# Man asked to give speech in honor of abusive-but-prestigious father. Should he? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 4, 2011, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696 "2011-05-04T14:51:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/1 "2011-05-04T14:51:02Z")
Yes, it’s a hypothetical story thread; there may or may not be a poll, depending on how I feel when I finish the OP. Either way, no one is forcing you to read it, as I have long since retired the monkeys. Today’s story is about **William Legree**. William lives in New York but grew up in Atlanta, where his father **Simon** was a prominent physician, civic leader, and philanthropist. But to William he was never anything but a son of a bitch. He doesn’t remember the first time Simon beat him, but it has to have been before his fifth birthday. Simon was always careful not to leave bruises or welts where anyone could see, and to doctor William’s wounds himself; ad both William and his mother, **Ann** , sufficiently cowed so that neither ever spoke of the abuse both suffered. William wasn’t entirely broken, though; he got the fuck out of Dodge on his seventeenth birthday and never looked back. That was thirteen years ago. In that time, William has seen his Simon only three times. Once was at his college graduation, to which he invited Simon for Ann’s sake; the second was just before he got married himself, as he wanted to try to understand his father’s violent nature before becoming a husband and father himself. Each time Ann said that, irrespective of how Simon had treated her and William, it was their duty to keep the matter private and the family’s reputation intact; Simon never admitted that anything he’d done was wrong in the first place. The last time William saw Simon was at his funeral, six months ago. Recently William has been contacted by the hospital his father worked for. In the last few years of his life, he learns, Simon worked tirelessly to get fund and build a state-of-the-art research center. That center is now open and will be named for him. As William is also a physican in the same field as his father, they would like him to speak at the dedication ceremony and praise his name. Ann would also like William to speak at this event, and likely talk to the press as well. What should William do? ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/2 "2011-05-04T14:55:07Z")
There isn’t a “should” answer for this, just a what i would do. I’d tell them to fuck off. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/3 "2011-05-04T15:09:33Z")
I agree that it’s what Simon wants that counts but given his continued relationship with his mother and what appears to be a desire to support her I would go with commenting only on his professional character and keeping the speech and interviews entirely away from their personal life. He doesn’t have to lie but there is no reason to hurt his mother given that it seems from the OP he doesn’t blame her for not protecting him. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/4 "2011-05-04T15:10:55Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > There isn’t a “should” answer for this, just a what i would do. Exactly. As for me, I would decline. No need to tell them to fuck off, as the hospital has no idea what they’re asking. If I felt they needed further explanation, I’d suggest that former colleagues and associates would be better qualified to speak about his work. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/5 "2011-05-04T15:11:08Z")
I think that Pierre, the bastard son of Simon, the issue of a well known whore, bitter at the denial of his birthright, should gather a gang of roughs with the intention of extracting from his “father” that to which he feels entitled. Meanwhile his half sister Simone, earning a paltry living singing on the streets may, one day, realize that she is the half sister of the genius that invented the reversible condom, now the richest man in the world. However, having discovered a tap dancing frog, only moments before the funeral his widow realizes that their life wasn’t as simple as it seemed. No tap dancing frogs for them. Or have I missed the point of the OP? ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/6 "2011-05-04T15:24:42Z")
Take the high road. “Sorry, but no.” If pressed, say, “My relationship with my father is such that I don’t feel I would be an appropriate speaker at the event.” ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/7 "2011-05-04T17:18:55Z")
I’d politely decline the request, not because I’m taking the high road, fuck the high road, but because odds are no one would believe me and I’d just look bitter and petty. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/8 "2011-05-04T17:26:59Z")
I voted for “rudely decline the request” but it depends on who is making the request. Ann? I would feel so much rage towards her, protecting that shitheel of a husband all of these years, that I would be inclined to rudely decline to her. If it’s the organization, though, I’d politely decline. I’d probably also take the opportunity to tell my parents to go fuck themselves…in more words, of course. People are going to answer from their own experiences. Me, I grew up with that “reputation” shit. “What will the neighbors think?” I don’t fucking care what they think, mom. ETA: If I was asked to speak about my mom it would be a mixed bag. And I’d want to be honest. I will not go somewhere and butter her up. I’d tell both sides of the story. Or not tell them at all. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/9 "2011-05-04T17:30:30Z")
Simon’s dead, right? I’d politely decline. Lying won’t make me happy, and telling the truth won’t make anyone happy. ---
