# "May I kiss you?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 8, 2007, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185 "2007-03-08T23:57:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Yookeroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yookeroo/32/323_2.png) [@Yookeroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yookeroo)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/41 "2007-03-09T18:28:52Z")
[QUOTE=TheLoadedDog] This thread revisits a thing I’ve noticed many times on these boards, regarding a cultural difference between Australia (and I think many other Commonwealth countries) and the US with regards to courtship, dating, etc. I’m a 36 year-old Australian who has been in several long-term relationships (including a marriage), more short-term ones still, and yet as far as I can remember, _I have never been on a date_. We tend to fall into relationships. It might be “we were at the company Christmas party and one thing led to another” or it might be “we’ve been friends for ten years, and finally a romance developed”, whereas in the US it seems to be “I see - I like - I summon up courage to ask for phone number - I go on date - I use terms like “first base” and “second base”, and I know exactly where I’m at in a pre-ordained series of steps.” I’m not dissing the American style here, but it’s quite alien to me. I could never image _asking_ for a kiss. It’s something that happens (or doesn’t). [/QUOTE] Go ahead and dis. I like your style better. ---
**Author:** ![Autumn\_Almanac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d26b3c/32.png) [@Autumn\_Almanac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autumn_Almanac)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/42 "2007-03-09T18:32:46Z")
I’ve generally asked permission before a first kiss. It worked out very well each time. (Now that I’m married the situation isn’t likely to come up again.) Maybe I just don’t date the type of girls for whom “up against the wall”-style taking charge is a turn-on. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/43 "2007-03-09T19:22:17Z")
[QUOTE=Vinyl Turnip] So your workplace admirer should just throw caution to the wind and “go for it?” 🙂 [/QUOTE] I just threw up in my mouth a little. Edited because I initially wrote “throwed up”. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/44 "2007-03-09T19:26:42Z")
[QUOTE=araminty] We agreed, nothing was weedier than asking permission to kiss someone. [/QUOTE] That’s **just** what I told the judge! He didn’t buy it. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/45 "2007-03-09T19:55:33Z")
Man: Permission to kiss your sexy lips? Woman: Request approved with pleasure 😉 That’s how I would ask, if I thought it prudent. Put a little sexy-cocky-confident spin on it. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2007, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/46 "2007-03-09T22:16:28Z")
[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee] I agree that it’s important to make sure both of you are having fun, but I don’t see how it’s supposed to prevent date rape. [/QUOTE] A person can feel violated without their partner’s intending to do so, if they feel coerced or scared to refuse when their partner just goes ahead and does something. Asking verbally helps to prevent that kind of miscommunication, and sets the tone for both parties to feel better able to communicate their needs and boundaries. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2007, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/47 "2007-03-10T05:42:43Z")
In my opinion, a guy asking if he may kiss me is not appreciated due to its extreme dorkiness. Sorry to confuse the issue even more for you unsure guys - some women apparently love being asked, some women will lose respect for you for asking (like me). Maybe women should just initiate all physical encounters. But then it would be the women getting charged with date rape. Maybe we just need to invent better VR so we don’t have to touch each other at all. I can see where getting physical would be fraught with potential pitfalls in the military and on campuses, etc. I don’t see any good solution for that, though - the “ask before every step” approach is indeed prudent, and completely offputting. ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2007, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/48 "2007-03-10T12:08:48Z")
I’m with you on that, **featherlou**. If a woman asked me before kissing me the first time, what might have been a ‘yes’ would suddenly likely become ‘no’, and I’d wander off and think about football or Ford gearboxes instead. It’s a moment killer. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2007, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/49 "2007-03-10T15:53:11Z")
If you have to ask if someone wants you to kiss them, youur not paying attention. If you’re not paying attention you don’t deserve to be kissed. It doesn’t have to be a swoop. Not that that can’t be good under certain curcumstances. (Best first kiss, total swoop, but then he had just flown 3000 miles to see me so I was kind of expecting it.) Better intimate conversation, leaning in, reading body language. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2007, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/50 "2007-03-10T16:12:24Z")
I think it’s a considerate, gentlemanly thing to do, but then, I don’t really understand the appeal of alpha-male types. ---
**Author:** ![Grossbottom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba8739/32.png) [@Grossbottom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grossbottom)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2007, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/51 "2007-03-10T16:43:55Z")
Gah, if you feel the need to say something, tell her to kiss you. Just do this sort of half swoop like you’re gonna tag one on her, then pull up short, and sort of growl it at her. The response is always so cute, she’ll blink like “oh neat idea” and then she’ll smile and kiss you. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2007, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/52 "2007-03-10T17:36:25Z")
