# Masturbating greek philosophers - cite? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [August 7, 2006, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747 "2006-08-07T19:41:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MostlyClueless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@MostlyClueless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MostlyClueless)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/1 "2006-08-07T19:41:50Z")
Okay, this will most likely be moved to a less serious forum due to the answers that can be expected from dopers. But still. I’ve had some education on philosophers in the past, but my memory is really getting fuzzy, so I’m propably screwing up some details here or there. Socrates went around Athens questioning everybody on their beliefs, trying to get definitions for things like “virtue”, “truth” or “wisdom”, and to show the Athens citizens that most of their beliefs and cherished morals weren’t actually based on anything, and their prime motivations were things like "that’s how we’ve always done it"or “because.”. Now, I seem to recall that he even masturbated publicly to get responses, after which he would ask the offended party why it would be so bad to anyone. He wasn’t harming anyone, right? (kinda like Janet’s boob, now I’m thinking of it.) Another thing I vaguely recall is a quote about masturbation (maybe even not by Socrates himself) which was basically: “Masturbation is a wonderful thing. It satisfies an urge immediately. If only I could silence my hunger with rubbing my stomach!” Since Socrates was widely criticized in his own time, it may be that these are fabrications. Or it may be that my own mind is playing tricks with me. I want to be the light of every intellectual party by expanding on masturbating Greeks, but I need defense material once people yell “cite?” Can anyone provide this? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/2 "2006-08-07T19:49:01Z")
That wasn’t Socrates, it was [ahem] [Diogenesthe Cynic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diogenes_of_Sinope). ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/3 "2006-08-07T19:52:08Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] That wasn’t Socrates, it was [ahem] [Diogenesthe Cynic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diogenes_of_Sinope). [/QUOTE] Damn. I get a question where the answer is my own user name and I botch it with a typo. ---
**Author:** ![MostlyClueless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@MostlyClueless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MostlyClueless)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/4 "2006-08-07T20:03:06Z")
And the dope delivers once again. Thanks, Diogenes! ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/5 "2006-08-07T20:27:39Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] Damn. I get a question where the answer is my own user name and I botch it with a typo. [/QUOTE] There needs to be a rule/principle/law for that. How about we call it “Diogenes’ Law”. (feel better now that you have your own law?) ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/6 "2006-08-07T20:35:24Z")
From the Wikipedia cite: > [@](#): > > When Plato gave Socrates’s definition of man as “featherless bipeds” and was much praised for the definition, Diogenes plucked a cock and brought it into Plato’s school, and said, “This is Plato’s man.” After this incident, “with broad flat nails” was added to Plato’s definition. I’ve always wondered, Dio, why this didn’t send you after those roosters with a hammer. Or maybe you did, and history was indulgently silent. > [@](#): > > He used to stroll through the Agora at full daylight with a torch (or, as legend sometimes has it, a lantern). When asked about it, he would answer, “I am just looking for an honest man”. I once wrote a play in which Diogenes made regular appearances with his lantern, looking for an honest man. Finally, he comes upon someone who tells him that he must be crazy, looking for an honest man with a lantern in daylight.. “The Honest Man!!” shouts Diogenes. He then pulls out a gun and shoots him. “I _knew_ I’d get him someday,” says Diogenes, exiting. ---
**Author:** ![mr.jp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/48db29/32.png) [@mr.jp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr.jp)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/7 "2006-08-07T22:35:53Z")
Diogenes, do you like Diogenes the cynic (the greek guy)? He seems kind of stupid to me. I like this story though: “when reproved for walking out of a brothel (where apparently he had been enjoying, apparently for free, the services offered) he replied that he should be reproved for walking in rather than walking out.” ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/8 "2006-08-07T22:54:42Z")
[QUOTE=mr. jp] Diogenes, do you like Diogenes the cynic (the greek guy)? He seems kind of stupid to me. [/quote] He was vulgar but he wasn’t stupid. ---
