# Making Fun of Religion Again **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 2, 2001, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545 "2001-04-02T21:37:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/1 "2001-04-02T21:37:52Z")
Look what I received in my e-mail. I think it speaks for itself. > [@](#): > > Subject: _PREPARE TO MEET GOD_ Date: Mon, 2 Apr 2001 03:13:03 From: \<[infoweb@1freeemail.com](mailto:infoweb@1freeemail.com)\> To: \<[angel@blues.jpj.net](mailto:angel@blues.jpj.net)\> > > ``` > ***PREPARE TO MEET GOD*** > > ``` > > I thought this was quite interesting … enjoy! > > Here’s some little known Bible facts our parish librarian and I came across. This is interesting and unique. > > ``` > Subject: **PROOF OF GOD** > > ``` > > 1. The world is too perfect. For example: sun, stars, moon, air, earth, food, life, and water. If you threw a block of metal on the ground, would it form a watch and start ticking? > > 2. Out of body experiences: Good people see the same Heaven and ungodly people fall down the same dark hole. > > 3. Padre Pio had a stigmata that doctors and scientists determined to be supernaturally imposed (not self-inflected). One month before he died his wounds healed and left no scar. Note: Jesus saves (not what church you go to). > > 4. Statues of Mother Mary that doctors and scientists determined cry human tears. Note: Jesus saves (not the statue). > > 5. The world calendar system is based on Jesus’ life (B.C.-Before Christ). Could one man have fooled the whole world? > > 6. The Bible and Jesus said that he would be killed. Jesus did not back out, even when offered the opportunity by Pilate to deny being the Christ and be set free. What glory would it be for a man to be Christ if he’s dead. > > 7. Statues of Jesus and Mother Mary that stay standing in towns that have been destroyed by hurricanes and earthquakes. > > 8. Foot prints of God: The Bible is coded with sentences using Jesus’ name before He was born. No man knew the Christ’s name would be Jesus or how to code this type of information. No other religious book has coded information like this in it. > > 9. Center of the Bible was created by God before the Bible was completed. > > 10. Exorcisms are performed all over the world using the power of Jesus Christ. No other religion besides Christianity can do that. > > What is the shortest chapter in the Bible? Answer - Psalm 117. > > What is the longest chapter in the Bible? Answer - Psalm 119. > > Which chapter is in the center of the Bible? Answer - Psalm 118. > > Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalm 118. > > Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalm 118. > > Add these numbers up and you get 1188. > > What is the center verse in the Bible? Answer - Psalm 118:8. > > 1. NOTE: THIS BOOK OF PSALMS WAS WRITTEN BEFORE ALL THE BOOKS THAT CAME AFTER IT. THAT MEANS THAT GOD KNEW THIS WOULD BE THE CENTER BEFORE THE BIBLE WAS COMPLETED. > > 2. IF YOU HAVE THREE BOOKS, LONGEST (119), SHORTEST (117), WHAT DO YOU HAVE LEFT? MIDDLE OR CENTER (118). THIS ALSO POINTS OUT THAT GOD INTENDED THIS TO BE THE CENTER. > > 3. ALSO IF ANY BOOK, CHAPTER, OR VERSE WERE REMOVED FROM THE BIBLE THEN 118 AND 118:8 WOULD NOT BE THE CENTER. THAT MEANS THE WHOLE BIBLE IS _TRULY GODS WORD_. > > Does this verse say something significant about God’s perfect will for our lives? We could summarize the whole Bible in this one sentence. The next time someone says they would like to find God’s perfect will for their lives and that they want to be in the center of His will, just send them to the center of His Word: > > “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.” Psalm 118:8. > > ``` > Subject: **WHY DID JESUS DIE?** > > ``` > > God told Adam that if he ate from the Tree of Conscience (known as the apple tree), death and sin would be introduced. When Adam ate from the tree God allowed his promise to be fulfilled. God did not want us to have this curse, but if He did not keep the promise He would be a liar. God does not lie. God (just like a great lawyer) found a loop-hole in the system. God took the sinless Christ and poured into him our sins. Then in exchange poured His goodness into us. All who believe in Jesus have death and sin removed and are promised eternal life in Heaven. > > ``` > Subject: **THE ART OF PRAYING** > > ``` > > Try to use some of these tools when praying. > > 1. Forgive–God forgave us. Why should he grant our prayer if we hold anger and hate in our hearts? Let go of this and know that if someone did you wrong, they will be judged, but don’t wish that on them. Instead ask God to forgive them and let them into heaven with you. > > 2. Forgive yourself–ask Jesus to