# "May I kiss you?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 8, 2007, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185 "2007-03-08T23:57:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/21 "2007-03-09T07:53:49Z")
[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee] If the guy is going to sexually assault me, he wouldn’t ask anyway, now would he? :dubious: I’m not saying I want to be thrown against a wall every time I’m kissed. All I’m saying is, in such a situation where a kiss is hanging in the air, being asked if I want it to happen is going to turn me off. When in doubt, don’t. Or try a light peck on the lips first, to see how it’s received. I can see that some people might prefer to be asked, though. Different strokes for different folks. [/QUOTE] Did you know this guy that yanked you around for the “Up against the wall kiss” or was it a complete stanger? ---
**Author:** ![Yorikke](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yorikke/32/4335_2.png) [@Yorikke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorikke)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 9:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/22 "2007-03-09T09:20:19Z")
I’m a shy guy for sure, and I asked my (now) wife the first time I kissed her. Worked out pretty well 😉 Joe ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/23 "2007-03-09T14:04:54Z")
Asking takes the spontaneity out of the act. Depending on how the question is delivered, of course, it often smacks of premediation and skittishness. It is also a sign that the asker can’t pick up on nonverbal forms of communication, and that’s a quality I greatly prize. A kiss, for me, is best when it just happens naturally, without any obvious cognition behind it. So yeah, asking is a turnoff. ---
**Author:** ![fluiddruid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fluiddruid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fluiddruid)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/24 "2007-03-09T14:07:50Z")
Personally, I think it’s highly sweet, and a turn-on rather than a turn-off. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/25 "2007-03-09T14:38:56Z")
Kiss me you fool! ---
**Author:** ![AHoosierMama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/258eb7/32.png) [@AHoosierMama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHoosierMama)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/26 "2007-03-09T14:59:27Z")
Weedy, dorky, namby-pamby pansy, wishy-washy wuss is the impression I get from the asking of permission. Swoop away! ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/27 "2007-03-09T15:17:47Z")
[QUOTE=you with the face] … It is also a sign that the asker can’t pick up on nonverbal forms of communication\ [/QUOTE] Yes. If you don’t know whether the girl wants to be kissed or not, you’re in a world of hurt. Asking=weedy beyond all weediness. Great term there, “weedy”. Thanks to the Aussies for that one; I’ll have to start working it into conversations. ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/28 "2007-03-09T15:25:55Z")
This thread revisits a thing I’ve noticed many times on these boards, regarding a cultural difference between Australia (and I think many other Commonwealth countries) and the US with regards to courtship, dating, etc. I’m a 36 year-old Australian who has been in several long-term relationships (including a marriage), more short-term ones still, and yet as far as I can remember, _I have never been on a date_. We tend to fall into relationships. It might be “we were at the company Christmas party and one thing led to another” or it might be “we’ve been friends for ten years, and finally a romance developed”, whereas in the US it seems to be “I see - I like - I summon up courage to ask for phone number - I go on date - I use terms like “first base” and “second base”, and I know exactly where I’m at in a pre-ordained series of steps.” I’m not dissing the American style here, but it’s quite alien to me. I could never image _asking_ for a kiss. It’s something that happens (or doesn’t). And yes, I’m talking averages here - I’m sure there are Australians who do the formal dating thing, and Americans who don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/29 "2007-03-09T15:31:25Z")
I never ask. You should be able to figure out, from _non-verbal cues_, whether you have a green light. (Though I know some people aren’t good at reading non-verbal cues.) ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/30 "2007-03-09T15:36:25Z")
[QUOTE=SHAKES] Did you know this guy that yanked you around for the “Up against the wall kiss” or was it a complete stanger? [/QUOTE] I knew him - he was a good friend. (Is? Was? It’s complicated.) I don’t think I would’ve appreciated it if it had been a stranger. I used a rather extreme example - it only worked because it was a very specific situation. Still, I stand by what I said before - for me, if you have to ask, the answer is likely to be no (although it might depend on the context). ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/31 "2007-03-09T16:05:04Z")
[QUOTE=spoke-] (Though I know some people aren’t good at reading non-verbal cues.) [/QUOTE] And we’re supposed to do what, exactly? ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/32 "2007-03-09T16:12:52Z")
