# Married (Unavailable) men and cheating **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 15, 2002, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734 "2002-04-15T14:04:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Watermelon\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/22d042/32.png) [@Watermelon\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Watermelon_Man)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/21 "2002-04-15T19:50:18Z")
I can venture to say if a man vcheats his SO its not only because he is a no good bastard, it might be because he is not actually too much in love with her, and the relationship is not serious enough… I can safely claim this was the case when I cheated my g/f at the time:) In fact I cheated her twice in a week, then decided to leave her for the second woman I cheated her with. That woman is now my wife, we have ben together for 5 years now, and I never even **think** of cheating her… [sub]Or maybe in my wildest fantasies I do… but never with the intention of actually doing the deed!! ---
**Author:** ![LolaBaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@LolaBaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaBaby)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/22 "2002-04-15T20:02:44Z")
I think most of the time it is to seek out something that is missing in the relationship. This goes for both men **and** women. I think there’s a myth that “all men are dogs” but there’s a fair share of women who indulge in infidelities also. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/23 "2002-04-15T20:24:51Z")
**Manda JO** , in her excellent post (just about every day **Manda JO** posts excellent stuff), wrote: > [@](#): > > Whenever a guy says \, I am convinced that the mental image he has in his mind is of Cameron Diaz waltzing down the street, men falling all over her. I think you will appreciate this story a friend of mine told me here in LA. Her partner lives across the street from an attractive woman from Holland. After the woman across the street broke up with her BF, it was almost a year before she found someone else. She claimed that no one would ask her out, and that she only had one or two dates during that time, and not because she was turning men down left and right, either. The woman was a former Miss Universe. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/24 "2002-04-15T21:26:15Z")
> [@](#): > > **(Fluffy)** I just find it hard to believe that if a married man had an attracive woman and the opportunity right in front of him that he would not act upon it, especially if he thought he would not get caught! Even if Cathy Rogers herself were naked and spreadeagled on the hood of one of her junkyard cars and begging me for it, I’d walk away. When I got married, I made a choice. I found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, the woman who matches me and/or complements me (that’s complements with an ‘e,’ as in filling in missing spaces, not praising with an ‘i’) better than any other I’ve known, the one who makes me a better person. I wouldn’t not cheat for the reasons offered by **sunacres** , i.e. not hurting my wife. No, it’s entirely selfish: it’s about not shooting my own long-term happiness in the head. No sexual encounter with a woman who isn’t my wife (even if it’s several hours of the best sex imaginable, and I have quite an imagination, believe me) is worth the inevitable lifetime of regret. Sadly, it’s true that some men don’t live this way, and can’t think beyond the next hour or two – but ain’t no way no how that’s true for all of us. ---
**Author:** ![Toaster52](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/50afbb/32.png) [@Toaster52](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toaster52)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/25 "2002-04-15T21:48:47Z")
Same here: I have never cheated on a GF or my wife. It was my wife who cheated on me. My fiance is, to be frank, a little bit overweight (I wish she would lose about 20 pounds, but then, I’M not a model, either), but I would never think of cheating on her. Clarification: if (say) Sandra Bullock were to come on to me (I wish) and literally grind her groin against mine, I suppose the thought would cross my mind. I mean, come on…But to act on that thought? Naaahhh…my sweetie means far too much for me in so many ways. ---
**Author:** ![Buliwyf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Buliwyf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buliwyf)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/26 "2002-04-15T21:57:57Z")
what does it say about our society today that someone would even post this question. I am a happily married man, with my first child on the way and I can honestly tell you that I wouldn’t even consider cheating on my wife. I don’t care how hot or beautiful, or sexy, or whatever the other woman is. Noone is worth my relationship and the trust of my wife. My own personal belief on this issue is that if you are even for one second able to think about cheating on the person you are married to then you should never have gotten married in the first place because you obviously are not mature enough to handle the responsibility inherent in a marriage. Everyone fantasizes, those who act on those fantasies do not deserve the love and trust of the one they are married to. Buliwyf ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/27 "2002-04-15T23:32:52Z")
