# Maybe I Shouldn't Be Allowed In A Church **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 23, 2001, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358 "2001-09-23T17:44:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/1 "2001-09-23T17:44:04Z")
Are you _supposed_ to MST3K a wedding? I couldn’t help myself. Walking in the front doors, I see a relative I haven’t seen in a while. A “Wedding and Funeral” relative. That kind. “Man, she looks like hell,” I thought. I think I should get some kind of point for _not_ saying this aloud. Even as an aside. Anyway, I was taken with her hedgehog hat. Oh, wait, that’s her hair. Yeesh. The “highlights” sprayed on looked faboo. Again, yeesh. Programs! Programs! Getch-yer programs! Can’t tell a bridesmaid from the flowergirl without a program! If we could get hot dogs and popcorn, the whole ceremony would be much nicer. Maybe a “seventh inning stretch”. It’s a Catholic ceremony, by the way. I walk into a sea of blue hair. I don’t descend from a svelt people. What to take my mind off this? Architecture? The church is a row of groin vaults. (See, I learned _something_ in college Art History. Groin vault.) Groin vaults in the House of God. God’s groin vaults. God’s Groin. Groin, heh heh. “Groin” in Church, heh heh. I have a very low Amusement Threshold. And a low sense of humor. “Groin”, heh heh. Wow, there’s some poofy hair. Nearly a natural shade too. That guy decided to show there’s nothing like a pony tail to really accentuate a bald head. Good look. Ah, Dad hasn’t shaved since he got back from vacation. So my complete lack of ability in growing facial hair is genetic? Huh. The priest comes forward. Good, things are going to start happening. “Mah-wage is wut bwings us togevver, toodai…” OK, he didn’t sound anythinhg like that. He had a good speaking voice. But still, I thought it was funny. (“Groin”, heh heh.) Wow, there’s a big butt on that bridesmaid. At least her dress doesn’t look like a slipcover. Actually the dresses looked pretty nice. (“Groin”, heh heh.) Stand for the Bride. Sit. Stand. Sit. This is like watching the President give a speech. You gotta love a Catholic service. _Or we’ll burn you at the stake!_ Ha! I jest. We don’t do that anymore. I tried to think about what I was supposed to do _next_. No clue. I couldn’t remember a thing. But when the time came, I rattled off all the prayers and stood, sat, kneeled at all the right spots. Pavlovian Religion. (“Groin”, heh heh.) One of the readings started (roughly): “And the mean old Pharasee tried to trip Jesus up in the Temple…” it went yammering on from there. Something about loving your neighbor, or some rot. I wasn’t paying attention. This is what I heard: "And the mean old Pharasee tried to trip Jesus up in the Temple by sticking his foot out in the aisle. Jesus was too wiley for that crap. He pulled a Jackie Chan move and back flipped over the offending foot. Hiiii-yaaaah! And Jesus kicked the crap out of the Pharasee. “Man, I wish I had my bullwhip like I used on those damned moneychangers. That would be so cool!” Jesus moved pretty good for a guy wearing a dress. When they lit the Unity Candle, I thought they should have used sparklers. That would have been pretty. Yeah, there would have been a fire hazard with the froofy Bride’s dress, but think of the _drama_. Will the candle be lit? Or will the Bride go up in a shower of sparks? If anything untoward were to happen, we could toss her into the Baptismal Font. At the end, they brought a flower for the Virgin Mary. That was some symbolic thingy. V. M. was halfway up the wall on a little shelf thingy sticking out from the wall. I thought the Bride was going to have to jump, and kinda dunk the flower into Mary’s plaster hands. They just left it on a table below her. I was disappointed. (“Groin”, heh heh.) The next wedding I go to, I’m hanging out in the Cry Room. And I’m bringing Corn Nuts. -Rue. ---
**Author:** ![pesch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pesch/32/4925_2.png) [@pesch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pesch)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/2 "2001-09-23T18:12:15Z")
Don’t worry, **Rue** , everybody thinks that way at a wedding. Why do you think we put up with these things, anyway? ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/3 "2001-09-23T18:15:09Z")
