# Masturbation **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 27, 2000, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753 "2000-06-27T18:54:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2000, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/41 "2000-06-28T13:55:28Z")
[puts on ARS’s “Imaginary Lovers”, Cindy Lauper’s “She-bop”, and Jackson Browne’s “Rosie”] It’s a great way to start the morning! ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2000, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/42 "2000-06-28T14:40:25Z")
One of the morning drive radio teams here in Dallas call it “punching the clown” (always accompanied by boing-boing sound effects). My personal favorite is “shaking hands with the unemployed.” What other colorful expressions for strangling the bishop do all you master debaters know about? ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2000, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/43 "2000-06-28T14:54:46Z")
Sure. You’re in D.C.? Been looking for a local boy… ---
**Author:** ![MagicalSilverKey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@MagicalSilverKey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicalSilverKey)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2000, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/44 "2000-06-28T17:16:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > [puts on ARS’s “Imaginary Lovers”, Cindy Lauper’s “She-bop”, and Jackson Browne’s “Rosie”] > It’s a great way to start the morning! > \*\* Dont forget “STROKE” by Billy Squire ---
**Author:** ![MagicalSilverKey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@MagicalSilverKey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicalSilverKey)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2000, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/45 "2000-06-28T17:19:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > [puts on ARS’s “Imaginary Lovers”, Cindy Lauper’s “She-bop”, and Jackson Browne’s “Rosie”] > It’s a great way to start the morning! > \*\* Dont forget “STROKE” by Billy Squire and “WHIP IT” by DEVO ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2000, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/46 "2000-06-28T17:20:13Z")
My girlfriend is a bit of a show off, and watching her masturbate is one of the most erotic things in the world. Women, if you want to add some spice to your love life, give your man a show he’ll never forget. Then, you do it for her. She’ll appreciate it. ---
**Author:** ![MagicalSilverKey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@MagicalSilverKey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicalSilverKey)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2000, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/47 "2000-06-28T17:22:50Z")
Does this mean the next Doperfest will be B.Y.O.k-y? and B.Y.O.B(bring your own batteries)? LOL ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2000, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/48 "2000-06-28T17:25:02Z")
Believe it or not, whilst searching for black leather Goth accoutrements in the leather section of the local fag-porn emporium, I came across what appeared to be an artificial asshole. Honest to god, it was in a long metal casing and it looked like a flashlight, except with an asshole at the end. Is there a name for this? An anti-dildo? ---
**Author:** ![KimKatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ac91a4/32.png) [@KimKatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KimKatt)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2000, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/49 "2000-06-28T17:27:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > One of the morning drive radio teams here in Dallas call it “punching the clown” (always accompanied by boing-boing sound effects). > \*\* [brief hijack] One of my co-workers has this weird pink stress-face thing on her desk, one of those ones you squeeze. Another, male, co-worker was always punching it, whenever he went into her office. So she put a label on the base of it that says “Clown,” and nailed him for “punching the clown” the next time he did it. Segue to a few months later, same office, same clown on the desk. A very uptight, prudish female co-worker in a meeting in that office asks why the pink thing is called “Clown.” She is told, “Because \*\*\*\* was always punching it.” She didn’t get it. We had to EXPLAIN it to her, amidst huge fits of giggles. [/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![ricepad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b38774/32.png) [@ricepad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ricepad)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/50 "2000-06-29T06:45:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*\* > > [puts on ARS’s “Imaginary Lovers”, Cindy Lauper’s “She-bop”, and Jackson Browne’s “Rosie”] > > It’s a great way to start the morning! > > \*\* > > Dont forget “STROKE” by Billy Squire > and > “WHIP IT” by DEVO > \*\* And of course the Vapors’ “Turning Japanese”… ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/51 "2000-06-29T06:58:59Z")
How about Peter Gabriel’s “Shock the Monkey”? ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/52 "2000-06-29T07:15:18Z")
VH1 did a popup video on masturbation songs. The popup part of the title seemed apropos. I made my discovery first in a quest for cleanliness while i was exhausted. I had just flown to germany and boy was my arms and everything else tired. The shower there was on a hose and had adjustable height. the stall was built with a nice wide ledge so you could sit on it comfortably and the shower reached that low. So i was sitting and washing and used the shower head to rinse and made quite a discovery. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_griffin-kentzel/32/14787_2.png) [@Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Griffin-Kentzel)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/53 "2000-06-29T11:37:39Z")
One thing you can say about masturbation is you don’t have to look your best. ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/54 "2000-06-29T12:33:03Z")
You don’t have to leave cab fare, either. As far as songs go, don’t forget Touch Myself. ---
**Author:** ![DVous\_Means](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@DVous\_Means](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DVous_Means)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/55 "2000-06-29T13:09:44Z")
Another good thing about having a wank is that you don’t have to take your hand out to dinner beforehand and discuss its problems, or kiss it afterwards and tell it how much you love it. What’s the most sensitive part of your body when you’re jerking off? Your ears, listening for footsteps outside the door. There’s a whole site devoted to the art of Onanism called Jack-In: [http://www.jackinworld.com/](http://www.jackinworld.com/). Fron what I’ve read above, you chaps (and chappettes) are the target audience! ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/56 "2000-06-29T14:54:17Z")
I’ve got to agree on the “showing off for your boy/girl” idea. Besides the element of putting on a show, there’s the fact that if he or she just isn’t doing much for you that night, you’re insured a good time. Gotta agree on the ears thing, though. Why is it you can be naked in front of someone, say the stupidest things possible to them, go to the bathroom in front of them…but if they catch you flaying the oyster it’s embarassing? ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/57 "2000-06-29T17:25:59Z")
Its not how many times you can do it, its how many times you don’t have to do it. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/58 "2000-06-29T17:30:53Z")
> [@](#): > > I came across what appeared to be an artificial asshole Was it my new boss?? Zette ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/59 "2000-06-29T19:26:35Z")
Is this too obvious? I Touch Myself by the Divinyls. N-T grrrl, trying to keep your hands off yourself? That’s why God invented Kegel muscles! Seriously, it saddens me to know that women have to “learn” how to masturbate. Most likely that is only because their parents made them “unlearn” it when they were little, and society told them it was dirty and evil. As has been mentioned, babies explore their own bodies, and when something feels good, they keep doing it. Happily, I can’t remember when I started doing it, anymore than I can remember my first meal or learning to walk. ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2000, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753/60 "2000-06-29T19:37:21Z")
I never have, because I don’t know how =( [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/masturbation/23753.md?page=4)