# Married Dopers: if your partner suggested a three-way, would you be worried? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 2, 2011, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482 "2011-05-02T15:57:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/21 "2011-05-02T18:24:37Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Decline. Brief black out period of uncontrolled rage (we discussed this scenario before marriage, spouse knows how strong my feelings of repulsion are on this subject). Call 911 for spouse because of whatever I did to him during the brief period of uncontrolled rage. You know, if I had suggested I’d injure, or even hit, my wife for suggesting a three-way, people would rightly call me a fuckwit. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/22 "2011-05-02T18:34:59Z")
Actually my first wife did suggest a threesome with a guy I regarded as my best friend. I agreed but not because I harbored a secret lust for him. He and my wife were enormously attracted to each other and I figured it was just a matter of time before they got together; I thought it was inevitable and I was sure they would both feel a lot of guilt for cheating on me. What neither of them believed was that I simply didn’t care at that stage of my life-----I sort of leaned towards free love at the time. I was just more of an interested party although I did participate with her but not him. It was an interesting experience. ---
**Author:** ![flickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7bcc69/32.png) [@flickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flickster)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/23 "2011-05-02T18:42:28Z")
Answering based on how I would have reacted 25-30 years ago, rather than with current physical conditions and limitations. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/24 "2011-05-02T18:45:21Z")
I’d jump at the chance, and I would not be worried. My wife is very conservative, and this would be out of character, but I love her very much and would do _anything_ to make her happy. Even if that meant a night of crazy monkey-sex with her and her hot, hot friend Lisa (who I slept with in college anyways). ---
**Author:** ![legalsnugs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@legalsnugs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/legalsnugs)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/25 "2011-05-02T18:49:25Z")
> [@Renee](#): > > This would be so completely out of character for my husband that I’d absolutely be worried. I agree. I’d have him checked immediately for a brain tumor, so yes, I’d be worried, but about a brain tumor, not his sexuality. ---
**Author:** ![carlotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@carlotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlotta)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/26 "2011-05-02T19:58:18Z")
I’d decline, but I’d only be _slightly_ worried, not _definitely_ worried. The idea of three way just doesn’t appeal. I wouldn’t know what to do with a whole extra person. It sounds like too much work. I did say in an earlier polygamy thread that I might go for a second husband (NO EXTRA WIVES THOUGH), but was definitely a switch-rooms-every-other-night scenario. It’s not exactly that it’d be out of character for my husband, just that he’s already done the thought experiment and realized that it is rare for these things to end well. Funny though, I immediately and without meaning to picked out two candidates for the third. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/27 "2011-05-02T20:20:58Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I don’t think there’s a rule of thumb when it comes to these things. But I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the notion of a married couple either. > > Well, I should say a married couple I’m a part of, anyone. I’m not the boss of other people. There’s a difference between: “Hey, honey, are you interested in having a threesome? I think it would spice up our marriage. If you are, then do you know anyone who might be interested?” and “Hey, honey, are you interested in having a threesome? I think it would spice up our marriage. If you are, then I think we should ask Mary, this cute secretary who works at my office.” In the first scenario, it sounds like your primary interest is having a threesome with your partner with the identity of the third party being an afterthought. In the second scenario, it sounds like your primary interest is having sex with Mary with your partner’s participation being an afterthought. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/28 "2011-05-02T20:26:35Z")
_I’d be excited by the option and probably, but not certainly, do it._ Not certainly because we’d have to have A Talk about why he wanted to. I’m poly, he’s not (although he did do some swinging back in the 70s), and I’d want to be certain he wasn’t doing this because he thinks he’s inadequate for me. We’ve actually had this conversation, several times. I’m open (heh) to the possibility, but for me sex needs to arise organically from a personal connection. I’d be uncomfortable meeting a stranger, or even a friend, just for sex. Now, if we had A Talk about the possibility and the motives were cool (wanting to share something, rather than thinking I’m unhappy in our bed), then had said friend over for dinner and a movie and things got interesting, I’d do it. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/29 "2011-05-02T20:35:58Z")