forgive you of your sin. You should be sorry and have the intention of trying not to make that same sin again. Then let it go, Jesus has forgiven you. Don’t live in guilt thinking about sin that has already been forgiven. > > 3. Heard–know that all prayers are heard. > > 4. Help–all prayers help. We may not understand why some prayers seem to be unanswered but know that they all help and we will understand everything later. > > 5. Comfortable–if you’re in pain while praying (like long term kneeling) offer up the pain to God and he will love you for that. But, praying doesn’t always need to be a painful experience. Try praying lying down sometimes and maybe Jesus will give you a big hug. Sometimes the pain takes your mind off the prayer. Talking to God is beautiful and we should look forward to it. When you’re in love do you want to be in pain when you hug each other? > > 6. Love–know that God loves you more than you could ever imagine. Try to offer love back to him when you’re praying. > > 7. God’s will–don’t pray for things that are obviously outside of Gods will. > > 8. Fasting–sometimes may be needed to add to prayer power. > > NEXT TIME SOMEONE RUBS YOU THE WRONG WAY HIT THEM WITH THIS. > > BY THE POWER OF THE _BLOOD_ SHED ON THE CROSS AND BY THE AUTHORITY OF _JESUS’_ NAME AND BY THE AUTHORITY OF _GOD’S WORD_. > > I INVITE YOU (JESUS) TO PROTECT, LEAD, AND COMFORT. > > THAT PERSON (or YOURSELF )\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. > THIS SHORT PRAYER HAS A LOT OF POWER. TRY THIS NEXT TIME YOU FEEL SOMEONE NEEDS A PRAYER. IT’LL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE KNOWING THAT. SATAN LOST TWO PEOPLE, INSTEAD OF GAINING TWO. > > 1 THE _BLOOD_ HAS THE POWER TO WASH AWAY ALL THE SINS OF THE WORLD. 2 _JESUS_ HAS AUTHORITY OVER ALL THINGS IN THE WORLD AND HEAVEN. 3 _GOD’S WORD_ SAYS “ASK IN MY NAME AND YOU WILL RECEIVE”. > > 1 PROTECT FROM EVIL. 2 LEAD TO HEAVEN. 3 COMFORT WHEN THERE’S SORROW. > > ``` > Subject: **BATTLE** Ephesians 6:10 > > ``` > > We are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against persons without bodies. So, put on all of God’s armor to resist the enemy whenever he attacks. > > 1. _Faith_ is your shield. 2) _Salvation_ is your helmet. 3) _God’s Word_ is your sword. > > Faith–Believing in God. Salvation–Knowing that you’re saved. Gods Word–The Bible is God’s Word. > > This _Prepare to Meet God_ letter and the Bible give you all three of these. > > ``` > Subject: **AN ADDITIONAL PRAYER FOR COMFORT** > > ``` > > THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED! HE LETS ME REST IN GREEN MEADOWS, HE LEADS ME BESIDE PEACEFUL STREAMS. HE RENEWS MY STRENGTH. HE GUIDES ME ALONG RIGHT PATHS, BRINGING HONOR TO HIS NAME. EVEN WHEN I WALK THROUGH THE DARK VALLEY OF DEATH, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID, FOR YOU ARE CLOSE BESIDE ME. YOUR ROD AND STAFF PROTECT AND COMFORT ME. YOU WELCOME ME AS A GUEST, MY CUP OVERFLOWS WITH BLESSINGS. SURELY YOUR GOODNESS AND UNFAILING LOVE WILL PURSUE ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE, AND I WILL LIVE IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER! > “HEAVEN IS AT HAND” PLEASE PASS THIS ON. YOUR FRIEND, JAMES > > If you would like to know the TRUTH, please click the link below. When your e-mail program opens, click the send button. You will be sent an one time addtional infomation e-mail. Your e-mail address will not be shared with any outside organization. [mailto:godinfous@yahoo.com](mailto:godinfous@yahoo.com)? SUBJECT=PleaseSendMoreInfomation > > This message will only be sent once. We send our e-mail in compliance with all known existing and proposed legislation. CLICK HERE mail [to:remmarketinglist2av@yahoo.com](mailto:to:remmarketinglist2av@yahoo.com)?SUBJECT=Delete to be removed from our mailing list. ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/2 "2001-04-02T21:55:58Z")
So, didja click the link? C’mon, Johnny: click the link! {chanting} Click the link! Click the link! Click the link! ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/3 "2001-04-02T22:05:31Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. NOTE: THIS BOOK OF PSALMS **WAS WRITTEN BEFORE ALL THE BOOKS THAT CAME AFTER IT**. THAT MEANS THAT GOD KNEW THIS WOULD BE THE CENTER BEFORE THE BIBLE WAS COMPLETED. Okay, it might be nitpicky, but… Do I really have to comment? ---
**Author:** ![2nd\_Law](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/2/f475e1/32.png) [@2nd\_Law](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2nd_Law)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/4 "2001-04-02T22:12:02Z")
Fuck, Johnny, I don’t read that crap when I get it in _my_ e-mail, why the hell would I want to read the glurge/xian-spam _you_ get? ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/5 "2001-04-02T22:59:01Z")
