# Mal vs Han **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 25, 2006, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551 "2006-01-25T15:09:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/61 "2006-01-26T19:11:54Z")
> [@Turek](#): > > 30 hours? Have you got episodes you’ve been hiding from us?? Maybe. Or you could go with the more likely excuse that I misremembered the number of Firefly epsiodes. Which ever makes you feel better. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/62 "2006-01-26T19:17:36Z")
> [@](#): > > Was the Empire traipsing around the universe in inefficient cruisers? I’ll grant you that: A Star Destroyer wouldn’t leave enough wreckage of one of those flying skyscrapers to be worth the salvage. But Niska vs. Jabba? I’d be a lot more afraid of a psychopathic Russian with nasty knives than I would be of an overgrown desert slug. Meanwhile, both Jayne and Mal alike would consider it a great failure on their part if they ever somehow ended up getting in a fair fight. And Han, too, for that matter. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/63 "2006-01-26T19:26:17Z")
> [@parthenokinesis](#): > > Now who would win Ewoks vs. Reavers?. No matter how one sided that battle is, I would pay to watch it 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/64 "2006-01-26T19:33:38Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > But Niska vs. Jabba? I’d be a lot more afraid of a psychopathic Russian with nasty knives than I would be of an overgrown desert slug. Yeah, Niska is pretty scary, but what about his so-called reputation? I don’t think he really backs it up. He’s a nasty sadist to whomever comes into his web; however, like a spider, anything outside his web is free and clear. If he’s so terribly bent on torturing failures, why did he leave Mal alone until Mal (stupidly) came to Niska’s planet? Jabba will reach out and snatch you with bounty hunters or whomever. As soon as Mal left Niska’s system, he was safe; Han was _never_ really safe from Jabba. He may be a big garden slug — you’re right about that — but you’ll never sleep peacefully until you’ve squared yourself with him. ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/65 "2006-01-26T20:09:40Z")
Don’t confues differences in scale 'twixt the two 'verses as differences in capabilities. Saying Star Wars has it over Serenity is like saying the U.S.A. has it all over England just 'cause we’re bigger. Taint so. “Mal” owes a lot to Han Solo, a fact I think Joss Whedon would acknowledge. It’s just that Joss told a down-to-Earth story about a jaded Rebel who hasn’t quite given up the fight, whereas George told (or tried to, anyway) a larger-than-life epic which featured a jaded scoundrel as one of the main charaters. If Han is a “wussy,” it’s cause George made him so in his movie-maker to marketing-mogul transition between TESB and RotJ. The Han we first saw in '77 is just as much a bad-ass as Mal. I think Joss breathed more “heart” into his characters as a writer and director than George ever could, which is why I like Mal & Co. so much more than the whole Star Wars Epic. And **Demo:** > [@Demo](#): > > No one can beat Yoda, so please stop even talking about it being a possibility, n00bs. Did you even _watch RotS_? Yoda got his little green hiney smacked and did the bugout boogie. If Palpy had been paying attention and concentrating on the fight instead of cackling like a loon, Yoda would’ve been a small splotch of green like a bug on a windshield. Boob. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/66 "2006-01-26T20:19:23Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > Instead of fighting, she’d take them off for a nice oil bath and some upgrades. Kaylee giving someone an oil bath… Now **I’ll** be in **my** bunk. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/67 "2006-01-26T20:22:38Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > Now **I’ll** be in **my** bunk. I want a switchblade just so that I can eat apples like Jayne does. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/68 "2006-01-26T20:43:04Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > Kaylee giving someone an oil bath… Now **I’ll** be in **my** bunk. > [@js\_africanus](#): > > I want a switchblade just so that I can eat apples like Jayne does. Oily men and knives? Now I’ll be in **my** bunk! 😕 wait a minute… When did I become **Homebrew** , goddammit!? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/69 "2006-01-26T21:04:00Z")
> [@Turek](#): > > 30 hours? Have you got episodes you’ve been hiding from us?? > > And Mal _did_ get into a hooker’s pants. Just not the hooker that uses his shuttle. 🙂 Dude, he never even got into his _wife_’s pants. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/70 "2006-01-26T21:14:14Z")
> [@](#): > > At the risk of betraying my love of Kaylee, I think she’s pretty much worthless in a throwdown. Maybe, but how about she and Inara cheerlead in gold-mail slave bikinis? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/71 "2006-01-26T21:20:10Z")
> [@kidchameleon](#): > > Dude, he never even got into his _wife_’s pants. _Mal: Um…Saffron…i-it…it ain’t a question of pleasing me. It’s more a question of what’s…um, of what’s morally right. Saffron: I do know my Bible, sir. “On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow. And he shall work in her in and again 'til she bring him to his full and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast.” Mal: Oh. Good Bible._ Do you blame him? After Book’s threats? _Book: If you take sexual advantage of her you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater. Mal: What…? I am not… preacher, you got a smutty mind! Book: Perhaps I spoke out of turn. I apologize. I’ll make her up a room on the passenger dorm. Mal: Good (departing) Book: A special Hell._ 😃 **wolfman** , I find your ideas fascinating and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2006, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551/72 "2006-01-26T22:24:08Z")
> [@Sean Factotum](#): > > Maybe. Or you could go with the more likely excuse that I misremembered the number of Firefly epsiodes. > > Which ever makes you feel better. Actually, I was just hoping you had some secret, bootleg, never-before-seen episodes stashed somewhere you could share with us. A guy can dream! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mal-vs-han/341551.md?page=3)