# Massacre your favourite literature with a limerick **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 24, 2003, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812 "2003-03-24T17:20:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2003, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/161 "2003-04-02T19:06:46Z")
Gone With the Wind Scarlett read the daily paper’s remains Seeking truth from battle refrains Told Rhett at the dance To expect help from France Said Rhett “Newspapers addle women’s brains” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2003, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/162 "2003-04-02T19:38:35Z")
The works of J.L. Borges A fab Argentine name of Jorges For rhythme’s sake had the surname of Borges He outlasted Evita in time but by then was quite blind so in his works he made of colors an orgy A Christmas Memory by Truman Capote I declare Buddy, it’s now fruitcake weather You know sweetie I wonder just whether the president ate our cake it took our last cent to make but who cares as long as we stay together Oedipus Rex There was once a young king (chorus strophe) who took for his wife quite a trophy He became first king of Thebes but he left King of dweebs and one blind motherf\*cka (antistrophe) ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2003, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/163 "2003-04-02T19:45:36Z")
**The Count of Monte Cristo** Behold the Count of Monte Cristo, A poor sailorman turned aristo. He escaped the Bastille, Sweet revenge he did deal, Then he and Haydee hit the disco. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2003, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/164 "2003-04-02T20:13:20Z")
**The Andromeda Strain** by Michael Chrichton The once was a meteor from space as small as a little flea’s face. It could turn blood to genetic mud in three seconds flat post haste! ---
**Author:** ![Linty\_Fresh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Linty\_Fresh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linty_Fresh)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/165 "2003-04-03T00:03:36Z")
**The Collected Works of the Marquis de Sade** When faced with your floggin’ and porkin’ We can tell that your brain ain’t workin’ You think you’re so tough But you’ll soon cry enough If you pull this with Andrea Dworkin ---
**Author:** ![HeyHomie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heyhomie/32/207_2.png) [@HeyHomie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeyHomie)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/166 "2003-04-03T13:29:18Z")
**Charley and the Chocolate Factory** by Roald Dahl: There once was a lad name of Charley. Wretchedly poor, he ate nothing but barley. But that all changed when he veered Into a fact’ry most weird But now he owns it! Ain’t that just gnarley? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2003, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/167 "2003-04-03T14:06:59Z")
More Dr. Suess: Marvin K. Mooney Mooney, Marvin K. Will you please go away. The reference’s too late. The world’s post-Watergate. You’re based on Nixon. \* Oy veh! \*. ---
**Author:** ![HeyHomie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heyhomie/32/207_2.png) [@HeyHomie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeyHomie)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/168 "2003-04-04T04:05:37Z")
**In God We Trust; All Others Pay Cash** by Jean Shepard: A writer and friend reminisce About childhood days that they miss Of guns, tops and toys Of boys being boys And Ollie Hoopnoodle’s Haven of Bliss. **A Beautiful Mind** by Sylvia Nasar: John Nash: Mathmetician most wise Had a problem he couldn’t disguise A disease that gets in ya: Paranoid Schizophrenia But he still won that big Nobel Prize! ---
**Author:** ![Pixiesnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2003, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/169 "2003-04-04T08:02:59Z")
**Jane Eyre** by Charlotte Bronte Sorry for no spoiler code, but I’m still new and don’t know how! Anyway, ahem… Jane Eyre went through heartbreak and strife when she found out her beau had a wife. Though the woman was mad, Rochester was still a cad, and now he’s crippled for life! ---
**Author:** ![Abby215](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a4c791/32.png) [@Abby215](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abby215)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/170 "2003-07-26T02:20:56Z")
_The Mists of Avalon_ Morgaine, she was raised as a Druid At Beltane she took her bro’s fluid A lot of folks died And Morgaine, she cried Then welcomed her fate after she boohoo-ed _The Lord of the Rings_ Bilbo found this gold ring in a cave And one day to his nephew he gave But this ring was no good And it was understood To destroy it or else be enslaved Ehhh…I tried. ---
**Author:** ![qwanderer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ea924/32.png) [@qwanderer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/qwanderer)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2003, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/171 "2003-07-29T00:45:45Z")
J. K. Rowling (well, I think it’s great literature!) This doesn’t exactly massacre Harry.l [spoiler]The Year the Sorting Hat Discovered Limericks 😛 It really can be quite a pain To be just a hat with a brain. I sit in the tower, And, hour by hour, I think how I could entertain. Though I’ve lived through the time of Shakespeare, Sometimes I just can’t get into gear. The song just won’t come; Like my tongue has gone numb; So I ask my friend Dumbledore here. He always has some good advice; It usually makes me think twice, And it sticks in my head; But this time he just said, “I often think limericks are nice.” Now something in my head went _chime_ I began coming up with this rhyme. I realized too late, he was quite off his pate. He had been fast asleep at the time! I suppose I must just go along, And sing this ridiculous song. As long as it tells Of the house where you’ll dwell I guess it’s not really that wrong. If the reason you’d like to see Rome Is to stare at some rare obscure tome, If the books you live for Seem to make others snore, Then Ravenclaw’s surely your home. And whether it be lion’s roar, Or worse, a professor’s low score, If you face up to all And you’re still standing tall, Then I will name you Gryffindor. If you want all the power you can take, Suspect friends of stealing your cake, And if you aspire To learn black magic dire, Then a great Slytherin you will make. Those of you who don’t think that you’ve got What it takes to be part of this lot, Hufflepuff’s always fair; All you need to get there Is to work hard, or have you forgot? So sit down and put me on tight. Don’t worry, you won’t get a fright. I will just pick your mind 'Till I find out your kind, And tell you where you will fit right. [/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2003, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/172 "2003-07-29T01:59:06Z")
