# Married Men of the 'Dope: Did you ask your future wife's dad for permission to marry her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 7, 2026, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433 "2026-01-07T14:26:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/21 "2026-01-07T15:35:16Z")
First the answer - no, and if I had I suspect my wife would have taken back her yes. Second - > [@Frodo](#): > > I would think most modern women would find it offensive to even consider it, as if they were some sort of property of their fathers. My wife is a therapist and has many women clients in their later 20s who are sharing with her that this tradition is something they expect and want. It has really been a reversal. The very thing that she would have taken great offense to they are telling their potential husbands to be is something they have to do. Oh eta - our daughter knows the sort of response I’d give if asked and will definitely not request it. ---
**Author:** ![Lsura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Lsura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lsura)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/22 "2026-01-07T15:35:39Z")
I’ve never married (and I’m not a man) but I do know that one of my siblings did this in 1999. It was important to his wife, so he did. He’s described as less about permission than her wanting him to show that respect to his parents. If I ever marry, it’s not something I would expect from the person I marry - but my background and expectations are different from my SiL’s. ---
**Author:** ![griffin1977](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@griffin1977](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/griffin1977)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/23 "2026-01-07T15:37:09Z")
Yup my wife’s family are traditional afro Caribbean immigrants, it was definitely expected of me. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/24 "2026-01-07T15:41:08Z")
My wife’s father had already died before we got married. I only met her mother (who lived in China) after our wedding. So no, I didn’t ask for any permission. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/25 "2026-01-07T15:49:22Z")
> [@Eonwe](#): > > Aside from the obvious down with patriarchy reasons to not do it, I imagine that the prevalence of second marriages as well as the norm of living with a partner in advance of a proposal both helped put a nail in the coffin of that cultural relic. Also, the fact that a lot of folks are getting married as adults- not only does this practice force participation in some very specific gender roles, but it also implies a certain kind of relationship between the father and both younger people involved. I was not a child. My relationship with my future wife’s father was not that of an adult and young person, but rather one of two grown adults. I don’t need to supplicate myself to him, as if he had veto power over whether or not I could be in a relationship with his adult daughter. Even as a vestigial formality, it’s an odd pantomime. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/26 "2026-01-07T15:53:39Z")
Sort of. My wife was very adamant that I ask his permission. I wasn’t so sure, being a mid-30-something year old man, and she being in her early 30s as well. So I sort of just told him that we were getting married, and asked if he was ok with that. He burst out laughing and explained that he’d given his own father-in-law essentially the same speech, and for much the same reason. And he said he was fine with it and happy to have me. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![minor7flat5](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/minor7flat5/32/258_2.png) [@minor7flat5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minor7flat5)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/27 "2026-01-07T15:56:28Z")
Yes! It was in “pre-cellular” days. She told me exactly how to make the international call to Brazil, and when he answered, I spoke in my very sparse Portuguese and asked him for permission to marry his daughter. He said “Sim!” This is one of my favorite memories. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/28 "2026-01-07T15:56:48Z")
THANK GOD. Sorry I missed it ---
**Author:** ![dirtball](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dirtball/32/18772_2.png) [@dirtball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dirtball)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/29 "2026-01-07T15:59:55Z")
Well, after we decided we were going to get married, I asked the then-future mrs. dirtball if I should ask her father. She chuckled and told me, “He’ll just say, ‘Why are you asking _me_? _She’s_ the one you want to marry.’” I didn’t get to know him very well; he left this world in an accident before the wedding took place, but on the basis of what I knew about him, yes, that scans. So no, I didn’t ask. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/30 "2026-01-07T16:01:57Z")
This is big. When the prospective couple are just barely out of high school, or maybe not even yet, the role of all 4 parents as advice-givers and gatekeepers against foolish mistakes looms large. When the prospective couple are potent people in mid-career with advanced degrees, well, it’s almost a mockery to play the pantomime father’s permission game. ---
**Author:** ![FinsToTheLeft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finstotheleft/32/2930_2.png) [@FinsToTheLeft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinsToTheLeft)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/31 "2026-01-07T16:07:56Z")
Nope. Engaged in 1998 just before my wife’s 23rd birthday. We went over to her parents (we already lived together) and informed them, then told my parents. ---
**Author:** ![yendis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ed8c4c/32.png) [@yendis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yendis)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/32 "2026-01-07T16:09:37Z")
Nope didn’t ask, and I knew that my wife did not want to me to ask, she was very clear on that point pre-engagement. ---
**Author:** ![Sigene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df788c/32.png) [@Sigene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigene)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/33 "2026-01-07T16:11:16Z")
No. We had been dating for 7 years, so it was a forgone expectation anyway. But it was a decision we made together, no one else was involved. I also didn’t ‘ask’ her. We talked about it as a mutual partner relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/34 "2026-01-07T16:20:13Z")
My wife and I were living together but she still wanted me to talk to her parents before proposing as it was the custom in Peru where they had immigrated from and her parents would expect/appreciate it. So it was less about permission and more early information that I would be proposing soon. And they appreciated the gesture and knowing that I wasn’t just keeping their daughter around for fun. I don’t know if I would have thought to do it myself if she hadn’t brought it up but it was no big deal and everyone came away happier for it. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/35 "2026-01-07T16:22:31Z")
We were both in our late 40s, so it never crossed my mind. Besides, when she moved in with me and sold her house, her dad had been living with her in an in-law apartment. I made him homeless (he moved in with his significant other) but he still liked me. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![mtnmatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a3d4f5/32.png) [@mtnmatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mtnmatt)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/36 "2026-01-07T16:24:06Z")
My now-wife of 30 years and I had been dating for about two years when we decided to move in together, to a nearby state where I was working. Her dad had passed before we even met and her grandfather was the main father figure in her life at that point. On the night before the move, we had dinner at her grandparents’ house, as we often did when we lived nearby. As we were waiting for dinner, he called me into the kitchen and I was expecting a grilling about my intentions, etc. Instead, he wanted to complain about the way the local cable company, for which I worked, was pricing the ability to watch the Mets. ---
**Author:** ![SlipperyPete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ba9def/32.png) [@SlipperyPete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlipperyPete)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/37 "2026-01-07T16:26:26Z")
Yes, because I knew her family valued tradition. ---
**Author:** ![xtenkfarpl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/c2a13f/32.png) [@xtenkfarpl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xtenkfarpl)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/38 "2026-01-07T16:27:10Z")
Nope. I was on pretty cordial terms with my wife’s parents though, so if I had it would probably have been more of a gentle family joke rather than a Big Occasion. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/39 "2026-01-07T16:33:31Z")
Married twice, didn’t ask for permission either time. We were both 30 for my first marriage, and 50 for my second, so it would have been pretty ridiculous to ask for permission. On my second marriage, her father pulled me aside one time and very nicely told me I had his permission, which was a little odd. My soon-to-be wife was annoyed at her father when I told her about it. ---
**Author:** ![scabpicker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scabpicker/32/8268_2.png) [@scabpicker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scabpicker)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/40 "2026-01-07T17:02:32Z")
Nah, we were adults, she wasn’t his property and I probably wouldn’t want to marry a woman who wanted me to ask her father for permission. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433.md?page=3)