# Make up the worst possible opening line. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 4, 2006, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276 "2006-08-04T02:12:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2006, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/81 "2006-08-05T21:21:16Z")
> [@Phantom Dennis](#): > > What’s the criteria for “worst opening line”? Some of the examples posted don’t seem bad to me – some are even quite clever. Yeah, I’m not sure all the contributors so far quite grasp the concept. Many of the opening lines so far are not bad at all. They may portend a bad BOOK but that is not the same thing. There was another line in the article I read on the contest that sounded like all the worst elements of a Tom Clancy novel. It went something like “Mack A’Sassin leapt from the door of the Bell 241 double-rotor helicopter, knowing his Ruger 224 9mm automatic and its 15-round magazine was safety tucket into his Tilley utility belt, and landed atop the speeding Mercedes Z3 with a 5-speed manual transmission, 345 horsepower engine, and 17-inch Pirelli tires.” It was hilariously brutal and yet so true to the Clancy genre. You could do the same for most genre works. Like this: > [@](#): > > Kin’Tella, the lost princess to the throne of the Kingdom of Tirana, found herself face to face with the great dragon Moag, and said a silent prayer to the Goddess that her powers of Magick would be enough to save herself and her companions: Kol’Thul the barbarian warrior from the North, Merrick the clever rogue, and Hussan, the mysterious dark man from the faraway reaches of the Death Mountains. Now THAT is a really terrible opening line, because it has the three key elements of a really terrible opening line: 1. It’s horribly, horribly written, 2. As badly written as it is you could almost believe this line ppearing in a fantasy novel and 3. It encompasses all the worst cliches of fantasy novels: - Names with apostrophes in them - The heroine is a lost heir to a kingdom - There’s a dragon - Cute pseudo-Renassaire-Faire-misspellings like “magick” - Stock characters - Reference to a “goddess.” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2006, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/82 "2006-08-05T21:33:54Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Yeah, I’m not sure all the contributors so far quite grasp the concept. Many of the opening lines so far are not bad at all. They may portend a bad BOOK but that is not the same thing. Yes, but we’re not writing bad _books_. We’re writing parodies of bad opening lines and trying to get a laugh. Or at least that’s what I was going for. Personally, I’d limit the entries to a single sentence, 25 words or fewer. “They say an enema isn’t the best way to start a career as an international spy, but they’re wrong.” ---
**Author:** ![Hugh\_Jass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4da419/32.png) [@Hugh\_Jass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugh_Jass)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/83 "2006-08-06T02:30:41Z")
Boyo Jim’s entry inspired this for me: The gun’s report so close to Mike’s ear resulted in a permanent 10% hearing loss, but since it was the second time Mike had the misfortune of being so close to a discharging pistol, and both times resulted in a permanent 10% hearing loss, the grand total hearing loss Mike had received from the guns discharging so close to his ear was 19% (10% hearing loss the first time, resulting in 90% hearing, and 10% percent of the new sum total of his hearing amounting to 9% of the original total. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/84 "2006-08-06T02:38:51Z")
> [@Hugh Jass](#): > > Boyo Jim’s entry inspired this for me: > > The gun’s report so close to Mike’s ear resulted in a permanent 10% hearing loss, but since it was the second time Mike had the misfortune of being so close to a discharging pistol, and both times resulted in a permanent 10% hearing loss, the grand total hearing loss Mike had received from the guns discharging so close to his ear was 19% (10% hearing loss the first time, resulting in 90% hearing, and 10% percent of the new sum total of his hearing amounting to 9% of the original total. Thank you. I am flattered and amused. ---
**Author:** ![look\_ninjas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b2d939/32.png) [@look\_ninjas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/look_ninjas)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/85 "2006-08-06T03:24:50Z")
And this was when Margarethe knew that her well-beloved nurse, aged face twinkling beneath her starched white cap, had been right all along when she pronounced, in tremulous tones, “If you can’t be bothered to wash your own knickers, my dear, you must be prepared to face the consequences.” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/86 "2006-08-06T03:27:55Z")
Douglas Keffle was jaded; clubbed to death on his balcony with green stone. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/87 "2006-08-06T03:41:06Z")
