# marriage and dealing with differing libido **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 20, 2003, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359 "2003-08-20T03:41:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Truth\_Seeker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5fc32e/32.png) [@Truth\_Seeker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truth_Seeker)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/41 "2003-08-22T21:05:25Z")
> [@](#): > > The first step is to rule out hormonal factors, especially low testosterone. This can be accomplished with simple blood tests. From what we presently understand about the role of testosterone in women, Free Testosterone should be a minimum of 1.9 and Total Testosterone should be a minimum of 20. If your testosterone is low, you can talk to your doctor about potentially replacing your testosterone. [http://www.newshe.com/factsheets/Hypoactive\_Sexual\_Desire\_Disorder.shtml](http://www.newshe.com/factsheets/Hypoactive_Sexual_Desire_Disorder.shtml) I’m surprised no one has mentioned this before. Messing about with anti-depressants ought to be fairly far down the list. Unfortunately, a suprising number of docs are unaware of the role of testosterone in the female sex drive and are resistant to using testosterone supplements as a treatment. As the OP and so many others who posted here well know, these situations can easily spiral out of control and take on all sorts of serious baggage. But sometimes it really isn’t all in your head and there’s a solid – and treatable – medical reason for a lack of libido. The Drs. Berman run, so far as I know, the only sex clinic that focuses entirely on women’s sexual issues. (It’s their website cited above.) They have a truly unusual medical-centered approach to treatment. Before you give up entirely, give them a try. They even have intensive diagnosis and treatment programs that can be worked into a week’s visit to Southern California. Maybe that ought to be the exotic vacation destination a couple of people have suggested. Good luck, OP – you, too, **X** ---
**Author:** ![SlowMindThinking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@SlowMindThinking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlowMindThinking)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2003, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/42 "2003-08-22T22:52:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by X~Slayer(ALE) \* > \*\*I dont know about **DaddyTimesTwo** but I really dont believe I am a sex addict. First of all, I am getting used to not having sex which when I think about it is really quite sad. There are some things I really wish that my wife would do that would rekindle my feelings for her. These are things that I cant tell her much less explain to her or it will be a contribed situation. > \*\*I miss her spontaneous hugs. She used to hug me when she saw me or if we’ve been apart for long. You can tell a lovers hug from a regular hug. If you cant, then I cant explain it adequately. I ninitiate hugs now whenever I feel the need which is now largely ceremonial and sometimes she wont even hug me back. She would just stand there with her arms hanging down or holding whatever and wait for me to finish. > > \*\*I miss her kiss. The kiss i got before I married her. The kiss we made at our honeymoon, just before our first child was born, the first night when our baby slep at out house… its gone and i miss it so much > > \*\*I miss that smile she gives me from across the room. The sparkling “hi” she did with her eyes letting me know she is thinking of me even when I am not by her side > > \*\*I miss her touch. That very special touch she makes that makes my skin warm and I tingle with electric excitement when I feel it from her hand. That touch on my face makes my whole day. I can feel her love in that moment of contact. > > \*\*I miss the sweet little things she did that outwardly looks childish and silly but fills my soul to the brim with such love for her that it brings a tear to my eye knowing that she hasnt done that in years and actually doesnt rememeber doing any of it. > > \*\*I miss the tenderness. The soft loving things she did just for me. The mothering, making me feel special, the special care she took for the things that I need or wanted. the rapport, that special bond between us. that too I feel is gone. > > \*\*I miss _her_ even when shes standing right in front of me. > > Do I really need a sex therapist for that? \*\* This one really hit home for me, and about made me cry. For a long time after the kids were born my marriage was like that. In my case, it wasn’t as extreme as DaddyTimes2, but not good. In our case, her libido would return when she wanted another kid, but we could have long gaps without any. I think we went more than six months without after our twins were born. The summer my last was conceived, we did it that once. It would make me wonder if the kid was mine, except that he looks like all the others. I got very resentful like DaddyTimes2 and would finally blow up, things would be better for a while, and the cycle would restart. Once the kids got older, things got better in that sex was more than her lying there and me fantasizing about someone actually participating. She would actually be enthusiastic on occassion, and allow another position, and move and things, but still I was bitter, and well, notice how the woman all talk about their self-esteem was low, never the guys’? Well, mine was/is in the toilet and the water is swirling. One thing that isn’t mentioned here is what to do if your SO won’t seek help or even acknowledge a problem. “Honey, how about I give you a massage”. “No”, and rolls eyes. “Not even if I promise not to push for sex.” “I said no” … I tried to get her to go to a marriage counsellor, no dice. In her mind, we were doing it three times a week, everything was great, and I was making up problems. I finally wrote a letter detailing what I missed, along the lines of X’Slayers but not as poignant. I just was brutally honest. “When you won’t kiss, except for pecks, it makes me feel like either I can’t kiss, or you don’t love me.” “When you won’t touch or hug me, it makes me feel …” “You are absolutely beautiful, and yet you won’t let me see you naked. Ever. It makes me feel …” I went to pornographic lengths. I also talked to one of her best friend’s husband. It is not easy for me to talk about things like this in person, but I did it. I knew that he would talk to his wife, and she would talk to her. The combination got her attention. It has been much better since then. Still not great. She actually sees the need for an occassional date and to need some touch. (Forget a vacation from the kids, for her a vacation seems to be a vacation from sex.) I don’t know if it would work for either of you, but if laying everything on the line doesn’t work, I’d recommend giving up. I haven’t read that book, it is my opinion that if she doesn’t want touch without sex, then the book isn’t going to help much. ---
**Author:** ![papergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@papergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papergirl)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2003, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/43 "2003-08-23T14:32:29Z")
**Dx2** , I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: Listen to **hedra**. My ex husband could have written your OP. And if I were able to respond coherently and with absolute honesty, I could have written exactly what **hedra** has said. I’ve erased everything else I’d written, because I’m just not sure it’s helpful. But I wish you the best, and I feel for you wife. She’s not happy with the situation either, I can guarantee it. