# Marriage: How the #!@$ do you know? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 18, 2008, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307 "2008-11-18T17:13:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/21 "2008-11-18T21:17:58Z")
> [@neuroman](#): > > But in all seriousness, when and how did you dopers make the decision to tie the knot? The first time or the second time? šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Neeps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a183cd/32.png) [@Neeps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neeps)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/22 "2008-11-18T21:45:58Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > We felt like weā€™d known each other forever. It wasnā€™t ā€œTHIS IS THE WOMAN I WILL MARRY!ā€ it was ā€œOh, there you are. Letā€™s get on with it and start the rest of our lives together.ā€ A no brainer, really. Ooh, this! After about 3 dates, both of us were like, okay, so weā€™ve found each other, letā€™s just start enjoying our life together. Marriage was just the logical progression of that. No stress was involved (well, maybe in the wedding part of it) and certainly no doubts. Maybe it helped that I was nearing the end of my 20s and was really looking for stability. Maybe it was the fact that the thought of spending the rest of my life with this one person was actually more appealing than horrifying. Maybe it was because he was my best friend and I could see myself being cosy with him into our dotage. I canā€™t imagine going into a marriage without feeling these things, but I imagine that there will be people out there who started out on a less certain footing and ended up with a solid marriage. For me, though, there was just this certainty. Canā€™t really explain it more than that. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/23 "2008-11-18T21:53:49Z")
Dunno. It just seemed really obvious at the time. And I only regret it when heā€™s a bozo! ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/24 "2008-11-18T23:03:57Z")
While we arenā€™t legally married, after 16 years, we certainly have the equivalent. For me, it was the first time I closed my eyes and tried to imagine life without him around. What hit me was a wall of grief. Not grief over a death or a seperation, but grief over not having him in my life. ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/25 "2008-11-19T00:27:13Z")
We were nearly 40 when we started dating and weā€™d built good lives on our own. What it came down to for me is simply that life is better with him than without him, and of all the people Iā€™ve known in my life, Iā€™d rather spend time with him rather than anyone else. I canā€™t say there was a time in my life when I was ā€œready to marrry.ā€ For most of my life I didnā€™t expect to get married. As for what I considered and when, I started thinking about such things when I realized I could fall in love with him. I liked his character and his wit. Heā€™s independent, competent, and self-sufficient which means he wonā€™t need to be taken care of constantly. Heā€™s also honorable and honor matters to him, as it does to me. This means neither of us will push the other to do something he or she believes is morally wrong. The last thing Iā€™d strongly urge someone to consider before deciding to get married is how the two of you handle adversity together. It can be something mild, but I would get the other personā€™s measure in a crisis. Things do go wrong in life, and I wouldnā€™t want to be married to someone I couldnā€™t rely on when things got tough, nor would I want to be a person who couldnā€™t be relied on. If I was going to marry, I wanted to marry someone who could be a partner, an equal, and a friend. Iā€™m glad I found one. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/26 "2008-11-19T00:38:34Z")
How do you know? How do you know? You try & then you find out. If its a 40 degree morning at 6AM and the kids are asleep and she looks so sweet from the back as she sleeps on her sideā€¦and you want to spoon her & more. How do you know? Wellā€¦ you gently throw an arm over her & hug her in her sleep. And if she moans lightly, give the red light to the paratroopers & ā€œGoā€¦!Goā€¦!Goā€¦!ā€ When the urge to resolve this out weighs any possible future hook ups, you just Know. Same as when youā€™re passing a kidney stone, btwā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/27 "2008-11-19T03:24:42Z")
We had never lived closer than 600 miles apart in the five years we knew each other. For the first year we visited often, then we broke up. We got involved with other people, but weā€™d keep in touch every so often. We got uninvolved. Then, when Amtrak killed my hamster (long story) she was the only one I could think to call. We started talking again more frequently, and I sensed (in one of my very rare instances of actually getting it) that the time was right. So, I invited her to help me move from Illinois to Louisiana (how romantic) and I asked her. I assumed weā€™d get married after she got her PhD, but she had already decided that research was not for her, so we were engaged for 10 months. I think basically we both figured out that we couldnā€™t stop talking to each other, and being married would save on our phone bills. ---
**Author:** ![BaneSidhe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c5a1d2/32.png) [@BaneSidhe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BaneSidhe)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/28 "2008-11-19T06:24:57Z")
I wasnā€™t exactly sure I was ready for marriage when I woke up one morning and realized that Iā€™d found my best friend in the world. I couldnā€™t imagine life without him, and when he saw me throught several really bad times and never backed away once, I knew I had a keeper. ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/29 "2008-11-19T08:17:38Z")
> [@Jayn\_Newell](#): > > When we decided that we didnā€™t want to be separated again and marriage was the only way the US government would let me stay in the country. > > More seriously, when I realised that I would do almost anything for this person, and that he was willing to do the same for me. This, except change ā€œUSā€ government for ā€œAustralianā€. ---
