# Men abandoning old friendships when they find a partner or GF **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 5, 2014, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539 "2014-09-05T02:29:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/41 "2014-09-08T17:35:15Z")
> [@Melbourne](#): > > My old etiquette book told me that when a man gets married, all old relationships are broken. The new couple may send a note if the couple wish to continue to be friends with one of his old friends. Interesting. How old is this old etiquette book, out of curiosity? Also : does it apply only to _his_ friends, or also to _her_ friends? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/42 "2014-09-08T17:38:52Z")
> [@bump](#): > > Kids are a massive time and energy sink, and at least as far as I’m concerned, I don’t really want to impose that on my friends, and nor do I want to abandon my wife to it by herself while I go out. So it means you go out with other couples with kids because they get it and are more tolerant., and because you don’t need a babysitter with them. In all fairness, you might want to ask your childless friends _first_. ---
**Author:** ![BeeGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5a626/32.png) [@BeeGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeeGee)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/43 "2014-09-08T18:11:59Z")
I’m still trying to wrap my head around the concept that being alone means you’re weak. How does it make you weak? I tell you what makes you weak: settling for any relationship at all just to be seen to be in one. There’s a portal straight to hell for you. Being alone doesn’t make you lonely. All I have to do is look around and see half a dozen examples of shit up with which I will not put to make me quite happy in my single state. I’ve been single for more than 20 years with a few blips here and there. I don’t see how that’s weak at all. When you’re alone you do ALL the chores: cooking, cleaning, minor repairs, taking out the garbage, dealing with a backed up toilet, deciding whether the car can be repaired or it’s time to start over, income taxes, retirement and vacation decisions: all yours. No other person is really vested in these decisions. That can be good or bad, but it certainly isn’t weak. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/44 "2014-09-08T19:48:52Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > In all fairness, you might want to ask your childless friends _first_. I do; there’s one of my male friends who’s a sort of surrogate uncle, since my brother and brother-in-law don’t live in town. He likes coming over and playing with my son(s). But most of our friends are either perpetually single, or couples who are childless by choice, and they tend toward the last-minute planning- at 5:30 pm we’ll get texts like “Hey- who wants to meet tonight for sushi and afterward drinks? Meet at 8:30 at Bluefish, and then on to the bar!” Can’t really pull that off as parents of two small children who eat and go to bed between 6:30-7:30. It’s more like “Let’s meet on the 23rd at 6:30 for sushi, and then drinks until 10- our babysitter is expensive!” ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/45 "2014-09-08T21:39:05Z")
I feel like the OP has abandoned this thread. He’s probably found a girlfriend and no longer cares about any of us. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/46 "2014-09-08T23:26:36Z")
Have you tried getting your friends together to go back to your home town and redo that pub crawl you never finished? It’s not like they are “abandoning” you. When a person has a major life change - new girlfriend, marriage, kid, move, job change, whatever - the dynamic of their existing relationships change. Now maybe a lucky few managed to stay friends with their childhood chums and they all go through life together, Entourage style. But that’s pretty rare. People in relationships tend to lean away from hanging out with single people because a big part of single people’s social activities involve finding relationships of their own (or just hooking up). A married / relationship guy doesn’t want to be a single dude’s wingman and a single dude doesn’t want to waste time shooting the shit with his married pals when he could be out trolling for ass. ---
**Author:** ![MrLee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f8ce5/32.png) [@MrLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrLee)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/47 "2014-09-09T08:25:28Z")
I know of a few cases where the new girlfriend has put subtle pressure on the gentleman in question to spend less time with his bachelor associates. Presumably this is partly due to fear, real or imagined, that he will go out and drunkenly flirt with other ladies. I am married, but did not have many friends to start off with, so it didn’t really affect me. (A victory of sorts…) ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 9:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/48 "2014-09-09T09:26:20Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > People in relationships tend to lean away from hanging out with single people because a big part of single people’s social activities involve finding relationships of their own (or just hooking up). A married / relationship guy doesn’t want to be a single dude’s wingman and a single dude doesn’t want to waste time shooting the shit with his married pals when he could be out trolling for ass. That’s the cool thing about being a geek. Married, single who gives a damn - there’s a new edition of D&D out! ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/49 "2014-09-09T09:32:05Z")
I knew there was a reason I loved you, **Alessan** … do you think your wife will mind? It’s totally a long distance, no strings attached thing. Most of the relationships I know which have held through big life changes involve a shared hobby of the kind that can be had at any age and stage: board games, music, a book club. If all that’s holding a certain group together is being from the same place, the same age, the same gender and equally hungry to get some, well, of course as soon as someone starts getting any on a regular basis the relationship changes! ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/50 "2014-09-09T11:01:29Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > That’s the cool thing about being a geek. Married, single who gives a damn - there’s a new edition of D&D out! Right, so finding a relationship is pretty much out of the question anyway. It’s the same dynamic regardless if you spend your spare time with your friends drinking, racing cars, playing D&D or going to comic book conventions. Even assuming your girlfriend/wife is interested in those things with you. She is not going to want to always do those things with your entire entourage. She is going to want to do certain things with just the two of you (as she should, and you should want to as well, otherwise what’s the point?). Not to mention that depending on what age you are, women tend to be thinking about settling down and starting a family. Men do too, but they tend to think of it as something they do on the side that doesn’t affect their drinking with the boys, D&D nights, golf sundays or whatever. So what happens is the woman is all like “why is this idiot still playing Xbox with his college pals instead of getting serious about moving in together?” ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 11:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/51 "2014-09-09T11:06:12Z")
