# Massacre your favourite literature with a limerick **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 24, 2003, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812 "2003-03-24T17:20:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/121 "2003-03-29T01:58:32Z")
**Dune Messiah** Bad enough I can’t stop the Jihad Though the Fremen all think I am God I get betrayed and blinded By the radically-minded And some dweeb Mahdi-wannabe sod **Children of Dune** Well at least we can’t say that you’re lazy Even though you are certainly crazy But you really should cease Hurting nephew and niece Just because your own future is hazy ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/122 "2003-03-29T05:40:50Z")
**Being There** – Jerzy Kosinski Chauncey’s a man of the simplest conviction – A guru on gardening, if not on eviction. His green-thumbed drivel Mistook as Delphic oracle; Now the idiot’s in the the November election! ---
**Author:** ![Futile\_Gesture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f05b48/32.png) [@Futile\_Gesture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Futile_Gesture)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/123 "2003-03-29T18:34:42Z")
Wasp Factory - Iain Banks Tis true this boy’s hobbies all stank The victims of sadistic prank He’d kill cousin and furries Due to manhoodly worries Cos this boy’s a girl to be Frank. Paddy Clark, Ha, Ha, Ha - Roddy Doyle Paddy Clark lives with his ma Paddy Clark’s got no da Good man, good man blighted Of Barrytown United All together now; ha, ha, ha ---
**Author:** ![Futile\_Gesture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f05b48/32.png) [@Futile\_Gesture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Futile_Gesture)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/124 "2003-03-29T19:16:00Z")
Fever Pitch - Nick Hornby A boy supports the Ars-e-nal And so begins a lifelong fall Some games a score More games a bore And nothing much happens at all Life Of Pi - Yann Martel There once was a lad from the zoo Set adrift on the Pacific blue What helped him survive Was his tiger alive Or not, we don’t know that’s true A Prayer For Owen Meany - John Irving THERE ONCE WAS A BOY OF SMALL STATURE WHOSE VOICE SOUNDED OF FRACTURE I KNOW WHEN I’LL END HE SAID TO HIS FRIEND BUT WE’LL AVOID VIETNAM CAPTURE ---
**Author:** ![HeyHomie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heyhomie/32/207_2.png) [@HeyHomie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeyHomie)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/125 "2003-03-29T20:17:36Z")
**Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone** , by J.K. Rowling: There once was a young British lad, Who learned: magic powers he had! Said he, with a snort, As he outfoxed Vol-de-Mort “You’re that asswipe who killed Mum and Dad!” **Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets** by J.K. Rowling: Our young British lad is named Harry, And his next adventure was quite scary! In the Chamber of Secrets he defeated, A giant snake, and he succeeded In saving Ginny (who I think he’ll marry) **Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban** by J.K. Rowling: Harry’s next book involves a big dog, And Cho, whom he wants to snog, The dog’s not all bad, (He’s a friend of his dad!) But it doesn’t end there [cue the fog…] **Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire** by J.K. Rowling: In the next book Harry competes in a game, The Triwizard Cup, which brings great acclaim, But oh no! It’s a trap, By Vol-de-Mort, sneaky chap! But Harry escapes all the same. **Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix** , by J.K. Rowling: What happens next? We don’t know. Will Harry finally snog that girl Cho? Will Dumbledore die? :eek: Or that Hagrid guy? :eek: Or will they all drink a glass of Merlot? ---
**Author:** ![Futile\_Gesture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f05b48/32.png) [@Futile\_Gesture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Futile_Gesture)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2003, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/126 "2003-03-29T21:20:23Z")
Hitchhickers Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams Since this was a cottage knocked down It’s resident’s been a bit of a clown He crosses the galaxy In search of some tea But never take off of his gown The Dice Man - Luke Rhinehart This man’s no decision maker Defers results to his shaker The choice is the dice Be it nasty or nice So you’re excused for being a faker. Great Apes - Will Self A monkey world’s no joke When you’re used to life among folk A man slept dead limp And woke as a chimp That happens when you do too much coke The Little Friend - Donna Tartt A girl one day resolved Her brother’s death she’d solve She messed with a snake A poor choice to make With speed adled rednecks involved. ---
**Author:** ![Futile\_Gesture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f05b48/32.png) [@Futile\_Gesture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Futile_Gesture)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2003, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/127 "2003-03-30T12:04:08Z")
Excession - Iain M. Banks Something is found that’s unknown And to it the Culture has flown The people and Minds Are amazed what they finds It was there and now it has gone 2001 A Space Odyssey - Arthur C Clarke The computer’s becoming a brat And the crew is smelling a rat They’re out beyond Mars And it’s full of stars But sorry Dave, I cannot do that The Chrysalids - John Wyndham The mutants are the devil’s creation In a world of post radiation So Telepaths best Make tracks like the rest And join the New Zealand nation Life Of Pi - Yann Martel (fixed from above) There once was a lad from the zoo Set adrift on the Pacific blue What helped him survive Was his tiger alive Or not, we don’t know if that’s true Hitchhickers Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams (fixed from above) Since this was a cottage knocked down Its resident’s been a bit of a clown In search of some tea He’ll cross galaxy But never takes off of his gown The Little Friend - Donna Tartt (fixed from above) A girl one day did resolve Her brother’s death she would solve She messed with a snake A poor choice to make With speed adled rednecks involved. ---