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/44 "2003-08-28T03:56:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Belrix \* > \*\*For a while it was (literally) one or (at most) twice per month. \*\* We’re working on medicine changes to try to regain my libido at the moment. At the moment it’s been well over a year since we’ve had sex. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/45 "2003-08-28T04:06:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CrankyAsAnOldMan \* > \*\*I’m on the other side of this problem: after my son was born my libido tanked. It has been further damaged by antidepressants and weight gain. \*\* Excuse me… are you me? ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/46 "2003-08-28T15:04:34Z")
The Lady B’s sexual response was affected by our kids’ births, too. What was once an ability to respond to my subtle attentions has required a somewhat more, shall we say, “electrified”, level of stimulation. Really, some nerve damage or similar may be to blame. You might try, if you don’t already, the increased use of toys and other more direct, un-subtle, stimulation. Use it (or them) with careful attention to your partner’s feelings and role (don’t replace him with _it_). Involve him in its use, both giving and receiving (sometimes that can be simultaneous). Our first electified friend was a bit of a threat to my manhood. Now I realize its value and my wife is careful to allow time for both me and it. Its use brings my wife pleasure that’s difficult to impossible without it, that brings value to our bedroom time, even if it’s not just “all me”. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/47 "2003-08-28T15:18:33Z")
For me, it isn’t a matter of sexual response… it’s a matter of sexual desire. Getting to the point where one would use an “electrified friend” just doesn’t happen when the whole concept of sex is revolting. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/48 "2003-08-28T15:19:39Z")
Does it strike anyone else odd that a reduced libido seems to lead to almost a sexual aversion? Honey, can you massage my back? Sure, no problem. Honey, can you massage my penis? No! Leave me alone you sex-addicted pig! I can understand not having a desire to do something. And intercourse could be out of the question. But why does everything related to sex become so bad? ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/49 "2003-08-28T15:52:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by filmore \* > \*\*Does it strike anyone else odd that a reduced libido seems to lead to almost a sexual aversion? > > Honey, can you massage my back? > Sure, no problem. > > Honey, can you massage my penis? > No! Leave me alone you sex-addicted pig! > > I can understand not having a desire to do something. And intercourse could be out of the question. But why does everything related to sex become so bad? \*\* Well, for one thing, if you have zero desire to be touched, or to touch someone else, constant pestering to touch or be touched becomes a real pain in the ass. For another thing, if you’re not enjoying it all, someone pestering you to touch them for their own enjoyment seems terribly selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. (It’s okay as an occasional thing with most people, but when it’s the norm rather than the exception it’s a real problem.) Then, of course, there’s the whole expectation thing. Things like penis massages tend to create the fairly reasonable expectation of impending intercourse, which is right out, since you have absolutely no desire to have intercourse. And then you have to either have sex you don’t want to have, or deal with someone being justifiably frustrated about not having sex. Judging from the experiences of my friends this seems to mostly take the form of “But I’m horny!” or “Oh, don’t be a tease” or “Well, what were you grabbing my penis for if we weren’t going to have sex?” Who the hell would want to put themselves in a position where they’re gonna have to deal with that? ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/50 "2003-08-28T16:30:39Z")
I can field this a bit from the man’s point of view. Sex, at least, IMO, _good_ sex, is a two way street. “Honey, can you massage my penis?” is great if my wife is getting something out of it too, at least the pleasure of doing something nice for her husband or, better yet, sexual excitement that can lead to more activities. If the woman is getting _nothing_ out of this, then it’s just chore for her and not much interest for me, either. Sure, I want to orgasm every now and then. Better by far is to have a mutual experience. The woman has to be a willing partner for these to really work. From the woman’s POV, as far as I know, it’s like I tell my wife, “Don’t rub the bottle if you don’t want the Genie to come out.” The wife isn’t really interested in the Genie and having it come out can only lead to disappointment and emotional pain for at least one (and probably both) of them. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/51 "2003-08-28T16:34:24Z")
Plus, the whole sex “thing” can become really gross. I know that at the worst times, the whole concept really just disgusts me. I don’t want to feel this way. I certainly never used to feel this way. And fortunately, I don’t feel that way at the moment. The switch to Wellbutrin has, for me, seemed to help somewhat. I haven’t really had any sexual desire, but then I’ve not really been in a position where it is even a posibility so it is hard to say. More to the point, however, I haven’t felt the negative feelings toward sex that have been the norm for years now. ---
**Author:** ![DaddyTimesTwo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@DaddyTimesTwo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaddyTimesTwo)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359/52 "2003-08-29T03:37:01Z")
The really difficult part is bringing up sex at all. I think that a switch of medication might help, but asking her to make an appointment with her doctor is a **big** deal. We have to coordinate the office visit and find a babysitter for the kids… Man, being a grown up sux. Of course, I didn’t have the greatest time as a teen ager either. Being a kid was pretty cool though. I had lots of fun through about 6th grade or so. 😃 Thanks for the comments and advice everyone. One of these days I’m gonna get my wife to read these things. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-and-dealing-with-differing-libido/196359.md?page=2)