Sure men cheat, but women cheat too. Sometimes men cheat with men & sometimes women cheat with women. Often people have this kinda unwritten rule that its assumed that they didn’t have sex with anyone else UNLESS the partner asks them if they did. So, they would have to ask daily if they had sex with anyone else , which is, well, not much fun. Sometimes they can make a rule they must tell each other if they have sex with anyone else. If people are ask if they cheat, you get a pretty low number of them saying ‘yes,’ but if you ask them if they know anyone who has cheated, you get a pretty high number of ‘yes’. (wink) ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2002, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/28 "2002-04-15T23:37:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by handy \* > \*\*If people are ask if they cheat, you get a pretty low number of them saying ‘yes,’ but if you ask > them if they know anyone who has cheated, you get a pretty high number of ‘yes’. (wink) \*\* Umm, yeah, but that’s because there’s only one of ‘you,’ but a bunch of ‘people you know.’ ---
**Author:** ![BooBoo316](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e0b2c6/32.png) [@BooBoo316](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BooBoo316)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/29 "2002-04-16T11:51:15Z")
In ten years, I have never cheated on my wife. I have had some very tempting offers, but I love my wife too much to do that to her. I don’t think I would be able to look at myself in the mirror anymore if I cheated on her. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d26b3c/32.png) [@UncleBill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBill)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/30 "2002-04-16T12:06:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fluffy \* > \*\* There are those that say that all men cheat at least once regardless of how happily married they are. I wonder if this is true. Any thoughts on this? \*\* Yes, those people are idiots. And if you believed, them, you would be considered one, too. ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/31 "2002-04-16T12:38:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Smitty \* > \*\* Almost every woman is at most 5 minutes away from getting laid whenever she wants. A man (unless he is rich, famous, or both) has to make an effort to get laid. A woman just has to accept one of the dozen offers a day she gets, or at most go down to the corner store and pick up a guy. > \*\* Gee, what fantasy world are you living in? Not being of the young, svelte and single variety anymore, I’m not getting even one offer a year…but when I was (young, svelte and single) I still wasn’t getting more than one offer a month…usually from drunk college boys whose performance was less than inspiring. However, I am so pleased to hear so many guys making a case for faithfulness. Wish my ex had been one of them. These are his reasons for cheating on me: “I was an immature, insecure guy who thought I needed the attention of other women to prove to myself that I was attractive and worthy. If I couldn’t succeed on the job because I wasn’t tall, confident and a West-Pointer, then I could show the other guys up by getting the women.” What he failed to notice was he had lost the respect of the other members of his unit (we were an Army family) because of his infidelity. The only guys who even remotely “admired” him were the drunk, single guys. And his behavior ultimately led to his losing his job, and he was shocked…absolutely shocked…when his best friend, best man at our wedding, refused to give him a good reference for a job. Said he couldn’t, in good faith, give a character reference to someone who would cheat on his wife and kids like that. Now THAT’s a good man…shoulda married him when he asked… Oddly enough, the ex has been faithful to the woman he left his family for…but she divorced him because she thought he had cheated on her. I love irony. Oh, and he calls me once a week to apologize for hurting me…we’ve been divorced for six years now. ---
**Author:** ![Fluffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Fluffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fluffy)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/32 "2002-04-16T12:52:00Z")
Great responses! Smitty- you pretty much summed up what I was thinking but couldnt express it as well as you did. Buliwyf- If you are wondering what this post says about society, just look at some of the responses in the thread! Manda Jo- You may be right in some of your observations. Like I said, recently divorced, Thirty-ish and maybe I am looking for confirmation out there that there are still decent men out there! Sunacres- It is interesting that when some men claim they would never cheat because “I love my kids” (not a bad reason, by the way) or “the wife would kick my ass” ect. Not my wife (relationship, whatever) means too much to risk. Again thanks for the great responses! Every single one of you have given me something to think about! ---
**Author:** ![Smitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Smitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smitty)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/33 "2002-04-16T12:53:15Z")
I’m living in the “fantasy world” of what I’ve been told by nearly every woman I’ve talked to about this. If it doesn’t hold true for you, well too bad. Sounds like a little bitterness there… ---
