# Married Dopers: if your partner suggested a three-way, would you be worried? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 2, 2011, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482 "2011-05-02T15:57:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/81 "2011-05-06T15:21:18Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > Just remember to spend more time/attention on your spouse and don’t “finish” with the 3rd party haha Make it a “we’re together and this person is our plaything” roleplay instead of a “we’re all equal” or “this other person is super hot and I wanna bone them” vibe. > > And remember: Communicate communicate communicate. > > - TWTTWN Exactly this. My wife couldn’t believe at the end of our first one how much time I spent with and on her. I think she had some fear I’d forget about her with a new naked woman in the room. ---
**Author:** ![inkling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f17d59/32.png) [@inkling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inkling)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/82 "2011-05-06T15:46:05Z")
Voted interested/likely to decline. That sort of thing has come up in conversation for us. Not threesomes, exactly, but “who do you find attractive / who would you sleep with” discussions. It’s an interesting and titillating conversation, but realistically it is not the kind of thing either of us is likely to follow up on. I do find some of her friends attractive, but I respect their relationship agreements and it would be rude of me to even float the idea to them. She has said to me that she finds some of my friends attractive, and I have said in response (and honestly, not in a sulky, “well, _go ahead, then, see if I care_” tone) that if she were interested in an affair, it might as well be with someone I respect. To summarize: we’ve both thought about it, we’ve talked about it, it makes my pants feel tight to think about it, and then we go into the bedroom and take it out on each other rather than living it. I trust her to make good decisions, and she trusts me the same. I recognize that our relationship and viewpoint is not terribly common, but the blind-rage responses kinda scare me. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/83 "2011-05-06T19:47:17Z")
Male, 38. The girl (who I refer to as **Girl Wonder** on these boards, though she is not a member) who is now my wife and I had a threesome once. We had split up, and she was dating another man. He was bisexual, and wanted to sleep with me. He got on her cell phone and arranged the “tryst” without her knowledge. Once I got to their house, she learned of the plans, and consented. He never did anything to me. He wanted to, but I wouldn’t let him. In retrospect, I dunno if it was out of fear, or what. She and I are approaching our 2nd anniversary. I keep telling her she owes me two women since we did the two guy thing. She agrees, but we have yet to agree on the other girl, and I’m recovering from back surgery at the moment, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Ura-Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/51bf81/32.png) [@Ura-Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ura-Maru)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/84 "2011-05-06T20:22:06Z")
Of course I’m worried. **It seems I have a wife**. Apparently we met, dated, and got married, **AND I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER DOING IT!** – If she is going to leave me for another chick, which by historical data does seem likely, I don’t think the experimental 3 way would change the outcome one way or another. ---
**Author:** ![kombatminipig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5ac83/32.png) [@kombatminipig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kombatminipig)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/85 "2011-05-07T17:54:23Z")
Kombatminigirlfriend is bi (sexually at least, if not emotionally), so if she suggested it, it wouldn’t be out of character. I won’t pretend she doesn’t enjoy staring at a par of tits as much as I do, the difference being that I have access to a pair while she doesn’t. I’d enjoy a threesome both out of the sense where she’d be getting something I can’t give her (tits), and just for the hell of it. There’s a ton of stuff we’d have to discuss…ground rules what that could happen which would make the whole event suck, but that’s a hurdle I’ll jump when the day comes. ---
**Author:** ![Silvorange](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Silvorange](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silvorange)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/86 "2011-05-07T18:18:37Z")
I voted that I would decline but not be worried. Then I realized that the scenario would have my husband proposing a 3-way with a guy. That would worry me because I have always known him to be 100% heterosexual. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/87 "2011-05-07T18:53:48Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > I’d definitely decline and refuse because it would be so completely out of character for her. > I’d have to start looking under the bed and in the trash for the remains of pods, or something. This, pretty much. First of all, my BF is dead straight, so him proposing a threesome with another man (or the sort of boyish lesbian I have been attracted to before) would be shocking and yeah, kind of repulsive. Anyway I already know his opinions on three-ways (which also apply to any other situation that would involve me having sexual contact with anyone other than him, hah) - I would be so spooked at such a sea-change I’d suspect brain damage or mental illness (or, you know, aliens taking over his brain). I’ve never had any interest in threesomes, three people sounds like an awkward crowd to me. Plus potential for drama is exponential. I don’t think I’d ever have sex with two other people under any circumstances. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/88 "2011-05-07T19:27:36Z")
> [@friedo](#): > > You sound like you’ve got a really healthy relationship there. > > What happens if someone suggests some good old-fashioned buttsex? Maybe surprise buttsex would be better? I’d worry my hubby was going mad, as a threesome would cost him his job in the USAF. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/89 "2011-05-07T22:51:17Z")
I’m in a 23-year monogamous same-sex relationship. We have a very close friend whose partner had died some time ago. We both love him so much and have discussed the possibility of each of us partnering with him if either one of us died. We even brought the subject up with our friend on one occasion, and he got all excited about being with either one of us. And yes, the three of us even discussed the possibility of a 3-some, but left it somewhat unresolved. I think if even one of us seriously wanted it to happen, it would. ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/90 "2011-05-07T23:16:43Z")
I’d be surprised, and probably wouldn’t be into it, but I don’t think it would make me angry at all. In fact, the responses about getting seriously pissed or looking for divorce attorneys kind of surprise me. IMO, in a healthy, long-term relationship, spicing things up in the bedroom via three-way doesn’t really seem that outlandish to me. Again, I’d be open to talking about it, and might suggest a compromise, but I don’t see why it would piss me off. ---
