# Medical Professionals, What Embarrassing Sexual Injuries Have You Witnessed? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 6, 2006, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578 "2006-06-06T05:02:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/61 "2006-06-08T18:16:53Z")
[QUOTE=Tomcat] Fecal matter is full of water. It is moist and squishy. When a foreign object that is not moist and squishy is entered into the rectum, the body tries to coat it with mucos after awhile. AFAIK, this mucos covering can then ‘bind’ to the walls of the rectum. Google ‘fecal impactation’ for a description of blocked matter in the butt. -Tcat [/QUOTE] [nitpick]impaction[/nitpick] ---
**Author:** ![Cynical\_Optimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Cynical\_Optimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cynical_Optimist)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/62 "2006-06-08T18:31:23Z")
Let’s just get this classic UL preserved for the archive: > [@](#): > > “In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,” Eric Tomazewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomazewski and his homosexual partner Andrew “Kiki” Farnum had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. > > “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in.”, he explained. “As usual, Kiki shouted out ‘Armageddon’, my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.” > > At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomazewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball. Tomazewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. > > Editor’s Notes : Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story > > 1. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum …” > > 2. “So I peered in to the tube …”.(I’m sorry, but that’s like looking through a telescope into hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at the sun). > > 3. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of a guy’s ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle. > > 4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone’s anus. I’m guessing, but I seriously doubt the gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey in Kiki’s “tunnel of love.” > > 5. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums. > > 6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromanical, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can’t imagine looking at a doctor and saying “Well Doc, it’s like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took a cardboard tube …” > > 7. “First and second degree burns to the anus.” Wouldn’t this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief ? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God’s green earth. > > 8. People names “Kiki” which is obviously a Polynesian word for “Idiotic white man who inserts rodents up his butt.” > > 9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this? > > 10. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I am getting a whole new image of the Osmond family. ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/63 "2006-06-08T19:21:03Z")
[QUOTE=Tomcat] I have witnessed a friend screwing his girlfriend while both were precariously balanced on the edge of a 15-storey drop off the edge of a building… [/QUOTE] “[**Tomcat**], you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow? I want to party with you, cowboy. The two of us together? Forget it.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/64 "2006-06-08T19:25:22Z")
> [@](#): > > "As usual, Kiki shouted out ‘Armageddon’, my cue that he’d had enough Well, that should tip you off right there that it’s an UL. Who the hell uses a Safeword as long as “Armageddon”? ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/65 "2006-06-08T19:58:38Z")
I believe the stories in this thread. I won’t argue the point with someone past this. A person went to jail for putting fecal matter in the meat for the Portage Txxx Bxxx before it had been a year old. A man and women working at Rxxxx Rxxxxx’s, at the Madison State Street location, were having sex on the kitchen prep table. They were caught after many weeks of doing this in the early 80’s. Every year it seems that some pervert in Wisconsin ends up in court for beastiality. You have people killing other’s for wierd sexual desires like jeffrey dahmer, and you can’t beleive out of over 6 billion people on this planet, some one would stick an object in their rectum and get caught. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/66 "2006-06-08T20:08:41Z")
[QUOTE=Tomcat] You of course know I am NOT attacking you, that this is all in good fun, right? [/QUOTE] Of course. It is a thread about sticking odd stuff up your butt, after all. How seriously can I take it? > [@](#): > > And a lightbulb ain’t household? Candles, man. They fit better. :eek: As far as moist and squishy mucus-covered fecal matter goes, consider my ignorance fought. Thanks for the information. That was a lot of information. One might even say that it was too much. Which leaves me to ask, how stupid does one have to be to insert a light bulb? Sure, it’s shaped like an egg, but if pressure isn’t applied evenly, then yolk’s on you. But I did once insert an ice cube on a dare. It was an “interesting” way to beat the summer heat. ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/67 "2006-06-08T20:13:47Z")
