Memorable Quotes from D&D (or other Roleplaying) Games

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

One of the all-time classic quotes I’ve had the pleasure to witness took place during a mini-campaign some of us had started while attending the ‘Governor’s Honors Academy’, sort of a summer-campish getaway for smart highschool juniors, way back in the summer of '95.

Player #1 was playing a Bard. Player #2, a prototypical Dwarf.

They’d just met an Elven Queen in my game, a woman possessed of more-than-mortal beauty, and the Bard went on for two minutes in an impromptu speech/sonnet describing how humbled he was to be in her radiant presence. It was impressively verbose.

Quoth the Dwarf: “Ditto.”

62

I played in my first D&D one-shot about a month ago, and my party managed to take what was supposed to be a diplomatic mission and change it into, “Kill and/or attempt to seduce everything that moves”. At one point, we ended up killing a bear; unfortunately, our hosts worshipped bears. So, to get rid of the bear, we decided to eat it. That led to the quote, “I roll a Kraft bear sandwich check. 15. That’s a pretty good sandwich!” Incidentally, we ended up oh-so-subtly blowing up the rest of the bear.

And this one needs no explanation: “Your cover is blown as the Litorian begins catcalling the dragon.”

63

Upon being informed of a penalty to his armor class due to his much discussed fine white robes, a member of our vastly overpowered party cried out incredulously, “Wait a minute. I’m walking through the desert, in the dead of night, with an eight foot Lizard wearing gilt inlay and diamonds in his hide, three guys in full mithril plate mail, and a Cleric with a continually lit mace held in front of him, and you are saying these guys noticed us because I’m wearing A WHITE ROBE?”

Tris

64

This isn’t a quote per se, but my DM had a running gag: Dungeon Insurance. We were constantly hassled till we bought it, and after that in any remotely dangerous area we’d see signs saying

“Warning: Dungeon Insurance will not honor claims arising from activity in this area.”

65

Before I moved Up North, I had a great bunch of friends to RP Vampire with. We spent many a night getting nothing accomplished, just laughing our asses off. Two episodes stand out in my mind:

Episode 1

Adam was playing a Malkavian. My Tzimisce had somehow (? I think it was because the ST had a crush on me) won the heart of a Ravnos NPC (THAT was a FUCKED UP relationship, let me tell you) with large family of mortals, kin, and some kind of Garou (I forget which Tribe, it’s been a loong time).

Anyway, said Ravnos decided to have a party at the communal house all the player’s shared. Adam’s C, Leif, was multiple personality, and one of them was The Crocodile Hunter. He went a-hunting for Garou. The Garou hated all the PCs, duh, but kept mostly in line because of the involvement of the NPC with my C (well, that, and because she was scaaaaary).

“Ah, we have spotted a mighty Garou in human form. Let’s see if we can’t get him to change.”

Proceeds to jump on the back of one of the Grou and twist him nipple. Pissed-off shape-shifting ensues.

“Ah, it seems the nipple acts as a trigger.”

Leif gets the crap beats out of him, but escapes to hide in his closet, filled with stuffed animals. Said Garou finds him. Leif pops out of the closet with a stuffed cat on a plate.

“Dinner is served.”

The only reason he lived is because the ST’s rule was to do everything NOT to kill of C’s, unless it wasn’t avoidable. Leif came veeery close many, many times.

Episode 2

We met Cain (a loooooong story involving my C going half-insane and being haunted by her sire, and kept getting all these cryptic messages on how to prevent the Apocalypse). The ST was describing him.

“He has long, flowing hair.”

Jerem, Jenni, and Adam, “He has long flowing hair.”

“He’s wearing yadda yadda.”

JJ&A, “He’s wearing yadda yadda.”

This went on for about 15 minutes.
Maybe this stuff is funny because we played from about 10pm-5am, and got kinds loopy at the end. But by god, at the time we were all laughing so hard we couldn’t breath.

I have an entire notebook filled with what happened in that game. I’m a note-taker.

Once, my C got skinned by a lesbian Malk. Ah, good times. Not funny, tho. But I digress.

66

I’ve played various RPGs with my good friend Piney for years. He is infamous for coming up with some highly ridiculous idea and hanging on to it like a pit bull. He will use whatever junkie logic he has at his disposal to justify his actions.

The other day, in a campaign where we’re all little dragons, he attempts to spy on an ettin from a rathole. The ettin sees him and reaches in the rathole for him. Piney says “I’ll use my Bluff and squeak like a mouse.” The ettin says “Here lizard lizard lizard!” Piney says “Squeak squeak.” The ettin continues to say “Here lizard lizard.” Piney continues to squeak, because it’s a rat hole, and by logic, it must be a rat in there. So he squeaks louder in case the ettin didn’t hear him the first time. It just keeps going like that as we’re screaming at him that the ettin isn’t buying it.

