# Man's wife ruins someone's job out of homophobia. Should he rat her out? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 22, 2012, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977 "2012-06-22T19:15:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977/61 "2012-06-26T04:05:05Z")
Should Jack keep his job? His employers are bigots. ---
**Author:** ![Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f04885/32.png) [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qin_Shi_Huangdi)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977/62 "2012-06-26T04:11:39Z")
No, Jack should not honour his wife’s request and tell Janet the truth. If Vicki is really sorry, she ought to be willing to tell the truth. ---
**Author:** ![oreally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7ab992/32.png) [@oreally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oreally)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977/63 "2012-06-26T11:17:44Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > You’re assuming he’s going to get divorced. And while what Vicki did is a major offense against _Jack_, I’m not sure it should be a marriage buster. In his place I’d want to try therapy first. > > I’m not convinced that Vicki knows she did something wrong to Janet. I think she knows she did something that will displease Jack and anger Janet, but I think it’s possible for her to honestly (albeit ignorantly) believe she is in the right. At last the voice of common sense. Some of you seem awfully quick and ready to rush to divorce court. Yikes. I guess “for better or for worse” is passe and marriages are more like going steady in school for a lot of people. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2012, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977/64 "2012-06-26T12:49:21Z")
> [@oreally](#): > > At last the voice of common sense. Some of you seem awfully quick and ready to rush to divorce court. Yikes. I guess “for better or for worse” is passe and marriages are more like going steady in school for a lot of people. Well, “for better or worse” wasn’t in my wedding vows any more than “obeying” was, so yeah, _passé_ about covers it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t take the vows I did make seriously - there was something in there about “supporting each other” - tell me, do you think fucking over my friends should count as “support”? ---
**Author:** ![oreally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7ab992/32.png) [@oreally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oreally)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2012, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977/65 "2012-06-27T11:40:41Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > Well, “for better or worse” wasn’t in my wedding vows any more than “obeying” was, so yeah, _passé_ about covers it. Shouldn’t have to be. I would hope it’s a given. > [@](#): > > But that doesn’t mean I don’t take the vows I did make seriously - there was something in there about “supporting each other” - tell me, do you think fucking over my friends should count as “support”? No. Do you think you should automatically run to divorce because of it? ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2012, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977/66 "2012-06-27T12:06:00Z")
If Vicki felt strongly enough about this to rat on Janet, she should have the courage of her convictions and tell Janet. Either she believes what she did was right, in which case she should own it, or she doesn’t, in which case she owes Janet a huge fucking apology. And Jack ought to adopt an “either you tell her or I will” strategy. Marriage counseling would be the next step at the very least. This marriage is already broken; only Jack and Vicki can decide if its salvageable. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2012, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977/67 "2012-06-27T13:16:36Z")
It’s not so easy to throw away a marriage, even when a spouse has done something as nasty as Vicky did. Just saying “dump her ass” or “get a divorce” doesn’t take into account what a _big_ deal that is for most people. But… There were already some red flags here. A wife who’s jealous of a pre-existing friendship. A husband who doesn’t trust his wife enough to tell her that his friend is gay (apparently with good reason). I wouldn’t give up on the marriage just like that, but there’d definitely be some serious talks and much soul-searching to determine the future of the relationship. As for Vicky’s request to keep her betrayal a secret, Jack’s answer should simply be “I’m not sure I can do that.” He doesn’t need to go running off and volunteer the information to Janet; indeed, it may never come up. But agreeing to lie if confronted with a direct question from a good friend is too much to promise, even to one’s wife. One final thought: Not that it excuses Vicky’s actions, but Janet signed a contract that said (presumably) that she could be fired for being a lesbian, and the school found out – however they found out – that she’s a lesbian. That’s a chance she took, and it was probably unrealistic to believe nobody would ever find out. So, lesson learned for Janet. She should seek out a more tolerant employer now. ---
**Author:** ![oreally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7ab992/32.png) [@oreally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oreally)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977/68 "2012-06-28T00:15:56Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > It’s not so easy to throw away a marriage It would appear to be for some people here. Yikes. > [@](#): > > There were already some red flags here. A wife who’s jealous of a pre-existing friendship. A husband who doesn’t trust his wife enough to tell her that his friend is gay (apparently with good reason). I wouldn’t give up on the marriage just like that, but there’d definitely be some serious talks and much soul-searching to determine the future of the relationship. Well said. There are definite problems here, but it’s about more than the specific issue at hand. > [@](#): > > One final thought: Not that it excuses Vicky’s actions, but Janet signed a contract that said (presumably) that she could be fired for being a lesbian, and the school found out – however they found out – that she’s a lesbian. That’s a chance she took, and it was probably unrealistic to believe nobody would ever find out. So, lesson learned for Janet. She should seek out a more tolerant employer now. I was tempted to mention this but figure the “don’t be a hater/you oppressor” (blah etc) would come up. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977/69 "2012-06-28T01:32:23Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > I must have missed the bit in my vows that said “cover for your bigoted ass when you narc on my friends” I don’t know what you said in your vows. Don’t care. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977/70 "2012-06-28T01:44:01Z")
The thought that my spouse would rat out my friend saddens me greatly. In Jack’s place, I would have a long discussion with my spouse about her homophobia and the fact that she just ruined someone else’s career due to her own fear. Then I would suggest she get help dealing with her fear. Then, I would tell Vicki that I cannot say for certain that I would not tell Janet but that I would not be the one to bring the subject up. Keeping a secret is one thing, lying to avoid the honest answer is another. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mans-wife-ruins-someones-job-out-of-homophobia-should-he-rat-her-out/625977.md?page=3)