# Make up your mind: Do you want to be a parent or not? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 14, 2007, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605 "2007-08-14T20:46:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2007, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/61 "2007-08-15T19:21:58Z")
[QUOTE=Jodi] And yes, he is documenting everything, though again he doesn’t know that he will really need it. She isn’t exercising her visitation now, and she isn’t paying child support (though she’s supposed to). So he doesn’t see much point in changing the custody arrangements anyway. But that may change, so he’s writing everything down. [/QUOTE] Good. You never know when an absent parent with “issues” will crawl out from under the carpet and make a run at custody. Best to be prepared. ---
**Author:** ![Aioua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@Aioua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aioua)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2007, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/62 "2007-08-15T19:37:08Z")
[QUOTE=RickJay] It kills me to go away on business for a couple of days and hear my daughter asking me where I am when I phone home. How can someone not love their kids so much they’d do absolutely anything for them? I’d die a thousand deaths for the Small One. Fly across the country? I’d build a plane out of popsicle sticks and duct tape if that’s what it took. [/QUOTE] Idunno why, but this one got me to tear up. And I’m just some 20 year-old punk kid! Feh on deadbeat parents. I’ve got one myself. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2007, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/63 "2007-08-15T19:45:13Z")
I suggest horseback riding. In the hearts of many - maybe even most - eight year old girls horses can soothe the pain of lost dolls, pets that have passed away, and maybe even a distant mother. At least for an afternoon. In addition to Build A Bear, there is also Libby Lu (the spa for six year olds - not up my alley, but worth mentioning). (it may be difficult to find someplace that will let a six year old ride - we had to look long and hard). Anyway, I’m sorry to hear about the pain your family is going through. ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2007, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/64 "2007-08-15T19:48:30Z")
Good to hear, **Jodi**. It’s unfortunate that bad people happen to good people. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2007, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/65 "2007-08-15T19:49:54Z")
Oh, I’d encourage your brother to help his daughter find a passion (then let me know if its successful - we are looking for one for our seven year old - her passion is apparently TV watching). If she can get into Tae Kwon Do or dance or riding or gymnastics or theatre or art (you want something she can excel at as an individual that takes discipline and work - but that she loves enough not to know its work) - she’ll have something to direct her emotions and energy towards. That in itself can be a big committment for a single parent - since kids passions can be fairly time intensive for Dad (and a lot of these hobbies are far from cheap). ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2007, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/66 "2007-08-15T20:12:54Z")
[QUOTE=brownie55] Thanks for the serious ass kicking you all gave me. I was wrong. Saying I am sorry won’t make it right, but I hope it helps. I have seen too many instances of character assassination in exactly this way, but I should not have believed Jodi was acting in any way that was less than totally honorable. I am sorry. [/QUOTE] We all have our hot button issues and sometimes we don’t realize our button has been nudged accidentally. It means a lot that you came back in here and manned up. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2007, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/67 "2007-08-15T20:22:31Z")
[QUOTE=brownie55] I have seen too many instances of character assassination in exactly this way, but I should not have believed Jodi was acting in any way that was less than totally honorable. [/QUOTE] Thank you. FTR, if I’d made it up, I would have left out the cake as too pathetically and intentionally “heart-wrenching”. Unfortunately, every word of it is true. (Hijack: I had a friend who came home to find her SO in bed with another woman. She was infuriated by the betrayal, but she was also pissed off that he had forced her to participate in such a trite and unoriginal little drama. She and I are a lot alike.) I can’t say I never lie, though I try not to, but I can say I don’t lie here. That I can recall. There isn’t really any reason to. ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2007, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/68 "2007-08-15T21:24:29Z")
[QUOTE=lisacurl] It means a lot that you came back in here and manned up. 🙂 [/QUOTE] I agree, **brownie55**. Good on you. ---