**Author:** ![mr.jp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/48db29/32.png) [@mr.jp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr.jp)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/9 "2006-08-07T23:11:20Z")
Not stupid as in unintelligent, but stupid as in making bad choices with his life ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/10 "2006-08-07T23:25:46Z")
[QUOTE=mr. jp] Not stupid as in unintelligent, but stupid as in making bad choices with his life [/QUOTE] That’s a matter of perspective, I guess. If he was happy with his choices then they were good choices for him. ---
**Author:** ![Mehitabel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@Mehitabel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mehitabel)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/11 "2006-08-08T00:36:26Z")
Not only are we talking about him over 2000 years later, but he had the immortal Rodgers & Hart write a song [about him](http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/theboysfromsyracuse/ohdiogenes.htm) in 1938. Now, _The Boys from Syracuse_ was a witty show that was adult in many ways, but not SO adult they mentioned the masturbation. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kozmik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8dc957/32.png) [@Kozmik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kozmik)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/12 "2006-08-08T00:53:52Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] That wasn’t Socrates, it was [ahem] [Diogenes the Cynic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diogenes_of_Sinope). [/QUOTE] Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person? ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/13 "2006-08-08T01:15:31Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] That wasn’t Socrates, it was [ahem] [Diogenesthe Cynic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diogenes_of_Sinope). [/QUOTE] Awesome. Now put that thing away. ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/14 "2006-08-08T02:57:11Z")
**Masturbating Greek Philosophers** - band name? Oh come on, you _knew_ somebody was eventually going to post that. It was inevitable … nay, it was mandatory. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/15 "2006-08-08T07:34:30Z")
CalMeacham quoted wikipedia: > [@](#): > > Diogenes plucked a cock… I just can’t let this go by without notice, but it’s just too easy. Everyone make up your own wanking joke. ---
**Author:** ![TJdude825](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dec6dc/32.png) [@TJdude825](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJdude825)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 8:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/16 "2006-08-08T08:55:29Z")
[QUOTE=MostlyClueless] Okay, this will most likely be moved to a less serious forum due to the answers that can be expected from dopers. But still. [/QUOTE] I’m not entirely sure what makes you think of this as a “serious” forum. Perhaps it tries to be more serious than, say, MPSIMS, but ultimately, very non-serious things are bound to happen if you allow them too. Look for a thread about scalar weapons, or the pros and cons of different kinds of fish food… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/17 "2006-08-08T15:00:32Z")
[QUOTE=TJdude825] the pros and cons of different kinds of fish food [/QUOTE] Which naturally raises the question of what Diogenes fed his carp. ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2006, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/18 "2006-08-09T05:55:28Z")
[With appologize to Monty Python] Iiiiiimanuel Kant was a real Onan (Though he’d reject the label). Heidegger, Heidegger was a dirty bugger Who would spank it under the table. David Hume would self-pollute Whene’er he was able. And Wittgenstein always thought it fine To tug on his thick cable. There’s nothing Neitzche couldn’t teach ya bout the motions of the wrist; Socrates himself was always pumping fist. John Stuart Mill always got a thrill When he’d Jack off while his wife would Jill Plato, they say, wanked six times a day (sometimes more when he couldn’t get any play). Aristotle, Aristotle always playing with his throttle. Hobbes would toss with both hands. Said Rene Descartes, playing with his part, “I wank therefore I am.” Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed - A lovely little wanker who was always pumping fist! ---
**Author:** ![Kizarvexius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Kizarvexius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kizarvexius)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2006, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/19 "2006-08-09T15:25:52Z")
The **BlackKnight** always triumphs! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_chao_goes_mu/32/3191_2.png) [@The\_Chao\_Goes\_Mu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Chao_Goes_Mu)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2006, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbating-greek-philosophers-cite/367747/20 "2006-08-09T20:00:52Z")
Well damn! No wonder the poor bastard was masturbating all the time! Would you have sex with someone who subsisted on a diet of _onions_?