# Marrying/Sleeping With a Man Whose Troubles are Greater than Your Own **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 15, 2017, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marrying-sleeping-with-a-man-whose-troubles-are-greater-than-your-own/796410 "2017-09-15T17:28:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2017, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marrying-sleeping-with-a-man-whose-troubles-are-greater-than-your-own/796410/1 "2017-09-15T17:28:46Z")
This is based on a famous Nelson Algren quote that came up recently in another thread. But the more famous version (and that quoted in the thread) is advice to a man to be wary of such a woman. I see from looking around a bit that the original [may have been gender neutral](http://www.thisdayinquotes.com/2011/05/never-play-cards-with-man-called-doc.html), but at any rate the “… a woman …” version seems to be more common. So the question is: is there a difference? I would speculate that their might be. Because women are more relationship oriented, on average, and as a result are more likely to lean on the relationship to help them deal with their troubles. So that her troubles are pretty soon going to be his troubles. A similarly troubled man might be more inclined to keep it to himself and the impact on his spouse/partner might be less (though there could be some less visible impact). ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2017, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marrying-sleeping-with-a-man-whose-troubles-are-greater-than-your-own/796410/2 "2017-09-15T17:37:24Z")
I think this advice should apply equally to both genders. (The voice of experience speaking.) There are some troubles that a man cannot “keep to himself,” like being out of work, being an alcoholic/drug addict, being depressed, having nutso and destructive parents/siblings/other family. The impact of those troubles will be highly visible. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2017, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marrying-sleeping-with-a-man-whose-troubles-are-greater-than-your-own/796410/3 "2017-09-15T17:43:40Z")
OMG. Me too, **ThelmaLou.** Having spent way too much time with men with whom I should not have spent time, I suggest that this saying should be/is perfectly gender neutral. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2017, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marrying-sleeping-with-a-man-whose-troubles-are-greater-than-your-own/796410/4 "2017-09-15T17:57:16Z")
> [@Fotheringay-Phipps](#): > > This is based on a famous Nelson Algren quote that came up recently in another thread. But the more famous version (and that quoted in the thread) is advice to a man to be wary of such a woman. I see from looking around a bit that the original [may have been gender neutral](http://www.thisdayinquotes.com/2011/05/never-play-cards-with-man-called-doc.html), but at any rate the “… a woman …” version seems to be more common. > > So the question is: is there a difference? > > I would speculate that their might be. Because women are more relationship oriented, on average, and as a result are more likely to lean on the relationship to help them deal with their troubles. So that her troubles are pretty soon going to be his troubles. A similarly troubled man might be more inclined to keep it to himself and the impact on his spouse/partner might be less (though there could be some less visible impact). You can flip it the other way, too: because a woman is more likely to be economically dependent on a man to provide for herself and her children, a man with troubles is less likely to be able to provide and should be avoided. As always, it’s much more about individuals than stark gender differences (and the nature of the troubles, of course). ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2017, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marrying-sleeping-with-a-man-whose-troubles-are-greater-than-your-own/796410/5 "2017-09-15T18:44:56Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > As always, it’s much more about individuals than stark gender differences (and the nature of the troubles, of course). Of course. And I wasn’t thinking of major issues like no job or drug/alcohol abuse either - these are obviously going to influence everyone in such a relationship. I was thinking more along the lines of relatively minor issues like having a difficult boss or the like. ---
**Author:** ![mixdenny](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mixdenny/32/2962_2.png) [@mixdenny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mixdenny)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2017, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marrying-sleeping-with-a-man-whose-troubles-are-greater-than-your-own/796410/6 "2017-09-15T19:24:12Z")
I remember it as “Never sleep with someone crazier then you are”, or is that a different author? Dennis ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2017, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marrying-sleeping-with-a-man-whose-troubles-are-greater-than-your-own/796410/7 "2017-09-15T19:26:55Z")
Surely there is all the difference in the world between marrying vs sleeping with someone as to the importance of this. ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2017, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/marrying-sleeping-with-a-man-whose-troubles-are-greater-than-your-own/796410/8 "2017-09-15T21:20:02Z")
If it’s gender-neutral, does that mean everyone needs to find a mate whose troubles are _exactly_ as bad as theirs?