# Married couples/long-term partners: how to overlook those little flaws that drive you nuts? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 6, 2012, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210 "2012-12-06T18:37:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/41 "2012-12-06T23:06:08Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Wait, does he do it at home, or out in public? Lick your plate all you want at home, is my rule. Out at a restaurant, not so much. I got him to stop doing it at restaurants. I’ll consider that a victory. [QUOTE=Ana] Mine is a horrible, horrible backseat driver (well, passenger seat). Every time we drive it’s a whole slew of comments: “Watch out. Slow down. It’s green. Watch out for that guy. Look out. Put on your turn signal.” [/QUOTE] _raises hand sheepishly_ He figured out a great way to shut that one down. “Would _you_ like to drive?” Meanwhile I reassure myself by reminding myself that he’s never been in an accident as long as I’ve known him. He’s driven alone without me, somehow, so possibly, we’ll survive. ---
**Author:** ![ASanders](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asanders/32/3367_2.png) [@ASanders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ASanders)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/42 "2012-12-06T23:13:21Z")
Going on 18 years here, and I find that the annoyance level WRT the little things my husband does depends to a huge extent on MY mood. None of his habits have been deal-breakers in the past, so if I find myself suddenly super-irritated by something I know the problem is mine, not his. I take a moment, remember that I signed on for life, and whatever is bugging me at the moment is part of the whole package, for better or worse. I take a deep breath and count my lucky stars that he’s there for me, one more day. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/43 "2012-12-06T23:22:28Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > 25 years married. What flaws? She puts up with my shit, how can I say anthing against her? First and best. There are _scores_ of little things that my wife does that would be completely intolerable if I didn’t consciously remind myself of my own equally intolerable qualities. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/44 "2012-12-06T23:31:35Z")
**Dr Fidelius** wins the thread. Almost verbatim what I was going to say. 17 years married and happy as hell. Oh, heck, I can’t just ditto without being more verbal. When you get annoyed, you just think of all the reasons why your partner/spouse makes you so happy, and soon enough, you find that you don’t really feel RIGHT being annoyed, because he/she is so good to you. ---
**Author:** ![Fool\_in\_the\_Rain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8491ac/32.png) [@Fool\_in\_the\_Rain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fool_in_the_Rain)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/45 "2012-12-06T23:43:35Z")
It is what it is. If it’s trivial and harmless, why bother getting worked up over it? Who is suffering more by getting upset over it, you or the person with the trivial flaws? Now you’re upset, and then soon get steamed as you notice more flaws, and eventually lose focus on “hey, this person is all right in the important stuff I like and want.” You begin to notice the splotch being rubbed, the crooked part in the hair, using the salad fork for dinner, the odd way the bread is buttered, the nervous eye movement as realization dawns that you’re upset over something, don’t know what to say about it, wonders if something was said or done wrong, soon becoming oblivious to you, as inner thoughts begin to roil on both sides, and eventually the relationship is in a tailspin, all hell breaks lose, the sky darkens, the aliens invade, and the world comes to an… oh sorry. Don’t sweat the small stuff, focus on the big stuff, the stuff really important to you - that’s the real measurement of a person. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/46 "2012-12-06T23:48:48Z")
> [@cmkeller](#): > > When you get annoyed, you just think of all the reasons why your partner/spouse makes you so happy, and soon enough, you find that you don’t really feel RIGHT being annoyed, because he/she is so good to you. Thank you! I guess this is the key point, and I’ll have to take it on faith. Of the people I’ve dated in the past, I was never convinced I wanted to date any of them forever (much less get married). This is… differenty. I’m hopeful it will prove to be a non-issue. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/47 "2012-12-07T01:33:47Z")
I think everyone gets a few irrational things that bug them. You just have to phrase it that way: “I know I’m being silly but that just drives me crazy, so would you mind not doing it?” Obviously this doesn’t work for everything, but for minor idiosyncrasies it’s okay. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/48 "2012-12-07T01:44:43Z")
> [@ASanders](#): > > Going on 18 years here, and I find that the annoyance level WRT the little things my husband does depends to a huge extent on MY mood. None of his habits have been deal-breakers in the past, so if I find myself suddenly super-irritated by something I know the problem is mine, not his. I take a moment, remember that I signed on for life, and whatever is bugging me at the moment is part of the whole package, for better or worse. I take a deep breath and count my lucky stars that he’s there for me, one more day. That reminds me of a thread we had here last summer, I think it was - “Why does my husband get so irritating for a couple of days every month?” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![sunstone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunstone/32/3372_2.png) [@sunstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunstone)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/49 "2012-12-07T02:18:55Z")
