# Master chefs; How would you prepare human meat? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 7, 2011, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599 "2011-06-07T05:08:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/21 "2011-06-07T19:27:12Z")
I wonder at what age a human would taste best. Child? Teenager? Young adult? You probably wouldn’t want an old person whose muscles had wasted away or who was ravaged by disease. I’m 51. I wonder if I’m “past my prime” as meat. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/22 "2011-06-07T19:34:16Z")
> [@Superdude](#): > > Why, then you’d have Alfredo alfredo. Or Maria Marinara. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/23 "2011-06-07T19:38:20Z")
Cannibal societies in the Pacific and South Asia tended to be pig eating societies, and they would cook human meet the same way. Of course, that usually just means throwing it on some coals and cooking until “done”. But I would say treat it like pork. Unless you’re Jewish or Muslim. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/24 "2011-06-07T19:56:24Z")
Vindaloo seems the obvious choice. If I absolutely _had_ to eat someone, I’d like to be be able to tell them - honestly - “This is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you.” Plus, _vindaloo!_ The best of all possible cannibal curries. ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/25 "2011-06-07T20:09:20Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > No! You can’t eat human meat! You’ll get The Hunger - one taste of delicious delicious human meat and nothing else will ever satisfy you for the rest of your life. Next thing you know you’re shopping in filthy Asian butcher shops, then sneaking a hotplate and some beer into a morgue, and finally luring overweight homeless guys back to your apartment. Stay away from human meat! HA! I would go for the same part that Hannibal Lector did. On a chicken, they are called the oysters. (Little nubbins of perfectly tender dark mean, near where the wings meets the back). On a human, I think these muscles would be in the upper back. I would cook them in the same style that I cook pot roast (like a slow braise). ---
**Author:** ![ministryman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@ministryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ministryman)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/26 "2011-06-07T20:31:35Z")
IIRC, human meat is referred to as “long pig”. So I am thinking, BBQ. After all, the secret is in the sauce… The buttocks could be served as a crudo… The intestines? Chitlins, or used as a casing for the mystery meat / Soylent Green sausages sure to follow… ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/27 "2011-06-07T20:34:37Z")
Anonymously. ---
**Author:** ![Gilles\_de\_Rais](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@Gilles\_de\_Rais](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilles_de_Rais)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/28 "2011-06-07T20:52:41Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > I’d process the carcass the same as I would a deer, **discarding all the organs** and trimming away as much fat as possible. Then I would grind the flesh into sausage seasoned with red pepper, cracked fennel, anise, and paprika. I’d probably make this into link sausage as I prefer it over bulk. Grilled and on a roll with some fried peppers and onions, this’d probably make a pretty good sandwich. Bold and underline is mine. And you are a fool. You are discarding some of the best meats available. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/29 "2011-06-07T21:19:34Z")
> [@llcoolbj77](#): > > HA! > > I would go for the same part that Hannibal Lector did. On a chicken, they are called the oysters. (Little nubbins of perfectly tender dark mean, near where the wings meets the back). On a human, I think these muscles would be in the upper back. And just like the tenderloin, I’m guessing far tougher on a human than on the beasts we regularly eat. I really can’t figure out what parts on a healthy human would be tender - we just use most of 'em too much because we’re upright and it takes a lot of work to stay that way. Maybe the abs? ---
**Author:** ![Damfino](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Damfino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Damfino)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/30 "2011-06-07T21:34:48Z")
From Idi Amin: (Describing the taste, allegedly) Salty. Even more salty than leopard meat. So if you know how to prepare leopard meat you’re all set. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/31 "2011-06-07T22:22:30Z")
> [@Gilles\_de\_Rais](#): > > Bold and underline is mine. > And you are a fool. You are discarding some of the best meats available. Do not call me a fool, please. This isn’t The Pit and you needn’t get carried away with trying to play up to your nickname. I do not enjoy the flavor of many organ meats and in wild game the organs can be infected with some unpleasant parasites. In a human, they will likely have the same unpleasant flavor and, in the case of the liver, have a high concentration of wastes and toxins that I do not wish to consume. You may feast on all the meat by-products it pleasures you to consume. Good day. ---
**Author:** ![Apollyon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/apollyon/32/4238_2.png) [@Apollyon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollyon)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2011, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/32 "2011-06-07T22:29:09Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > … it seems that human meat would taste pretty awful considering how much garbage we put into our diets … So, would vegetarians taste better? Vegans? ---
**Author:** ![ministryman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@ministryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ministryman)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/33 "2011-06-08T20:04:35Z")
We haven’t, of course, addressed, the soon-to-be eaten’s profession, and I think it bears mention. I’m sure no one would to eat a clown. ---
**Author:** ![Gilles\_de\_Rais](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@Gilles\_de\_Rais](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilles_de_Rais)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/34 "2011-06-08T20:39:24Z")
> [@ministryman](#): > > We haven’t, of course, addressed, the soon-to-be eaten’s profession, and I think it bears mention. > > I’m sure no one would to eat a clown. Re-read post #8 - I specifically referenced a particular ingredient’s profession. Best to reference Sweeny Todd’s [_A Little Priest_](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnnVd3wgTX0) song… ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2011, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/35 "2011-06-08T20:50:10Z")
> [@ministryman](#): > > I’m sure no one would to eat a clown. That’s not funny. Would an athlete taste a little gamey? Would a hooker taste tart? Would a sailor taste salty? ---
**Author:** ![mbh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@mbh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mbh)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2011, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/36 "2011-06-09T14:42:32Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > is there a particular “cut” that would be naturally more tender or flavorful? This is at least third-hand hearsay, but I once read an account by a missionary who said that a cannibal once told him that the flesh of a young girl’s buttock was the best. > [@Smapti](#): > > What kind of wine do you serve with that meal? Red meat, red wine. ---
**Author:** ![Barking\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Barking\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barking_Dog)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2011, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/37 "2011-06-09T15:02:08Z")
Real baby back ribs a la Jonathon Swift. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2011, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/38 "2011-06-09T15:47:44Z")
I wouldn’t. I’d just bite into someone like an apple. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/39 "2011-06-10T02:41:11Z")
Cooking? No no no. For an unforgettable culinary experience, make it sashimi. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2011, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599/40 "2011-06-10T06:22:05Z")
> [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](#): > > I wonder at what age a human would taste best. Child? Teenager? Young adult? You probably wouldn’t want an old person whose muscles had wasted away or who was ravaged by disease. When you consider the most tender, flavorful cuts of meat are very young – lamb, veal, suckling pig – then it’s obvious that babies and toddlers are likely to be very tasty. It’s probably even better to raise them from scratch, so you can control their diet and avoid the toxins that are rumored to make human meat less palatable. One of these days, I’d like to experiment with babies raised Kobe-style – feed 'em beer every day for the first two years of life, should produce very nice marbling of the meat. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/master-chefs-how-would-you-prepare-human-meat/584599.md?page=3)