# Marriage circling the drain (Long) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 21, 2008, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180 "2008-04-21T02:22:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2008, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180/21 "2008-07-04T17:41:41Z")
Wait, does she still think you are trying to work things out? ---
**Author:** ![beckwall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b487fb/32.png) [@beckwall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beckwall)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2008, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180/22 "2008-07-04T18:58:05Z")
[QUOTE=PunditLisa] You’ve lived with a mentally ill person for over 8 years…? Hats off to you. [/QUOTE] Speaking from my own experience, your lack of empathy is astounding. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 years ago, and today I am with the same man who saw my world collapse 12 years ago. I work, I socialize, I take my meds, I abstain from alcohol as directed by my psych MD, I exercise, I travel, I read, I write, I go to concerts, I am frequently unable to sleep or think straight or have an orgasm due to the strong psych meds I take religiously. Does that sound like fun to you? I wish I had an “acceptable disease” like cancer or diabetes or heart disease so people like you might take a moment to consider what I go through, how I struggle every single day. As far as you are concerned, I am just a liability and a difficult person to live with. I hope nobody in your family ever “comes down” with a mental illness. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2008, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180/23 "2008-07-04T19:45:08Z")
[QUOTE=beckwall] Speaking from my own experience, your lack of empathy is astounding. [/quote] That’s not the vibe I got from Lisa at all. > [@](#): > > I work, I socialize, I take my meds, I abstain from alcohol as directed by my psych MD, I exercise, I travel, I read, I write, I go to concerts… There are at least nine ways you’re different from my wife. Plus, she has at one point or another in the past demanded that _I_ stop working, socializing, traveling, going to concerts, exercising, or even, say, going to the dentist. She didn’t want me to do any of those things because she wasn’t up for doing them herself. There’s a difference between “mentally ill” and “mentally ill and trying to get better.” I could have probably lived with the latter. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2008, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180/24 "2008-07-04T19:49:56Z")
[QUOTE=DigitalC] Wait, does she still think you are trying to work things out? [/QUOTE] Kinda. We’ve agreed to separate for two months. I’ve set some pretty stringent conditions on us ever getting back together. I know that it looks like a shitty, underhanded way to go about splitting from somebody, but it’s on the advice of my therapist. There’s a very real possibility that if I just do the whole “Fuck you, talk to my lawyer” thing, she’ll do something to seriously harm herself. And _then_ how would I feel about it? That sounds cold, but in many ways, it’s like dealing with a two-year-old, with the emotional vocabulary of a teenager, who lives in an adult’s body. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2008, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180/25 "2008-07-04T19:51:54Z")
Sorry to hear all this, OP. My doc prescribed Ambien. I didn’t react well to it. If I had taken half what she did, you’d find me in the cemetery. As for the moving out and such, my experience with my ex- was that she improved dramatically for 2-3 weeks and then returned to where she’d been. Note, I’m not saying her problems mirror those in your wife…I’m just saying that I wouldn’t be surprised if people typically shape up for a short while once a spouse moves out. I’d promise yourself to wait at least a month before making any kind of decision, with the default being “This is permanent; I’m gone” until and unless there’s clear evidence of lasting change. JMO YMMV. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Shayna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shayna/32/17976_2.png) [@Shayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shayna)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2008, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180/26 "2008-07-04T20:20:49Z")
Congratulations, and stay strong! Happy Independence Day! ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2008, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180/27 "2008-07-04T21:10:25Z")
[QUOTE=beckwall] Speaking from my own experience, your lack of empathy is astounding. [/QUOTE] Not sure why you’d see me giving kudos to someone who has voluntarily stayed and cared for someone who suffers from a mental illness as a slight to those who suffer from mental illness. If a person came in here and posted that she had been taking care of her husband who suffers from (cancer/alzheimers) for the past 7 years, I’d offer a similar sentiment. Not because the person with the disease has less merit, but because they’re not the one posting. It’s all about POV. * * * Black Rabbit, good luck in this chapter of your marriage. It sucks. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2008, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180/28 "2008-07-04T23:44:38Z")
[QUOTE=black rabbit] Happy Independence Day, y’all. [/QUOTE] Indeed. Best of luck to you both, whatever happens. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2008, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180/29 "2008-07-05T07:09:21Z")
**black rabbit** , I also have a debilitating mental illness. Your wife’s behavior reminds me of my own in the earliest years before I got help. That was a long time ago. Have _you_ talked with your wife’s therapist privately? She or he seemed to want her to go to the ER when she had taken the ambien. Is her therapist a psychologist or a psychiatrist? If you are going to continue to be involved in her life, I cannot stress enough the importance of her seeing an M.D. in conjunction with her therapy. Whether or not that is a psychiatrist that is brought in on the side or a doctor that the counselor is in touch with – I just don’t know the specifics of her situation. I have been in psychiatric hospitals before and there have been people there whose problems seemed to be not nearly as bad as your wife’s. I’ve also seen medication (not just sleeping pills!) help people to set their worlds straight again. Your wife sounds like she is terribly confused and just running into walls. (Hospitals are not so bad.) I am not a doctor. While you are separate and free might be a good time to look into what possibilities there are for helping her. She can’t just talk this one out. You are not to blame. You are not responsible for this. But in a strange sense, she may not be either if it is her brain chemistry that is screwed up. I’m not saying that is it, but it is a possibility. My heart goes out to you. You seem to be a very strong person. Please take care of _yourself_. Keep your heart alive. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-circling-the-drain-long/446180.md?page=1)