# Mal vs Han **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 25, 2006, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551 "2006-01-25T15:09:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/41 "2006-01-26T00:37:54Z")
From where I’m standing, [Mal](http://pro.imdb.com/name/nm0277213/photogallery-ss-0-8) wins out over [Han](http://maddstarwars.free.fr/images/photos/trilo1/solo/hut.jpg), hands down. I’m standing, ahem, in back. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/42 "2006-01-26T01:20:41Z")
**Catfight** - Mal’s image requires registration to IMdB Pro. Is it a particularly revealing shot from _Trash_ by any chance? StG ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/43 "2006-01-26T02:54:25Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > If there is any justice in the 'Verse, it would be Jar-Jar Binks, followed by Young Anakin. Then he’d turn the Ewoks into rations. Adelai Niska: Are you familiar with the works of Shan Yu? Jar-Jar: :dies horribly: ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/44 "2006-01-26T03:14:48Z")
> [@StGermain](#): > > **Catfight** - Mal’s image requires registration to IMdB Pro. Is it a particularly revealing shot from _Trash_ by any chance? > > StG Oops, sorry about that. [Here’s](http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0379786/Ss/0379786/28.jpg?path=gallery&path_key=0379786) the pic I linked to. It’s not naked Mal, it’s a similar POV as the Han one, only it shows off his superior assets. ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/45 "2006-01-26T03:26:19Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > Dude, she has sex in exchange for money. She’s a straight-up ho. She just happens to come from a society that shows its hos proper appreciation. Technically, so does my wife… I just pay thousands per blow-job… Calling my wife a ho? You wanna go? Next thread Ford vs Miller 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/46 "2006-01-26T12:44:32Z")
> [@Cat Fight](#): > > Oops, sorry about that. [Here’s](http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0379786/Ss/0379786/28.jpg?path=gallery&path_key=0379786) the pic I linked to. It’s not naked Mal, it’s a similar POV as the Han one, only it shows off his superior assets. And the appropriate quote: _This is how it is. Anybody doesn’t wanna fly with me any more, this is your port of harbor. There’s a lot of fine ways to die. I ain’t waiting for the Alliance to choose mine._ ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/47 "2006-01-26T14:32:35Z")
> [@Glassy](#): > > Circa 1983 Han Solo is much, much sexier than Mal. I gotta agree with this one, but not from a personal point of view. After only 4-1/2 hours of screen time, Han is bangin’ the Princess. After almost 30 hours of screen time, Mal still can’t get into a hooker’s pants. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/48 "2006-01-26T14:42:19Z")
Inara is pretty, sure. But I would rather bend Kaylie over an intake manifold or strap River down to a gurney and do them in the butt. Zoe would do _me_ in the butt. And we would like it! While I think Mal is indeed more cool than Han, one thing about Han needs to be said: Without Han, there would be no Mal. ---
**Author:** ![AndyPolley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@AndyPolley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AndyPolley)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/49 "2006-01-26T15:36:26Z")
> [@Tarrsk](#): > > The Operative has no counterpart in Star Wars I might have to say that Annakin would be the closest thing to The Operative. It feels like a betrayal to the beliefs I’ve based so much on…but I think Mal gets the edge over Solo. Mal _is_ what Solo _should_ be. Or should I say Mal _was_… Solo did manage to get the girl who loved him to admit it though. “I love you…” “I know.” _Classic._ ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/50 "2006-01-26T15:44:57Z")
> [@Sean Factotum](#): > > After almost 30 hours of screen time, Mal still can’t get into a hooker’s pants. 30 hours? Have you got episodes you’ve been hiding from us?? And Mal _did_ get into a hooker’s pants. Just not the hooker that uses his shuttle. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/51 "2006-01-26T15:52:29Z")
The problem with the OP’s premise is that because both Han and Mal are honorable men in the same basic line of work (smuggling) they are much more likely to wind up as brothers-in-arms in the bar toasting each other with hard drinks than attempting to kill each other. Sure, they’ll try to beat each other out in terms of landing high-paying cargo, or even in a fist fight if it comes to that, but I don’t think either of these guys would use lethal force on the other. That, and River would clean everyone’s clock, except for maybe Yoda and Obi-Wan. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/52 "2006-01-26T16:35:16Z")
