# Marriage problem/need advice **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 13, 2010, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526 "2010-11-13T03:42:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/61 "2010-11-15T20:35:44Z")
The problem with cheating is the lies and deception. Divorce hurts, but at least you know what is going on and can make plans from there. With cheating, you are left with no way of knowing what percent of your life was a lie. it removes your ability to make decisions, and seriously just rocks you to the core as you realize what a fool you’ve been. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/62 "2010-11-15T20:39:43Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > Wait a minute…you’re saying that it’s better to divorce someone and have sex with other people, then to just have sex with other people? Some people feel that potentially exposing your partner to STDs (you know, assuming he and his wife were having ANY sex) and violating your marriage vows, indicating that you are not to be trusted, is a Big Deal. I’m sure there are people who would rather cut their losses than be with someone they can’t trust not to cheat. > [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > In other words, common sense tells you that divorcing someone is WORSE than cheating on them! Why in the world should he consider that his first recourse?! For him, certainly cheating is better than divorce- he’s the cheater! His wife may feel differently. Not everyone would rather be cheated on than have a divorce, or sexual exclusivity would probably not be such a large part of most marriage vows. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/63 "2010-11-15T20:43:34Z")
Did _she_ want to have sex still, or was there a universal libido kill? ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/64 "2010-11-15T20:50:27Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > I disagree. Personally, if there were a problem in my marriage that my husband didn’t admit to, even if I “sensed” a problem to the point where the marriage was rocky, and he cheated rather than talking to me about it, and only admitted that it was a problem once the infidelity came to light, I’d consider that to be a betrayal similar in magnitude to cheating. Also, the marriage would be over, because I’d never feel like I could trust him to deal with problems like an adult. From the way the OP sounds, his needs weren’t being met, he never really talked about it, then he stepped out and we’re supposed to be sympathetic to his plight? Something’s wrong with his marriage down to the core, and they need to get themselves into counseling yesterday if they want to have a hope of fixing it. But you’ve got that wrong. More relevantly: If there were a problem in my marriage that my spouse didn’t admit to, even if I “sensed” a problem to the point where the marriage was rocky, and **I** cheated rather than talking to them about it… There’s a problem, and the person that’s not living in the problem goes for a long enough period of time without feeling fulfilled in the relationship…If the spouse were happy, healthy, well balanced, the other spouse probably wouldn’t _cheat_. One person isn’t fulfilled…and that’s causing the OTHER person to also feel unfulfilled. One doesn’t cause the other, but it opens the door. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/65 "2010-11-15T20:52:33Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > There’s two people at fault here. He’s LESS guilty than the court of public opinion is giving him here and she’s MORE guilty. There’s two people here and neither are completely innocent of the outcomes. Frankly, in these situations there is always more than enough blame to go around - so you really don’t need to bother assigning who gets what or how much. Once you get it all properly allocated, you discover more blame to pass out. Its never ending - so why bother. and tumbleddown, we have no idea how much intervention or encouragement or conversation they’ve had over the past several years before this happened. Its possible that he’s tried to encourage change, but she isn’t open to it. Or that she has promised change, but hasn’t followed through. Or its possible that they haven’t spoken about her weight gain at all, nor the lack of sex, and this is coming out of the blue for her. (ETA: Though frankly, 150lbs over 7 years and a change in the amount of sex seems to be like a huge elephant in the room - if no one is talking about it, it isn’t because people don’t know its there. There really isn’t much of an ‘out of the blue’ option, unless there is pretty significant mental illness on top of the weight gain.) ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/66 "2010-11-15T20:54:05Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > There’s a problem, and the person that’s not living in the problem goes for a long enough period of time without feeling fulfilled in the relationship…If the spouse were happy, healthy, well balanced, the other spouse probably wouldn’t _cheat_. But she can’t read his mind. For some people, that level of weight gain is simply not a deal breaker. She might not be that unhappy with the weight gain (or is apathetic about it). How is she supposed to know how unfullfilled he is or exactly what his problem is if he doesn’t tell her? If adults want the right to have their needs met in a relationship, they have the responsibility to make it known when they’re not. ---
**Author:** ![Truman\_Burbank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@Truman\_Burbank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truman_Burbank)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/67 "2010-11-15T20:58:32Z")
I would suggest you try thinking it in two (possibly different) ways: 1. Try to imagine the husband you hope your daughter ends up with. Then try to be that husband towards your wife. 2. We have a sampler hanging in our kitchen. It reads “In marriage, finding the right partner is not as important as being the right partner”. In other words, keep taking your own inventory. This is about _you_ in relationship. From my reading of your original post, it seems you were less than fully honest with your spouse about her weight almost from the beginning, and probably not very honest about other aspects as well? If you each don’t take responsbility for honestly reporting to your spouse where your head is at, and what you want, can you be surprised when you don’t get it? ---
