# Mal vs Han **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 25, 2006, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551 "2006-01-25T15:09:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/21 "2006-01-25T18:44:11Z")
> [@bouv](#): > > As bad ass as she is, she can’t parry a light saber. Now, Luke is a pansy ass, I still think she’d win against him, but up agaisnt any of the Jedi in the prequels? She’s one dead psychic. She would put up a good fight, though. But in the end, force powers and a blade that can cut through damn near anything win. Most amateur boxers could beat up River Tam. Yawn, another chick with martial arts capabilities learned from some katate consultant in Burbank. Has my watch stopped? There’s a reason they don’t let you use swords in a karate competition. Swords win. Laser swords, doubly so. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/22 "2006-01-25T18:44:14Z")
Kirk wins, even with his shirt intact. ---
**Author:** ![Improv\_Geek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b3f665/32.png) [@Improv\_Geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Improv_Geek)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/23 "2006-01-25T18:44:29Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > Who wins: > > The Operative vs. Boba Fett Jubal Early (anyone who has the Firefly DVDs knows who I mean) but I have to ask, “Does that seem fair?” ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/24 "2006-01-25T18:46:26Z")
Mal vs Han, Mal wins no contest. While Mal and “Shoots first” Han are about equal on the quickdraw, Mal can get shot, stabbed, tortured, and keep on fighting. Han is a glass-jawed wuss. No, Mal vs Indy is an entirely different contest…Indy just might win that one. ---
**Author:** ![Glassy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ea666f/32.png) [@Glassy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Glassy)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/25 "2006-01-25T19:08:10Z")
Circa 1983 Han Solo is much, much sexier than Mal. ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/26 "2006-01-25T19:41:23Z")
> [@GargoyleWB](#): > > While Mal and “Shoots first” Han are about equal on the quickdraw, Mal can get shot, stabbed, tortured, and keep on fighting. Not to mention crawl through an oxygen-depleted ship to install an engine part AFTER being shot. ---
**Author:** ![Tarrsk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@Tarrsk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tarrsk)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/27 "2006-01-25T19:51:33Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > Who wins: > > The Operative vs. Boba Fett Yeah, I’m with **ronincyberpunk** on this one. Jubal Early is analogous to Boba Fett. The Operative has no counterpart in Star Wars (that is, the idealist who does evil in service to what he perceives as a greater good). Villains in Star Wars are bad because they’re _baaaaaaaaaad_. And incidentally, Early would kick Fett’s ass. And pontificate arrogantly while doing so. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/28 "2006-01-25T19:56:33Z")
Which Star Wars character should Mal kick into Serenity’s engine first? ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/29 "2006-01-25T20:04:10Z")
> [@Sam Stone](#): > > Which Star Wars character should Mal kick into Serenity’s engine first? Sy Snoodles. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/30 "2006-01-25T20:06:15Z")
> [@Sam Stone](#): > > Which Star Wars character should Mal kick into Serenity’s engine first? If there is any justice in the 'Verse, it would be Jar-Jar Binks, followed by Young Anakin. Then he’d turn the Ewoks into rations. ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/31 "2006-01-25T20:06:59Z")
Jar Jar! ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/32 "2006-01-25T20:20:53Z")
> [@Sam Stone](#): > > Which Star Wars character should Mal kick into Serenity’s engine first? He might well do in Jar Jar, because he’s just too annoying to live. But _first_ to go would be Palpatine. None of this pansy-wansy “Gee, I think maybe Palpatine might be an evil Sith lord but gosh I’m not sure” business … ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/33 "2006-01-25T20:37:11Z")
> [@parthenokinesis](#): > > who would win Ewoks vs. Reavers? I do. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/34 "2006-01-25T21:56:06Z")
> [@](#): > > The Operative vs. Boba Fett This is an easy one. Even in Boba Fett vs. Boba Fett, Boba _still_ loses. I mean, the dude’s most notable accomplishment is jetpacking himself into a very slow and painful digestive system. As for River, yes, swords win. Perhaps you didn’t notice that she makes it a point to procure one at the first opportunity? If she manages to get her hands on a 'sabre, I think her unpredictability (read: craziness) would give her an edge on most Jedi. Whether she gets a 'sabre in the first place, though, is uncertain. Kaylee vs. droids, no contest. Kaylee pwns anything mechanical. Kaylee vs. Leia, on the other hand, I’m thinking of a very different sort of comparison than a fight… I think I’m going to follow **Athena** and **Motorgirl** ’s lead and order a sammich. How about Vader vs. the Blue-Hands? On this one, I think I have to definitely go with Vader. Star Wars does seem to do pretty well, villain-wise. ---
**Author:** ![bubastis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d07c76/32.png) [@bubastis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bubastis)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/35 "2006-01-25T22:57:13Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > I would love to see the Reavers fight the Ewoks. They would torture and mutilate those little furry bastards. Ewoks raped to death? Move over Titanic!! ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/36 "2006-01-25T23:28:50Z")
> [@Menocchio](#): > > No reason River couldn’t get a lightsaber herself. God knows the Jedi were always dropping those things. And her psychic abilities would help her master it pretty quick. Remember, she doesn’t just master all types of weapons well, she IS one. Jayne would light up anybody in a fair fight. Or if he thought someone was about to start a fair fight. Or if a woman were involved. Or if there was money involved. Mostly for the money, tho. Bobo the Fetid One doesn’t stand a chance against this mercenary. Unless he kicks him in the nads. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/37 "2006-01-25T23:42:12Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Kaylee vs. droids, no contest. Kaylee pwns anything mechanical. At the risk of betraying my love of Kaylee, I think she’s pretty much worthless in a throwdown. She was useless is _War Stories_- River saved her ass, and she gave up in _Out of Gas_. Methinks Kaylee doesn’t handle pressure very well. ---
**Author:** ![Banquet\_Bear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/banquet_bear/32/373_2.png) [@Banquet\_Bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Banquet_Bear)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/38 "2006-01-25T23:44:31Z")
…how about Nathan **“Johnny”** Fillion vs Ryan **“Hannibal King”** Renolds? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/39 "2006-01-25T23:46:14Z")
Nope. Kaylee would collapse, leaving it to Inara to comfort her, rub her wrists, mop her brow… I’ll be in mah bunk. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2006, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/40 "2006-01-25T23:46:59Z")
> [@Troy McClure SF](#): > > At the risk of betraying my love of Kaylee, I think she’s pretty much worthless in a throwdown. She was useless is _War Stories_- River saved her ass, and she gave up in _Out of Gas_. Methinks Kaylee doesn’t handle pressure very well. You just have to promise her something male and fleshy and attatched to a Doctor betwixt her nethers. She’ll fight. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551.md?page=3)