# Make up your own Weekly World News story. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 26, 2000, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-own-weekly-world-news-story/34614 "2000-09-26T16:03:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2000, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-own-weekly-world-news-story/34614/1 "2000-09-26T16:03:26Z")
The _Weekly World News_ is a tabloid known for its outrageous headlines and stories like **Clinton Meets With Space Aliens!** and **Face of Satan seen in Forest-Fire Smoke!** In the paper today, I saw a story that says scientists are going to more closely examine the Iceman, the remains of a man who died in the Austrian Alps 5,300 years ago and was found only recently. Immediately, a WWN-style story leapt to mind: > [@](#): > > **Iceman is Cain!** > > Scientists examining Otzi, the man who died in the Austrian Alps 5,300 years ago, have determined he is actually the Biblical Cain! > > “The Bible said Cain was sentenced to wander the Earth after murdering his brother Abel,” said Professor Hanz Fritz of the Austrian Anthropological Institute. “We have determined that this man died 5,300 years ago. Many scientists believe the Earth to be only 6,000 years old. Adam lived 930 years after leaving the Garden of Eden. This man died while Adam was still alive! Who else could it be?” he asked challengingly. > > Another piece of startling evidence is the strange markings on the Iceman’s forehead. Originally thought to have been a tattoo, it was discovered to be natural skin pigment. However, a linguist familiar with ancient languages said it was actually a warning written in Aramaic, one of Man’s earliest languages; some say it is the FIRST language, the one Man used before the Tower of Babel, when God confused the tongues of Man in punishment for building the Tower. > > The linguist translated the markings as “Let no one kill this man. Anyone who does so shall himself be struck dead!” “Clearly, this is the Mark of Cain as described in _Genesis_!” proclaimed the linguist. “The Mark was supposed to protect Cain from Man’s revenge for committing the first murder!” This would also make a terrific Urban Legend and perhaps an article in one of the more credulous Creationist magazines floating about. But, remember, you read it HERE first! ---
**Author:** ![mk9kahr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@mk9kahr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mk9kahr)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2000, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-own-weekly-world-news-story/34614/2 "2000-09-26T16:33:25Z")
Here is a Headline only (no time for the full story): “Commissioned Employee Not Screwed by Technology Company.” Unbelievable, eh? BTW, Does this show that I am bitter? ---
**Author:** ![pluto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f08c70/32.png) [@pluto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluto)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2000, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-own-weekly-world-news-story/34614/3 "2000-09-26T17:39:43Z")
I’ve posted this before but I’m proud of it. I don’t need to make up my own Weekly World News story since my family has already been featured in the WWN! My mother was widowed with two small children when she married my dad, so I have an older half-brother and half-sister. Their biological dad, my mom’s first husband, was a bit of a hell-raiser (which contributed to his early death, BTW) and ran with a pretty rough crowd. At some point in time, one of his buddies stole his car, which is the basis for the WWN story. Forty years after stealing the car (about five years ago) the guy who stole it got an attack of conscience and mailed a check for $1000 to the Spokane County Sherrif’s office with an explanation that he had stolen so-and-so’s car, naming him by name, and asking if they would please give the money to any descendants, if they could find them. I don’t know how WWN got ahold of the story, but there it was: “Car Thief Repents Forty Years Later!”. FWIW, the story, as reported, was pretty accurate. What they didn’t cover was the dubious reluctance of the Sherrif’s department to part with the dough. The letter specified that if they couldn’t find anyone to give the money to they could give it to their favorite charity, which was apparently the Spokane County Sherrif’s Department slush fund. My brother had to threaten them with public exposure and a lawsuit before they came across. And then my sister had to try to get her half from my brother! ---
**Author:** ![3waygeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/e95f7d/32.png) [@3waygeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3waygeek)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2000, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/make-up-your-own-weekly-world-news-story/34614/4 "2000-09-26T18:17:49Z")
> [@](#): > > Iceman is Cain! > > Scientists examining Otzi, the man who died in the Austrian Alps 5,300 years ago, have determined he is actually the Biblical Cain! So does the [semen](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_229.html) in Otzi’s ass belong to Abel, or Adam?