**Author:** ![Angua](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8baadc/32.png) [@Angua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angua)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/30 "2008-11-19T08:54:36Z")
> [@Jennyrosity](#): > > I never understand why some women get into serious relationships and then start questioning whether the man wants to marry them - or gets married and then complains their husband doesnā€™t want kids. Surely, you have those conversations first?! Well yes, but sometimes the things you want at 23 arenā€™t the same things you want at 27 or 28ā€¦ And what might have seemed like a brilliant match for a serious relationship at 23/24 suddenly turns out to be rather incompatible as what you both want out of life evolve/changeā€¦ And then you have to make certain decisions. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/31 "2008-11-19T14:18:07Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > ā€¦had a long-term romance for more than a year before moving in togetherā€¦ Ooops. S/b ā€œlong-distance romance.ā€ ---
**Author:** ![Avarie537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/48db29/32.png) [@Avarie537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avarie537)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/32 "2008-11-19T14:48:54Z")
I just _did_. After one date, I knew he was really special. After 3 1/2 weeks, I knew I was in love with him. After 7 1/2 weeks, he proposed, and I said yes. We waited another year and a half to get married, just to make sure we werenā€™t rushing into anything. Seven years later, I know I made the right choice for me. ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/33 "2008-11-19T15:05:40Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > The first time or the second time? šŸ˜ƒ Both times if you like, or even the fifth. This poll is open to everyone, not just married-once, still-married dopers (although that seems to be who its attracted.) Thanks to everyone whoā€™s responded so far. ---
**Author:** ![Shawn1767](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Shawn1767](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shawn1767)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/34 "2008-11-19T15:16:11Z")
I am in the camp that says ā€œwe just knew.ā€ But one time, I had to put it in words for my sister-in-law who was doing some project in high school on love or relationships. I related it to having this program that constantly runs in my head, itā€™s like a search engine. In every relationship before the one with my wife, that program would run and eventually it would find something that I knew would ultimately end the relationship. Then, that reason would be in the back of my head. And sure enough, those relationships ended. And one of them was a 4 1/2 year relationship that was pretty good for a while, but somewhere deep down inside, I knew it was going to end and not go on to marriage. I knew that the program had kicked out ā€œreligious differencesā€ and that it would never work out. However, when I met my wife, that program never found anything that would indicate to me that our relationship would end. And itā€™s not like I am actively searching for something to break us up or anything. Itā€™s just that I think most people ā€œknowā€ when itā€™s not going to work out and ā€œrelationship momentumā€ is the only thing keeping it going. Then there are the times when you find what you are looking for and it works out really well. Also, I know that if an issue DOES come up with me and my wife, it will be something weā€™ll work to resolve and not something that is going to end the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/35 "2008-11-19T16:54:36Z")
Hereā€™s what I would ask myself before ever getting married again: Is this person kind to you? Are they kind to other people? If theyā€™re bad to other people, theyā€™ll probably be bad to you eventually too. Can you tolerate their family? Are your views on religion and raising children at least somewhat compatible? Do you share at least some of the same passions and interests, or if not can you both be happy living together but not doing things together? Do they have good self-esteem? If they donā€™t love themselves, they wonā€™t be pleasant to be around. Andā€¦is the sex good? ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/36 "2008-11-19T17:00:50Z")
Keep it comingā€¦ I think Iā€™ll print out this thread and tape it to the fridge to help my man make up his mindā€¦ (Iā€™m kidding, but this is fun to read. I like happy stories!) ---
**Author:** ![dre2xl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/34f0e0/32.png) [@dre2xl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dre2xl)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/37 "2008-11-19T17:08:39Z")
Iā€™d suggest cohabitation first and foremost to see if itā€™s for you. Marriage isnā€™t much different than cohabitation, in my experience. ---
**Author:** ![Solfy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Solfy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Solfy)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/38 "2008-11-19T17:20:24Z")
It used to be that I didnā€™t believe in that ā€œyou just _know_ā€ crap. Then I _knew_. I can pinpoint the exact moment it dawned on me that this is the person. And we had only been dating for four months. And I was far too young to be contemplating marriage. And I believed in it. After nine years of marriage, I still believe that if you have to ask yourself if this is the right person, then itā€™s not the right person. I canā€™t explain it, and the cynic in my head sometimes mocks me, but there it is. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/39 "2008-11-19T17:23:48Z")
Although oddly enough there are some studies showing that people who live together before marriage are actually _more_ likely to later divorce, for us it was a very good and useful experience. You learn things about someone when youā€™re living with her day in and day out that you just donā€™t from dating, even over a long time period. Living together taught my future bride and I that we could, and did, enjoy being together a lot more. Eighteen years later, itā€™s easy to see it was the right thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307/40 "2008-11-19T18:37:02Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Although oddly enough there are some studies showing that people who live together before marriage are actually _more_ likely to later divorce Iā€™ve seen those statistics. I wonder if it has anything to do with the reasons people stay married versus the type of people who will live together. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-how-the-do-you-know/473307.md?page=3)