**Author:** ![steronz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steronz/32/11765_2.png) [@steronz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steronz)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/10 "2011-05-04T17:44:06Z")
First vote! For “speak in politic generalities at the dedication, but not to the press.” I wouldn’t want to talk to the press because I wouldn’t want them asking questions about my personal relationship with my Father. For a speech, I could control the subject matter, which would remain strictly professional (dad was a good doctor). Dad is dead, but the research center is very much alive and could probably benefit from a few nice words from the namesake’s son. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/11 "2011-05-04T17:50:32Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > Take the high road. “Sorry, but no.” If pressed, say, “My relationship with my father is such that I don’t feel I would be an appropriate speaker at the event.” Agreed. Silence speaks volumes, and you don’t make yourself look like an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![gallows\_fodder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8c91f0/32.png) [@gallows\_fodder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallows_fodder)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/12 "2011-05-04T17:56:29Z")
Have you ever seen the film **The Celebration**? This scenario is the centerpiece of the story, except the father is still alive (and present at the address). The son chooses honesty over diplomacy, and the rest of the film deals with the fallout. Very good movie. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/13 "2011-05-04T20:21:44Z")
I would accept the engagement, and speak the truth - both about Simon’s very real professional accomplishments and about his violence. If it emboldens some other kid or spouse living with a violent-but-respected dude to come forwards, if it convinces them that non-obviously-trash people can be abusers too, then it’s worth the discomfort it causes Ann. The public good demands candor. ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/14 "2011-05-04T21:49:31Z")
Decline. Its already built, and no real benefit to be had. If the mother pushes it, he could probably honestly say he’d be too worried he’d let something slip. Either that or what the hell are you doing worrying about his/your reputation over his long-term abuse of me, whatever works. Dad is not the only problem here. Otara ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/15 "2011-05-04T22:51:02Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > As William is also a physican in the same field as his father AAAAAAnd the hypothetical train grinds to a screeching halt. This is impossible. Philanthropic cancer-fighting doctors do not beat their children to the point of physical bruising. Call me naive if you like, but I can’t suspend disbelief this far. But taking the hypo as read: if this did actually happen, nobody would believe him if he spoke ill of his father (for the same reason the hypothetical is so unbelievable). He should rudely decline the offer, to make sure no similar future offers will ever be forthcoming. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/16 "2011-05-04T22:59:18Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > AAAAAAnd the hypothetical train grinds to a screeching halt. This is impossible. Philanthropic cancer-fighting doctors do not beat their children to the point of physical bruising. Call me naive if you like, but I can’t suspend disbelief this far. I’ll call you sweet instead. Rich, successful people do awful things too. I’ll grant that it makes the papers less, but that may well be due to the superiority of their lawyers. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/17 "2011-05-04T22:59:46Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > AAAAAAnd the hypothetical train grinds to a screeching halt. This is impossible. Philanthropic cancer-fighting doctors do not beat their children to the point of physical bruising. Call me naive if you like, but I can’t suspend disbelief this far. Really? I thought the ‘‘educated, upstanding citizens don’t abuse their children’’ myth had been thoroughly debunked by now. Of course philanthropic cancer-fighting doctors can be abusive. My answer to Skald is that there’s no one correct way to respond. I’m not even sure how I would handle it personally. Usually when people start talking to me about my Mom without having any clue about my childhood, I just smile and keep my mouth shut. So I would probably politely decline. ETA: Unless it had to do with my adopted father. If they asked about him, I would say ‘‘fuck no’’ and tell them exactly why. Because screw him. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/18 "2011-05-04T23:16:39Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I’ll call you sweet instead. > > Rich, successful people do awful things too. I’ll grant that it makes the papers less, but that may well be due to the superiority of their lawyers. I’m well aware that they do (it’s a bit of a loaded topic for me tbh). I’m not saying that people with good outward appearances never abuse their children–emotionally or sexually, or even involving hitting. But physical bruising and marks? From a doctor? I really just can’t buy that. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/19 "2011-05-04T23:20:14Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > AAAAAAnd the hypothetical train grinds to a screeching halt. This is impossible. Philanthropic cancer-fighting doctors do not beat their children to the point of physical bruising. Call me naive if you like, but I can’t suspend disbelief this far. You’re naive. _Massively_ naive. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696/20 "2011-05-04T23:24:59Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > You’re naive. _Massively_ naive. Again, it’s not that I think philanthropists are incapable of sexual, emotional, or physical abuse of children. See my post above yours. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-asked-to-give-speech-in-honor-of-abusive-but-prestigious-father-should-he/580696.md?page=2)