# Married Women: Would you have said 'no' without a ring **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 27, 2010, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703 "2010-02-27T23:36:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/81 "2010-03-01T17:32:42Z")
I could care less about jewelry. I do have a diamond ring, but only because my husband insisted (and it had a modest price tag too). I paid less than $100 for his band. Some women find it important, and if you have the money, I see nothing wrong with it. I do get a little bit ill when I see women trying to flash their oversized finger-bling off though - as if to say “look how much money we have - I’m so special” but instead I’m thinking “wow, wonder how much credit card debt that racked up - what a joke”. I despise displays of wealth. I simply don’t get off on material things. ---
**Author:** ![nilum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ed8c4c/32.png) [@nilum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nilum)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/82 "2010-03-01T19:07:34Z")
Okay. I’ve gotten a lot more feedback on this than I thought I would. I think I should make myself clear though. Just because a girl wants an expensive ring doesn’t mean she’s not my type or greedy or whatever. I know that might seem counterintuitive, but it really isn’t. Think about how many nice and thoughtful girls grow up watching television and movies making little girls think that is how a proposal is going to be, and that’s how much men spend for a ring, etc. Men of course are just as aware of the propaganda and have to make it a point not to disappoint when that time comes. So no I don’t think girls who want an expensive ring are necessarily gold diggers and I don’t think that men who buy those rings are always desperate with no confidence in themselves. I think that we live in a world that is naïve and too attached to tradition. Like another poster said… this is a different demographic. Very much different from my friends on facebook. I wouldn’t say that those girls aren’t my type because we don’t share the same value about tradition, because if I did that my selection of women would be so narrow that I might as well forget about marriage altogether. So I don’t agree with the proposition that if I am with someone who expects an expensive ring then obviously we’re not compatible and shouldn’t be together because our values differ on that one issue. It’s just unfortunate that this is what our commercials, TV dramas, and movies have promised impressionable people. Yes, the media is very influential. Maybe not on you, but on many others. That might make them a little naïve, but I still love my girlfriend even though she thinks that her wedding is going to cost some insane amount of money. While I’m sure she wouldn’t say ‘no’ to me, it would be disappointing to her. That’s what really pisses me off. Not that I am thinking of getting married any time soon. It’s just when someone you know gets married it often gets brought up in your own relationship. So somehow I feel expected to up the ante if that time ever comes. Also, I do feel like a lot of you guys. Unless it was synthetic or ‘clean’ as someone else put it, I wouldn’t buy the diamond. The price of the diamond is much higher than it should be, and there is no visible difference between an artificial diamond and a real one. In fact a professional appraiser can’t tell the difference so they have to use some sort of scanner to find impurities. But I wouldn’t feel right lying to my girlfriend if I ever bought her a diamond ring. So it’s probably going to be a real one. If it ever happens… ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/83 "2010-03-01T19:49:09Z")
Let’s see. To start with, she asked me. We did end up getting rings (and fairly expensive ones), but both of us have both engagement and wedding rings. (I wear my engagement ring on my right hand because the two would be horribly clashy worn together.) ---
**Author:** ![WarmNPrickly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@WarmNPrickly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WarmNPrickly)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/84 "2010-03-01T20:14:14Z")
> [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](#): > > What I’ve always wondered about is those very public offers of engagement–skywriters, etc. You’re gonna say no in those circumstances? I really strongly agree. There is nothing romantic about throwing your loved one into the spotlight and asking the question. I guess you can do it if her answer is unambiguously clear, but then in reality, the question has already been asked. The question should be asked low key and intimately (that doesn’t mean sexually intimate). ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/85 "2010-03-01T20:17:02Z")
