# Male Powers you wish you had **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 30, 2002, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571 "2002-05-30T17:20:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![miamouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@miamouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miamouse)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/1 "2002-05-30T17:20:44Z")
I was on line at the supermarket last night and this woman would not stop creeping up my ass everytime I moved forward. No matter how much I inched up to get away from her, there she was breathing down my neck. It annoyed me so much that found my self wishing I could fart on command like my SO/brothers/fathers/sons can do. I just thought it would be so cool. I would let a real ripe one loose, she’d back up, we’d all be happy. Well, I would any way, she’d be left without nose hair and a left eyebrow. When I went to go see Stars Wars last week, the three seconds of silence while the lights dim was filled with the **BBBBBbbbbbRrrRrrAaaaaaP** of some odiferous teenager’s bowels. You could just tell he’d been holding it in for the entire length of the trailers for the right moment. The force was strong within him that day. What do you guys have an extra gland down there? Different muscle structure? Years of training? Can I sign up to be a young Padawan? ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/2 "2002-05-30T17:39:09Z")
GIVE IN TO THE DARK SIDE, YOU KNOB! (hint: cabbage, sunflower seeds, beer, beans) ---
**Author:** ![Great\_Dave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/46a35a/32.png) [@Great\_Dave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Great_Dave)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/3 "2002-05-30T17:39:43Z")
Years of training, combined with eating the right foods and lack of shame. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/4 "2002-05-30T18:35:44Z")
The training course concludes with the blue flame ceremony. ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/5 "2002-05-30T19:29:06Z")
Although you dont possess the power to fart on command, you _do_ have the the power to tell someone who gets to close to fuck off. Just wanted to point that out, now carry on. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![miamouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@miamouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miamouse)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/6 "2002-05-30T20:57:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by World Eater \* > \*\*Although you dont possess the power to fart on command, you _do_ have the the power to tell someone who gets to close to fuck off. > > Just wanted to point that out, now carry on. 🙂 \*\* Yeah but I’ve not that brave, plus, that’s just not as fun: She’s subtly pissing me off, and I in turn subtly piss her off. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/7 "2002-05-30T20:59:06Z")
Speaking of pissing, I think being able to do it standing up, with ease would be pretty cool. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/8 "2002-05-30T21:11:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by alice\_in\_wonderland \* > \*\*Speaking of pissing, I think being able to do it standing up, **with ease** would be pretty cool. \*\* Note that she said “with ease,” before someone posts links to that six-month women peeing while standing training site, or the one selling the plastic attachements to accomplish the job… ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/9 "2002-05-30T21:48:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by alice\_in\_wonderland \* > \*\*Speaking of pissing, I think being able to do it standing up, with ease would be pretty cool. \*\* It’s not that cool when I sneeze. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/10 "2002-05-30T23:50:53Z")
Ha. Here I was going to come in and say I wish I had the upper body strength of a man. And to my (pleasant) surprise it’s another bodily function thread! Yeah, being able to pee (into a urinal/toilet) standing up would be helpful from time to time. It would save me the trouble of having to hover. ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2002, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/11 "2002-05-31T00:09:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by scout1222 \* > **Yeah, being able to pee (into a urinal/toilet) standing up would be helpful from time to time…** Into a urinal? A toilet? Who needs 'em! Try being able to pee _anywhere_. Within reason, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Squish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Squish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Squish)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2002, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/12 "2002-05-31T06:13:32Z")
If you’re not brave enough to tell someone that they’re in your personal space, are you brave enough to fart at them? ---
**Author:** ![Tortuga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c4cdca/32.png) [@Tortuga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tortuga)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2002, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/13 "2002-05-31T07:55:42Z")
My future father-in-law would sidle up to his wife in a dept. store, let one rip and then wander off, smiling and humming. My future mother-in-law learned to run away when he sidled up with that sneaky smile, and I gather that he now inflicts this upon random strangers. I love this man, almost as much as I love his son… though in a different way, of course. I wish I could pee standing up when I wanted to, I’m working on it, but I don’t think I’ll ever master the skill with any real degree of confidence. I can flatulate on command, and unless I’m wearing a thong, I have really good control over its sound quality. You know that “happy talk” bit from the “King and I?” Well, given the proper motivation, I can do a similar bit with my butt. (My name doesn’t mean “turtle” fer nuthin’) Er, strike that last bit. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2002, 9:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/14 "2002-05-31T09:36:31Z")
Being able to write your name in the snow is just waaaaaaaay cool. 🙂 It just is. Ask any guy. Especially a foamy, beery bladder gyser into the first snow of the season, and there’s enough not only for the first and last name, but a little extra for an underline and exclamation point. Oh man, that is living large. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2002, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/15 "2002-05-31T10:28:22Z")
Damn, I wish I could fart on cue. I’d tour through Europe. I’d make it to the Moulin Rouge stage. I’d use the name _Le Petomane_! ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2002, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/16 "2002-05-31T15:24:38Z")
**SPOOFE** , I’m shocked and amazed. Of all Dopers, I’d figure you to be one who _could_ fart on command. I’d expect that you’d be practicing this skill by now. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!!! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2002, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/17 "2002-06-01T02:09:22Z")
"No matter how much I inched up to get away from her, there she was breathing down my neck. " Maybe you smell nice? Say, when is farting a male power? Women can do it too. The male power I would like is to be able to control my penis, it seems to have a mind of it’s own. ---
**Author:** ![Ripple](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b2d939/32.png) [@Ripple](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ripple)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2002, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/18 "2002-06-01T02:39:54Z")
[Cecil](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_394.html) has [something](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_079.html) to [say](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a4_059.html) about all this. ---
**Author:** ![dudes\_a\_plenty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dudes\_a\_plenty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dudes_a_plenty)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2002, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/19 "2002-06-01T05:29:23Z")
I wish I could just fix things like most men do. My Dad especially is good at this. I wish I was handy. ---
**Author:** ![Nenya\_Elizabeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ea5d25/32.png) [@Nenya\_Elizabeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nenya_Elizabeth)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2002, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571/20 "2002-06-01T06:34:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dudes a plenty \* > \*\*I wish I could just fix things like most men do. My Dad especially is good at this. I wish I was handy. \*\* You wish you were **handy** , you meant, right? 😃 Sweetie, I want his post count, too! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/male-powers-you-wish-you-had/111571.md?page=2)