**Author:** ![MyFootsZZZ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/myfootszzz/32/12580_2.png) [@MyFootsZZZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MyFootsZZZ)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/68 "2010-11-15T21:00:22Z")
> [@Lord\_Ashtar](#): > > Go see a marriage counselor. If not that, then a divorce lawyer. I agree with this. I don’t think it was right for him to cheat. If he doesn’t get what he wants in the relationship, or if she’s not doing her part to keep the relationship going… either get help, or get out. Cheating isn’t an option IMO. It’s over with now, he cheated, and I don’t think he’s a huge asshole for making that mistake. But yes, I think it was wrong. I also want to stress that we’re only going on one post explaining the situation. We don’t know the whole story, including his wife’s side. I’m curious as to what happened when he cheated. Was it something that just happened? What’s his relationship with the other woman? Did he talk to his wife about the problems he had with her? ---
**Author:** ![furt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/439d5e/32.png) [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/69 "2010-11-15T21:05:13Z")
> [@jtgain](#): > > Fast forward seven years and she has put on 150 pounds since then. I have absolutely no physical attraction to her anymore. I’m just wondering why you didn’t do something way before it reached this point. If either my wife or I put on 20 pounds, the other one would know something was out of whack and needed to be dealt with. Did you not at some point during those seven years bring up the weight gain? I can understand the issue – if my wife put on 150 pounds, I’d be hard pressed to stick with her (we have no kids); aside from the fact that it would likely end our sex life, it shows phenomenal disrespect for me and for our vows. But that’s precisely why I’d say something long before it got there. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/70 "2010-11-15T21:18:36Z")
I have no advice, just a data point. My sister lost 130 pounds through diet and exercise simply because of your average run-of-the-mill midlife crises. And immediately thereafter, has filed for divorce from her DH who cheated on _her_. So she will be losing another 300 or so in the near future. I say, divorce her because you didn’t really mean your vows. For better or for worse includes weight gain/weight loss. Would you cheat if she was in a terrible car accident and became a paraplegic? There’s no need to feel guilty or ashamed about that; just own up to it and set the woman free already. It’s not fair to her. You made a commitment to love her and be with her _no matter what_ and you are welshing on the deal. So let her go so she can find someone who will accept her for who she is. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/71 "2010-11-15T21:34:13Z")
Another thing to consider is that if she _does_ lose all that weight, her self confidence is going to skyrocket. And then she’ll file for divorce. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/72 "2010-11-15T21:35:20Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > Wait a minute…you’re saying that it’s better to divorce someone and have sex with other people, then to just have sex with other people? That makes no sense. Either way, the wife ends up hurt and the husband ends up in other people’s beds. The one way, the wife can find someone who loves her and doesn’t lie to her. The other way, she’s stuck with someone who doesn’t seem to love her and who lies. You’re welcome to tell your wife, “Honey, if you get unhappy with our marriage, just go have sex with other people. No need to tell me about it.” Other people get to have their own standards. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/73 "2010-11-15T22:02:32Z")
Speaking as someone who is moderately hypothryoid, I gained 25 pounds as freshman in college despite not eating much differently (over the summer I was diagnosed and then treated). Key signs of hypothryoidism are the need to sleep a lot and weight gain. But pretty much any doctor worth their salt will test a woman for hypothryoidism if she gains a bit of weight. I sympathize with the OP for his wife’s state. I don’t on the cheating part. Shoulda had therapy and then she have lap band and then you leave… ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/74 "2010-11-15T22:03:27Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > For him, certainly cheating is better than divorce- he’s the cheater! His wife may feel differently. Not everyone would rather be cheated on than have a divorce, or sexual exclusivity would probably not be such a large part of most marriage vows. We’re not advising the wife. We’re advising the cheater. > [@even\_sven](#): > > The problem with cheating is the lies and deception. Divorce hurts, but at least you know what is going on and can make plans from there. With cheating, you are left with no way of knowing what percent of your life was a lie. it removes your ability to make decisions, and seriously just rocks you to the core as you realize what a fool you’ve been. Unless there’s a confession. Then you know. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > The one way, the wife can find someone who loves her and doesn’t lie to her. The other way, she’s stuck with someone who doesn’t seem to love her and who lies. > > You’re welcome to tell your wife, “Honey, if you get unhappy with our marriage, just go have sex with other people. No need to tell me about it.” Other people get to have their own standards. Well I think you three have missed two important points. First, the husband still has a duty to confess his infidelity and try not to do it again. Second, it’s up to the wife to decide if she wants to stay. You’re all right- the wife might prefer to leave him than be with someone that’s cheated on her. That’s fine. But it’s on her to make that call. What other posters have suggested is that the cheater be the one to call off the marriage. That’s the part I have a problem with. If the guy cheats and confesses it, then there’s a chance that their marriage might survive. You can argue all you want about the likelihood of such an outcome but there’s still that chance. Let me give you a bad analogy: You’re batting in a baseball game and you just need to get to first base. But you hit an easy ground ball to the second baseman- what do you do? Do you stand there? No! You run it out. You’re in a bad spot but you try your damndest to get on base. You hope against all hope that something will happen that will get you there safe, like a bobbled catch or a bad throw. But the point is, if your mission is to get to first, then you can’t say “I’ll just give up” and walk back to the dugout. It’s the fielder’s job to get you out. You can’t just give yourself up. You’re in a marriage and you just need to get through a rough spot. But you cheat- what do you do? Do you get a divorce? No! You’re in a bad spot but you try your damnedest to keep the marriage together. You hope against all hope that something will happen that will keep you two married, like her mercy or some counceling. But the point is, if your mission is to keep your marriage intact, then you can’t say “I’ll just give up” and get a divorce. It’s on the wife to get a divorce. You can’t just give up yourself. Does that make better sense? ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/75 "2010-11-15T22:11:34Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > But the point is, if your mission is to keep your marriage intact, then you can’t say “I’ll just give up” and get a divorce. It’s on the wife to get a divorce. You can’t just give up yourself. > Does that make better sense? Kind of. But “just giving up yourself” is a much better option than spending another 10 years with a spouse who doesn’t trust you, watching someone you love try and fail to lose weight in order to make herself acceptable to you, with both of you resenting each other more all the time, you because you still don’t find her attractive and her because she can’t seem to change for you. Oh, and you may or may not cheat along the way. All the while, your marriage was so borked by your mutual inability to talk about solutions to your problems that putting the relationship out of its misery and moving on would be a kindness to you both. If the OP is looking for what’s best for both of them, divorce is not always the worst option. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/76 "2010-11-15T22:13:23Z")
**Chessic** , the problem I’m seeing is that cheating is such a lie, such a huge deception, such a breach of trust that many can’t imagine reconciling after cheating. There is absolutely no guarantee s/he wouldn’t do it again. It’s about self-respect too (which, arguably, the OP’s wife is past) - how can you respect yourself if you agree to stay married to a cheater? That said, I see a lotta people who don’t try to piece their marriages back together that could. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/77 "2010-11-15T22:50:59Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > To those that think he’s scum for cheating, consider yourself lucky you’ve never been in his shoes. It’s not as cut-n-dried as you’d think. Aww, poor little cheater! His life is so _hard_! You know what? I’ve heard this crap before, “It wasn’t easy for me”, “You don’t know how hard it was”, etc. Boo fucking hoo. If it was that damn hard, he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. You know how many times I’ve ever cheated on anybody? Zero. You know how many times I’ve sat someone down and been like "Hey, I am unhappy for these reasons… " and then either fixed my shit or left it? Many, many times. He could and should have used the time he spent fucking other people to have a grown up conversation with his wife and then none of us would be here right now. I also refuse to blame her for his infidelity. For the marriage falling apart, yes. Because he can’t keep it in his pants, no. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/78 "2010-11-15T23:39:17Z")
I don’t think anybody’s blaming her for his infidelity, but saying that she probably bears some of the responsibility for the marriage failing. Nobody’s blamed anybody but him for cheating. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/79 "2010-11-16T00:03:31Z")
Dude, she needs to see a divorce lawyer and kick your sorry ass to the curb. You cheated on her after making her a promise that you wouldn’t - you know, the “forsaking all others” part of the vows. Remember them? You did it once. If she takes you back, shame on her because you’ll probably do it again even if she does take the weight back off. ---
**Author:** ![manila](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e5b9ba/32.png) [@manila](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manila)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2010, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526/80 "2010-11-16T00:26:18Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Dude, she needs to see a divorce lawyer and kick your sorry ass to the curb. You cheated on her after making her a promise that you wouldn’t - you know, the “forsaking all others” part of the vows. Remember them? > > You did it once. If she takes you back, shame on her because you’ll probably do it again even if she does take the weight back off. Seems to me she’s been cheating on him with the contents of the refrigerator for years. She’s put on almost 70 kilo!!! Pretty soon her daughter is going to be embarrassed to bring her friends around as well. What sort of a role model is she for her daughter? And its going to take a long time to take that weight off even with commitment. The OP needs to ask himself if he wants to put his sex life on hold for the amount of time it will take. She hasn’t shown much resolve over the past seven years. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marriage-problem-need-advice/560526.md?page=5)