[QUOTE=Fretful Porpentine] I think it’s a considerate, gentlemanly thing to do, but then, I don’t really understand the appeal of alpha-male types. [/QUOTE] It doesn’t have to be extremes - “may I kiss you” vs “I am man hear me roar.” All I’m saying (and what other people seem to be saying) is that for me personally, if you have to ask, the answer is very likely going to be “no.” If I want to be kissed, I’m going to make it pretty obvious - if you ask, it’s going to spoil the moment. If you’re not sure, then don’t. It’s a matter of personal preference, but just because I don’t like to be asked doesn’t mean I want to be shoved up against the wall every time I’m kissed. ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2007, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/53 "2007-03-11T01:27:50Z")
[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee] It doesn’t have to be extremes - “may I kiss you” vs “I am man hear me roar.” All I’m saying (and what other people seem to be saying) is that for me personally, if you have to ask, the answer is very likely going to be “no.” If I want to be kissed, I’m going to make it pretty obvious - if you ask, it’s going to spoil the moment. If you’re not sure, then don’t. It’s a matter of personal preference, but just because I don’t like to be asked doesn’t mean I want to be shoved up against the wall every time I’m kissed. [/QUOTE] Define obvious. Because some guys like myself may not pick up on “obvious”, what ever that is. ---
**Author:** ![SailedTheOceanBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/85f322/32.png) [@SailedTheOceanBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SailedTheOceanBlue)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2007, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/54 "2007-03-11T02:27:44Z")
I vote for weedy. It would be a turnoff for me, most definitely. **Grossbottom’s** approach is interesting though, it could be the only possible way to make it her choice without sounding like a wuss. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2007, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/55 "2007-03-11T02:52:59Z")
I’ve only dated one guy who asked permission to kiss me. He was adorable beyond belief, and in that particular circumstance, I found it charming and sweet. I can certainly see thinking it nerdy under different circumstances, or from a different type of guy. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2007, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/56 "2007-03-11T04:38:17Z")
See, this is where those pesky non-verbal cues and body-language things come into action, I suspect. By the time you get close, your partner’s body language should already be saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’. The act of kissing is just the end of one conversation and the beginning of another. Now, if you have trouble reading body language, you are probably screwed (or not screwed, actually, which is the problem). What we geeks need are body-language lessons. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Woodhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Miss\_Woodhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Woodhouse)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2007, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/57 "2007-03-11T05:08:51Z")
My first kiss, the guy asked. I was happy he did because I was so new to the whole experience of dating and love. It was sweet, and adorable and I loved it. But that’s the type of girl I am. I married that guy, btw. He sometimes still asks, but it’s only in romantic moments to bring back the sweet memory of our first kiss. sigh. I’d only say no if I was mad at him. 😉 I can see how it would be nerdy and off putting if done wrong though. You have to be reading the signs right and be sure you aproach the question right. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2007, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/58 "2007-03-11T16:30:14Z")
[QUOTE=ParentalAdvisory] Define obvious. Because some guys like myself may not pick up on “obvious”, what ever that is. [/QUOTE] Well, if she’s staring into your eyes with her face inches from yours and you can feel her breath on your lips, I would say that’s obvious. Oh, and if her hand is on your crotch. That’s obvious too. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2007, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/59 "2007-03-11T21:52:50Z")
I’ve always “swooped”, though in each and every case I more or less knew for a fact it would be welcomed - because the moment was right, because of her body language, because we’d already been touching playfully - I mean, you just _know_. To give an example - when I met the woman I’m now married to, I had a pretty good idea she was interested in me - after all, she went out of her way to talk to me (and I to her); she asked for my number; and later, invited me to her apartment-warming party. I brought a present I made - a sculpture of a spider made of femo and rhinestones - and she loved it. We had a great time at her party, and she made it pretty clear she wanted me to stay after the other guests were gone; we were a bit tipsy, and started to have a little pillow-fight that progressed to her bedroom for more ammunition; we ended up laughing and tumbling about on the bed - and things progressed to some very nice kissing quite naturally … I simply can’t imagine, in that progression of events, suddenly pausing to ask “Oh, by the way, may I kiss you now?” Been happily married for years now, so I suppose it will never be an issue - but if I was single again (God forbid), I’d do the same (assuming I had an opportunity to!) To me at least, asking just seems so totally _wrong_; as others have said, a mood-killer. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2007, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185/60 "2007-03-12T00:24:03Z")
[QUOTE=matt\_mcl] And we[people who are not good at “reading signals”]'re supposed to do what, exactly? [/QUOTE] I suppose we gotta find and date the persons like those who have come out in this thread as looking favorably upon explicit communication(\*). At least the fact that a nontrivial number of people have stated that direct communication is acceptable, is encouraging. (Funny: straight, gay, male, female, we all agree on the importance of communication in relationships… but not on its format, channel, medium, language, etc. 😃 ) (\*And, by the time someone is aware of that issue, “So learn to read the signals!” may not be a useful answer. That can take so much self-conscious effort that you might as well be asking) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/may-i-kiss-you/395185.md?page=4)