Welcome, **qwanderer** , to these Boards, and especially to limerick threads… you’re off to a great start! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Blackeyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f6c823/32.png) [@Blackeyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackeyes)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2003, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/173 "2003-08-02T00:10:06Z")
**qwanderer** , nice. ---
**Author:** ![rmbnxs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b9e5f3/32.png) [@rmbnxs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rmbnxs)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2003, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/174 "2003-08-02T05:55:27Z")
No spoiler necessary. No link either. Also, this is far from my favorite piece of literature. I seem to have trouble following the rules. In any case: There once was a fellow named “Jesus,” Whose coming, he said, was to please us, Unless we were bad; So he said, the glib lad. I bet he just wanted to tease us. ---
**Author:** ![capacitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e47774/32.png) [@capacitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capacitor)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2003, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/175 "2003-08-02T07:34:03Z")
_Have a Nice Day_ by Mick Foley: Mick Foley was a man with a dare; Though in wrestling that’s not very rare, All living still retell His matches in the Cell And the time when he lost his right ear. No spoilers needed. ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2015, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812/176 "2015-02-16T17:36:27Z")
Reviving a very-very-zombie thread, and hoping that my doing so may be excused. “Massacre your…” come across by me totally by chance, causing me to wish that I’d known about SDMB in 2003. Anyhow – love the idea, hope that the following might excuse the zombie-reviving. I am on the whole a big fan of the late George MacDonald Fraser’s “Flashman” novels: following is, the “Massacre your…” treatment re his eleven full-length novels telling of exploits of his cad-coward-bully-very-nasty-person (but still a bit likeable) anti-hero. I’m skipping his \*Flashman and the Tiger \*– three short stories in one book – basically for me “too complicated / can’t be arsed”. FLASHMAN Our un-hero joins up, ‘cause “it’s done” (Plus the chances for sloth mixed with fun): Sent out East – much ado – Commits ravishment, too; Future theme-song, “un-earned glory won”. ROYAL FLASH A pastiche of Hope’s Ruritania – Flash plays a king – what could be zanier? (At knife-point, it’s clear: He’d not volunteer ) – And at end, wife asks: “what did it gain ya?” FLASH FOR FREEDOM, AND FLASHMAN AND THE REDSKINS Flashy’s pa-in-law sends him off slaving (To be rid of the prick, he is craving): Sails to Guinea with Spring – In the Deep South, next thing; Where for him, a “bent” court is life-saving. Off home long-way-round, per the data – In the course of which trip, becomes “Pater” To a lad whose keen wit Gets him out of the shit A quarter of a century later. FLASHMAN’S LADY A dodgy covert Muslim chap Lures Flash and wife all o’er the map: Sarawak, Malagasy – Quite a time of it, has he To get both out in one piece (mayhap). FLASHMAN AT THE CHARGE Bad judgement sends Flash in harm’s way To Crimea, Russia, ‘Stans – who can say Whether India’d stayed British When the Russians got skittish Had our friend not (perforce) saved the day? FLASHMAN IN THE GREAT GAME “The worst of the nastiest”, says Flash: Sure, in Mutiny takes many a bash. In all the worst spots He has hairsbreadth ‘scapes, lots – Still, comes home with a fine looted stash. FLASHMAN AND THE DRAGON To China he comes – luckless soul – Just right when the West’s armies roll Peking for to take: He gets many a bad break, But as e’er, he comes out with skin whole. FLASHMAN AND THE MOUNTAIN OF LIGHT Wherein Flash mixes it up with the Sikhs, At whose court he does pass many weeks – Things go bad: comes a war – Does his usual – and sure, To mislead his sovereign later, he seeks. FLASHMAN AND THE ANGEL OF THE LORD With this one, George showing his age: Recycling throughout, all the rage. Novel has the odd boon (John Brown, likeable loon) – Chief advice, though – “don’t go past first page”. FLASHMAN ON THE MARCH Abyssinia, late sixties, oh my ! Flashy just has to be passing by. Into intrigue shanghaied, Emperor’s court – all max-spied – Unscathed he gets out – of course – sigh… Final one – in the various Flashman novels, Flashy makes many references to his (as ever, against his will) involvement in the American Civil War – including his having fought at various times, on both sides in that conflict. For someone such as me (British, but always fascinated by the ACW), a thing to cause – over a good many years – eager looking-forward to a novel by Fraser (“if the Lord spared him”) about Flashman in the ACW. Great disillusionment for me a year or so ago, to find on another Net site, in discussion re Fraser’s quite-recent death – quoting post on that site: “Fraser had no intention of describing Flashman’s role in the American Civil War. In a 2002 interview he said, ‘to me, the American Civil War is a colossal bore. It was a rotten war, it’s been done to death and I’m not terribly interested. An American wrote to me urging me to write it, saying it had to be the high point of Flashman’s career. I wrote back saying: “Son, it’s a foreign sideshow. The Crimea, the Indian Mutiny , they were the important things in Flashman’s life. Your civil war? He was so disinterested that he fought on both sides.” ‘ “ OK, Fraser – Sadist George, you aroused expectation Re writing – what you felt no temptation. So after your dying, I hope that you’re frying In same hell as your best-loved creation. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/massacre-your-favourite-literature-with-a-limerick/163812.md?page=8)