> [@Bryan Ekers](#): > > “They say an enema isn’t the best way to start a career as an international spy, but they’re wrong.” But that actually isn’t a bad opening line. It’s hilarious; it makes me think the rest of the book might be funny, like something Dave Barry would write. It’s shorter than the REALLY bad opening lines, and it’s well written. It’s bad in a way, but it seems too deliberately bad. Here is a bad opening line: > [@](#): > > A single sparkling tear fell from Little Mary’s cheek onto the sidewalk, then slid into the storm drain, there to join in its course the mighty waters of the Los Angeles River and, eventually, Long Beach Harbor, with its state-of-the-art container-freight processing facilities. - Bill MacIver, Berkeley. Let me write another one: > [@](#): > > Taebo hesitated before pressing the doorbell of the gorgeous twelve-bedroom, $9 million Beverley Hills estate, which had a pool house and eight-car garage, and checked herself over to make sure her Manolo Blahnik shoes, Kate Spade bag, and Anne Klein watch were perfectly arranged to accentuate the Versace dress she had purchased just hours before. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/88 "2006-08-06T03:43:31Z")
Jeremy was already blind, and so could take all the boner pills he wanted. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/89 "2006-08-06T04:27:17Z")
Rocky Balboa thought, for perhaps the sixth time, that he ought to fight professionally. again. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/90 "2006-08-06T04:34:26Z")
It was the 1980s that had been his golden age and Seymour had been trying to recapture that time through Viagra, hair implants and dance lessons, but no pharmacist, dermatologist or Arthur Murray instructor had been able to deter the middle-aged man that now steadily appeared in the bathroom mirror, however sufficiently determined. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/91 "2006-08-06T05:01:19Z")
It was the worst of times, it was the best times … wait, it was actually really neither, but there certainly were a lot of drama queens around back then. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/92 "2006-08-06T05:57:18Z")
> [@Hugh Jass](#): > > “Look,” said the man with the bolo tie in a offhand manner that belied his intense consternation at the most recent turn of events which had, among other things, been created by his accidental shooting of both the sheriff and the deputy, “over there.” This is a fantastic sentence, I’ve been laughing over it off and on for about two hours. Sailboat ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/93 "2006-08-06T06:17:42Z")
> [@Beadalin](#): > > His pointless quest was unnecessary, which rendered its futile objective even more inane: the ultimately unproductive goal was not only inconsequential, but irrelevant… and his tactics to achieve it useless. Excellent ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/94 "2006-08-06T06:35:08Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Taebo hesitated before pressing the doorbell of the gorgeous twelve-bedroom, $9 million Beverley Hills estate, which had a pool house and eight-car garage, and checked herself over to make sure her Manolo Blahnik shoes, Kate Spade bag, and Anne Klein watch were perfectly arranged to accentuate the Versace dress she had purchased just hours before. You sure you didn’t steal that from Bret Easton Ellis? ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/95 "2006-08-06T07:41:52Z")
Although he had been told time and again that there was nothing to be found in the East River, the hook on Ben’s fishing line proved otherwise, having managed to retrieve, over the course of the last week, an entire clothing ensemble, portions of which were still being modeled by the remains of their former owners. * * * Although some things are better left unsaid, Ben thought it prudent, having watched the bullet rip clear through his loins, to say “Ow.” * * * The knife slid across with fluid ease in one sweet motion, a sticky redness slowly spreading across the surface, dripping on to the floor, as Randall made certain to cover every inch of peanut butter. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 10:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/96 "2006-08-06T10:02:28Z")
It was while channel-surfing that Randal’s epiphany about oranges occurred. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/97 "2006-08-06T22:03:24Z")
All my life people told me "sit up straight! and “watch the speed limit” and “don’t end sentences with prepositions” but today’s the day I stand up… um, for myself and strike back… um, against the rules. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276/98 "2006-08-06T22:30:05Z")
I hate to be a thread killer for this, but way up in the OP is a link with an email address to send in entries directly to the contest, as many entries as you want, by email. BUT, they must be previously unpublished, which presumably includes on the SDMB. So I will be sending future entries straight to the judges, as I seem to write badly rather well. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-the-worst-possible-opening-line/367276.md?page=4)