What **2nd Law** said. Bleeeeech. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/6 "2001-04-02T23:06:27Z")
When judgement day gets here, I hope this person gets an unpleasant surprise. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/7 "2001-04-02T23:32:32Z")
See, Johnny, to make fun of it you have to ACTUALLY make fun of it, not just share it with us. Sure you didn’t mean to post this in GD as “witnessing”? ---
**Author:** ![ThisYearsGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@ThisYearsGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisYearsGirl)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2001, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/8 "2001-04-02T23:43:40Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. The world calendar system is based on Jesus’ life (B.C.-Before Christ). Could one man have fooled the whole world? What the hell does is this part trying to suggest? I’ve read it ten times, and I have no idea what its intentions are. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/9 "2001-04-03T00:02:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ThisYearsGirl \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > 1. The world calendar system is based on Jesus’ life (B.C.-Before Christ). Could one man have fooled the whole world? > > What the hell does is this part trying to suggest? I’ve read it ten times, and I have no idea what its intentions are. \*\* I…think the dude who wrote this glurge is saying that if the world keeps time relative to Jesus’ life, he must have been more than just one man. Of course, this guy’s world must only include Christian countries, since he conveniently forgets about Asian calendars and the Jewish calendar, plus however many more there are out there that don’t hold to Jesus’s birthday. The Georgian calendar is simply a convention that the rest of the world (as in non-European states) has adopted to make it more convenient to deal with other countries, just as many people outside of America or England learn English; it’s the current _lingua franca_. This entire pile of smelly horse poopie (yeah, I’ll swear if I wanna! It’s the Pit, goshdurnit!) may be likened to Jack Chick tracts (and boy, if _that_ ain’t an insult, what is?) in that it’s only preaching to the choir; if you believe any of this, especially the Fun With Numerology section, you’re just as deep into it as this guy is. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/10 "2001-04-03T00:08:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Johnny Angel \* > \*\*Look what I received in my e-mail. I think it speaks for itself. > > > [@](#): > > > > Subject: **PROOF OF GOD** > > > > 1. The world is too perfect. For example: sun, stars, moon, air, earth, food, life, and water. If you threw a block of metal on the ground, would it form a watch and start ticking? > > \*\* And, of course, we’d be here to notice the difference if it wasn’t perfect. Wait…no we wouldn’t. It’s called the Anthropic Principle, folks, read up on it… ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/11 "2001-04-03T00:09:42Z")
No no no – since the whole world keeps time according to the “B.C./A.D” system (which will come as a surprise to some Islamic countries, among others); and since “B.C.” refers to Christ (“Before Christ”); therefore using a time system that _mentions_ Christ must mean that the whole world believes in the divinity of Jesus and follows His teachings – and since the whole world believes in Him and no one man could fool the whole world, He must be It! Personally, I _do_ think He’s “It,” spiritually speaking, but I hate stuff like this that makes Christians look stupid. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/12 "2001-04-03T00:15:18Z")
I like the bit about exorcisms. Surely, no one can deny that no other religion can match Christianity when it comes to expelling imaginary Christian spirits. Also, I like that version of the Lords Prayer with all the big words removed. I plan to clip and save that one, on the off hand chance I suffer massive brain damage in the future and can’t hadle the version that isn’t in all caps. ---