Wait until they have kids, then you won’t exist all. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/52 "2014-09-09T13:40:56Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > It’s the same dynamic regardless if you spend your spare time with your friends drinking, racing cars, playing D&D or going to comic book conventions. Even assuming your girlfriend/wife is interested in those things with you. She is not going to want to always do those things with your entire entourage. She is going to want to do certain things with just the two of you (as she should, and you should want to as well, otherwise what’s the point?). > > Not to mention that depending on what age you are, women tend to be thinking about settling down and starting a family. Men do too, but they tend to think of it as something they do on the side that doesn’t affect their drinking with the boys, D&D nights, golf sundays or whatever. So what happens is the woman is all like “why is this idiot still playing Xbox with his college pals instead of getting serious about moving in together?” Can I tell you a personal story? I have two very good friends. Back in high school, we’d spend just about every afternoon together (even though we wen’t to different schools). Even afterward we met whenever we could. I’ve been married for 16 years, and have a 9-year-old son. One of my friends is in a long-term relationship with 3 kids, and the other is single and living the geek lifestyle to the hilt. About four or five years ago - after noticing we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of months - we made a decision that every other week, usually on Wednesday, we’d get together and hang out. So every two weeks, I take a train to our home town, we go to a restaurant, and then head out to the single guy’s office to talk, hang and maybe play something. We can’t always keep our schedules - work gets in the way, and my friend with the kids just had a daughter a couple of weeks ago, so we won’t be seeing him for a while - but all and all, it’s been a pretty successful experiment. We can’t exactly pretend we’re back in high school (for one, we have money), but it comes pretty close at times. As for how the women in our lives deal with it… well, the single guy hasn’t been in a long enough relationship for a long time, and my other friend’s CO hasn’t made any objections that I know of. As for my wife, she loves the arrangement. For one, she likes to have the apartment to herself once in a while, at least after the kid goes to sleep. For another, she wants me to be happy. She likes and trusts my friends and knows that we won’t do anything stupid, and fully supports my efforts in keeping the gang together. The only complaint she has is that she doesn’t see my friends often enough - she feels that she has to work on the single one, get him to settle down, and that me and my other friend are just encouraging his lifestyle. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/53 "2014-09-09T13:50:44Z")
That’s pretty awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2014, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/54 "2014-09-10T02:36:53Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > Interesting. How old is this old etiquette book, out of curiosity? > > Also : does it apply only to _his_ friends, or also to _her_ friends? Second hand book in the late 70’s. Best guess would be from the 50’s or 60’s – which would make it looking back even earlier. I remember it being only about _his_ friends, but at the time I wasn’t looking for justification for my own opinions, so I wouldn’t have paid any attention to advice for her. ---
**Author:** ![lisiate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@lisiate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisiate)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2014, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/55 "2014-09-10T02:52:02Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Regarding all of the contentiousness about the observation of the o.p., the Dude Swallowed Into The Event Horizon of a New Relationship (DSITEHNR or “dee-site-hO-ner”) is a well established physical principle complete with a mathematical framework to quantify the time, intensity, and stress of the topology of a relationship manifold in tensor form. I believe John Wheeler worked it out after Kip Throne and Charles Misner disappeared into relationship domains following the initial publication of _Gravitation_. Like gravitational black holes, the singularity of a relationship will lose energy via various radiation processes and will eventually decay given enough time dependent on the collective level of a quantity he referred to as _pseudo-real subnormal local rationality_ or as he spoke of it to close associates, “Bitch Crazy”. > > Unfortunately, Dr. Wheeler’s thesis has never seen wide publication outside of theoretical physics circles where it is hotly contested by quantum relationship theorists who insist that the continuous manifold approach is merely a mathematical convenience and that there are some more exotic and discrete mechanics below the level of direct observation involving non-local hidden variables, causal connections, stochastic evolution, consistent histories, or grand Bohmian-like schemes which suggest that all relationships are fundamentally interconnected through the implicate and explicate order of something or another. They argue that such a more comprehensive “Theory of Everyone” will also explain otherwise irrational and apparently random behavior of women in relationships and allow for predictions of the “meaning” of words (or lack of words) using a universal paradigm to discern multi-valued semantics of common states in a holistic context. However, many theorists believe that such a solution, while potentially viable, will for all practical measurements remain forever beyond the veil of cognitive decoherence, and so we may all as well give up and go watch cricket, which is equally incomprehensible but offers the opportunity to drink beer and yell. > > I had a point when I began all this but it has since collapsed like the waveform of Schrödinger’s cat once you look in the box. > > Stranger This may be the best post I’ve read on this Board ever. ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2014, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/56 "2014-09-10T03:44:41Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > Can I tell you a personal story? > > I have two very good friends. Back in high school, we’d spend just about every afternoon together (even though we wen’t to different schools). Even afterward we met whenever we could. > > I’ve been married for 16 years, and have a 9-year-old son. One of my friends is in a long-term relationship with 3 kids, and the other is single and living the geek lifestyle to the hilt. About four or five years ago - after noticing we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of months - we made a decision that every other week, usually on Wednesday, we’d get together and hang out. So every two weeks, I take a train to our home town, we go to a restaurant, and then head out to the single guy’s office to talk, hang and maybe play something. We can’t always keep our schedules - work gets in the way, and my friend with the kids just had a daughter a couple of weeks ago, so we won’t be seeing him for a while - but all and all, it’s been a pretty successful experiment. We can’t exactly pretend we’re back in high school (for one, we have money), but it comes pretty close at times. > > As for how the women in our lives deal with it… well, the single guy hasn’t been in a long enough relationship for a long time, and my other friend’s CO hasn’t made any objections that I know of. As for my wife, she loves the arrangement. For one, she likes to have the apartment to herself once in a while, at least after the kid goes to sleep. For another, she wants me to be happy. She likes and trusts my friends and knows that we won’t do anything stupid, and fully supports my efforts in keeping the gang together. **The only complaint she has is that she doesn’t see my friends often enough - she feels that she has to work on the single one, get him to settle down, and that me and my other friend are just encouraging his lifestyle**. What’s wrong with his lifestyle? IMO it should be encouraged.😃 ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2014, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/57 "2014-09-10T16:40:50Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > That’s the cool thing about being a geek. Married, single who gives a damn - there’s a new edition of D&D out! Actually, me and a bunch of old friends used to play D&D online with each other via one of those software packages that facilitates it. Can’t remember the name though. We used Skype for chat, and the program to do the dice rolls, show maps, photos, etc… It wasn’t quite like doing it in person, but compared to the alternative of not doing it at all, it was great fun, and something we could do after the kids were in bed, and when we were scattered across the country. ---
**Author:** ![MaverocK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@MaverocK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaverocK)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2014, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/58 "2014-09-29T01:42:46Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > That means less time with you. Why? What if my feelings get hurt? ☹ > [@nani](#): > > So you think that these friends of yours, who have new relationships that they are excited about and building, have the same amount of free time as before, but are choosing to spend that time avoiding you and the group because they see single men as lonely and weak? Well, that’s one way to look at it. > [@Arrendajo](#): > > What makes you think unattached men are lonely? My perspective. > [@Arrendajo](#): > > I mean, they have their buddies to hang out with. Horney, sure, but not lonely. Perhaps, I wasn’t clear enough. Lonely in the sense of “no relationship”. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > What an odd theory. What an odd choice of words. 🙂 > [@Telemark](#): > > As a recently married man I think you’re projecting. > [@Maastricht](#): > > I’m thirding the projecting thing. > [@sandra\_nz](#): > > But I think the OP is doing a lot of projecting. Perhaps, we should approach from a different angle: it is you who is projecting when you say that I am projecting? > [@nani](#): > > So you think that these friends of yours, who have new relationships that they are excited about and building, have the same amount of free time as before, but are choosing to spend that time avoiding you and the group because they see single men as lonely and weak? Well, that’s one way to look at it. > [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > I think that’s a very self-centered **delusion**. I would call it a perspective. > [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > Most people have less time for their friends when they are in a relationship due to simple math. I am not talking about the amount of free time that they have. I am rather talking about their changing behavior/approach towards me and my/our group. > [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Because you provide friendship. She provides friendship plus sex. So, friendship is more important than sex? ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2014, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/59 "2014-09-29T11:58:56Z")
> [@MaverocK](#): > > Perhaps, we should approach from a different angle: it is you who is projecting when you say that I am projecting? No, we are not. You’re projecting because people in relationships don’t generally have the thoughts you are ascribing to them. The world doesn’t revolve around you or owe you friendship. ---
**Author:** ![MaverocK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@MaverocK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaverocK)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2014, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539/60 "2014-10-11T19:47:20Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > No, we are not. Perhaps, you think that you are not because it hurts your ego to not accept that you are. 🙂 > [@Telemark](#): > > You’re projecting because people in relationships don’t generally have the thoughts you are ascribing to them. The world doesn’t revolve around you or owe you friendship. How do you know that they do not have such thoughts? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-abandoning-old-friendships-when-they-find-a-partner-or-gf/697539.md?page=4)