# Memorable Family Guy Quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 24, 2004, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853 "2004-10-24T02:45:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/41 "2004-10-25T02:38:06Z")
Actually,now that I recall better, my fave quote was still from the Xmas episode, where Stewie wonders how Santa can see all children at all times. "How does he do it? I know! Surveillance!“he looks at the ornament, moons it and says"Check this twice!” ---
**Author:** ![Atticus\_Finch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ec9cab/32.png) [@Atticus\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atticus_Finch)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/42 "2004-10-25T02:39:44Z")
Man watching guns being burnt: Hey, you remember the other day when you asked me what the definition of “irony” was? Well…aaaagggh! (Man mauled by octopus-Stewie) … Quagmire: Fat chicks need love too! But they’ve gotta pay! … Einstein as patent clerk: So, what is it you want to patent today, Herr Schmidt? Schmidt: I call it Schmidt’s Theory of Relativity! Einstein: (points) Hey, look at this! Schmidt: What? (Einstein slams head in grate and runs off with papers) … Peter: Women aren’t people, they’re devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our amusement. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/43 "2004-10-25T02:45:53Z")
> [@Atticus Finch](#): > > Peter: Women aren’t people, they’re devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our amusement. Peter: Lee Majors said it! Lee Majors: What? Women are things! ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/44 "2004-10-25T02:59:29Z")
Peter: “Lois, I invited Mr. Weed over for dinner tonight.” Lois: “Peter, you know what happened last time we had guests!” _Flashback showing The Griffons eating dinner with Margot Kidder. All of the sudden Margot just goes batshit and starts destroying everything_ The great thing was how she showed up TWO MORE TIMES for no apparent reason and just started trashing stuff. Its the repeating gag on par with the ‘racoon coming out of nowhere’ when the Griffins had to relocate. ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/45 "2004-10-25T13:01:38Z")
> [@Yumblie](#): > > Peter: It’s our civic duty! Heheheh…duty. Heheheheh…diarrhea. Hey Lois! > > Lois: What? > > Peter: Diarrhea. > > Lois: Oh, hehehehe. Doesn’t she also add, “Stop it, I’m holding ice tea.” Brian: Are you sure it was something you read, are you sure it wasn’t NOTHING!" Peter: Oh yeah. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/46 "2004-10-25T13:02:43Z")
Lois: What’s going on down here? Stewie: Oh, we’re playing house. Lois: That boy’s all tied up. Stewie: Roman Polanski’s house ---
**Author:** ![Nutty\_Bunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d07c76/32.png) [@Nutty\_Bunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nutty_Bunny)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/47 "2004-10-25T13:20:35Z")
Conversation re: Chris trying to lose weight Cleveland: “Peter, why don’t you suck the fat out?” Peter: “If you can find a hole on that boy that you want to put your mouth on, be my guest!” And this one isn’t a quote, but my favorite scene is when Peter is trying to breastfeed Stewie and Stewie wakes up and realizes he’s sucking on Peter’s nipple. He feels around in his mouth for a hair, looks up at Peter and shudders in horror. I think it’s the horrified shuddering that makes it to funny. ---
**Author:** ![dasgupta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e56c9b/32.png) [@dasgupta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dasgupta)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/48 "2004-10-25T14:08:07Z")
Quagmire stands naked in front of an open window, which drops shut. Quagmire reaches for the phone and dials. Quagmire: 911? Yeah, it’s Quagmire. Yeah, it’s stuck in the window this time. And one I try to use in conversation… Lois and Peter are sitting at the kitchen table, talking. Lois: We’ll just ignore it, like the giant squid. (Pan to the other side of the table where a giant squid is lying on the floor. Said squid flails its tenticles around, smashing things.) Peter: Uhhh… truck going by. Lois: Earthquake. Cracks me up every time. ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/49 "2004-10-25T14:58:41Z")
> [@Stricker van Gogh](#): > > Brian, speaking of his sexual history: “I’ve licked my share of peanut-butter.” :eek: ---
**Author:** ![sqweels](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f19dbf/32.png) [@sqweels](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sqweels)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/50 "2004-10-25T15:14:27Z")
Stewie (to a drunken Brian): “Well, if isn’t Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog”. ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/51 "2004-10-25T15:24:39Z")
Is the peanut butter a referenct to Road Trip? Oh, and I like it when Stewie’s taunting someone while eating steak. "Oh, this steak is so good! It’s or_gaaaas_mic ---