**Author:** ![Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4da419/32.png) [@Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gala_Matrix_Fire)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/34 "2002-04-16T13:43:22Z")
**kittenblue** , your post made my day! btw, I’m a 36-yr-old female, and although I never get _offers_ for fulfilling sexual encounters, I’m also positive that I could have _some kind_ of consensual sexual encounter with a man within the hour, no matter where I might be. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/35 "2002-04-16T13:43:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fluffy \* > \*\*So for you guys who are saying “No way no how” to cheating, are you saying that there is no conceivable scenario or situation that would even tempt you to cheat? I realize that being tempted and acting upon it are two different things. > I just find it hard to believe that if A married man had an attracive woman and the opportunity right in front of him that he would not act upon it, especially if he thought he would not get caught! Anybody Agree? \*\* Well, obviously predicting the future is a tough call. For instance, I might say, “I would never commit suicide,” or “I would never kill another human, except in defense of an innocent’s life,” and who knows what bizarre circumstances might ensue that would make those predictions wrong? But as best as I can imagine right now, in even the most horrendous of circumstances, I wouldn’t do those things. Similarly, I cannot imagine a realistic circumstance that would have me cheating on my wife. In bizarro-world, where I’m told I have to bang a super-model or the evil villain will destory the world… well, I think it’s sfae to describe such scenarios as unrealistic. But if a gorgeous chick made it clear that she was just lookjing for sex, no strings attached, one time only, and my wife would never ever find out… nope. No chance. Why would I risk the love of my life, and my family, for one night of anything? And it is a risk, notwithstanding any guarantees that might exist, because _I_ would know. And I would tell, because that’s the agreement I made, and if I can’t trust _me_ to keep my own agreements, I’m not of too much value as a human being, am I? - Rick ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/36 "2002-04-16T14:07:49Z")
I’m a man. I was cheated on by my then live-in GF. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Me? I’m a one at a time man. ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/37 "2002-04-16T14:09:44Z")
I’m too clingy to ever cheat on someone. Let that be a warning to any future gf’s or wives of mine. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![seawitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@seawitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seawitch)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/38 "2002-04-16T14:24:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Smitty \* > \*\*I’m living in the “fantasy world” of what I’ve been told by nearly every woman I’ve talked to about this. If it doesn’t hold true for you, well too bad. Sounds like a little bitterness there… \*\* So any experience that differs from your personal survey is caused by bitterness? Sounds like a little bitterness on your part, too, if you believe that all women can get sex any time they want and no man can do so. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/39 "2002-04-16T14:29:30Z")
ALL men? Well, that may be so in the Jimmy Carter sense, i.e. having “lusted in our hearts.” But really, we seem to be underestimated in this sense. Very many of us are perfectly capable of monogamy. As to the old “she can get it any time she wants, he has to get it any time he can” canard, well, that has been dealt with above – SOME women could get it any time they wanted, IF they wanted. But not all. And not all men feel they HAVE GOT TO get it every chance they have. (I know I don’t go around propositioning random women, or jumping at every chance). ---
**Author:** ![Ms.Lois](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Ms.Lois](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms.Lois)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2002, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734/40 "2002-04-16T15:33:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by spooje \* > \*\*I’m a man. I was cheated on by my then live-in GF. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. > > Me? I’m a one at a time man. \*\* **spooje** sums up my position on the possibility of me cheating - it hurt so much I couldn’t do that to someone I cared about. It just isn’t going to happen. My ex-husband was unfaithful, and accused me of cheating as an excuse for his behavior. I have not ever in my entire life cheated. I’m not sure which hurt more - his cheating, or his accusation.:wally FWIW, I call myself a _serial monogamist_ . One relationship at a time, though I have lusted in my heart. I have found through fulfilling other fantasies, that the actual experience rarely lives up to the original fantasy, so that’s another incentive not to cheat. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-unavailable-men-and-cheating/103734.md?page=3)