I’ve only kissed a girl once where her body language was not already in full-on “kiss mode” (i.e. already making the motions,) and even though she accepted it I feel pretentious as hell for doing it. Although, it did “work” if you know what I mean – maybe I should try it more often 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/33 "2007-03-09T16:31:06Z")
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim] The only behavioral change I’ve managed is jerking off more often. [/QUOTE] Do you ask permission first? ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/34 "2007-03-09T17:54:01Z")
[QUOTE=tomndebb] I’m surprised that no one has raised the issue, yet, but on a number of college campuses in the U.S., they have instituted policies in which asking is a requirement for every stage of physical interpersonal contact. (This is supposed to cut down on the amount of date rape that goes on. I suspect that the intentions may be good, (although among some individuals they simply seem misandrist), but I am not sure how it is working out in the real world. [/QUOTE] I can’t imagine instituted policies of a university in any way affecting how I approached a girl while in college. Can I kiss you? Can I touch your boob now? Can I take off your shirt? Can I take off your bra? Sounds like a case of CYA that has no possibility of being implemented in reality. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/35 "2007-03-09T17:56:46Z")
[QUOTE=Pygmy Rugger] I can’t imagine instituted policies of a university in any way affecting how I approached a girl while in college. Can I kiss you? Can I touch your boob now? Can I take off your shirt? Can I take off your bra? Sounds like a case of CYA that has no possibility of being implemented in reality. [/QUOTE] And you’ll have a lot less protection in a case of he said-she said. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/36 "2007-03-09T17:57:37Z")
[QUOTE=araminty] In regaling a friend with the account of my latest [sexcapade](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=411238) (hee! I had a sexcapade!) she interrupted me, just as things were getting interesting, to ask if he’d asked. To kiss me, I mean. (He hadn’t.) We agreed, nothing was weedier than asking permission to kiss someone. Also, what’s the best response? My friend declared the best answer was no answer, just a look. What do you think? [/QUOTE] I once dated a guy in the military. He [once we had reached the stage where something was going to happen or not] was very careful to ask me if he could kiss me, and any time he wanted to progress further touchwise he would ask if it was ok. I thought it was pretty prudent of him, given the amount of times you hear of date rape and the military had started its aggressive sexual harrassment lectures and punishments. He was just making sure that everything we did was ok instead of rushing in. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/37 "2007-03-09T18:00:12Z")
[QUOTE=Pygmy Rugger] I can’t imagine instituted policies of a university in any way affecting how I approached a girl while in college. Can I kiss you? Can I touch your boob now? Can I take off your shirt? Can I take off your bra? Sounds like a case of CYA that has no possibility of being implemented in reality. [/QUOTE] I don’t know if it’s an instituted policy, but our university does have flyers all over the place that stress the importance of “checking in” with your partner during the act. I agree that it’s important to make sure both of you are having fun, but I don’t see how it’s supposed to prevent date rape. ---
**Author:** ![hawksgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@hawksgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawksgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/38 "2007-03-09T18:02:22Z")
[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee] I don’t see how it’s supposed to prevent date rape. [/QUOTE] I think the idea of asking gives the other person a clear chance and time to say “no” or draw the line for what they are uncomfortable with, instead of feeling like they can’t stop it. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/39 "2007-03-09T18:22:11Z")
[QUOTE=you with the face] Asking takes the spontaneity out of the act. Depending on how the question is delivered, of course, it often smacks of premediation and skittishness. It is also a sign that the asker can’t pick up on nonverbal forms of communication, and that’s a quality I greatly prize. A kiss, for me, is best when it just happens naturally, without any obvious cognition behind it. [/QUOTE] So your workplace admirer should just throw caution to the wind and “go for it?” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/40 "2007-03-09T18:24:12Z")
In the romantic arena women would like men to be good readers of body language and nonverbal signals, but in other arenas we’re not given much credit for that 😉 This type of thing is code for that all-powerful “confidence”. If you ask in a manner that is wishy-washy, it will be perceived as weak. If you ask playfully, it will be perceived as fun. If you ask forcefully, it will be perceived as confident. Generally I think if you ask in a “I’m just letting you know what’s going to happen here” manner, instead of a “Does the lady mind if I touch her” manner you’ll be OK. But then again, I’m a guy. I think the rule is “if she lets you kiss her, you did it right”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185.md?page=3)