# Masturbate! Masturbate! :: A.K.A : Kittens are EVIL **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 23, 2006, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794 "2006-09-23T00:15:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Gozu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gozu/32/6615_2.png) [@Gozu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/1 "2006-09-23T00:15:23Z")
Today I have unveiled the most sinister of all conspiracies. Orchestrated by The Master Of All Evil, The Father Of Lies, the one known as Iblis, Lucifer and Shaitan: I am speaking, of course, of Satan himself. Yes, I say! We, humanity, have allowed a foul, evil creature to grow and prosper. This obscenity is as perverse and cruel as it’s terrible master and a bane upon life itself. It’s only focus is to kill. KILL KILL KILL! Not only to feed but also for its sole amusement. And it is a slow murder, it will torture it’s victim at length before it butchers it. I am speaking, of course, of kittens. If you are shocked by this revelation, it is only because you are solidly ensnared in the trap the Devil has elaborated for all of humanity: You think they’re cute! But why? WHY? Think about it you innocent fools! Yes, they are soft. Yes they have pretty eyes and compelling meows. Squirrels share many of those characteristics and we like them much less. Of course, you’re going to say that cats ACT cuter than squirrels. They purr, and they lick your hand and they rub you and cuddle against you. Sure, ok. All true. But how are those indicators of personality? My cat also rubs against tables. So…I am as loved as a…table? The licking is purely tit-for-tat. You lick me (pet me), I lick you. sheep also collaborate, we eat them. The cuddling is sharing of warmth and a cat is just as likely to “cuddle” with a router. So far, I’m as loved as a table or a router. Great! And, guess how many times I’ve gotten scratched? THOUSANDS! And I have felt THOUSANDS of pangs of pain. If you put all that pain together, It will be more pain than I’ve ever felt by being kicked in the balls. And I got kicked in the balls SEVERAL TIMES! And all this pain, I get for trying to play with my kitten to make her happy. But does she retract her claws? No sir! She’ll draw blood. I’ve lost pints of blood over the years. So yeah, you can go ahead and add ungratefulness to wanton murder and gratuitous torture. Gentlemen: The fact is kittens are horrible creatures and we have no business raising them. We are “aiding and abetting” evil and we will pay a price for that. The truth is we are only doing it because it pleases is us to do so. Because WE are not threatened by kittens. Though I promise you that kittens cause more human deaths a year than sharks. How is that for ugky naked truth? And yet here we are. After this lengthy tirade of mine. I have proved beyond reasonable doubt that kittens are evil. Yet I still cannot break the spell Satan has put over me. All I feel for kittens is love and all I want to do is pet them and cuddle with them. This is the greatest tragedy of all. This compelling warning, clear as the white flame of purity is bound to be read, aknowledged and then ignored. WOE US! WOE US FOR WE ARE DAMNED! Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Gozu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gozu/32/6615_2.png) [@Gozu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/2 "2006-09-23T00:18:07Z")
Oh, I forgot! This post was brought to you by MJ. –MJ, inspiring people since 1847! ---
**Author:** ![indecisive1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/41988e/32.png) [@indecisive1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/indecisive1)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/3 "2006-09-23T00:20:54Z")
pictures? ---
**Author:** ![MissMossie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@MissMossie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissMossie)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/4 "2006-09-23T00:25:14Z")
I’ll do what I can to stop the spread of evil. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/5 "2006-09-23T00:27:18Z")
I stopped the spread of some evil about a half an hour ago. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/6 "2006-09-23T00:56:38Z")
This message was not approved by my feline overlords. ---
**Author:** ![35340](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/8baadc/32.png) [@35340](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/35340)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/7 "2006-09-23T02:26:36Z")
[QUOTE=Gozu] Though I promise you that kittens cause more human deaths a year than sharks. How is that for ugky naked truth? [/QUOTE] cite? ---
**Author:** ![TimeWinder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bcef8e/32.png) [@TimeWinder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TimeWinder)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 9:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/8 "2006-09-23T09:28:47Z")
[QUOTE=Mynn] cite? [/QUOTE] Yeah, I laughed at that, then thought: he’s (she?) is probably right. There are about 70-100 shark attacks a year, and only about 10 of them are fatal on average. (Numbers derived from several random google pages, that ratio seem off to me, though). Kittens can kill by allergic reactions, infections from scratches or bites, pressure or standard asphyxia (on a baby or compromized individual, although I’ll grant this one is going to be really rare), traffic accidents caused by people swerving to avoid them in the road, and probably a smattering of weird causes (fell off something high onto human, caused human to run into traffic, alerted intruder to hiding human’s presence, tripped over human’s life support plug.) It wouldn’t surprise me if these (especially the allergies, infections, and traffic accidents) added up to a hundred people a year. But I have no cite, so I may be bluffing. ---
**Author:** ![bundykala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@bundykala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bundykala)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/9 "2006-09-23T10:37:08Z")
I wholeheartedly agree. Cats are the Antidog! ---
**Author:** ![mittu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecd19e/32.png) [@mittu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mittu)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/10 "2006-09-23T10:48:53Z")
I don’t have anything of great importance to add but when I saw that thread title I instantly thought of [this](http://static.flickr.com/52/119025965_d2d527f660.jpg) picture. ---
**Author:** ![LorieSmurf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a587f6/32.png) [@LorieSmurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LorieSmurf)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/11 "2006-09-23T11:32:11Z")
[QUOTE=mittu] I don’t have anything of great importance to add but when I saw that thread title I instantly thought of [this](http://static.flickr.com/52/119025965_d2d527f660.jpg) picture. [/QUOTE] I laughed and snorted so hard at that picture I got light-headed… ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/12 "2006-09-23T11:42:11Z")
[QUOTE=Snooooopy] I stopped the spread of some evil about a half an hour ago. [/QUOTE] Ah so that was you, I thought it was an echo ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/13 "2006-09-23T13:43:18Z")
Anybody got links to [kitty stomping](http://www.flickr.com/photos/80521469@N00/208408120/) videos? I can kill two, uh, birds with one stone, ifyaknowhatImean. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/14 "2006-09-23T20:58:50Z")
Here’s hoping that any pics posted to this thread will address the latter half of the thread title and not the first. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/15 "2006-09-23T22:42:37Z")
Another one down. ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/16 "2006-09-23T22:51:50Z")
[QUOTE=TimeWinder] Yeah, I laughed at that, then thought: he’s (she?) is probably right. There are about 70-100 shark attacks a year, and only about 10 of them are fatal on average. (Numbers derived from several random google pages, that ratio seem off to me, though). Kittens can kill by allergic reactions, infections from scratches or bites, pressure or standard asphyxia (on a baby or compromized individual, although I’ll grant this one is going to be really rare), traffic accidents caused by people swerving to avoid them in the road, and probably a smattering of weird causes (fell off something high onto human, caused human to run into traffic, alerted intruder to hiding human’s presence, tripped over human’s life support plug.) It wouldn’t surprise me if these (especially the allergies, infections, and traffic accidents) added up to a hundred people a year. But I have no cite, so I may be bluffing. [/QUOTE] You forgot about [Toxoplasmosis](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxoplasmosis). Which is a very serious disease that kills many babies born + unborn in the US every year. But damn they are cute (kittens not Toxoplasmosis). ---
**Author:** ![bbs2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e495f1/32.png) [@bbs2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bbs2k)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2006, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbate-masturbate-a-k-a-kittens-are-evil/373794/17 "2006-09-23T22:52:51Z")
I want 100 posts… yay!