[QUOTE=Harmonious Discord] Every year it seems that some pervert in Wisconsin ends up in court for beastiality. [/QUOTE] Wow. If you’re from Georgia, you end up [in congress](http://www.villagevoice.com/news/0520,mondosplit1,64168,6.html). (Maybe NSFW) ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/68 "2006-06-08T20:17:56Z")
Crap. I apologize, the Village Voice has a NSW pic up on that page. [Here’s](http://www.newshounds.us/2005/05/06/bizarre_sex_habits_of_the_extreme_rightwing.php) a transcript of the show without the “finest ass in NY” slideshow. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/69 "2006-06-08T20:48:59Z")
When an acquaintance of mine got arrested for public intoxication, he spent the night in jail (in Iowa, very uncrowded). Alone in his cell, he evidently got bored and decided to try to suck his own penis. The cot frame gave out under his efforts, which hurt his back enough that he couldn’t get unstuck from his position. He finally had to call for help from the guards, who found him with his pants around his ankles, bent double and stuck in the cot. My ex picked him up the next morning, got the whole story and about died laughing. ---
**Author:** ![Excalibre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Excalibre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Excalibre)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/70 "2006-06-08T20:59:30Z")
[QUOTE=gabriela] I knew I was not a very good intern, and it was scary as hell to realize I knew more basic medicine than some of the attendings. For instance, there was my main surgery attending, who had some striking lab values named after him. Let’s call him Dr Demento. “Dr Demento’s IV bolus” meant sodium higher than systolic blood pressure. “Dr Demento’s dialyzable” meant potassium greater than respirations. [/QUOTE] Could you explain this? I’m guessing that sodium shouldn’t be higher than systolic blood pressure and potassium should be higher than respiration rate, but I don’t get the context - was he somehow botching surgeries so that patients ended up with their electrolytes out of whack? Or what? ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/71 "2006-06-08T21:21:44Z")
[QUOTE=Excalibre] Could you explain this? I’m guessing that sodium shouldn’t be higher than systolic blood pressure and potassium should be higher than respiration rate, but I don’t get the context - was he somehow botching surgeries so that patients ended up with their electrolytes out of whack? Or what? [/QUOTE] Hyperkalemia (elevated K levels) is sometimes treated with dialysis, but if it’s only slightly elevated (between 5 & 7 mEq), it’s usually more conservatively treated with meds, unless there’s other signs of renal distress/failure. Elevated potassium is not the sole indicator of kidney failure, but apparently Dr. Demento treated it as if it were. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/72 "2006-06-08T21:50:21Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] As far as moist and squishy mucus-covered fecal matter goes, consider my ignorance fought. Thanks for the information. That was a lot of information. One might even say that it was too much. [/QUOTE] Q: How many Drs does it take to change a lightbulb…once its been shoved up some guys ass…? A: I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Really. Just stop, okay…? That whirring sound you hear is Tom Edison…and he ain’t trying to generate electricity. Guess GE brings bad things to light too. _seriously squicked_ ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/73 "2006-06-08T22:34:12Z")
Maureen: I’m glad he isn’t in Wisconsin, our officials may all be corrupt, but at least they don’t think all farmers screw their mules. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/74 "2006-06-08T23:36:57Z")
I work ER. I’ve seen a number of rectal and vaginal foreign bodies – Finesse hairspray (lid to can only), Ban deodorant (good idea), Christmas light bulb (happy holiday), garden hose nozzle, vibrators (usually still “on”). I’ve seen penile lacerations due to vacuum cleaners (three times) and a “radish cleaner” (once). I’ve seen people with large metallic cock rings left on for three days before coming to the ER with eggplant like genatalia. I’ve seen broken penises secondary to overdeveloped female pelvic musculature (once) and due to a mistimed leap from the nighttable (and I’ll never understand why this patient did not remove the Batman costume BEFORE coming to the departmnent). But I’m young. The older docs have much better stories. I’m just saying what I’ve seen personally. ---
**Author:** ![Excalibre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Excalibre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Excalibre)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/75 "2006-06-08T23:47:25Z")
[QUOTE=Dr\_Paprika] I’ve seen broken penises secondary to overdeveloped female pelvic musculature (once) [/QUOTE] HOLY HELL!! You mean some woman did her Kegels so thoroughly that she _snapped a dude’s penis with her vulva_? After that bit of vagina dentata imagery, I am now even gayer than I was before. ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2006, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/76 "2006-06-08T23:55:32Z")
Ok, we had one in the ER not too long ago, couple goin at it pretty hard, he gave her a vaginal tear of sufficient severity to require us calling in the ob/gyn to take her for a surgical repair. So I ask, when it’s just us professionals, “do you consider that blunt or penetrating trauma?” ---
