# Medical Professionals, What Embarrassing Sexual Injuries Have You Witnessed? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 6, 2006, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578 "2006-06-06T05:02:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/101 "2006-06-09T10:22:10Z")
Oh no, I liked that, thank you. I was confused because I was having a hard time remembering the typical normal for sodium and couldn’t figure out how far out of whack your patients would be. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/102 "2006-06-09T10:25:10Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] Are you **sure** this wasn’t one of the hospitals near to Brooklyn, rather than Brooklyn, proper? My father had some rather negative experiences with an institution two rivers away that sounds like it would be a candidate. (Neglecting to x-ray an 84 year old woman’s leg after an automobile/pedestrian accident seems just a bit like something that Dr. Demento might have done.) Did you ever see the Path report on that Brut bottle? I am more than a little curious as to what assays, and cultures, they’d have done. (For that matter, I suspect that any Path team that silly/stupid to insist on the Brut bottle in the first place would try cutting it open for a good sample - which would have let them go to the ER, too.) [/QUOTE] Sorry for so many posts in a row. This was a hospital right spang in the midst of the north cough cough western cough section of Brooklyn near… not going to say. I am sure there are equally bad hospitals out on Long Guyland, though I hope I never find out. I wasn’t aware at that phase of my life that I was going to be a pathologist someday (thought Path was the God-given segment of lectures where I could go to sleep; why, they even turned down the lights to show microscope slides!), so I never read it. I will venture to guess, from the laziness of that hospital, that they never cultured it or opened it or did anything at all. Likely wrote down “Burt botel” and threw it out. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/103 "2006-06-09T10:27:02Z")
[QUOTE=Ferret Herder] Oh no, I liked that, thank you. I was confused because I was having a hard time remembering the typical normal for sodium and couldn’t figure out how far out of whack your patients would be. [/QUOTE] You’re really kind and I’m glad you weren’t bored. If Dr. Demento was in charge of them, they would be way out of whack. Fortunately he had reached the stage in his life in which we interns, who were total beginners, took care of the IV fluids on his patients in the ICU, and he only operated. Eesh. ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/104 "2006-06-09T10:28:37Z")
[QUOTE=Qadgop the Mercotan] For too long, the topic of urethral stuffing has been ignored on this board… [/QUOTE] Ah, it’s always so good when **QtM** weighs in from his unbelievable worklife. **Malacandra** , I think there’s your sig. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/105 "2006-06-09T14:55:31Z")
[QUOTE=Excalibre] Wait, what? What’d I do? I was just hoping she’d elaborate on a previous post I was confused about. I didn’t mean anything bad by it. [/QUOTE] Nah - no worries. I just wanted to revel in the colon-stuffing, mucus-encrusted storytelling goodness (did I actually just type that?!) that was \*\*gabriela’s \*\* post chain, while you were focused on getting your questions answered…sorry’s all around… ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/106 "2006-06-09T15:01:24Z")
[QUOTE=gabriela] Ah, it’s always so good when **QtM** weighs in from his unbelievable worklife. **Malacandra** , I think there’s your sig. [/QUOTE] Well, if the good Doctor is willing… 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Crescend](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Crescend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crescend)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/107 "2006-06-09T17:58:38Z")
**gabriela** and **QtM** always have the best stories. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/108 "2006-06-09T18:14:51Z")
From The Onion story: > [@](#): > > …as there are anuses, there will be people cramming things up them. And Dopers will live to be entertained for another day. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/109 "2006-06-09T18:30:52Z")
So, if your loving relationship with your farm tractor ends, do you send it a Dear John or a John Deere letter? ---
**Author:** ![Cleophus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e57/32.png) [@Cleophus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cleophus)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/110 "2006-06-09T18:55:27Z")
[QUOTE=Qadgop the Mercotan] and ramen noodles. [/QUOTE] WTF? Did he force them up with another object, like an _ahem_ muzzleloader? ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/111 "2006-06-09T19:05:23Z")
They would be using a Peterbilt with a belt running the silo blower. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/112 "2006-06-09T19:10:41Z")
