# Married Dopers: if your partner suggested a three-way, would you be worried? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 2, 2011, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482 "2011-05-02T15:57:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/61 "2011-05-04T16:49:30Z")
I would take up Mrs M like a shot, and we would flit lightly from the house, pausing only while I barked my shins on the solid gold meteorite on the doorstep, climb into my vintage Rolls-Royce and drive down to the harbour. We would then consummate our passionate MFF threeway aboard my private flying-boat while it was scudding down to Monaco on auto-pilot. …Ridiculous you say? _You_ started it. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/62 "2011-05-04T17:03:26Z")
For my husband (a horndog, yes, but as straightlaced as it gets when it comes to sex) to suggest that would worry me that he had a brain tumor or something. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/63 "2011-05-05T10:19:31Z")
What, you mean, use the _other_ hand? :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/64 "2011-05-05T11:12:56Z")
> [@Otara](#): > > Given Ive seen the threesome thing happen with the person leaving the original partner for the other guy, I think some concern is warranted. > > He thought it would help it get it out of their system. He wuz wrong. > > Otara I’ve also seen this. Now I assume that the marriage was collapsing anyway, and this was a symptom, not a cause, but it was ugly. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/65 "2011-05-05T12:48:30Z")
It’s a situation that would viscerally appeal to me, but intellectually and in other ways scare me shitless (thus I would decline) ---
**Author:** ![KennerTheGreat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a8b319/32.png) [@KennerTheGreat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KennerTheGreat)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/66 "2011-05-05T13:11:18Z")
> [@PandaBear77](#): > > For my husband (a horndog, yes, but as straightlaced as it gets when it comes to sex) to suggest that would worry me that he had a brain tumor or something. The same for my wife. ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/67 "2011-05-05T14:13:30Z")
My wife and I are working to re-establish our relationship after some infidelity (emotional, not physical though not for lack of trying on her part) and this subject is one that has actually come up. In the past, she has stated as being severly against it. I wasn’t, in the past, but I would be now. It would mean that something is still very wrong with our marriage, and that things are not working they way they are supposed to. That being said, discussing it in the abstract is fun, but just that. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/68 "2011-05-05T14:48:29Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Decline. Brief black out period of uncontrolled rage (we discussed this scenario before marriage, spouse knows how strong my feelings of repulsion are on this subject). Call 911 for spouse because of whatever I did to him during the brief period of uncontrolled rage. You sound like you’ve got a really healthy relationship there. What happens if someone suggests some good old-fashioned buttsex? ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/69 "2011-05-05T14:56:33Z")
> [@Tristan](#): > > My wife and I are working to re-establish our relationship after some infidelity (emotional, not physical though not for lack of trying on her part) and this subject is one that has actually come up. > > In the past, she has stated as being severly against it. I wasn’t, in the past, but I would be now. It would mean that something is still very wrong with our marriage, and that things are not working they way they are supposed to. > > That being said, discussing it in the abstract is fun, but just that. This is actually pretty close to my experience, 6 months after having the conversation. It sounds GREAT, I’d LOVE to do it _if_ everything worked out right. The big problem with it is: You may be on-board, Your wife may be on-board…but what about that third person? You have to have an awful lot of trust (or firewalls/anonymity) for it to work out okay. And there are a lot of places for things to go badly. On a risk/reward calculation, there’s a lot of risk for very little reward. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/70 "2011-05-05T14:59:03Z")
I’m in the camp for whom such a request would be so alarmingly out of character that it would be distressing, not intriguing. I’d just want to get her to a doctor. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/71 "2011-05-05T15:21:59Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I’m in the camp for whom such a request would be so alarmingly out of character that it would be distressing, not intriguing. I’d just want to get her to a doctor. It’s a little disturbing when I agree with you, Dio. Quick, say something nice about football so the status can remain quo. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/72 "2011-05-05T15:51:11Z")