One time, we challenged Piney to play something other than the scumbag characters he usually plays. He comes up with a paladin he names Roland DeHay. He writes up a 5-page history of him, scrawled single space front & back. Among some of the immortal lines in his epic:

The Elders decided he should have a name this day
And so they called him Roland DeHay

After one long and hard-fought battle, Roland lifts his sword triumphantly in the air, hair streaming in the wind, sunlight glinting on his armor, as he proclaims, “Evil has been thwarted this day dude!”

Another time after a victorious battle he proclaimed “Evil is for losers.”

We told him he could go back to playing scumbags again.

67

A few more non Piney quotes:

In a session of Vampire, the GM had some Elder Vampire of Butt Kicking capture us all and make us beg for our lives. When it came down to a PC named Natas Auschwitz to beg, he said in a completely disaffected apathetic tone of voice, “Please don’t kill me.”

The EVoBK says “Why does that response leave me with an unsettling feeling in my stomach?”

Natas replies, “Gas?”

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In a Rolemaster game, we had performed a service for a religious cult. As our reward, the high priest said we could ask for a boon.

One player says “I want my virginity back.”

The GM, without skipping a beat, replies “They bring in a slave to put alum on your asshole.”

                                             *     *     *

One player named Scott loved to spoil the game with corny puns. One time the GM was describing how fearsome and monstrous a Beholder looked that we encountered.

Scott asks, “I look in its eye. Do I see any beauty in it?”

The GM got up and repeatedly beat him on the shoulder with his fist.

68

I was GMing a special Halloween adventure for my gaming group… (It is a tradition that every year I will have an adventure in my campaign(s) that is horror-themed, on or about October 31st.)

They were staying at the manor of a local knight, who was away on business … intereacting with his wife and kids, and the creepy Bela-Lugosi-voiced butler. (My Bela impression is passable, at least).
After having a charming little dinner, the butler ushered the kids upstairs for their piano lessons … and the party followed right along, to listen.

Of course, my players should’ve seen this coming a mile away.

As the kids play the piano, I as the butler deliver the gem : ‘Ahh… the children of the knight, what music they make!’

Heh. I’m evil. :smiley:

69

Our party was going through a 3’ wide hallway that had a trap that only sprung 20’ into it. The trap triggered gas-jet flames all up and down the hallway, making it so that you had to run through at least 20’ of flames to get back out.
Our magic user had gone in ahead, and declared the hallway safe. The rest of us started down the hallway, we all got 20’ in, the flame jets started, we ran out, flaming, while the mage was safe due to a ring that she had.
The GM started describing the damage. The mage’s player was practically bouncing in her seat, making little horror noises - because she said that it was safe, so it was her fault.
The GM gets as far as “and you’re on fire…” to one of us, when the mage’s player broke in with “Does it hurt?” :eek:
We all just sort of looked at her for a minute. The GM finally responded with:
“It’s FIRE.” :rolleyes:
(she later explained that she thought that it might be an illusion, but still!)

In another game, my players were confronted with two ways that they could go - east or west. Brian spent a good 40 minutes talking to all of the other 6 or so players (all very stubborn) to convince them that east was the way to go. Finally, they all aggreed that it would be the best way.
“So, we all aggree then? We go east?” He asked them. They all nodded. He turned to me. “We go West.” Jaws dropped all around on that one. And yes, he meant it.

70

Two more recent Eric gems :

His thuggish warrior gets tangled up in a mystery, and is at a loss -
“I don’t have anything else I know to do that doesn’t involve randomly killing people.”

Describing the weapons of a primitive tribe we encounter in his game -
“A throwing stick which is a stick they can throw as a thrown weapon.”

71

[drive-by posting]Sorry if this was already posted above…[/dbp]

72

My buddy Doug goes on leave from the Navy and visits his friends back home. He insists I join them in a D&D game, despite the fact that I’ve never really played before. However, he doesn’t quite trust me…

Me: Ooh, I get to make up my own character?
Doug: Actually, if I let you do that, you’ll be something stupid. I know you.
Me: Come on, I can role-play a self-aware rock. Or a half-elf, half-squirrel.
Doug: That’s exactly what I mean. I’m going to come up with your character for you. Here’s the dice, you roll when I tell you.
::rolling commences::
Doug: Ok, you’re going to have an Elven Ranger, blah blah blah blah blah.
Me: Can I at least come up with my own name?
Doug: No. You’d come up with something stupid and non-Elven.
Me: Fine, then. YOU name me.
Doug: Susan.

… SUSAN is a non-stupid Elven name?