**Author:** ![MarkGross](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee7513/32.png) [@MarkGross](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MarkGross)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/128 "2003-03-31T19:30:59Z")
Some Seuss (with apologies): **One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish** I submit: one and two, red and blue Along with an old and a new Plus the one with a star And one driving a car Were just some of the fish that Seuss knew **The Foot Book** I know that I might take some heat But my son finds this book quite a treat Whether left or the right In the day or the night Seuss’s rhymes are a wonderful feat 😃 **Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?** Oh the wonderful sounds he can do Mr. Brown has a really good moo He makes noises quite frightening like thunder and lightning It’s not hard, shouldn’t you try them too? ---
**Author:** ![tool462](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e5b9ba/32.png) [@tool462](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tool462)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2003, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/129 "2003-03-31T20:19:05Z")
LOTR - J.R.R. Tolkien Life’s about spent for the Ents With no baby Ent-boys or Ent-ettes Their speech is so slow, It’s no wonder, you know, That all of the bored Ent-wives left. Catch-22, Joseph Keller No offense intended! Yossarian, the brave bombadier, Came down with a bad case of fear. Too many missions Led him to wishin’ That he had just acted more queer. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/130 "2003-04-01T01:36:29Z")
**Enemy At the Gates: The Battle for Stalingrad** by William Craig The fall of '42: a key historical moment. Von Paulus took the town, but was ordered to hold it. When the Reds closed in, The German 6th was _fin_… Oh, and the snipers? They’re scarcely in it! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/131 "2003-04-01T01:52:09Z")
**Republic of Fear** by “Samir al-Khalil” (1989) This chilling underground expose of the Ba’th is The “Mene, mene, tekel, parsin” of the '90’s. On the tyrant deranged, How little has changed… And now we fight him again… oh, the pathos! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/132 "2003-04-01T02:13:03Z")
**The Sum of All Fears** by Tom Clancy That a loose nuke makes a _jihaddist_ our equal, Is demonstrated on Denver – raising our pique well. The President, gone hysterical Attempts revenge most inimical… But what will deter them from pulling a sequel? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/133 "2003-04-01T02:27:07Z")
**The Graduate** by Charles Webb Trust me, the novel suffers by comparison To the _summer of love_ cinema icon, With Nichols’ puckish wits, And S&G’s folkish hits. Well, at least the novel has Mrs. Robinson! ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/134 "2003-04-01T02:29:49Z")
The Vampire Lestat [spoiler]I was an actor and quite intellectual til against Magnus I proved ineffectual I don’t miss so much being a feller but if you see Ms. Rice please kindly tell her That not everyone on Earth is bisexual![/spoiler/ The Vampire Chronicles We’re Eurotrash creatures of night whose stories our dear Ms. Rice writes while she’s some good scenes to her credit she should let her publishers edit because we’re starting to suck and to bite Confederacy of Dunces (1) My name is Ignatius J. Reilly, or “Lance”, in my Working Boy’s Diary, I shall be your soul’s salve if I could just open my valve Til then we’re in Protestant hell, wet and fiery. Confederacy of Dunces (2) While a working boy at Levy Pants I charmed the Negroes when I started to dance “Proletariat arm!” I did cry it but alas it did cause a race riot but by selling weinies my weltanschaung I’ll advance. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/135 "2003-04-01T02:49:58Z")
**A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius** by Dave Eggers My futile stabs [2!] at this insistent tome made me feel like an intellectual McWeenie, Like I’d lost 27 I.Q. points, or was wearing a short-attention-span beanie. Clever po-mo touches aside, And authorial tone on the snide, I’d have more fun learning tennis, writing a thesis… or editing this lim’rick just a teenie. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/136 "2003-04-01T03:14:33Z")
**Fanny Hill, Or Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure** by John Cleland (1749) This smutty romp through England-turned-Sodom, ‘Tis like the whore’s view of [post]-Pepys’ London. Even the unnamed **fellatio** Enjoys its due ratio, After some eye-opening schooling by the madam. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/137 "2003-04-01T03:17:19Z")
oops, I meant to italicize _fellatio_… mods, can you fix it? _I lost my head while HTML-ing on an X-rated book most compelling!_ ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/138 "2003-04-01T03:27:44Z")
**The Wizard of Oz** Ms. Garland by all was adored As into the sunset she soared But she kicked it, because While she visited Oz She never checked out Betty Ford **Cocktail** When life starts to write you bad checks Try your best not to stay very vexed Keep in mind you can’t lose With an excess of booze And constant anonymous sex ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/139 "2003-04-01T03:28:14Z")
**Shogun** by James Clavell After Captain Blackthorne lands in “the Japannes,” he Learns that where swords are sharp, one’s wits must also be. Despite difficulties and strife, He enjoys the samurai life, And with Mariko, finds that heat comes from more than wasabi! ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2003, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/140 "2003-04-01T03:34:31Z")
**Forrest Gump** For my bountiful life I give thanks As I join with the fortunate ranks Through kindness and tears I’ve gained much through the years (Plus it helps if you look like Tom Hanks!) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812.md?page=8)