# Married Men of the 'Dope: Did you ask your future wife's dad for permission to marry her? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 7, 2026, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433 "2026-01-07T14:26:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/61 "2026-01-07T22:10:43Z")
My ex’s former surname is fairly common and benign. Mine is very uncommon and I am regularly told how cool it is even by hotel clerks who have seen thousands of them. Still, I assumed that she’d keep her name. We literally never discussed the issue. I didn’t know that she was changing it until we were filling out the marriage license a couple of days before the ceremony. ---
**Author:** ![Frodo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frodo/32/302_2.png) [@Frodo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frodo)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/62 "2026-01-07T23:25:36Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Not to mention the expectation that the wife will automatically take the husband’s surname. It can be worse, the Spanish custom we inherited was to take the husband’s surname and to be called by the woman’s surname, the possessive preposition “de” and then the husband’s surname. So my mom, Prímula Brandigamo, was (in the 80’s before the custom changed) called Prímula Bolsón for short, but also Prímula Brandigamo _de Bolsón_ what in English would’ve been “Primula Brandybuck of Baggins” or “Baggin’s Primula Brandybuck”. ---
**Author:** ![garygnu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/garygnu/32/2924_2.png) [@garygnu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/garygnu)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/63 "2026-01-07T23:26:21Z")
Fuck no. I married _her_ not him. I asked _her_ permission. We hit 25 years this past summer - it still bugs him to this day, and I feel glad about that every time I’m reminded of it. Guy’s an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2026, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/64 "2026-01-07T23:47:50Z")
It was in 1964, but I did ask my wife’s step-father after she asked me to. I was a bit put-out, but he was going to pay for the wedding. Honestly, I have the impression that the only thing he cared about was that I was Jewish. He had broken all contact with a natural daughter who had married a non-Jew and welcomed her back with open arms when she got divorced. I never asked my wife’s natural father who was quite obviously pleased with me. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/65 "2026-01-08T01:01:10Z")
> [@HeyHomie](#): > > I don’t know if you’re making a joke about dowries, like I did, or if you’re telling the truth. And if you’re telling the truth, I’ve never heard of a dowry going from the groom to the bride’s parents - I thought it went the other way. Sure, there are cultures where wives are bought and sold, but I don’t think the term for that is “dowry.” 100% truth. I think they requested $8000, or something like that. It may be due to culture. My wife grew up in Hong Kong. > [@Kimstu](#): > > The usual English term for obligatory property transfer from the groom to the bride’s family, instead of the other way around, is “bride price”, not “dowry”. Thanks, wasn’t aware of that. And it was so long ago that I don’t remember if they referred to it as a “dowry” or not, so perhaps my terminology is incorrect. But they _did_ request money. ---
**Author:** ![HeyHomie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heyhomie/32/207_2.png) [@HeyHomie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeyHomie)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/66 "2026-01-08T01:06:52Z")
> [@Frodo](#): > > So my mom, Prímula Brandigamo, was (in the 80’s before the custom changed) called Prímula Bolsón for short, but also Prímula Brandigamo _de Bolsón_ what in English would’ve been “Primula Brandybuck of Baggins” or “Baggin’s Primula Brandybuck”. ASIDE: I do love how the people behind the Spanish translation of the LotR films rendered names that don’t have a close equivalent in Spanish. Like Rosie Cotton would be _Rosita Algodon_ easy peasy. But Samwise Gamgee doesn’t really translate, since it doesn’t really mean anything in English either. So the Spanish translators went with something equally nonsensical but equally cute. _Samsagsz Gamyii_. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/67 "2026-01-08T01:20:40Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > 100% truth. I think they requested $8000, or something like that. > > It may be due to culture. My wife grew up in Hong Kong. > > > [@Kimstu](#): > > > > The usual English term for obligatory property transfer from the groom to the bride’s family, instead of the other way around, is “bride price”, not “dowry”. > > Thanks, wasn’t aware of that. And it was so long ago that I don’t remember if they referred to it as a “dowry” or not, so perhaps my terminology is incorrect. But they _did_ request money. Yup, apparently [the “bride price” (_pin jin_) practice is still a thing in Hong Kong and other Chinese cultures.](https://www.bloomandsong.com/hong-kong-wedding-flowers/a-guide-to-traditional-hong-kong-wedding-customs) ---
**Author:** ![SunUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SunUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SunUp)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/68 "2026-01-08T01:44:00Z")
Didn’t ask, she didn’t ask me to ask, and he had made it fairly clear before that he was OK with me (we dated almost four years). However, I was very amused to watch this a few years later: [![](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/a0qaIvb3bGA/hqdefault.jpg "Alias - Danny seeks Jack Bristo's blessing to marry Sydney") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0qaIvb3bGA) ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/69 "2026-01-08T03:03:36Z")
My wife’s dad was a bigamist. No - I didn’t ask his permission. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/70 "2026-01-08T03:18:47Z")
> [@SunUp](#): > > However, I was very amused to watch this a few years later: And to think that he was clown-shoes Jesus! ---