**Author:** ![Neurotik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/91b2a8/32.png) [@Neurotik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neurotik)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/52 "2004-10-25T15:29:48Z")
> [@chaoticdonkey](#): > > Is the peanut butter a referenct to Road Trip? Peanut butter is a reference to some people’s practice of smearing peanut butter on their genitals and having their dog lick it off. ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2004, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/53 "2004-10-25T15:31:28Z")
Ah, yes. That was explored on Road Trip. I’d never heard it outside of there, though. ---
**Author:** ![gonzoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a6a055/32.png) [@gonzoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzoron)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2004, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/54 "2004-10-26T15:35:44Z")
(On the outhouse he’s using tipping over) Peter: “Oh, Oh god, it’s everywhere! It’s in my raccoon wounds!” (On hitting his shin on something) Peter: "(sucking air through teeth) aahhhh… (sucking air through teeth) aahhhh… (sucking air through teeth) aahhhh… (sucking air through teeth) aahhhh… " (doesn’t work well when typed) (On finding a tied up underage teenager in a bathroom stall) Quagmire: “Jackpot!” ---
**Author:** ![gonzoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a6a055/32.png) [@gonzoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzoron)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2004, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/55 "2004-10-26T15:38:39Z")
> [@gonzoron](#): > > (On finding a tied up underage teenager in a bathroom stall) Quagmire: “Jackpot!” There was supposed the be a “cheerleader” in there somewhere. Anyway, here’s another quote: Stewie: “hey there big guy. you holding up alright? you want a soda? hmm? … screw it, i tried.” ---
**Author:** ![My\_Darn\_Snake\_Legs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f14d63/32.png) [@My\_Darn\_Snake\_Legs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/My_Darn_Snake_Legs)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2004, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/56 "2004-10-26T16:34:07Z")
Lois is trying to feed Stewie (I think this was in the very first episode) with the old “plane flies into the hanger” method. Stewie: “Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright brothers!” ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2004, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/57 "2004-10-26T18:35:50Z")
> [@gonzoron](#): > > (On finding a tied up underage teenager in a bathroom stall) Quagmire: “Jackpot!” Actually, what makes it great is: Quagmire: Dear diary: JACKPOT! From last night’s ep: Bill Gates: What’s a quarter? Peter: You know what? I always thought that dogs…laid eggs. I learned something today. ---
**Author:** ![mallocks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f4b2a3/32.png) [@mallocks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mallocks)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2004, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/58 "2004-10-26T18:49:42Z")
> [@Cliffy](#): > > For some reason each child is to be given a wish. > > Chris: I wish I had a new hat! > Meg: I wish I had a new hat! > Stewie: I wish they had new hats! > > (Note that Chris and Meg are typically seen with chapeau, while Stewie is uncovered.) > > –Cliffy Actually they’re not given wishes, you’re thinking of S03E21 - Family Guy Viewer Mail, Peter is to be granted 3 wishes, but nonetheless the kids try to get in on his good fortune: Chris: I want a new hat! Meg: I want a new hat! Stewie: I want them to have new hats! Lois: Now kids, these are your father’s wishes … It is a very good quotation though, I love it for the randomness 🙂 Anyway I should really provide my own … Cult leader in the Griffen’s house, who Stewie believes to be a man sent to put him back into that cursed ovarian bastille from whence he managed to escape. Cult leader: What do you want? Stewie: Freedom! What do you want? Cult leader: I want to get the hell out of here! Stewie: Oh I’m sorry, we’re fresh out of that, all we have is untimely death! Cult leader: What is this? Stewie: It’s a boy! \ ---
**Author:** ![Phelan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Phelan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phelan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2004, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/59 "2004-10-26T20:32:58Z")
This one might be a little off, but here it is. Peter: I think I read it in a book… Brian: Are you sure it wasn’t nothing? Peter: Yeah, it was nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853/60 "2004-10-27T03:24:18Z")
[after Peter says something particularly inane] Brian: Do you even listen to what you’re saying? Peter: eh, I drift in and out. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/memorable-family-guy-quotes/270853.md?page=4)