_“I’d be excited by the option and probably, but not certainly, do it.”_ I _almost_ went with “definitely jump at it,” but figured it’d be prudent to make sure she wasn’t just kidding around and then got bent out of shape that I really wanted to do it. So after a few careful rounds of “Are you sure this is _really_ what you want, honey?” it’d be game on. My wife’s pretty open about telling me what she wants sexually, and she does like girl-girl porn, so it wouldn’t be completely out of left field… just slightly out of character. I think I could live with that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/30 "2011-05-02T20:45:25Z")
Same as **CalMeacham** , **RTFirefly** , and **Renee**. _WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY SPOUSE???_ ---
**Author:** ![Nadir](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nadir/32/7302_2.png) [@Nadir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nadir)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/31 "2011-05-02T20:53:15Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > I always thought the rule of thumb was the person who suggests the threeway has to let the other person pick the third party (subject to a veto). That way it’s not just a sneaky attempt for them to have an affair. Yeah, because depending whether the partner was going bi or straight with proposed 3rd party makes my response a bit variable. So my “reaction not covered above” could potentially involve acting interested but non-committal for the purpose of eliciting clues to support the trap I might set, with preparations possibly including things like scheduling, facilities, equipment and supplies to be used for disposal of the bodies. If you’re gonna go pre-meditated, you might as well do it right! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/32 "2011-05-02T20:59:41Z")
My wife and I used to joke about 3 ways. Then she found a willing woman and brought her over. We were both amazed how drama free and fun the whole thing was. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/33 "2011-05-02T21:03:55Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Having just voted that I’d definitely decline and definitely be worried, I realize that I left out at least one potential option: being excited but most likely declining. Ah well. > > Male, 40s. Didn’t you post that you and your wife divorced, though? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/34 "2011-05-02T21:10:21Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Didn’t you post that you and your wife divorced, though? Nope. We separated, by which I meant she left me. I posted about because I was feeling sorry for myself. We went through counseling & reconciled. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/35 "2011-05-02T21:14:42Z")
I’ve known several gay and lesbian couples who admit (sometimes after a few drinks, sometimes just in conversation) to having done three ways. It satisfies the need for new flesh while maintaining trust. It doesn’t seem to be looked on as adultery exactly- more the way you’d look upon spicing it up with a sex toy. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/36 "2011-05-02T21:29:53Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Decline. Brief black out period of uncontrolled rage (we discussed this scenario before marriage, spouse knows how strong my feelings of repulsion are on this subject). Call 911 for spouse because of whatever I did to him during the brief period of uncontrolled rage. Yeah, that’s kinda irrational/insane. Unless I’ve been wooshed. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/37 "2011-05-02T21:33:07Z")
I’d love to have a threesome with two women i am completely unattached with. If i am in a relationship any suggestion of sex with another person would have strong negative reactions. ---
**Author:** ![Soliloquy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@Soliloquy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soliloquy)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/38 "2011-05-02T21:48:17Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > My soon-to-be-spouse is well aware of how my last marriage ended and my lack of desire to have anyone else involved in the intimate part of our marriage. As well, I know her to be at least equally opposed to the idea. So I’d be extremely worried that either she had changed so much, or the circumstances of our relationship had changed so much, that she’d even think to broach the subject. This. My ex-husband seemed to think the best thing about being married to me was that I could be his ticket to getting laid by other women. He was constantly trying to get me to convince my friends to sleep with us. It got to the point where I firmly believed I just wasn’t attractive/talented/woman enough for him. My current beau is well aware that I need to be somebody’s one-and-only. As his ex treated him in much the same way, we have a solid understanding on the subject, and are content in our possessiveness of each other. ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/39 "2011-05-02T21:59:52Z")
I would grab the yellow pages, flip to the L or A section and hand it to him. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2011, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/40 "2011-05-02T22:03:50Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > I would grab the yellow pages, flip to the L or A section and hand it to him. 😕 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482.md?page=3)