# Married/LTR dopers, how often do you fantasize about somebody besides your SO? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 30, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857 "2010-12-30T18:56:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/1 "2010-12-30T18:56:59Z")
Just wondering. This “fantasizing” could be about anything from mild flirting to a romantic dinner to unprotected sex in public places. Anything that has a non-platonic nature. I would also be interested in knowing how long you’ve been in that relationship if you respond to the thread. FTR, I will not be participating in the poll, because I’m not in a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/2 "2010-12-30T19:53:21Z")
I voted never. I’ve been in my current relationship for a year. I was also married for eleven years. I simply have never had fantasies about a non-SO during either of those periods. ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/3 "2010-12-30T20:01:14Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I voted never. I’ve been in my current relationship for a year. I was also married for eleven years. I simply have never had fantasies about a non-SO during either of those periods. There’s a low response so far, but this might be a male/female difference: I suspect that men are far more likely that women to have fantasies, even if the fantasy has no impact on reality and the real-life relationship is very sound. ---
**Author:** ![flickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7bcc69/32.png) [@flickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flickster)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/4 "2010-12-30T20:11:10Z")
The scale is weighted far too heavily on long time spans. It could just as easily been broken down into hours/minutes… ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/5 "2010-12-30T20:19:38Z")
Only about boning. Not, like, cuddling and being with the other person or anything. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/6 "2010-12-30T20:21:05Z")
> [@Giles](#): > > There’s a low response so far, but this might be a male/female difference: I suspect that men are far more likely that women to have fantasies, even if the fantasy has no impact on reality and the real-life relationship is very sound. Well, fantasies and fantasies about other people are different. I understood the question to be about the latter, not the former. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/7 "2010-12-30T20:22:50Z")
> [@Giles](#): > > There’s a low response so far, but this might be a male/female difference: I suspect that men are far more likely that women to have fantasies, even if the fantasy has no impact on reality and the real-life relationship is very sound. Yeah, it occurred to me after I posted that maybe I should have asked about gender. I would be interested if posters in the thread mentioned their gender > [@flickster](#): > > The scale is weighted far too heavily on long time spans. It could just as easily been broken down into hours/minutes… I see what you’re saying. I put in so many options for longer time span because I didn’t want people saying things like, “well, I fantasize more than once a month but less than once every two weeks. That doesn’t fit.” “Several times a day” includes everything from many times an hour to three times a day. Also I thought the longer time spans would be more reflective of how often people do fantasize but maybe I was wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/8 "2010-12-30T20:48:46Z")
Several times a day. Beautiful women are everywhere, and as a healthy red-blooded male I can’t imagine _not_ having certain thoughts when I see them. This does not mean I have any intention of actually acting on those thoughts, or that I would ever cheat on my wife. That’s why it’s called a “fantasy.” ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/9 "2010-12-30T23:55:38Z")
I’ve been with Mig for seven years (as of yesterday!) and I have never fantasized about being with another person romantically or sexually. I have who I want more than anyone! I do make jokes about girls I’m attracted to, because I am attracted to them. I just don’t do the whole romantic/sex fantasy thing. Fantasies are for winning lotteries or finding treasures or ya know, getting a good job. Or finding genie! Sex is such a personal thing to me, I don’t really think about it recreationally. I’ve had some dreams though! Wooboy! ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2010, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/10 "2010-12-31T06:20:21Z")
**Rushgeekgirl** , I’d count dreams as fantasies, pretty much by definition. Due to circumstances, I have to spend weeks apart from my wife, and use porn to masturbate, which counts as a low-grade sort of fantasy. I’ve not specifically asked her, but I’m pretty sure my wife fantasizes about particularly sexy actors. We have an honest enough relationship that we can admit that we find a particular person sexy and not feel that it is any threat (the fact that none of our fantasy objects is ever going to become a reality helps). ---
**Author:** ![BleizDu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@BleizDu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BleizDu)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2010, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/11 "2010-12-31T07:27:20Z")
Are we talking about fantasies about any other human being, or specific persons? I mean, I never have sexual fantasies about people I know, or see in the streets, for exemple, but each time during masturbation, I have sexual fantasies involving generic people being used as props for the fantasies. I don’t see that as fantasizing about somebody else than my partner, but maybe it is, for the poll? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2010, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/12 "2010-12-31T07:34:15Z")
