# Married folks: is it enough that your partner BE monogamous, or must they also WANT to be monogamous **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 31, 2013, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817 "2013-05-31T22:29:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2013, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/61 "2013-06-02T13:22:40Z")
> [@jackdavinci](#): > > OK I missed the part where the woman would let the husband fool around willingly but not want to fool around herself. To which all I can think is, if you don’t want your partner to be able to get the same things out of the relationship, you are using them and treating them like an object. This is not love, it’s codependency. Except, you know, dudes would love to be given permission to sleep around. It takes compromising your urges and making the choice that a monogamous relationship is going to be better for you in the long run. That’s why it’s all about the choices you make in how you act, not what you would _want_ if you could have everything you wanted. Growing up and being in a relationship means giving up things you might want. That’s why it’s ridiculous to be told “You should have wanted it in the first place.” ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2013, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/62 "2013-06-02T13:46:49Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Except, you know, dudes would love to be given permission to sleep around. I don’t think that’s always true. I know my husband. He doesn’t separate emotion and sex very well. He might think about casual, hormone-driven squirts in the dark, but it’s never been something he’s done–not before he met me, and certainly not after. I can imagine my husband falling in love with someone else and being unfaithful to me. I can’t imagine him going on the proverbial business trip and banging a chick he met in a bar. He might enjoy imagining it, but he’d never conceive of actually following through. Now, maybe he only thinks that way because his natural male instincts have been distorted and diluted by our bizarre, egalitarian culture. But that doesn’t mean he is putting on an act, or performing some internal calculus about the pleasure of banging hot chick vs the long term benefits of wife not banging strange dudes. He is a creature of this society, and has been shaped by the values of this society. I don’t think that’s so impossible. ---
**Author:** ![jackdavinci](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackdavinci/32/3259_2.png) [@jackdavinci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackdavinci)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2013, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/63 "2013-06-02T13:48:41Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Except, you know, dudes would love to be given permission to sleep around. It takes compromising your urges and making the choice that a monogamous relationship is going to be better for you in the long run. That’s why it’s all about the choices you make in how you act, not what you would _want_ if you could have everything you wanted. Growing up and being in a relationship means giving up things you might want. That’s why it’s ridiculous to be told “You should have wanted it in the first place.” What you would want if you could have anything you want goes to a core part of your personality, beliefs, values, and world view. There’s no way that doesn’t influence the quality and qualia of the relationship, whether or not you keep it overtly in check. It speaks to whether you see your partner as equally fully human or as a possession or object or convenience. Lets put it this way, would you really want to be married to someone who would kill you for a billion dollars if they had the opportunity and there were no consequences, even though that opportunity would never happen? Theres a natural human urge to have a billion dollars, and a natural human urge for violence. But they will never actually kill you, and so their actions is all that ultimately matters, right? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2013, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/64 "2013-06-02T23:38:27Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > No opinion on the poll, but I want to let you know that I’ve bookmarked that recipe. It actually looks good and I really need to learn how to make casseroles. I made it for Sunday lunch today; it was pretty good. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2013, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/65 "2013-06-02T23:47:37Z")
> [@jackdavinci](#): > > Which begs the question, in the modern era all sorts of relationship forms are gaining acceptance. If you don’t value or want to experience monogamy, why would you choose to be monogamous? You might want to be with a particular person more than you want to be with others. If that person were not available AT ALL, you might happily choose to be with multiple other partners, but if the price of that person’s availability to YOU is forsaking others, then giving up the opportunity to be with others to be with her or him might seem acceptable. That’s not quite my situation, by the way. I love my wife so much that it hurts a little. I don’t forgo the chance to be with other women because it’s the price of being with her; I forgo the chance to be with other women because, frankly, in comparison to her, other women bore me. And that includes Natalie Portman. She’s lemon meringue pie, and other women are rice cakes. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2013, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/66 "2013-06-04T11:49:04Z")
