# man misses first two years of his son's life to finish a sailing trip - was he a jerk? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 18, 2010, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719 "2010-06-18T22:12:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/61 "2010-06-19T18:36:51Z")
Yeah, I read her blog updates on his website too, and I got the distinct impression that she really didn’t enjoy the sea voyage all that much. She spent a lot of her time belowdecks because she hated the feeling of sea salt stuck to her skin, and she was really seasick a lot of the time. She got off the boat because the seasickness had become intolerable, only to find out shortly thereafter that it had likely been exacerbated by morning sickness. ---
**Author:** ![flyboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4da419/32.png) [@flyboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flyboy)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/62 "2010-06-19T18:46:24Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Damn straight. > > Your child is more important than your plans to get into the fucking record books. HE GAVE UP THE CHANCE TO BE WITH HIS SON DURING THE BEGINNING OF HIS LIFE FOR NOTHING. Ditto. The guy’s a selfish ass. I’d be more understanding if the reason for being away was better. But as it is, it’s pure, selfish, senseless, useless, bullshit, no matter how much time he spent preparing for it. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/63 "2010-06-19T19:55:50Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > Anyone who thinks vanilla ice cream is better than chocolate ice cream IS A COMPLETE JERK AND ASSHOLE LOSER WHO HAS THE PRIORITIES ALL FUCKED UP!!! Right–this analogy certain fits perfectly. Oh, wait–it doesn’t fit at all. This isn’t about a simple choice of personal preference. This is about bringing a new life into the world and doing your duty as a father/parent. If Dad wants to sail around the world and miss the first 2 years of his child’s life, I have some questions for dear old Dad: 1. Has he made a will? If so, did he update it when the child was born? What’s that? No room on board for the paperwork or the lawyer? Tsk, tsk. But maybe Dad doesn’t think that sailing around the world is dangerous and therefore doesn’t need a will. What would have happened to this woman and their child if he had died at sea? 2. Did Dad help support his child whilst he was off on the HMS Bounty? 3. Any way for these 2 adults to continue to relate to one another and work on building their relationship while he’s off living his fantasy, which does not include his SO and his child? 4. What are the chances of this man and woman staying together in future? She doesn’t like to sail and gets seasick. He avoids fatherhood. They only were together for a few months. She’s been a single parent for 2 years. He’s in his 50s and hasn’t wanted a family up to now (that we know of). It doesn’t add up to success from my POV. I hope they do work it all out and do well as a family–but it’s uphill work. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/64 "2010-06-19T20:20:34Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Right–this analogy certain fits perfectly. Oh, wait–it doesn’t fit at all. This isn’t about a simple choice of personal preference. This is about bringing a new life into the world and doing your duty as a father/parent. Really? It certainly was the preference of the mother to carry, deliver, and keep the child. I’m sure she bears no responsibility for the consequences of her decision. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > If Dad wants to sail around the world and miss the first 2 years of his child’s life, I have some questions for dear old Dad: > > 1. Has he made a will? If so, did he update it when the child was born? What’s that? No room on board for the paperwork or the lawyer? Tsk, tsk. But maybe Dad doesn’t think that sailing around the world is dangerous and therefore doesn’t need a will. What would have happened to this woman and their child if he had died at sea? Who cares? Apparently she had enough money to go off sailing with him. I’m sure she can manage as a single mother if need be. Tens of thousands of women do it every day without needing to depend on a spouse. In this case the guy just isn’t there, and we have NO information about his contributions, financial or otherwise to the care of the child. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > 1. Did Dad help support his child whilst he was off on the HMS Bounty? I don’t know, do you? I can’t find anything about it, and presumably their arrangement was mutually agreed upon regardless. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > 1. Any way for these 2 adults to continue to relate to one another and work on building their relationship while he’s off living his fantasy, which does not include his SO and his child? sure: > [@](#): > > He was able to send e-mails and make satellite phone calls. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > 1. What are the chances of this man and woman staying together in future? She doesn’t like to sail and gets seasick. He avoids fatherhood. They only were together for a few months. She’s been a single parent for 2 years. He’s in his 50s and hasn’t wanted a family up to now (that we know of). It doesn’t add up to success from my POV. I hope they do work it all out and do well as a family–but it’s uphill work. He has a daughter by a previous wife, whom they raised together. He didn’t avoid fatherhood by any measure. From the article the Op linked, his new partner was right there to greet him when he returned, so the relationship can’t be that badly off. ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/65 "2010-06-19T20:21:20Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > **I think a lot of you are also missing the fact that the guy is in his 50’s, the mother is in her late 20’s. He probably would never have another shot at doing something he’d prepared so hard for and invested so heavily in.** His future financial success might hinge on being able to write books or do the talk show circuit. For him, it was something important to do in his life _After_ those years of work or family raising. **This was really unexpected.