The cake at the reception? ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/4 "2001-09-23T18:26:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > **…Groin vault. Groin vaults in the House of God. God’s groin vaults. God’s Groin. Groin, heh heh. “Groin” in Church, heh heh. I have a very low Amusement Threshold. And a low sense of humor. “Groin”, heh heh.** Oh, man, that was great! I mean, really hilarious. What a terrifc idea, to do that at “serious” ceremonies! I never thought of that, but now I’m ruined forever, thanks to you, sir! On a side note, I had to go to a memorial service yesterday, in a big ole church just full-to-burstin’ with groin vaults (I had no idea what they were called before I read your excellent post, by the way; thank you), and I wish I had been able to read your post before I went. Then I could have just concentrated on them ole groin vault thingies and people’s funny hair and stuff. I’m a great believer in the power of humor to get you through just about anything. Thanks for a good laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/5 "2001-09-23T18:42:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Creaky \* > \*\*…but now I’m ruined forever, thanks to you, sir! \*\* Just doin’ mah job, here. Glad I could be of _some_ service. > [@](#): > > \*\*Thanks for a good laugh. \*\* Yeah, laugh at my pain. You are _so_ welcome. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/6 "2001-09-23T18:58:33Z")
Well, I read the OP, then I had to run to the grocery store. As I made my way down one aisle, I came upon _Corn Nuts_. Thanks to **Rue** , I may never be allowed in that Publix again. Apparently they frown upon patrons who block the flow of shopping while giggling… ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2001, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/7 "2001-09-23T19:42:09Z")
> [@](#): > > Programs! Programs! Getch-yer programs! Can’t tell a bridesmaid from the flowergirl without a program! Ow, my sides. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![DAVEW0071](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19b73/32.png) [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/8 "2001-09-24T12:05:15Z")
**Rue** , this was a mega-chuckle from beginning to end! Thanks for making my day. I’m going to be thinking “Groin. Heh, heh” throughout the day. Great handle on the surreal mind-wanderings that take place at such venues. Thanks again, man. I knew I liked you when you referred to your kid as Soupo. Sounds like the lost Marx Brother. Soupo DeDay. Groin. Heh, heh. ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/9 "2001-09-24T12:34:22Z")
**Dave** , wasn’t the lost Marx Brother, Gummo? (I think it was. Really.) And at least you weren’t barred from a Piggly-Wiggly, **Snickers**. Think of the shame in that. “I can never show my face in the Piggly-Wiggly again!” If your sides don’t get better soon, **Jester** , bash two bags of Sun Chips with a hammer and call me “In The Morning”. It’s not my name or anything, but you could still call me that. -Rue. (“Groin”, heh heh.) ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/10 "2001-09-24T12:47:43Z")
Dude, I _FEEL_ your pain! The last (western) wedding I attended was a Greek Orthodox ceremony (keep in mind that I know NOTHING about this religion… but it was a good friend, marrying another good friend… both Greek Orthodox). We partied all night long, and I mean PARTIED, and I do mean ALL NIGHT LONG! Went to the wedding still mostly plastered. My two best friends and I were best men, dressed in tuxedos, trying to keep our faces straight… the ceremony began. And continued, and continued to continue… and went on forever! By the fourth or fifth eon of the ceremony, my two best friends and I were swaying back and forth (much like people who were about to pass out, but were determined not to ruin their friends wedding), and were nearly done in… the preacher (? not sure of the terminology in this branch of Christianity) said something or other… And immediatley behind us came this wail: “ **LOOOORRD** have mercy!!!” (Some acolyte or novice or something had snuck into a niche in the church wall behind us, and his job was to respond to what the preacher (?) was saying…) Scared the everlivin’ FU\*\* out of me and my 2 best friends!!! We jumped about 5 feet in the air, and I’m pretty sure I hollered, “Holy SH\*\*!!!” But no one brought it up afterwards, so we’ll just let sleeping dogs lie… Man! I think **AG** and I will do a quicky Elvis-type wedding in Vegas… less painful to us AND others! ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/11 "2001-09-24T14:39:17Z")
Yup, been there for the “Catholic Aerobics” classes, er, Mass: Genuflect, cross, scooch down the pew, sit, stand, kneel, cross, bow head, kneel, sit, stand, kneel, go to altar for a quick snack, sit, look at watch, scooch across pew, genuflect, shake hands, hug the bride, go home. Waitaminnit - you mean none of the bridesmaids was wearing a big ol’ buttbow? Nuh uh, can’t be a true wedding with a buttbow. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/12 "2001-09-24T15:24:32Z")