I don’t have a problem with cubic zirconias, either. It’s just like a diamond, except it was made in a lab instead of in the earth? And it costs 1/10th the price so I can wear it and not have to worry about losing it, and no African miners were exploited for it? Sign me up! ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/86 "2010-03-01T20:40:36Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > I just want to point out, that an engagement ring is not required to be a prong-set Solitaire. It can be anything you like and would wear. “Engagement ring” =/= some particular style of ring. My grandmother’s ring (not an engagement ring) wasn’t a prong-set solitaire either. The mere fact that you’ve got chunks of rock sitting on top of the band makes it too high to be able to use my hands without getting it caught on everything. It got caught on drawers, my locker door, my clothes… after less than a year I finally just took it off for good, because it had gotten yanked so many times, the ring had become a squashed oblong oval, instead of round (it was yellow gold, which didn’t help its durability). The setting was a series of semi-precious stone chips, and the highest it got was less than 1/8 inch above my finger. If that sucker isn’t _flat_ against my finger, it will get caught on everything. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/87 "2010-03-01T20:57:46Z")
I think it’s got a lot to do with your reasons for wanted to get married. I was engaged before, ring and all, and with that guy I just wanted to be married. I was rapidly approaching 30 with external and internal clocks ticking increasingly louder by the minute. I knew deep down I wasn’t going to stay with that guy but goddammit even if I didn’t _st ay_ married, I was still going to _get_ married! In that situation, I wanted the ring. I wouldn’t have said no if he hadn’t proposed _with_ it, but we would’ve been at the jewlery store that same day, or at least the next morning. And it would’ve had to be diamonds. But that was because I wanted to _get_ married and have everything that brought with it (ring, wedding, ect), not that I wanted to _be_ married to this man in particular. Fast forward a few years. I’ve sinced calmed down about societal expectations and began to date someone I care very, _very_ deeply about. Madly in love and have every belief that I will spend the rest of my life with this person. Couldn’t care less about a fancy engagment ring. If he does propose (fingers crossed), I’d want a ring as a symbol of the engagement. Doesn’t have to be fancy, doesn’t even have to be diamond. I’d happily rock a cubic zirconia or colored gemstone, just to have the symbolism. So for me, there’s a definate correlation between jewelry expectations and reasons for the desired commitment. ---
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/88 "2010-03-01T21:18:52Z")
I don’t like diamonds, and I’d much prefer some sort of turqouise or a cool, unusual ring. Perhaps something vintage or a family heirloom that had a lot of history and meaning. I also think quirky proposals are ridiculously romantic (like proposing with an empty box, as in _Knocked Up_, or when Danny Rand hid the ring for Misty in a box of chinese takeout in _Iron Fist_). If a guy got me a huge honking diamond ring, I’d accept if IF I accepted him, but I’d rather have a prettier and cheaper semi-precious gemstone or a plain silver/white gold band. ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/89 "2010-03-01T23:13:48Z")
Not a chance (would I have turned him down without a ring, I mean). Wasn’t really applicable in our case since I asked him, but I specifically told him I didn’t want any kind of engagement ring. I think it’s ludicrous to spend that kind of money on a bauble (no offense to anyone–that’s just my own opinion). I also don’t like what it symbolizes to me–the whole “Look everybody! I caught a man, and look what he spent on me!” thing. No, thanks. My wedding ring is very simple (and cool–it’s made of titanium and carbon fiber, and he’s got one to match). But then, we’re kind of a weird couple. 21 years married and 25 together, though, so we must be doing something right. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/90 "2010-03-02T02:50:29Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I don’t have a problem with cubic zirconias, either. It’s just like a diamond, except it was made in a lab instead of in the earth? And it costs 1/10th the price so I can wear it and not have to worry about losing it, and no African miners were exploited for it? Sign me up! Not me. I’m not all that attached to diamonds, but I’d rather have a gemstone-less ring than a ring with a fake gemstone. I might feel differently if I’d seen more cubic zirconia substituting for diamond in sizes similar to diamonds normal people wear. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/91 "2010-03-02T04:10:41Z")
