# Married Dopers: You're in Heaven. Your spouse is...elsewhere. Do you forgo Paradise for his/her sake **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 8, 2015, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355 "2015-01-08T23:26:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/1 "2015-01-08T23:26:00Z")
(With apologies to Robert Heinlein.) So you and your spouse are driving along one day–minding your own beeswax, no bothering nobody–when some truck driver blows through a stop sign, slams into your car, and turns it into a twisted mass of flaming metal. You open your eyes to find that the Calvinists were right all along; there’s both a god and a Heaven, which, happily, is a very, very nice place–pretty much what you’d have designed. But mortals can’t earn their way into Heaven; Double Predestination is in play. At the beginning of time, God decided ahead of time which souls would be damned and which would be saved. You’re on the Pearly Gates list; your spouse went…somewhere else. Not necessarily Hell, as there are other afterlifes; but she or he is not where you are. Presumably you are vexed by this. When you complain, St. Peter tells you that the gates to Heaven are only locked to the outside; anybody can walk out at any time. If you want, Pete will give you a list of possible places your spouse may be and let you go look for her or him, with the warning that once you leave, you ain’t getting back in. Do you go questing for your spouse, or get fitted for a halo? ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/2 "2015-01-08T23:31:38Z")
See ya’ bitch. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Kobayashi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4af34b/32.png) [@Mr.Kobayashi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Kobayashi)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/3 "2015-01-08T23:32:33Z")
Not married but in a long-term relationship… …can’t imagine having to think about this for a millisecond, off I go a’questin’. It’s what she’d do for us. Although I would wonder how the hell I qualified for Heaven. ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/4 "2015-01-08T23:34:12Z")
Some religions believe a bevy of beauties await your arrival, others believe there’s a room full of virgins for the faithful. If that’s the case, what was her name again? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/5 "2015-01-08T23:47:15Z")
> [@Mr.Kobayashi](#): > > Not married but in a long-term relationship… > > …can’t imagine having to think about this for a millisecond, off I go a’questin’. It’s what she’d do for us. Although I would wonder how the hell I qualified for Heaven. Like I said: double predestination. It’s the doctrine that God decided that is eons ago who was saved and who was damned z and what an individual actually does matters not a jot. ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/6 "2015-01-08T23:50:37Z")
I’d need to know more about the nature of these other afterlives. What if I don’t find him? What happens to me then? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/7 "2015-01-08T23:54:11Z")
Can I at least get her phone number so I can find out if she’s happy? What if this other afterlife she’s in has some guy who is a far better match for her than I am? Then she’s going to feel horribly obligated if I show up unexpectedly (or not, which might be worse). ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2015, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/8 "2015-01-08T23:55:30Z")
Not Heaven if she’s not there. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/9 "2015-01-09T00:04:19Z")
What, exactly, makes your “heaven”, heaven, and her “hell”, hell? ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/10 "2015-01-09T00:11:30Z")
Heaven. That’s a place that’s never been stamped on my ticket. _tosses a baseball against a wall and catches it_ And there’s somebody’s not here who oughta be? _tosses a baseball against a wall and catches it_ And I have… all eternity… to make this right…? _tosses a baseball against a wall and catches it_ Hold on to your wings, Clarence. This is about to get fun… ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/11 "2015-01-09T00:11:38Z")
Mormons actually believe this. If you aren’t a faithful Mormon, you don’t get to be with your family. If you die without hearing the church you are OK if someone baptizes you for the dead. When someone stops believing, this tears a lot of families apart. leading to many divorces. Mormon theology leads one to believe there will be more women in the Super VIP Heaven, so I can easily see why Mormons would say that they wouldn’t go looking for them. Women are taken, like chattel from unfaithful men and given to more faithful men in the afterlife. For me, it would just be my luck that while my current wife didn’t make the cut, my ex-wife is up there, so it would be hell anyway, so I’ll back my bags and off looking. ---
**Author:** ![Frazzled](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frazzled/32/3368_2.png) [@Frazzled](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frazzled)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/12 "2015-01-09T00:42:08Z")
I’m single so can’t directly answer the poll, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen his same scenario in The Twilight Zone so I’d probably leave anyway! Remember the guy who thought he was at the Pearly Gates with his dog, only the angel at the gates wouldn’t allow him to enter with his dog? The man chose to move along only to find the real heaven further up the road. Also, there was an episode with a gangster who got into heaven and thought it was awesome. But when he went to the casino he kept winning game after game after game. Turns out, he was in “the other place” all along… Nope, given the choice in the OP, I’m packing up and heading out. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/13 "2015-01-09T00:48:47Z")
If by some celestial bookkeeping error I am welcomed to Paradise and my Wife is not, all the hosts of Heaven are not enough to keep me from finding her. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/14 "2015-01-09T00:50:01Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Can I at least get her phone number so I can find out if she’s happy? You know what happened the last time you got my phone number. ---
**Author:** ![Shalmanese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shalmanese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shalmanese)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/15 "2015-01-09T00:51:33Z")
I would suspect that I’m actually at the gates of hell and that this is a test. ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/16 "2015-01-09T00:56:36Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Heaven, which, happily, is a very, very nice place–pretty much what you’d have designed. That’s the thing about humans though. Sometimes things or places they think are going to make them happy turn out to make them feel like hell in the end. I’d have to ask the same question a couple others have asked upthread, and I kept wondering as I read the thread. What makes this place Heaven? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/17 "2015-01-09T00:58:03Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > You know what happened the last time you got my phone number. Right. Thus proving a phone call is a win-win for me. The moral of this story is that you should keep your cell phone charged at all times, EVEN IF YOU DIE. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/18 "2015-01-09T01:00:56Z")
It would depend on which spouse, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Gray\_Ghost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c0e974/32.png) [@Gray\_Ghost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gray_Ghost)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/19 "2015-01-09T01:11:51Z")
I want to know whether I can also leave any of the other choices, or whether I’m stuck within one of them, whether she’s there or not. I’m still leaving, mind—how can it be Paradise without her?—I just want to know how carefully I need to consider my alternatives. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2015, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355/20 "2015-01-09T01:26:52Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > What, exactly, makes your “heaven”, heaven, and her “hell”, hell? They are exactly the same except for the fact that the bitch is in one and not the other. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-dopers-youre-in-heaven-your-spouse-is-elsewhere-do-you-forgo-paradise-for-his-her-sake/709355.md?page=2)