I’d be totally into it, but I doubt my husband would ever suggest it. If I suggested it, he might go for it, though. ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/73 "2011-05-05T22:16:49Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > I’d be totally into it, but I doubt my husband would ever suggest it. If I suggested it, he might go for it, though. Assuming you and Mr. Whatsit are both hetero, am I correct to read that you’d be totally into a hot man as #3, while the Mr. might go for it if you suggested a hot woman? And include me among those who find the question impossible/unanswerable. While there is a threshold of hotness that might tempt me (a high threshold given the risks of excitement even with proper dosage of beta-blocker), if my wife actually made such an offer I’d rush her to hospital for psychiatric evaluation. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/74 "2011-05-06T01:07:54Z")
Meh. We’ve done it before so I’d likely do it again. It’s just sex. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/75 "2011-05-06T01:14:41Z")
Pff. “Just sex.” Sex is the best. To answer **septimus** ’s question, I’d happily go either way. Mr. W I suspect would prefer a hot girl, but would probably be willing to indulge me if I found some hot guy and was interested. Although I am pretty sure there would be no dude-dude action in that case. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/76 "2011-05-06T01:20:28Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > Pff. “Just sex.” Sex is the best. > > To answer **septimus** ’s question, I’d happily go either way. Mr. W I suspect would prefer a hot girl, but would probably be willing to indulge me if I found some hot guy and was interested. Although I am pretty sure there would be no dude-dude action in that case. I meant that in a “why would I get all worked up and worried about it” way. ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/77 "2011-05-06T02:08:07Z")
Well, I got nobody, so’s here’s my hypothetical. If my husband suggested a 3-way, with me and another woman, I’d be mightily pissed off. But if as according to the OP scenario, he wanted to bring some guy I consider hot into our bed, I’d be all WTF??? I don’t know if I’d be pissed off exactly, but I sure as hell wouldn’t know what was going on inside his reptile brain. If I find another guy hot, shouldn’t he be a little jealous of him? Not want him around? Maybe daydream about punching him? I sure as hell wouldn’t expect him to arrange a tryst for us, and then try to get in on it. I’d worry about him maybe killing us after “catching us in the act.” ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/78 "2011-05-06T02:47:59Z")
My answer was “not covered by the above” If I was married and my husband suggested such a thing I’d tell him that unless he went with me for marriage counseling I’d divorce him. Suggesting that I break my vows would be a deal breaker. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/79 "2011-05-06T02:49:27Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > I meant that in a “why would I get all worked up and worried about it” way. I gotcha. Personally I am very WTF about many of the responses I have seen in this thread, but then, I’m sure other people feel that way about me, and as long as none of those people are married to me, we’re all good. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/80 "2011-05-06T09:12:39Z")
I’m not married, but my friend in a 6+ year relationship attempted this to “spice up their sex life”. It went horribly, haha I also know a handful of swingers who have threesomes and am in an open relationship myself. For anyone wondering about the psychology behind why this does/doesn’t work, there’s a ton of nuances involved (insecurities, jealousy, histories of easy infatuation, frequency of seeing the 3rd party, trust issues, etc.) which cause the “I would divorce him immediately” and “I would beat him up” and “I’d be worried they’d leave me” reactions, but **in general** : It comes down to congruency. If Bob and Sarah are married and Bob has a 100% monogamous personality from day 1, and he suggests it, you get the “I would think he was going mentally ill” responses. It’s not congruent to Sarah’s view of who Bob is. If Bob was a player type who was dating around at the same time he met Sarah and Sarah knows she had to wrangle him into a monogamous relationship, and he suggests it, you get the “I’d be interested/excited” to “I’d decline but wouldn’t be worried” responses. My friend’s attempt went over horrible because it was incongruent with who his chick knows him as (a monogamous guy). On the flip side I have a friend who’s girls will fuck him and then tell him “omg I’m going to introduce you to my girlfriends” and has had a bunch of threesomes. The threesome guy isn’t just running into sluttier girls than my monogamous friend, it’s just congruent with his personality that threesomes are normal behavior to him and the girls can tell that. So if you’re a guy/girl in a marriage hoping to introduce a threesome but that would be a complete 180 from how your spouse knows you, don’t even bother trying for it, keep the fantasy to porn. But if you’re a guy/girl in a marriage hoping to introduce a threesome and your partner knows you have a pretty varied/adventurous sexual background, give it a go. Just remember to spend more time/attention on your spouse and don’t “finish” with the 3rd party haha Make it a “we’re together and this person is our plaything” roleplay instead of a “we’re all equal” or “this other person is super hot and I wanna bone them” vibe. And remember: Communicate communicate communicate. - TWTTWN [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482.md?page=5)