Meanwhile, back in the real world… ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2013, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/67 "2013-06-04T11:55:04Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > This is why I say that “if that’s what you want, then seek an open marriage” is a false position. Very few people would actually want an open marriage. So they have to come to terms with the fact that if they want the benefits of marriage, a condition of that is monogamy. The fact that they come to this conclusion doesn’t make them some kind of fundamentally dishonest person. > > Yes, sure. And part of growing up is exchanging the selfish impulse to seek sexual variety for the benefits of marriage. I guess about 50% of the married population have missed out on the supposed “benefits of marriage” as they got divorced. I thought this thread was about not wanting to have sex with other people ( dream on ), not about open marriages or actually playing away. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2013, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/68 "2013-06-04T11:56:13Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > You might want to be with a particular person more than you want to be with others. If that person were not available AT ALL, you might happily choose to be with multiple other partners, but if the price of that person’s availability to YOU is forsaking others, then giving up the opportunity to be with others to be with her or him might seem acceptable. > > That’s not quite my situation, by the way. I love my wife so much that it hurts a little. I don’t forgo the chance to be with other women because it’s the price of being with her; I forgo the chance to be with other women because, frankly, in comparison to her, other women bore me. And that includes Natalie Portman. She’s lemon meringue pie, and other women are rice cakes. Give it a few years. Nothing lasts, sadly. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2013, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/69 "2013-06-04T17:41:55Z")
> [@Doggo](#): > > Give it a few years. Nothing lasts, sadly. Not if you approach it with that sort of attitude, certainly. Nothing gives very good results if you half-ass it because you already know it won’t work. Not a diet/exercise change, not a new grooming technique, not a cleaning product, not a new hobby, and most definitely not a relationship. I’ve been with my husband for 18 years, and he’s still lemon meringue pie while all other men are rice cakes. Even though some of them are those flavored rice cakes that are actually pretty decent little snacks, rice cakes they remain and rice cakes they always shall be. And as a data point, I don’t want to have sex with other people. Not even people I find hot. I don’t even find myself fantasizing about other people. Freakish as folks like to act like that is, it’s just the way some of us are wired. Being with someone who actively did want to sleep with other people but restrained himself solely for my sake would, I think, be an awful mental and emotional strain. I would worry that he was unhappy and resentful about the situation, and that would make me unhappy and uncertain, and I think eventually resentful about the strain of having to worry about that all the damn time. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2013, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/70 "2013-06-04T18:10:23Z")
> [@Antigen](#): > > The “shared value” thing is where I’m coming from. I don’t think that I would personally be comfortable in a relationship with someone who didn’t value monogamy. The same way that I’d prefer to be with someone who doesn’t smoke because they don’t like smoking, as opposed to someone who quits for me. Doing something “for” someone, and going against your own instincts and desires to do so, can be a gesture of love, sure, but it can also breed contempt in the wrong circumstances. So why risk that? I found someone whose thoughts on monogamy match my own (in theory, of course - I can’t see into his head), and I feel better that way. > > To each their own, obviously. > [@even\_sven](#): > > I’d want my partner to share the belief that monogamy is the right thing _for this relationship_. I don’t mind if he thinks polyamory would be a good idea in another setting, but I wouldn’t want him to be saying “The only thing that keeps me from banging other chicks is that it’d upset you.” Both of these. Someone who believed that what’s right for him is what’s right for everybody… is not right for me. And, while I would be willing to accept a poly/open relationship under specific circumstances, it’s not what I myself tend to and what I’m definitely not willing to accept is cheating/lies (I think we’ve had enough conversations about the difference, it comes up periodically). ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2013, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817/71 "2013-06-05T19:16:37Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I’m just glad you realize there is a difference. Being attracted to someone doesn’t mean you want to have sex with them. > > And I went with the single option. I’d have went with the food, but Skald appears to be in charge of it. I’m sure he’s a great cook and all, but the food would probably turn me evil or something. I’ll have to put on my evil hat to respond here. :: slips fedora of wickedness :: Silly boy. Evil has to be chosen voluntarily, or it doesn’t count. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-folks-is-it-enough-that-your-partner-be-monogamous-or-must-they-also-want-to-be-monogamous/659817.md?page=3)