[QUOTE=Cleophus] WTF? Did he force them up with another object, like an _ahem_ muzzleloader? [/QUOTE] And where they cooked or uncooked? ---
**Author:** ![Crescend](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Crescend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crescend)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/113 "2006-06-09T20:45:23Z")
[QUOTE=Guinastasia] And where they cooked or uncooked? [/QUOTE] The rare situation involving urethral insertion where ‘limp noodle’ can be considered a technical term. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/114 "2006-06-09T22:15:05Z")
**"He needed aggressive urethral dilation"** I never knew such a thing existed. I don’t want it, but I’m strangely fascinated. Forget the $500 fine; this should be the new penalty for littering. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/115 "2006-06-09T22:28:42Z")
> [@Crescend](#): > > The rare situation involving urethral insertion where ‘limp noodle’ can be considered a technical term. That made me laugh harder than anything else in this thread! Although, brava **gabriela**! ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/116 "2006-06-09T23:42:29Z")
[QUOTE=Beadalin] Although, brava **gabriela**! [/QUOTE] Yess…although…I’m given to wonder; was your department head so gung ho to cut that he didn’t bother with a gastro consult? I mean, unless the bottle had made it up past the cecum (doubtful) there’s no real reason it couldn’t have been removed scopically via snare, right? ---
**Author:** ![gabriela](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/db5fbb/32.png) [@gabriela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gabriela)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2006, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/117 "2006-06-09T23:54:17Z")
[QUOTE=Maureen] Yess…although…I’m given to wonder; was your department head so gung ho to cut that he didn’t bother with a gastro consult? I mean, unless the bottle had made it up past the cecum (doubtful) there’s no real reason it couldn’t have been removed scopically via snare, right? [/QUOTE] How dare you call Spider Webb a he. You’re showing your youth, young lady. In the early 80’s scopes were still dubious and tentative equipment. Nobody did laparoscopic gall bladders. Interventional radiology was still crowing about their ability to stop bleeding from some vessels, some of the time, by pushing a coil up to the source. If there had been a scope with a snare at HellHole, which is doubtful, Spider Webb wouldn’t have known how to use it in 1983. (I am sure that if she is still in practice, she is as skilled as any expert surgeon.) But she sure knew how to cut. I wonder what happened to Psycho Chief. He may have, er, calmed down after getting out of our residency. We used to have a saying - “This program builds character!” (stop and look around for eavesdroppers) “Just look at the characters it’s built.” Indeed. Thanks for the bravas (bravae), friends. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2006, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/118 "2006-06-10T01:55:00Z")
Okay, **gabriela** , I’ve tried to resist but can no longer: Did UHaul Hospital have a beautiful view? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Catfood\_Purrito](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Catfood\_Purrito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catfood_Purrito)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2006, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/119 "2006-06-10T02:16:39Z")
A couple weeks ago, I transcribed both the GI consult and the surgical report about a guy who shoved an Old Spice bottle up his ass. They wound up having to remove it laparoscopically, and he had to have a colostomy. What the heck is it with cheap cologne bottles? My favorite was the guy with the cock ring. They had tried everything to get that puppy off, even called in the Fire Department to bring some form of stronger cutting device. I can’t remember how they eventually got it off. That dictation sort of peeved me, though, because it’s difficult to transcribe a report when the doctor won’t stop giggling. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2006, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578/120 "2006-06-10T07:15:00Z")
I like the (possibly UL) story about the guy who inserted a lubed-up lightbulb on a bet and, three days later, has passed neither the lightbulb nor anything else. So they take him in and make him assume the kneeling position, introduce lots of oil and then slipped three Foley catheters, each with a balloon secured to the end, around the lightbulb. They inflated the balloons and applied gentle traction to the Foleys and waited for about ten minutes until the anus dilated enough to permit the passage of the lightbulb and (as I remember the phrasing) “a torrent of faecal matter”. Heh. Three days’ worth of backed-up poop exiting through a hole temporarily widened to over 2" diameter… :eek: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/medical-professionals-what-embarrassing-sexual-injuries-have-you-witnessed/359578.md?page=7)