> [@nilum](#): > > While I’m sure she wouldn’t say ‘no’ to me, it would be disappointing to her. That’s what really pisses me off. Not that I am thinking of getting married any time soon. It’s just when someone you know gets married it often gets brought up in your own relationship. So somehow I feel expected to up the ante if that time ever comes. > > [snip] > But I wouldn’t feel right lying to my girlfriend if I ever bought her a diamond ring. So it’s probably going to be a real one. If it ever happens… You know, you don’t really sound like you want to marry her. “But all my friends are doing it” is not a reason to get married. But if you do get to that point, or possibly sooner in a hypothetical sort of way, you might want to bring this up as a conversation. “I’ve heard a lot of women prefer to pick out their own engagement rings…you know, synthetic diamonds don’t have blood on them!” I dunno, it just seems like most of the guys I know who end up happily married are thinking _She’s the woman for me! I’d be an idiot not to marry her!_, not _Well, I guess…_ ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/92 "2010-03-02T04:16:09Z")
> [@Eureka](#): > > Not me. I’m not all that attached to diamonds, but I’d rather have a gemstone-less ring than a ring with a fake gemstone. > > I might feel differently if I’d seen more cubic zirconia substituting for diamond in sizes similar to diamonds normal people wear. Here’s some inspiration. 🙂 [http://www.wedge.net/images/tsav3stone.jpg](http://www.wedge.net/images/tsav3stone.jpg) (the ring is far more sparkly in person. The stones look a bit dull in this picture.) The side stones are 1/3 ct Moissanite. They’re actually more sparkly than diamonds, the second hardest stone (after diamonds) and are manufactured crystals that are naturally found in minute size at meteor impact sites. Chemically, they are Silicon Carbide. The center stone is a natural green Tsavorite garnet. To be clear, CZ, like Moissanite, is not a manufactured diamond, it is a diamond _simulant_ (it looks like a diamond). There are manufactured diamonds which are chemically as much a diamond as one that is mined. If you buy a manufactured sapphire, it is entirely a sapphire, not a piece of blue glass. Thus the distinction between manmade gems, and fake/costume ones. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/93 "2010-03-02T05:00:23Z")
With the caveat of not having been married, but of having had several proposals over the years…I’ll throw my opinion in there that I, personally, don’t care about rings, at all, except in what they mean to the person giving them to me. If the man really wanted to be all traditional, and could manage to find a ring I _liked_ \, then I’d be happy to wear whatever meant the most to him symbolically…provided it wasn’t something I was TOTALLY against, like some huge fricking rock, or something that was just…yuck. Gaudy. I appreciate other people’s sense of tradition, despite not having much of my own. Knowing that someone really CARED about what they were giving me would mean much more than what it actually WAS. However…if a loved one came to me, completely out of the blue, with something that only meant ‘expensive’, it clearly wouldn’t be working out. The thought really does matter more than the cash outlay. ---
**Author:** ![nilum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ed8c4c/32.png) [@nilum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nilum)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/94 "2010-03-02T06:54:57Z")
> [@dangermom](#): > > You know, you don’t really sound like you want to marry her. “But all my friends are doing it” is not a reason to get married. But if you do get to that point, or possibly sooner in a hypothetical sort of way, you might want to bring this up as a conversation. “I’ve heard a lot of women prefer to pick out their own engagement rings…you know, synthetic diamonds don’t have blood on them!” > > I dunno, it just seems like most of the guys I know who end up happily married are thinking _She’s the woman for me! I’d be an idiot not to marry her!_, not _Well, I guess…_ Firstly, I love my girlfriend to death. She’s the most beautiful, outgoing, and sincere person that I know. Do I want to marry her? I don’t know. It’s not as easy of a decision as you make it out to be. She is also Christian and I am an atheist. We haven’t had any discussion yet as to how we would raise our kids if we had a family and I think that’s pretty important. There are a lot more factors involved unfortunately than just love. I think that even though we have some different values marriage is still a possibility. Also, we’ve only been dating for a year. Maybe for some of you that’s enough time, but for me it’s not. Getting married because a friend is doing it IS a stupid reason to get married, and it should be obvious that it’s not what I intend to do. I was saying that in these cases it gets brought up… as in she reveals what she wants or expects from a marriage or proposal. Suffice it to say that she has some unrealistic expectations and even though she doesn’t say it, there are at least some expectations to match what a close friend has spent if not exceed it (Maybe that’s just my competitive nature