_sniff_ sounds like a beautiful wedding, man. snerk. **Screech** , have you heard of [Dierdre Flint?](http://artists.mp3s.com/artist_song/119/119592.html) And as she shoved her feet into a set of matching four inch heels For lack of any better words I said, “Someday, Jumbo Butt Bows Will be the rage that’s what my hunch is.” ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/13 "2001-09-24T16:50:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rue DeDay \* > **Programs! Programs! Getch-yer programs! Can’t tell a bridesmaid from the flowergirl without a program!** Too funny, Rue! (Groin! 😉 I don’t descend from svelte peoples, either) The program thing is always good for a laugh. _"Parents of the Bride…John and Mary DoofusBrain Parents of the Groom…Dave and Cathy WeinerSchnitzel Grandparents of the Bride…Myron and Edna Whothefuckcares Grandparents of the Groom…Larry and Zelda Ithoughtheyweredead_ and on and on… ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/14 "2001-09-24T17:02:38Z")
How many people would I offend if I paraphrased this line: “Jesus moved pretty good for a guy wearing a dress.” as a sig? Something like: Jess – Gee, that Jesus moves pretty good for a guy wearing a dress. ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/15 "2001-09-24T17:30:48Z")
-sits in the library snickering trying to keep quiet so she doesn’t get kicked out- Veeery funny… now I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to church myself… but then I haven’t been back in awhile… ---
**Author:** ![Rue\_DeDay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/41988e/32.png) [@Rue\_DeDay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rue_DeDay)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/16 "2001-09-24T17:32:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by screech-owl \* > **Yup, been there for the “Catholic Aerobics” classes, er, Mass: Genuflect, cross, scooch down the pew, sit, stand, kneel, cross, bow head, kneel, sit, stand, kneel, go to altar for a quick snack, sit, look at watch, scooch across pew, genuflect, shake hands, hug the bride, go home.** I forgot to mention The Snack Time of God. They served drinks too. It was a regular God Buffet. (I couldn’t join in for personal reasons.) (Can you tell what they might be?) -Rue. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/17 "2001-09-24T17:34:13Z")
Yo, check it out! [groin vault](http://www.pitt.edu/~medart/menuglossary/groinvault.htm) Hadda throw some edification in here, 'specially since I didn’t know what a groin vault looked like, meself. **Jess** - I think “Jesus was too wiley for that crap” would be a much better sig line. ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/18 "2001-09-24T19:13:29Z")
This is exactly the reason that my wedding was three minutes long. It was the best wedding ever. –Cliffy ---
**Author:** ![DAVEW0071](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19b73/32.png) [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2001, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/19 "2001-09-24T23:16:51Z")
> [@](#): > > Dave, wasn’t the lost Marx Brother, Gummo? (I think it was. Really.) You’re right, although the case could be made that he wasn’t so much lost as merely lost to the immortality of film. Gummo (born Milton) was the juvenile in the Marx Bros. vaudeville act. When WWI broke out, they realized that out of five brothers, one would have to go into the service, and since the character Gummo played was the least essential to the act, he was chosen. He was replaced by Zeppo, who was too young for military service. But, judging from the type of roles Zeppo had in the movies, Gummo’s talents weren’t necessarily wasted. Sorry for the hijack. Just couldn’t resist sharing some of my expertise in Marxiana. ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2001, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358/20 "2001-09-25T02:29:15Z")
> [@](#): > > I forgot to mention The Snack Time of God. They served drinks too. It was a regular God Buffet. (I couldn’t join in for personal reasons.) (Can you tell what they might be?) The one and only reason I would like to take communion is so, after church when my husband says, “So, you wanna go get some breakfast?” I could reply, “No thanks, I’m all full up on Jesus.” BTW, remember that old egg commercial? “The incredible, edible egg”? Well, whenever I’m sitting in church when people are going up to communion, I’m always singing to myself – “The incredible, edible _God!_” Sometimes I sing it to the kids in the car going home afterwards. My whole family is pretty convinced I’m on the fast train to a particularly hot corner of the Bad Place… Jess [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/maybe-i-shouldnt-be-allowed-in-a-church/83358.md?page=2)