**Author:** ![ShadowFacts](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shadowfacts/32/2934_2.png) [@ShadowFacts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShadowFacts)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/71 "2026-01-08T03:25:29Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > What happens if the father says “Nope!”? You write a [hit song](https://youtu.be/PIh2xe4jnpk?si=cIK3wvYRsxja9o50)! ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/72 "2026-01-08T03:26:02Z")
> [@HeyHomie](#): > > I think a lot of the marriage traditions that we cling to in the West, particularly among people who are at least _culturally_ Christian, are rather patriarchal but modern women just kind of look the other way. Like the father “giving the bride away,” or hell, even the ring itself. When I got married in 1989, the spouse wanted to have the wedding in a church. I wasn’t religious but didn’t particularly care, but I insisted if I agreed there would be no patriarchal traditions. No giving away the bride, no “love, honor, and obey,” we would both have wedding rings, no “you may kiss the bride” (we had “you may kiss”). And the spouse absolutely wasn’t going to ask my dad for permission for anything (he never brought it up, my relationship with my dad was great, but _I_ was the only one who got to give permission for me to get married). Everything went fine, nobody objected to anything, and we’re still married, so I guess my stubbornness didn’t hurt anything. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/73 "2026-01-08T03:45:06Z")
Two big noes from me. On my first date with my first wife, her father met me at the door with a gun, so we weren’t exactly close (we got along better later.) With my second wife, I hadn’t even met her parents when we got engaged. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/74 "2026-01-08T05:16:38Z")
> [@Infovore](#): > > . I wasn’t religious but didn’t particularly care, but I insisted if I agreed there would be no patriarchal traditions. No giving away the bride, no “love, honor, and obey,” we would both have wedding rings, no “you may kiss the bride” (we had “you may kiss”). And the spouse absolutely wasn’t going to ask my dad for permission for anything (he never brought it up, my relationship with my dad was great, but _I_ was the only one who got to give permission for me to get married). I was pleased to discover that reform Jewish weddings are surprisingly egalitarian. Each of the participants is escorted down the aisle by both their parents. The patriarchal stuff is all hidden in the Hebrew, which says something about “according to the laws and traditions of the Jewish people”, or some such. (Which _are_ patriarchal.) But the words each person says are the same. The chuppah is held up by whoever you want, but we had two groom’s attendants and two bride’s attendants, and that’s typical. The only really gendered thing is that the man breaks the glass. (I’ve seen a couple do it together, but that’s a recipe for stepping on each other’s feet.) The traditional Jewish wedding has the man giving the woman a ring (technically, he is buying her from herself, and she accepts the ring as payment) but the modern reform wedding has the couple exchange rings. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/75 "2026-01-08T12:50:02Z")
Your story is pretty much mine. Except it sounds like you were the woman of that couple, whereas I was the guy. Same ideas though. And no, I don’t see any of that as stubbornness. Unless you had to overcome objections from soon-to-be spouse. If she was still alive our 37th anniversary would be coming up soon. Yes, it worked as well as can be expected. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/76 "2026-01-08T13:02:35Z")
Heck no. My at the time my ‘girlfriend’ and I where sitting on the couch. We already owned property together. We knew we where going to get married at some point. Just hadn’t gotten around to it. My then girlfriend just said “We should probably get married” I said “OK” It was all very romantic /s That was 26 years ago. We are still going strong. ---
**Author:** ![phs3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8491ac/32.png) [@phs3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phs3)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/77 "2026-01-08T14:16:56Z")
Are you kidding? I barely asked _her_. We’d known each other six weeks, were having a conversation about a piece of jewelry I said I wanted to buy her, and all of a sudden she said, “Was that a marriage proposal?” and I had to think “Wait, what did I just say? Oh, right, ‘…and I want to spend the rest of my life with you’.” My uber-articulate response was something like “Um, I guess so?” We’re 38.5 years in, so we’re thinking it might work out. We did call her parents afterward, woke her mother up, gave her the news; her bleary response is a family legend: “Well, that’s nice, dear. You kids have fun and we’ll see you in a couple of weeks.” Then after she hung up she realized what we and she had said. No cellphones yet and we weren’t home, so she couldn’t call back; she wound up calling my wife’s sister and saying “I think I did a bad thing”. Of course it was so obvious to us that she wasn’t awake that we were just laughing, not upset. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/78 "2026-01-08T16:22:40Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > Both my wives’ fathers were long dead when we decided to get married. Their mothers were still alive. FLDS? ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/79 "2026-01-08T16:37:41Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > Your story is pretty much mine. Except it sounds like you were the woman of that couple, whereas I was the guy. Same ideas though. And no, I don’t see any of that as stubbornness. Unless you had to overcome objections from soon-to-be spouse. No objections whatsoever. He thought the whole patriarchal thing was stupid too, and I’ve always been a major tomboy. He’d just grown up in the Lutheran church, so he wanted a church wedding. At the time I hadn’t completely given up on religion yet, so I figured what the heck. Both our sets of parents had been married in Vegas (at the same place, coincidentally - the Little White Chapel) and I would have been fine with that. I was never about the ceremony. I just wanted to get married so we could get on with our lives. I’m not sentimental about wedding stuff and never have been. My parents gave me $2500 to spend on the wedding. We had money left over. Our reception was at a local pizza restaurant where we hung out a lot, and people still remember it fondly. Surprisingly, nobody from either set of parents (and both my mom and his dad were… shall we say… _opinionated_ normally) had a thing to say about any of our choices. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2026, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433/80 "2026-01-08T17:05:44Z")
It wasn’t always just surnames; back in the '80s my mother would still get letters addressed to ‘Mrs [Dad’s first name] [Dad’s surname]’, like a wife was just some kind of appendage. It used to annoy her somewhat. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-men-of-the-dope-did-you-ask-your-future-wifes-dad-for-permission-to-marry-her/1026433.md?page=5)