**Author:** ![Hirundo82](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/919ad9/32.png) [@Hirundo82](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hirundo82)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/77 "2006-06-09T00:23:48Z")
[QUOTE=Maureen] Hyperkalemia (elevated K levels) is sometimes treated with dialysis, but if it’s only slightly elevated (between 5 & 7 mEq), it’s usually more conservatively treated with meds, unless there’s other signs of renal distress/failure. Elevated potassium is not the sole indicator of kidney failure, but apparently Dr. Demento treated it as if it were. [/QUOTE] It may be he wasn’t treating them aggressively enough. If their K is higher than respiratory rate they either are bradypneic or very hyperkalemic, since K is supposed to be 3.5-5 and resps are supposed to be 12-20. If I’m thinking about this correctly, something needs to be very wrong before K\>RR. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/78 "2006-06-09T00:39:38Z")
OK, going on with Brut Hombre. We took him over and sent him up to Surgery, where he was put to asleep by a bored but amused anesthesiologist, and we all gloved up and took turns trying to fish the Brut bottle out through his anus. Impossible. You ever stick your gloved hand up a guy’s ass like that, you will realize why men don’t give birth. That v-shaped angle of the male pelvis makes it impossible to get stuff out through there. Or your hand up there. My hand folded in as it passed through that pelvic V until my thumb was touching my palm. Not only did it hurt like hell, but the deepest I got was the tips of my index and second fingers just touching the bottle. No way I could free it or haul it out. So Spider Webb called for the OB/gyn tray. You think you’re squcked out, imagine being the next pregnant woman who needs those instruments. OK, they went through the autoclave after Spider got through with them, but still. She worked and worked at that anus until she got really impatient with me, with my chief resident, with Anesthesia, and with that damn Brut bottle (never said a word against the patient, though - maybe she and Patch Adams had something in common). Spider impatient at 1:00 in the morning was a sight to see. Maybe a more comfortable sight if I had been on the sidelines, instead of watching it point at me. Sometime after 0100 hours Spider gave it up. She announced, we will do an open laparotomy, and we will remove this Brut bottle, and that’s it. Set up for it. Now our chief resident, who was a very brainy partially bald young man of 27 who had scary eyes and two nicknames, Sherlock Holmes’ Smarter Brother and Psycho Chief, did not like this. He was muttering to me and to the anesthesiologist the whole time they set up. Because, you see, if you operate on uncleansed bowel nine hours into a bowel obstruction, the unfortunate patient has to have a colostomy. Oh, they can get it reversed three to six months later. But for three to six months, they have to wear the bag. And this poor guy was 22. Psycho Chief kept saying, “It isn’t a fair punishment to get a colostomy for kinky sex!!!” ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/79 "2006-06-09T00:44:52Z")
Spider and I were scrubbing up at the OR sinks when Psycho Chief, who hadn’t turned up to scrub with us, appeared in the doorway. His scary eyes were blazing. In a voice of thunder he shouted, “STOP!” Spider and I looked at eachother. It was clear we thought Psycho Chief had cracked, and was about to do us some whoop-ass can of harm. Spider clearly didn’t think much of my capabilities if it came to whooping him back. She was probably wishing she could get one of her spike heels out of the OR locker room so she could stab his forehead. Psycho Chief pointed an indicting finger at me and announced, “_She_ will scrub. _You_ will not. We will perform a mini-laparotomy and we will _milk that bottle down!!!_” Spider looked at him and at me again. Clearly he wasn’t nuts. Just right on that line between genius and insanity. ---
**Author:** ![buttonjockey308](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@buttonjockey308](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buttonjockey308)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/80 "2006-06-09T00:46:40Z")
[QUOTE=TubaDiva] Again, Cecil knows: [The Straight Dope: Is it true what they say about gerbils?](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_216b.html) [/QUOTE] Suck ass! HA!! Any rate, working on the South Side of Chicago for my Paramedic school ride time, you see quite a bit. Most memorable to date was the woman who called in having severe vaginal pain and bleeding. We got there, and sure enough, she was a-bleedin, and screaming in pain and from the symptoms of withdrawl. We scoop her from the crack house, bring her to the ER, and while we’re hanging out waiting for paperwork, the attending comes by and chucks a bag of money at the crew I was riding with. That’s right kids, the $427 dollars our patient had stuffed up her hoo-ha and forgotten about (that’s a medical term doncha know) had caused a serious problem (on top of the others that she likely had) with her female parts. Remember that the next time you do pretty much ANYTHING with a dollar bill. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578.md?page=5)