My wife and I have been together for 52 years - married for the last 48. From the beginning, I was aware that she wasn’t perfect (and neither was/am I), but she was so right in the areas that were really important. I suppose being realistic is part of it, and that works for us. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/50 "2012-12-07T02:41:25Z")
My husband has some habits that aren’t only annoying, they’re outright baffling to me. We’re actually complete opposites of one another. But, I just live with the stuff that bothers me and we usually joke around with each other about the rest. A good example is the noise my husband makes without realizing it. These noises used to drive me absolutely nuts. My husband thought I was crazy. Until we saw [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kjl1-UW4sYU). He took one look, looked back at me and yelled, “DAMMIT! I make dad noises!! Help me stop!” Now when he starts making his dad noises, I call him Peter. ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/51 "2012-12-07T02:46:22Z")
Well my wife and I bought a second house, which she lives in. The little annoying traits are a lot easier to take when I almost never have to see them. YMMV ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/52 "2012-12-07T02:47:11Z")
I’m not in a relationship, but this thread is about what Dan Savage calls “[the price of admission](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1tCAXVsClw).” He even mentions the chewing with the mouth open thing at the beginning of the video. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 9:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/53 "2012-12-07T09:33:44Z")
We all have aggravating traits. I don’t let trivial inconsequential stuff bother me too much. If I like my partner’s personality and character overall, I let the little stuff go. The big picture is my focus. That is not to say that I don’t find certain traits aggravating. I have learned to grind my teeth very inconspicuously and shake things off. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/54 "2012-12-07T10:39:27Z")
> [@ASanders](#): > > Going on 18 years here, and I find that the annoyance level WRT the little things my husband does depends to a huge extent on MY mood. None of his habits have been deal-breakers in the past, so if I find myself suddenly super-irritated by something I know the problem is mine, not his. I take a moment, remember that I signed on for life, and whatever is bugging me at the moment is part of the whole package, for better or worse. I take a deep breath and count my lucky stars that he’s there for me, one more day. > [@Blackberry](#): > > I think everyone gets a few irrational things that bug them. You just have to phrase it that way: “I know I’m being silly but that just drives me crazy, so would you mind not doing it?” Obviously this doesn’t work for everything, but for minor idiosyncrasies it’s okay. I think there is a really important point here. For me, the issue is recognizing that it’s not “I do this the right way, he does it the wrong way, God, that’s annoying” but “He does this one way, I do it another, and I am irrationally irritated by his way”. It’s not a matter of being magnanimous enough to overlook their flaws: that kind of attitude sows the seeds of contempt and leads nowhere good. People get emotionally attached to their way as being “right” and see someone doing something differently as a reproach. But there’s a million ways to skin a cat. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/55 "2012-12-07T11:37:25Z")
> [@ASanders](#): > > Going on 18 years here, and I find that the annoyance level WRT the little things my husband does depends to a huge extent on MY mood. None of his habits have been deal-breakers in the past, so if I find myself suddenly super-irritated by something I know the problem is mine, not his. I take a moment, remember that I signed on for life, and whatever is bugging me at the moment is part of the whole package, for better or worse. I take a deep breath and count my lucky stars that he’s there for me, one more day. I know a few others have quoted this already, but am quoting it again as it’s just so darned good! ---
**Author:** ![StuffLikeThatThere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@StuffLikeThatThere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StuffLikeThatThere)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/56 "2012-12-07T12:06:11Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I think there is a really important point here. For me, the issue is recognizing that it’s not “I do this the right way, he does it the wrong way, God, that’s annoying” but “He does this one way, I do it another, and I am irrationally irritated by his way”. It’s not a matter of being magnanimous enough to overlook their flaws: that kind of attitude sows the seeds of contempt and leads nowhere good. People get emotionally attached to their way as being “right” and see someone doing something differently as a reproach. But there’s a million ways to skin a cat. I do think that’s a very important point. I’ve been married for ten years to a man who doesn’t find neatness important. I do - clutter makes me crazy. It’s almost like visual noise. Sometimes it gets so “loud” I feel like I can’t think. He doesn’t even see it. You can see how this is an issue. But it’s important to see, as noted, that this doesn’t make him evil and and me morally superior. Or vice versa. So we’ve both learned some coping skills. He does some things toward neatness because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I ignore some cluttery things because I love him and want him to be happy. We try to figure out the most important ones and address those. We compromise when we can. I can stand a pile of stuff better if it is contained, so we have baskets of various sizes in strategic locations that contain piles of stuff. When one gets full, he sifts through and throws out most of it and starts again. I find this baffling, but it works better for him than just throwing the stuff out in the first place. Okay. As long as it’s contained, I can live with it. He finds my insistence on stuff containment baffling but humors me. Peace (mostly) reigns. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/57 "2012-12-07T12:43:22Z")
I think in our 11 years we have found a good balance. Here is some stuff I try to do: - If he mentions something that bugs him, I apologise and try not to do it again (if that is remotely reasonable). I actually learned that from him, which I think is really cool. Just say “I’m sorry! I make up for being a [slob, idiot, good-for-nothing, nag, blue meanie] with my hot body, right?” - When something bugs me I sigh and let it slide. I wipe it down, put it away, hang it up, do it properly and get over it. It’s not a big deal. - If it’s totally unacceptable I say it. First with a joke, if he doesn’t get the hint I say it seriously. If he doesn’t want to change it I realise it is not a dealbreaker, so I’ll just have to learn to live with it. - About once a month we have a massive fight, we throw stuff at each other and scream. Gets everything out in the open and clears the air. Then we’re good to go for a while. YMMV. - I think the big, important, scary stuff is quite enough to handle. We have no money. Let’s talk about that if we’re talking about problems. I can handle that he picks his nose: I love him. - Laugh. Tell someone else, but tell it like it’s endearing. It will magically make it endearing. I tell people about the time we nearly broke up because after being in a relationship for about 9 years he didn’t know where we keep the wet wipes and didn’t know how to open the packet. It’s become an endearing story. He does stuff that annoys me. But it’s nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to what he puts up with. He loves me. I can’t believe my luck. He is the most amazing person I can imagine, some nose picking is pretty ok in the package deal I get with him. 🙂 In the end that’s probably all there is to it: you end up with either + or -. Add it all up, subtract the annoying stuff. Do you end up with someone who is amazing? Then shut up and thank your lucky stars! ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/58 "2012-12-07T13:07:17Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > or holding his fork wrong. If you believe there is a right and wrong way to hold a fork, and the wrong way is bothersome, maybe considering a monastic lifestyle would be appropriate.😛 ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/59 "2012-12-07T13:46:34Z")
> [@StuffLikeThatThere](#): > > I do think that’s a very important point. I’ve been married for ten years to a man who doesn’t find neatness important. I do - clutter makes me crazy. It’s almost like visual noise. Sometimes it gets so “loud” I feel like I can’t think. He doesn’t even see it. > > You can see how this is an issue. But it’s important to see, as noted, that this doesn’t make him evil and and me morally superior. Or vice versa. > > So we’ve both learned some coping skills. He does some things toward neatness because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I ignore some cluttery things because I love him and want him to be happy. We try to figure out the most important ones and address those. > > We compromise when we can. I can stand a pile of stuff better if it is contained, so we have baskets of various sizes in strategic locations that contain piles of stuff. When one gets full, he sifts through and throws out most of it and starts again. I find this baffling, but it works better for him than just throwing the stuff out in the first place. Okay. As long as it’s contained, I can live with it. He finds my insistence on stuff containment baffling but humors me. Peace (mostly) reigns. Nice combination of post and username. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2012, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210/60 "2012-12-07T13:58:41Z")
> [@StuffLikeThatThere](#): > > I do think that’s a very important point. I’ve been married for ten years to a man who doesn’t find neatness important. I do - clutter makes me crazy. It’s almost like visual noise. Sometimes it gets so “loud” I feel like I can’t think. He doesn’t even see it. > > You can see how this is an issue. But it’s important to see, as noted, that this doesn’t make him evil and and me morally superior. Or vice versa. > > So we’ve both learned some coping skills. He does some things toward neatness because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I ignore some cluttery things because I love him and want him to be happy. We try to figure out the most important ones and address those. > > We compromise when we can. I can stand a pile of stuff better if it is contained, so we have baskets of various sizes in strategic locations that contain piles of stuff. When one gets full, he sifts through and throws out most of it and starts again. I find this baffling, but it works better for him than just throwing the stuff out in the first place. Okay. As long as it’s contained, I can live with it. He finds my insistence on stuff containment baffling but humors me. Peace (mostly) reigns. Exactly. For us, I think it’s efficiency. I really, really value efficiency. Deep down inside, I think the fact that I can make it through an entire grocery store in half the time he takes means that I am doing it right and he is doing it wrong. I’m a good person because I come up with good systems to go fast, fast, fast. I’ve really had to get over that, to make myself realize that he’s a brilliant man. If he _wanted_ to shop (or whatever) more efficiently, he would. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s not a statement of character. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-couples-long-term-partners-how-to-overlook-those-little-flaws-that-drive-you-nuts/643210.md?page=4)