**Author:** ![brownie55](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f14d63/32.png) [@brownie55](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brownie55)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/69 "2007-08-16T00:23:24Z")
[QUOTE=EJsGirl] I agree, **brownie55**. Good on you. [/QUOTE] **Lisacurl** and **EJsGirl,** thanks. \*\*Jodi, \*\*Thanks even more. I have an enforced 5 day or so hiatus due to work travel and I hope to use that to reflect on my contributions here. I have decided I want to be a force for good and now need to find the discipline to make that work. **Jodi,** you really are one of the good guys here, and even though I may not agree with all you post, I respect your views. I learned a valuable lesson, and I am upset that it had to be at your expense. Enough whining for now, I hope it all works out for your brother. Please give him all the support you can, it’s never easy being the single dad. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/70 "2007-08-16T00:46:36Z")
Nicely done, **brownie55**. It takes guts to own up like that. **Jodi** , let us know how the weekend goes, ok? ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/71 "2007-08-16T01:56:24Z")
My daughter has never met her father. She is 8 years old. I worried like hell that she’d idolise him or I’d demonise him or some other horrible messed up mothering mistake would be laid at my doorstep. She’s my only child and I’m her only parent, there’s no room for mistakes. Occasionally his family gets in touch and makes noises like he’s about to visit - he never does. Never even contacted my lawyer about setting anything up. My daughter started asking about him and I took the middle ground of saying that he didn’t know how to be a good dad to her. I was disappointed with him because he made bad decisions and she and I deserved better. That’s the truth stripped of all the anger and avoiding Disneyfication. It was the best I could do. She kept asking and I had no other answers, I didn’t even understand what she was asking, because my dad has always been there for me. But… his dad walked out on him and his family. So my dad talked to my daughter. One abandoned child to another. Neither of them has talked to me about what they shared, it’s their business. She now has a role model she respects (and that I trust). She has had her questions answered for the moment and knows where to go to ask more. Jodi, do you have a good friend / relative who has been through this and come out as a whole, healthy adult? Could your niece talk to her? ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/72 "2007-08-16T02:21:40Z")
[QUOTE=maggenpye] My daughter has never met her father. She is 8 years old. I worried like hell that she’d idolise him or I’d demonise him or some other horrible messed up mothering mistake would be laid at my doorstep. She’s my only child and I’m her only parent, there’s no room for mistakes. Occasionally his family gets in touch and makes noises like he’s about to visit - he never does. Never even contacted my lawyer about setting anything up. My daughter started asking about him and I took the middle ground of saying that he didn’t know how to be a good dad to her. I was disappointed with him because he made bad decisions and she and I deserved better. That’s the truth stripped of all the anger and avoiding Disneyfication. It was the best I could do. She kept asking and I had no other answers, I didn’t even understand what she was asking, because my dad has always been there for me. But… his dad walked out on him and his family. So my dad talked to my daughter. One abandoned child to another. Neither of them has talked to me about what they shared, it’s their business. She now has a role model she respects (and that I trust). She has had her questions answered for the moment and knows where to go to ask more. Jodi, do you have a good friend / relative who has been through this and come out as a whole, healthy adult? Could your niece talk to her? [/QUOTE] Wow, you are the kind of parent I would love to be like. That sounds like a great way to handle an impossible problem. SSG Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/73 "2007-08-16T02:32:37Z")
Well, solutions like that make up for all the screaming and tantrums (mine). I was about to say we all do our best, then I realised what thread we’re in. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Pullet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Pullet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pullet)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/74 "2007-08-16T03:02:48Z")
[QUOTE=eleanorigby] If I were this man, I would make this waste of space tell her daughter on the phone that she can’t come(and let waste of space do her own damage) [/QUOTE] I second this idea. ---