** The bolded parts are as I stated before, plus it takes years of preparation to embark on something like this. I probably wouldn’t have missed out on the first two years of my kid’s life, but what I stated in my previous post about this guy not necessarily being a jerk was based on trying to understand the circumstances of his life and what it might have meant to them to complete this adventure, and what was said about his and his wife’s decisionmaking – not my life’s circumstances and a landlubber and a non-adventurer. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/66 "2010-06-19T21:51:33Z")
The way I see it, two adults made a decision about \*their \*lives and the life of \*their \*child. There was nothing illegal about the decision, and depending upon your belief system, there was nothing immoral about it, either. I don’t see where anyone was hurt by the decision, and I don’t understand the viciousness being hurled in their direction. Children throughout history have been without one or both parents, and I’m pretty sure they don’t all become psycho axe murderers or drooling invalids. Who’s to say if the dad decided to forego his dream that he wouldn’t resent his child for the rest of his life? Who’s to say that the three of them will stay together anyway, with or without this two-year episode? I expect I’d be strung up by some folks because when my daughter was only 3 weeks old, I put her in day care so I could go back to work. How dare I?? Oh yeah, and we had babysitters lined up so that we could go out as a couple before our baby was even a month old. And we lived aboard a 50-year-old wooden sailboat for the first 14 months of our baby’s life. And there was that year or so when my husband lived 3 hours away from us so he could go to school - how dare he not be there every single day to experience every single second he could of his only child’s life?? No, I don’t think he’s a necessarily a jerk. I don’t know that my husband and I would have made the same decision, but I’m not so sure that all my choices have been the right ones, either. And since I’m not so arrogant as to think that I’m the authority on everything child-related, I’ll just restrain from judging beyond my non-jerk vote. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/67 "2010-06-19T22:09:58Z")
**FairyChatMom** please don’t inject anything like reason into the flying-off-the-handle, overreacting, emotional, judgemental froth so many are whipping themselves into. Those things don’t mix. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/68 "2010-06-19T22:49:31Z")
I just think there’s way too much of a tendency nowadays to judge other people whom we hardly know. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/69 "2010-06-19T22:49:49Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > I expect I’d be strung up by some folks because when my daughter was only 3 weeks old, I put her in day care so I could go back to work. How dare I?? Oh yeah, and we had babysitters lined up so that we could go out as a couple before our baby was even a month old. And we lived aboard a 50-year-old wooden sailboat for the first 14 months of our baby’s life. And there was that year or so when my husband lived 3 hours away from us so he could go to school - how dare he not be there every single day to experience every single second he could of his only child’s life?? I’m just curious, since I posted as one of the “judgers” (though, to be fair, I never said the guy was a jerk, just selfish). If we aren’t supposed to judge this guy and his role as a parent, under what circumstances would we be able to? Let’s say the guy spends the whole two years in the backyard shed with his model trains, while his wife takes care of the baby? Can we call him selfish then? How about if he spends two years planted on a couch, playing Pac Man non-stop so he can get the highest score ever? Can we call him selfish then? I think a lot of people are letting the impressiveness of the feat overshadow everything. But people have passions for tons of hobbies and yet they still are are able to let the human being they created be a part of their lives. And if they can’t accomplish their ultimate dream right here right now, big whoop. There’s always the future. I think a person can be not-a-jerk and still do something that’s quite selfish and self-indulgent (I’m betting his girlfriend would have loved to paint and do yoga all day long). Also, going to school to upgrade a career or working a job that brings in household income is not selfish. But trying to break a world record just for the glory of it all…hmm, I’m not seeing how that’s even in the same ballpark. If I were to have a baby and I decided to hand it over to my mother for just enough time to finish college? Not selfish, because having a college degree will have a tangible impact on my family. But if I were to hand over my baby just so that I can be at one with the ocean and get my name in some book read only by idiot savants and ten-year-old kids who can’t figure out what else to choose at the school’s annual book fair? Not mother of the year material, no I wouldn’t be. That’s how I see this thing. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/70 "2010-06-19T23:16:57Z")
A slight hijack. I follow a forum dedicated to people who design/build/sail SMALL sailboats for various reasons. These kind of boats are sometimes called microcruisers. A few years ago a guy had designed and built his own microcruiser. It was something like 11 feet long (I kid you not). To sail around the world. Not to just sail around the world, but to sail around the world without touching land. And not just not touch land, but to not have ANY resupplies from land whatsoever. **In an eleven fucking foot long sailboat**. The guy, Harley?, swore he had done all the math, and it was doable. He actually finally drove his homebuilt boat hundreds, if not a thousand miles, to launch on the west/canadian west? coast. Somehow the boat got damaged when being unloaded and sank at the dock that night. The forum actually took up a collection so he could have enough money to get back home! And he had not even left port yet. If he had ended up on some foreign shore I have no idea what his plan was besides to be a low rent gigalo or drug mule to make it back to the US. Oh, and his plan had him in the Gulf of Mexico, the Carribean, and the South Atlantic at the height of hurricane season. His boat getting damaged was most VERY VERY VERY likely the luckiest thing that has ever happened to a human being. end of barely related story. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/71 "2010-06-19T23:19:51Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Right–this analogy certain fits perfectly. Oh, wait–it doesn’t fit at all. This isn’t about a simple choice of personal preference. This is about bringing a new life into the world and doing your duty as a father/parent. The nature and extent of a person’s duty as a father/parent is a matter of personal preference. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/72 "2010-06-20T00:07:34Z")
