# Married Dopers: if your partner suggested a three-way, would you be worried? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 2, 2011, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482 "2011-05-02T15:57:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/1 "2011-05-02T15:57:03Z")
For purposes of this poll, _married_ means _involved in a long-term, monogamous, cohabiting relationship, regardless of sexual orientation or legal status_. Also assume that your spouse has a specific third party in mind and that that person is someone you find hot. In other words, if you deem yourself a 100% straight male, your spouse is suggesting you two share a bed with a woman you would ordinarily have to consciously prevent yourself from leering at in her presence, and the converse if you’re a 100% straight woman. Gay males, lesbians, and bis are likewise being asked to invite a person they find attractive. Irrespective of your sexual orientation/preference, the situation you’re being asked to imagine is this: your spouse suggests that you two spice up your lovemaking on a single occasion by inviting a hot friend of his or hers into your bed. The spouse says s/he believes that the person is willing because that person is known to find you both attractive and to like three-ways, but the spouse adds that s/he does not yet know absolutely, because s/he wanted to broach the subject with you before bringing issuing any invitations to the other person. What’s your most likely reaction? And, no, I’m not including an option for never-married persons in the poll. Y’all can comment in the thread. The options will be private for reasons left as an exercise for the class. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/2 "2011-05-02T16:10:48Z")
Having just voted that I’d definitely decline and definitely be worried, I realize that I left out at least one potential option: being excited but most likely declining. Ah well. Male, 40s. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/3 "2011-05-02T16:19:41Z")
I’d definitely decline and refuse because it would be so completely out of character for her. I’d have to start looking under the bed and in the trash for the remains of pods, or something. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/4 "2011-05-02T16:20:50Z")
I’d definitely decline, and I’d definitely be worried. Since my wife has absolutely zero sexual interest in other women, her interest in opening up our marriage sexually is zero as well, and both of these tendencies are of extremely long standing, any sudden interest she expressed in bringing another woman into our bed would be evidence of a complete personality change. I’d be far too worried about what was going on with her to even be thinking about the 3-way. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/5 "2011-05-02T16:32:00Z")
To be honest, I would be both excited and very worried at the same time. This is hypothetical, as I am single right now. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/6 "2011-05-02T16:32:47Z")
Decline and be worried and here’s why. Personally, and anecdotally, I have never seen this “work out” for any couple I have known or been in acquaintance with. One partner always wants to do it more than the other and time and again this is proven without a shadow of doubt to hurt one or both involved. I’ve seen couples try the swinging thing too and that always ends in someone getting hurt. Just because you have two consenting adults doesn’t mean no one will get hurt. ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/7 "2011-05-02T16:47:46Z")
This would be so completely out of character for my husband that I’d absolutely be worried. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/8 "2011-05-02T16:49:47Z")
Can’t possibly answer with a generic response. Depends on who, depends on why, depends on the rules of engagement my partner is proposing and whether, if they don’t align with what I’m comfortable with, s/he’s willing to negotiate something mutually agreeable. I wouldn’t be comfortable with sexual contact with another guy not my partner. I wouldn’t be comfortable with him having sexual contact with another girl. A two-on-one arrangement I’d consider, assuming (back to the “who”) we could trust the proposed third party to play by the rules (I’d therefore have to know this third party really well). So, me and a guy on my BF, okay; BF and girl on me, okay; other arrangements, no. If my partner happens to be female, switch the sexes around as appropriate. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/9 "2011-05-02T16:52:37Z")
I would be astounded. It would be so out of character for my wife to suggest it, that I wouldn’t know how to react. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/10 "2011-05-02T17:03:09Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > I would be astounded. It would be so out of character for my wife to suggest it, that I wouldn’t know how to react. I’m a little surprised that so many people agree with me on this. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/11 "2011-05-02T17:03:16Z")
My fictional lover is making this request all the time. Nothing new. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/12 "2011-05-02T17:07:52Z")
Another person who would be excited and really worried; I’d seriously look for pods, too. It would be so out of left field for my SO. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/13 "2011-05-02T17:24:06Z")
Supposing I was married, my answer would change depending on whether the third participant is Ellen Page or Steve Buscemi. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/14 "2011-05-02T17:29:39Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > Supposing I was married, my answer would change depending on whether the third participant is Ellen Page or Steve Buscemi. The OP specifically states that the person being suggested is someone you find attractive for his or her own sake. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/15 "2011-05-02T17:55:19Z")
Decline. Brief black out period of uncontrolled rage (we discussed this scenario before marriage, spouse knows how strong my feelings of repulsion are on this subject). Call 911 for spouse because of whatever I did to him during the brief period of uncontrolled rage. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/16 "2011-05-02T18:02:35Z")
Once again, _[the Family Circus](http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/5408/097qz.jpg)_ has already covered this topic ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/17 "2011-05-02T18:17:03Z")
I always thought the rule of thumb was the person who suggests the threeway has to let the other person pick the third party (subject to a veto). That way it’s not just a sneaky attempt for them to have an affair. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/18 "2011-05-02T18:20:17Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > I always thought the rule of thumb was the person who suggests the threeway has to let the other person pick the third party (subject to a veto). That way it’s not just a sneaky attempt for them to have an affair. I don’t think there’s a rule of thumb when it comes to these things. But I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the notion of a married couple either. Well, I should say a married couple I’m a part of, anyone. I’m not the boss of other people. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/19 "2011-05-02T18:21:30Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Decline. Brief black out period of uncontrolled rage **(we discussed this scenario before marriage, spouse knows how strong my feelings of repulsion are on this subject)**. Call 911 for spouse because of whatever I did to him during the brief period of uncontrolled rage. The emphasized logic – not the _violence_ – portion of this answer applies to me. My soon-to-be-spouse is well aware of how my last marriage ended and my lack of desire to have anyone else involved in the intimate part of our marriage. As well, I know her to be at least equally opposed to the idea. So I’d be extremely worried that either she had changed so much, or the circumstances of our relationship had changed so much, that she’d even think to broach the subject. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/20 "2011-05-02T18:21:54Z")
Decline, and be worried. Wife’s never indicated any need to spice things up before now, and skews very monogamous [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482.md?page=2)