It depends on what you mean by “fantasizing about somebody else.” Does that include the use of porn or abstract fantasies involving celebrities in the like? If you’re asking about serious fantasies about really being with other people, my answer is never, but I think any guy would be lying if he said he’d never jerked off to any kind of image or fantasy but his wife. ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2010, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/13 "2010-12-31T15:03:40Z")
> [@Gestalt](#): > > Just wondering. This “fantasizing” could be about anything from mild flirting to a romantic dinner to unprotected sex in public places. Anything that has a non-platonic nature. I would also be interested in knowing how long you’ve been in that relationship if you respond to the thread. FTR, I will not be participating in the poll, because I’m not in a relationship. I answered ‘once every 2-3 months’ but I really have no idea. Although it is very infrequent, I guess it does happen from time to time. I’ve been married a little over 20 years to someone who’s ‘gotta have it’, on average, 3 times a week, which is more than my fill, to be frank. Want to know my fantasy? Getting an extra half hour of sleep in the morning. ---
**Author:** ![Avarie537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/48db29/32.png) [@Avarie537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avarie537)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/14 "2010-12-31T17:14:09Z")
2-3 days a week on average here. Married 9 1/2 years, together for 11. Female. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2010, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/15 "2010-12-31T19:16:16Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > **Rushgeekgirl** , I’d count dreams as fantasies, pretty much by definition. No, fantasies are not dreams. Fantasies are stories you create while awake. You have control over the plot and characters. You must be thinking of day dreams. I haven’t had any fantasies about other people in a romantic or sexual way since about two weeks before I got my magical first kiss with the man of my dreams. He’s the guy who gets me going. Why fantasize about other people when I have that? I have had a few romantic sleeping dreams about my ex-husband after I got in contact with his family a year or so ago and I occasionally have night-time, while sleeping, not conscious dreams about other women. Slightly OT:How strange am I that I don’t have fantasies about people when I masturbate? Most of the time I’m not alone, it’s part of some fun with my Mig, but when I’m alone I’m all like “ooh mmmm ggggaaaah oh yeah!” I’m not thinking of anyone else. I really did not know that was so odd until recently because I don’t usually get into sex conversations with other people who feel the need for such intimate details. All I can figure is I’m just not a very sexual person. I’m no prude and I’m up for anything as long as it’s with my sweetie, but I don’t really spend a lot of time thinking about it when I’m not doing it. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2010, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/16 "2010-12-31T19:47:18Z")
So when you’re flicking the bean, you _never_ think of anyone else? Edit: Apparently not, so what do you do? Just kinda touch the bean and not think of anything? I’m asking for way TMI, aren’t I? ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2011, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/17 "2011-01-01T00:52:42Z")
My partner is everything I need, and believe me, that’s enough. This doesn’t mean that I don’t acknowledge other hot guys, but not to the extent of fantasizing about them. ---
**Author:** ![nofloyd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nofloyd/32/2870_2.png) [@nofloyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nofloyd)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2011, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-ltr-dopers-how-often-do-you-fantasize-about-somebody-besides-your-so/565857/18 "2011-01-01T01:24:50Z")
Female, with husband for 7 years. Until this summer I’ve always used ‘imaginary’ fantasy men for self gratification purposes. Hoo boy, this summer, out of the blue, I picked up a fantasy version of someone I know at work - not in daily contact with him, thank og. And I haven’t managed to get rid of him. [holds head in hands] Love my spouse, but damn, the reality-based fantasy figure turned my pre-July fantasy list into a smoking crater. The intensity is off the scale for me. I can see how people end up doing foolish things and wrecking good relationships. Hormones are merciless. I’ve been considering starting a thread on this problem - I could use some help from those with high libidos. What techniques do you use to stop/limit thinking about sex all the damn time. [plaintive] Does anything work? TMI: On really bad days I need to change my panties 3-4 times. I think I’m a woman sharing head space with an 18 yo guy these days.