**Author:** ![colonial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/34f0e0/32.png) [@colonial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colonial)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2011, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/91 "2011-05-07T23:43:48Z")
I would definitely be worried about anyone who would not definitely be worried. And there’s no hope for anyone who suggests such a thing. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/92 "2011-05-08T00:08:31Z")
I’m worried that you’d be worried about folks that weren’t worried. I guess there’s just no hope for me! ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/93 "2011-05-08T02:40:01Z")
> [@Unintentionally\_Blank](#): > > I’m worried that you’d be worried about folks that weren’t worried. > > I guess there’s just no hope for me! Actually you just saved your own bacon! Because you are now “worried” you have just dropped off of **colonial’s** list of people that aren’t worried. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/94 "2011-05-08T03:14:18Z")
If she suggested including a woman, I would wonder why she wanted to have sex with a woman, even if I was involved. If she suggested including a man, i would wonder why she wanted me to have sex with a man, even if she was involved. Another vote for “this must be a brain tumor or something”. It would be like her suggesting we rob a bank or something. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/95 "2011-05-08T07:37:43Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Meh. We’ve done it before so I’d likely do it again. It’s just sex. Exactly. > [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Threesomes are one of the absolute no discussion subjects in our marriage and my husband knows this. For him to bring up the subject means the marriage is over and he’s just wasted a lot of my time and energy. If he chooses to take that risk, then he has to live with the consequences. What, are you worried the other man might shake your hand? ---
**Author:** ![seanchai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b782af/32.png) [@seanchai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seanchai)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/96 "2011-05-08T08:05:06Z")
I agree with Baker. an seanchai ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/97 "2011-05-08T08:44:07Z")
Yeah, I’m single, but I’ve thought about this as a thought experiment. Since I don’t have a wife in mind, I don’t know if it would be out of character or not. But I do know it would be the one thing that would cross the line into me caring more about myself than her. Sex is a big deal to me, and I do not want to involve another person in it, even if it would make my wife happy. Nor would I be able to take her having sex with anyone without me. It seems so strange how I find the idea of “lesbian” porn erotic, find two girls together more attractive than one, but would not want to have sex with the two women, especially within the bounds of a relationship with one of them. (Lesbian is in quotes because it often seems to involve non-lesbians–either in the actors or in the fantasy.) > [@Skald the Rhymer](#): > > And, no, I’m not including an option for never-married persons in the poll. Like I always say, never trust a **Rhymer**. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/98 "2011-05-08T17:36:44Z")
Decline, Worried. . ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2011, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/99 "2011-05-08T17:53:50Z")
My soon to be ex-wife knew it was a fantasy that I was never able to follow through with. She didn’t care that it was a fantasy. It was very clear that it would never happen. She had some very crazy jealousy issues. I would have been very confused and a bit worried. Especially if she suggested a man because she would know I wouldn’t be into it. My girlfriend who I am very committed to let me know she has no problem with me checking out women since she would be too. If she suggested it I would most likely jump at the chance. But her portion of the female population that she is attracted to is very narrow so I have doubts it will ever happen. For survey purposes I put down my current situation. ---
**Author:** ![californiagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@californiagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/californiagirl)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2011, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482/100 "2011-05-10T21:19:48Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > I’m not married, but my friend in a 6+ year relationship attempted this to “spice up their sex life”. It went horribly, haha I also know a handful of swingers who have threesomes and am in an open relationship myself. > > For anyone wondering about the psychology behind why this does/doesn’t work, there’s a ton of nuances involved (insecurities, jealousy, histories of easy infatuation, frequency of seeing the 3rd party, trust issues, etc.) which cause the “I would divorce him immediately” and “I would beat him up” and “I’d be worried they’d leave me” reactions, but **in general** : > > It comes down to congruency. If Bob and Sarah are married and Bob has a 100% monogamous personality from day 1, and he suggests it, you get the “I would think he was going mentally ill” responses. It’s not congruent to Sarah’s view of who Bob is. > > If Bob was a player type who was dating around at the same time he met Sarah and Sarah knows she had to wrangle him into a monogamous relationship, and he suggests it, you get the “I’d be interested/excited” to “I’d decline but wouldn’t be worried” responses. > > My friend’s attempt went over horrible because it was incongruent with who his chick knows him as (a monogamous guy). On the flip side I have a friend who’s girls will fuck him and then tell him “omg I’m going to introduce you to my girlfriends” and has had a bunch of threesomes. The threesome guy isn’t just running into sluttier girls than my monogamous friend, it’s just congruent with his personality that threesomes are normal behavior to him and the girls can tell that. > > So if you’re a guy/girl in a marriage hoping to introduce a threesome but that would be a complete 180 from how your spouse knows you, don’t even bother trying for it, keep the fantasy to porn. But if you’re a guy/girl in a marriage hoping to introduce a threesome and your partner knows you have a pretty varied/adventurous sexual background, give it a go. Just remember to spend more time/attention on your spouse and don’t “finish” with the 3rd party haha Make it a “we’re together and this person is our plaything” roleplay instead of a “we’re all equal” or “this other person is super hot and I wanna bone them” vibe. > > And remember: Communicate communicate communicate. > > - TWTTWN this is interesting to me because i am in a very good marriage, my husband is very devoted but I have always known his ultimate fantasy is a three way, I recently told him I will go for it if we can find someone unfamiliar to us with certain other restrictions, very similar to what you suggest. I don’t think we would do it regularly but i’m willing to try it and if it fulfills his fantasy I don’t see a problem, hes great and I trust him and I know he would never cheat. I say someone unfamiliar because I don’t want to have issues thinking a friend may still be walking around wanting him or something. So I say sure if your in a good relationship with lots of trust, why not try, you can always stop! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-if-your-partner-suggested-a-three-way-would-you-be-worried/580482.md?page=6)