I remembered more. It was Harley. The boat was named Sea Biscuit. But it wasnt an eleven foot long boat. It was a whopping eight feet long! Here is work safe link with a few pic. [http://www.duckworksmagazine.com/06/outings/track/index.htm](http://www.duckworksmagazine.com/06/outings/track/index.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/73 "2010-06-20T00:10:56Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > The nature and extent of a person’s duty as a father/parent is a matter of personal preference. Would you say the nature and extent of woman’s duty as a mother is a matter of personal preference? ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/74 "2010-06-20T00:27:15Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Would you say the nature and extent of woman’s duty as a mother is a matter of personal preference? I already have. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/75 "2010-06-20T02:17:20Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I’m just curious, since I posted as one of the “judgers” (though, to be fair, I never said the guy was a jerk, just selfish). If we aren’t supposed to judge this guy and his role as a parent, under what circumstances would we be able to? For me it’s a question of hearing all the evidence, and from a single news story about someone I never heard of the day before, it’s just not enough evidence to form a judgement. Remember, “There are two sides to every story.” ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/76 "2010-06-20T02:23:21Z")
> [@Rand\_Rover](#): > > I already have. The way you phrased it was ambigous. So, since you consider either a matter of personal preference, you’re okay with a woman having a baby, raising her for, oh, let’s say a month, and then leaving her alone in the house for a day at a time, right? If not, why? ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/77 "2010-06-20T02:57:32Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > Really? It certainly was the preference of the mother to carry, deliver, and keep the child. I’m sure she bears no responsibility for the consequences of her decision. Who’s letting her off the hook? Certainly not me. And since there are 2 people involved in the making of a baby, I’d say he’s as responsible as she is. This man is 50+; he gets his 20+ GF pregnant. Let us hope that they had good weather and were able to, I dunno, TALK about what the future holds for them both. Were they even certain that she was pregnant when she disembarked? Let us hope they thoroughly discussed the issue. There is no evidence that they did not, but there is no evidence that they did, either. > [@](#): > > Who cares? Apparently she had enough money to go off sailing with him. I’m sure she can manage as a single mother if need be. Tens of thousands of women do it every day without needing to depend on a spouse. In this case the guy just isn’t there, and we have NO information about his contributions, financial or otherwise to the care of the child. Being a single PARENT of a newborn is incredibly difficult for anyone. I’m not all that concerned about the financial aspects of this (except for the guy’s will of course–so that his child can be provided for by the man who fathered him), but any PARENT needs emotional and physical support while raising a baby. > [@](#): > > He has a daughter by a previous wife, whom they raised together. He didn’t avoid fatherhood by any measure. From the article the Op linked, his new partner was right there to greet him when he returned, so the relationship can’t be that badly off. Where did you get the bit about his having a daughter? Not from the article in the OP. As I said before, I hope these two have a solid future together. I still say that he will live to regret his not being there for his child. This is my opinion. Your opinion is different. End of story. Who knows–maybe his son will grow up and break his dad’s record in sailing. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/78 "2010-06-20T17:48:51Z")
I guess I just feel like there are millions of men and women, some of whom we probably know personally, who decide they’d rather have fun running around than raise their kids. Why should I get any more worked up about this guy, who at least found a fun way to be an absentee father, than Rick down the street who smokes pot all day and dodges his child support payments? How many kids these days grow up in two-parent families anyway? ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/79 "2010-06-20T18:03:53Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > The way you phrased it was ambigous. > > So, since you consider either a matter of personal preference, you’re okay with a woman having a baby, raising her for, oh, let’s say a month, and then leaving her alone in the house for a day at a time, right? If not, why? Your gotcha failed. Leaving a one-month old alone is lillegal, and therefore outside the realm of being simply a matter of personal preference. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719/80 "2010-06-20T18:35:35Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > I remembered more. It was Harley. The boat was named Sea Biscuit. But it wasnt an eleven foot long boat. It was a whopping eight feet long! > > Here is work safe link with a few pic. > > [Duckworks Magazine](http://www.duckworksmagazine.com/06/outings/track/index.htm) O.K., after reading some of the linked articles about the “Sea Biscuit” guy, Mr. Stowe is starting to sound a lot more reasonable… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/man-misses-first-two-years-of-his-sons-life-to-finish-a-sailing-trip-was-he-a-jerk/543719.md?page=5)