the Almost All Knowing. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/6 "2006-08-04T03:10:21Z")
My first (and last) attempt at writing a great fantasy novel began thus - “As the full moon slowly set over the dark, still mountains, the valley below echoed with a resounding belch.” ---
**Author:** ![Salt\_Seller](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@Salt\_Seller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salt_Seller)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/7 "2006-08-04T03:10:21Z")
There were several times in his life that Reginald regretted having a prosthetic, female rhino-butt surgically attached to his head, and this would be one of them. ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/8 "2006-08-04T03:12:31Z")
The night was moist… ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/9 "2006-08-04T03:40:05Z")
“The President stared at the button and wondered what chain of events had led to this moment.” > [@Bobotheoptimist](#): > > My first (and last) attempt at writing a great fantasy novel began thus - > “As the full moon slowly set over the dark, still mountains, the valley below echoed with a resounding belch.” Well, heck, I once started a short story with “At that moment, Commander Tsala decided she _liked_ the smell of burnt flesh.” ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/10 "2006-08-04T03:48:02Z")
It was hot. And Dark. And humid…but mostly dark, with a little sticky thrown in for good measure. It was a night deodorant manufacturers dreamed of. Only, it wasn’t night. It was underground. And underground it wouldn’t stay for long. ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/11 "2006-08-04T03:54:13Z")
There was one list in **Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans** (a compilation of fiction from McSweeney’s) titled “Opening Lines to Stories I Will Never Write.” They were all fantastic, but the one I remember best is: _“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” he thought._ I have it packed away, or else I would give the author due credit. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/12 "2006-08-04T04:17:46Z")
> [@Bryan Ekers](#): > > Well, heck, I once started a short story with “At that moment, Commander Tsala decided she _liked_ the smell of burnt flesh.” That’d hook me, unless it was a love story… No, \*especially \*if it was a love story. I’m going to take a walk, it’s too goddamn sultry in here. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/13 "2006-08-04T04:29:05Z")
“I’m going to take a walk,” he said. “It’s too goddam sultry in here.” And then her friend walked in and there were two sultries in there. So he turned around and decided to sweat it out. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/14 "2006-08-04T05:02:39Z")
> [@Bobotheoptimist](#): > > That’d hook me, unless it was a love story… No, \*especially \*if it was a love story. Star Trek fanfic, actually, involving Romulans and Saavik and Barclay and Ro. Anyhoo, how does this grab you: “The first splash of moisture this particular stretch of the dessert felt in months was a slightly-furred ball of spit splashing on the sand, expectorated by Achmed from atop his camel, waiting calmly as he did every tenth day for the British colonel to arrive for his dates.” ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/15 "2006-08-04T05:14:18Z")
Alas, the first sentence of _Atlanta Nights_ is “Pain.” Good foreshadowing, but not uniquely bad. ---
**Author:** ![Zahava424](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/76d3ee/32.png) [@Zahava424](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zahava424)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/16 "2006-08-04T06:14:15Z")
She put down her lipstick-stained coffee cup and looked meditatively into the distance, tapping a pencil against her teeth. The chief walked in just as she was about to fill in 43-down on the crossword puzzle. “Come on,” he said. “We’ve got to go. Miss Rochester’s just been stabbed with a staple remover.” ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/17 "2006-08-04T06:49:15Z")
**Boyo Jim** : That was _beautiful_. I cracked up. “It was for the best ‘Crazy’ Eddie never finished medical school: The world isn’t ready for a gynecologist who believes all lips need Carmex.” “Jeb could accept a talking ass as one of God’s miracles, but an ass that spoke in blank iambic pentameter after a five-bean salad had gone just a few feet too far.” “As I slowly loped to the ER, chagrin and a strange sense of pride overwhelmed the pain: He really _had_ broken his foot off in my ass.” ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/18 "2006-08-04T13:47:03Z")
“I was impaled upon the Dildo of Despair; and not in a good way either.” ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/19 "2006-08-04T14:01:30Z")
I see to recall this won the contest one year: “The white gravel of the driveway crunched under my feet like a carpet of broken knuckles.” ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2006, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/20 "2006-08-04T14:54:36Z")
So what are the rules? Can it only be one sentence? “My mother always looks so sexy when she first awakes in the morning, reminding me of a girlfriend I had in college who, in turn, reminded me of my mother at the time.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276.md?page=2)