**Author:** ![Pullet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Pullet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pullet)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/75 "2007-08-16T04:17:07Z")
[QUOTE=maggenpye] But… his dad walked out on him and his family. So my dad talked to my daughter. One abandoned child to another. Neither of them has talked to me about what they shared, it’s their business. She now has a role model she respects (and that I trust). She has had her questions answered for the moment and knows where to go to ask more. Jodi, do you have a good friend / relative who has been through this and come out as a whole, healthy adult? Could your niece talk to her? [/QUOTE] And I second this idea, too. And **brownie55’s** subsequent posts are why I love this message board. ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/76 "2007-08-16T06:53:42Z")
quote from … me > [@](#): > > So my dad talked to my daughter. One abandoned child to another. I spoke to my dad about this today, just because it\* is\* now out on the net. He said he got a lot out of it too. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/77 "2007-08-16T16:54:48Z")
I had one more thought on how to deal with your niece’s perception problems - it sounds like everyone is doing a good job with finding that middle ground of not demonizing but not letting her mom off the hook, either. I think validating your niece’s feeling about her mother is very important; she might be acting like she idolizes her mother, but at eight, I think she sees what her mother is doing and is probably very conflicted about it, even if she doesn’t want to admit it to herself. As the aunt, I think you could plant some very neutral seeds with her that could help her reconcile the mother she loves and the mother who keeps hurting her, and let her know that she can talk to you about it and you won’t make fun or her or disregard her feelings. I’m glad to see your brother has talked with professionals about dealing with this - this looks like a very difficult line to walk for parents. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/78 "2007-08-16T17:26:56Z")
[QUOTE=Jodi] My niece’s mother can do no wrong in her eyes; she’s perfect. She calls weekly and tells her daughter how much she loves and misses her, how much she wishes she could see her, and of course my niece knows nothing about child support unpaid or promises broken. Meanwhile, my brother is the one who makes her do her homework and clean her room, who yells at her when she’s bratty, and who won’t let her stay up all night or live on ice cream. Sure, he also puts a roof over her head, pays for new school clothes and cheerleading camp and ballet lessons – but he doesn’t get any credit for that, as he should not; the child is 8 and rightly sees all of it as things she’s entitled to. So her mother can do no wrong and her father is the meanie, the baddie. WHo do you think she will emulate when she’s 16? Sometimes I hear her talk about her mom and I foresee her emulating her mom’s behavior, and it’s like seeing a train coming down the tracks, knowing there’s fuck-all you can do to stop it. And of course neither my brother nor I nor anyone else in my family ever says a word against the woman to her children – which again is only as it should be but, jeez, what a bitter pill to choke down, to stand there and listen to that adoration knowing the woman does not deserve a grain of it. [/QUOTE] Hon, you know there’s no one’s judgement I admire more but this is where I as Aunt Jodi would quietly pull her aside and with a stern but caring smile tell her of the tremendous love and necessary responsibility her Dad’s showing in _everything_ he does, both fun and not. She’s at an age where she’s deciding who she’ll be someday and, still too young to appreciate everything true parenting entails just yet, I sure don’t see anything wrong with you making her a tad more aware. It certainly can be done without saying anything negative about the [del]absent bitch[/del] Mom, which I think you’re correct and to be commended for. Argh, this is just so painful to hear but damn I’m proud of your brother and all your family. All my hopes and well wishes to you and yours. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/79 "2007-08-16T17:31:28Z")
[QUOTE=brownie55] Thanks for the serious ass kicking you all gave me. I was wrong. Saying I am sorry won’t make it right, but I hope it helps. I have seen too many instances of character assassination in exactly this way, but I should not have believed Jodi was acting in any way that was less than totally honorable. I am sorry. [/QUOTE] And thank you, in turn, for posting those sentiments. That can’t have been easy - kudos to you. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2007, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605/80 "2007-08-16T17:36:56Z")
I had skipped some of the comments earlier simply because the story was so saddening but after catching up, yeah, I can see how there’s some good to be had from coming clean with your niece about everything with her mom, even the negativity, if handled correctly. Please consider my comment above partially amended. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-mind-do-you-want-to-be-a-parent-or-not/415605.md?page=5)