though). I know I used a lot of ‘ifs’ and I used them because obviously I am unsure at this moment about marriage. That doesn’t mean that we can’t be happy together as a married couple or that I won’t eventually be sure about it. You could argue that in most cases that you know of it didn’t work out unless the guy was sure right off the bat. But I doubt you know enough people or enough about them in each case to really give me a good idea of whether that is statistically significant. It certainly wouldn’t be significant enough for me to call off any plans I might have. I certainly wouldn’t _not_ propose to her because someone else told me from there experience it doesn’t work out… even if they were a close friend. I don’t base my decisions on someone else’s experiences. You might say that’s a little hypocritical because I am clearly asking for help deciding on whether or not to buy an expensive ring, but I’m really not. This was really kind of a rant because I was pissed off at my friend for telling my girlfriend how much he spent on his wife’s ring. I think I was just trying to make it a point to myself that it wasn’t important, and on this forum it seems that you all mostly agree with that. On facebook though the more naïve crowd seems to think it’s pretty important and some are telling me that 3-4 months salary is the norm today which is a little hard to believe. Mind you I make a lot more than my friend does, and $3000 still seems like a lot of money and I do think he is going to be regretting spending so much. Should I talk to my girlfriend about it? Of course. I’m a sensible guy and of course I am going to ask her eventually. Doing it now though might be scary for her(and me) if she’s not ready yet or it might give her some expectations for a proposal in the near future, so for now I am going to drop the subject. I might seem like a guy who is afraid of commitment, but I’m really not. I’ve never even had the slightest inkling of cheating on my girlfriend and I have a tendency to completely ignore other women when I’m in a relationship. I’m actually already very committed to her, but I still need to figure some things out. I don’t really know everything that needs to be figured out before I am ready, but I think I’ll know when the time is right. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/95 "2010-03-02T09:51:30Z")
> [@norinew](#): > > WThat’s how I got my ‘engagement’ ring (which came a couple of years after the actual wedding!), and my ring is an 18k gold ‘squared’ band, 1/3ct oval solitaire flanked by 1/4ct pear-shaped solitaires. It’s beautiful, and unique in that it’s not the ‘traditional’ one-solitaire-set-in-gold thing. If there is more than one stone, they’re not solitaires, are they? ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/96 "2010-03-02T11:03:41Z")
> [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > Let’s see. To start with, she asked me. We did end up getting rings (and fairly expensive ones), but both of us have both engagement and wedding rings. (I wear my engagement ring on my right hand because the two would be horribly clashy worn together.) Also of note: a) no diamonds were involved (my engagement ring is a sapphire - my favorite, and my birthstone - aside from the ethical issues, I don’t even particularly like diamonds); b) no prong settings to get caught on anything (bezel settings are a wonderful thing); and c) although the rings weren’t exactly cheapo, all 4 together still aren’t anywhere near the insane “3 months’ salary” benchmark that DeBeers would like to impose. Hey, that could have been (and was) down payment money! ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/97 "2010-03-02T13:13:30Z")
Well, **nilum** , you seem like a nice guy with a good head on your shoulders. If you two do end up tying the knot, I have no doubt you will do so at the right time. There is NO need to rush things. **Sr. Olives** and I were together four years before we got married. The timing was perfect. ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/98 "2010-03-02T17:21:01Z")
Obligatory [del]xkcd.[/del] [Heart of the city](http://www.gocomics.com/heartofthecity/2010/03/02/)? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/99 "2010-03-02T17:46:14Z")
**Tom** , what does your engagement ring look like? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703/100 "2010-03-02T18:50:51Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > **Tom** , what does your engagement ring look like? Silver, with a sort of leafy pattern carved all around it. My actual wedding ring is double-width, but the engagement ring is what I think of as a normal width for a ring. (We actually ordered one that was double width as well, thinking it would be more manly, but there was a mixup in the order and I liked the one that we got (though we had to exchange it for one that was a bit bigger)). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/married-women-would-you-have-said-no-without-a-ring/530703.md?page=6)