**Author:** ![JeffB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeffb/32/188_2.png) [@JeffB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JeffB)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/13 "2001-04-03T02:10:48Z")
Just for shits and giggles, I thought I’d take a look at the “center of the Bible” deal. In my New International Version, there are 1,635 pages, making page 818 the center. The passage from the middle of that page is: > [@](#): > > But since you rejected me when I called and no one game heed when I stretched out my hand, since you ignored all my advice and would not accept my rebuke, I in turn will laugh at your disaster; I will mock when calamity overtakes you – when calamity overtakes you like a storm, when disaster sweeps over you like a whirlwind, when distress and troubles overwhelm you. (Proverbs 1: 24-27) Sounds like a philosophy I can live with. Of course, this only holds up if you use the standard Protestant ordering and inclusion of books of the Bible. The New American Bible that the Catholic Church uses has seven additional books (Tobit, Judith, 1 Maccabees, 2 Maccabees, Wisdom, Sirach, and Baruch). I’m not about to try to figure out the center based on number of verses, but using my method above, there are 1,447 pages, with page 724 being the middle. This version has two colums per page, and the verse that goes from the bottom of the first column to the top of the second is: > [@](#): > > But the discordant cry of their enemies responded, and the piteous wail of mourning for children was borne to them. (Wisdom 18:10) Very uplifting. One final one. One of my King James Versions has 1,219 pages, making page 610 the middle page, giving us: > [@](#): > > Hear this, all ye people; give ear, all ye inhabitants of the world: Both low and high, rich and poor, together. My mouth shall speak of wisdom; and the meditation of my heart shall be of understanding. (Psalm 49: 1-3) This sounds like something that Cecil might say, just going to show that Cecil is God. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/14 "2001-04-03T02:58:02Z")
**2nd Law** wrote: > [@](#): > > Fuck, Johnny, I don’t read that crap when I get it in my e-mail, why the hell would I want to read the glurge/xian-spam you get? Um, because of my _auctoritas_? As a person who collects a lot of tracts and crazy propaganda, I’d just like to say that this is a particularly interesting specimin. I always get a tingle when people use wacky numerology to prove a point, one which is of dubious meaning anyway. Yes, Jesus fooled the whole world into arranging the calendar according to his birthday, and fooled them into getting the exact date wrong. Such a genius is our lord. They will know we are Christians by our ALL CAPS. Scientists have declared it to be supernatural. ---
**Author:** ![andygirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@andygirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andygirl)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/15 "2001-04-03T03:51:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Johnny Angel \* > \*\*Try praying lying down sometimes and maybe Jesus will give you a big hug. \*\* [/QUOTE] That’s a mental image I just didn’t need. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/16 "2001-04-03T04:26:13Z")
[little girl] I don’t like it when Jesus touches me. [/little girl] I am _so_ damned. ---
**Author:** ![sulawesi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbe5ce/32.png) [@sulawesi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sulawesi)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/17 "2001-04-03T04:27:42Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. Statues of Mother Mary that doctors and scientists determined cry human tears. Would someone explain this to me? ---
**Author:** ![Homer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/df788c/32.png) [@Homer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homer)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/18 "2001-04-03T04:33:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Johnny Angel \* > \*\* > 3) ALSO IF ANY BOOK, CHAPTER, OR VERSE WERE REMOVED FROM THE BIBLE THEN 118 AND 118:8 WOULD NOT BE THE CENTER. THAT MEANS THE WHOLE BIBLE IS _TRULY GODS WORD_. > \*\* What about the Apocrypha? Was the Catholic Church guided by the hand of God to remove just the perfect amount of works from the Bible? –Tim ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/19 "2001-04-03T04:51:05Z")
The original comes **close** to getting the date thing right, but not quite–what is really neat about God’s dating system is that the anchients must have known when Jesus would be born! Obviouls,y they were counting down to something, and when they reached 0, Jesus was born. Are you gonna call that a coincidence? Pu–lezzzze. ---
**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2001, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545/20 "2001-04-03T06:27:10Z")
Someone pu-lllleeeazzzze tell me MandaJo was kidding… Sigh… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/making-fun-of-religion-again/60545.md?page=2)