> [@zamboniracer](#): > > That, and River would clean everyone’s clock, except for maybe Yoda and Obi-Wan. I think River vs a Jedi is a pretty good matchup. Finally, someone fighting a Jedi can also see what’s coming, also has superior reflexes & instinct, and can even fight blind (and River does it for fun). ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/53 "2006-01-26T16:37:02Z")
> [@zamboniracer](#): > > The problem with the OP’s premise is that because both Han and Mal are honorable men in the same basic line of work (smuggling) they are much more likely to wind up as brothers-in-arms in the bar toasting each other with hard drinks than attempting to kill each other. Sure, they’ll try to beat each other out in terms of landing high-paying cargo, or even in a fist fight if it comes to that, but I don’t think either of these guys would use lethal force on the other. Men like that don’t bond. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/54 "2006-01-26T17:05:41Z")
> [@Troy McClure SF](#): > > _[Regarding Kaylee vs the Droids]_ > At the risk of betraying my love of Kaylee, I think she’s pretty much worthless in a throwdown. Wait, you mean more worthless than C3PO? ---
**Author:** ![Blackclaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e68b1a/32.png) [@Blackclaw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackclaw)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/55 "2006-01-26T17:47:18Z")
> [@Quercus](#): > > Wait, you mean more worthless than C3PO? Hey, CP3O fought in the first battle of the Clone Wars! Oh, wait, he was on the wrong side. Nevermind. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/56 "2006-01-26T17:52:54Z")
> [@NoClueBoy](#): > > Inara is pretty, sure. But I would rather bend Kaylie over an intake manifold or strap River down to a gurney and do them in the butt. Zoe would do _me_ in the butt. And we would like it! OK…now I’ll **really** be in mah bunk!! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/57 "2006-01-26T17:53:03Z")
> [@Quercus](#): > > Wait, you mean more worthless than C3PO? No, but R2 would kick her (and 3PO’s) ass. Even old school R2 from IV-VI. Kaylee’s just not good under pressure. ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/58 "2006-01-26T18:28:01Z")
> [@Troy McClure SF](#): > > No, but R2 would kick her (and 3PO’s) ass. Even old school R2 from IV-VI. Kaylee’s just not good under pressure. I think Kaylee would find 3PO funny, and R2 cute. R2 would milk it for all it’s worth. Instead of fighting, she’d take them off for a nice oil bath and some upgrades. ---
**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/59 "2006-01-26T18:36:45Z")
No one can beat Yoda, so please stop even talking about it being a possibility, n00bs. Also, mmmmmmm Zoe. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/60 "2006-01-26T18:54:13Z")
Mal’s gun is lame, and it needs to be serviced: you can hear the internal bits rattle every time he takes the safety off and it’s a double action only. And it looks stupid. Mal goes into a bar and gets into a fight and suddenly everybody’s involved in kicking his ass, and he manages to get himself & crew at gunpoint at the edge of a cliff by a bunch of inbred yokels. No way. I don’t know anything about special editions, and the Han Solo I know will blast a guy in the belly — while the guy has a gun trained on him. He does it in a bar and nobody kicks his ass. Don’t forget that he shot first at Darth Vader, too. It just didn’t do any good. Han lives in a much more dangerous universe. Adelia Niska has got nothing on Jabba, and he’s a coward to boot. Mal’s universe involves a cultural landscape that is largely homogenous compared to Han’s universe. Han’s universe is fully developed; there may be planets that are backwaters, but there are species of intelligent aliens that have been long standing on their repsective worlds; he’s not skipping around a bunch of largely unsettled moons, taking advantage of the disorganization to get ahead. Sure, Mal gets into a swordfight over a girl, but he’s given the chance to escape and refuses. That’s not dangerous, that’s kind of dumb. Han lives in a world where looking at somebody funny gets your arm torn off. Mal does not. And what would happen to Han if he got caught by the Empire? Would he just be arrested and have his ship confiscated? Was the Empire traipsing around the universe in inefficient cruisers? Mal is too emotional to be cool. He’s not a smuggler so much as a guy who smuggles because it’s some sort of crusade. Han is just a smuggler. Han _is_ cool. And he doesn’t fly a defenseless, slow junker. Han wouldn’t worry about being caught in a magnetic net by reavers because he’d blast their hulls full of holes and mosey along — or just out run them. Plus, he had that cool chess set. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551.md?page=4)