# Men and sexual assault **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 19, 2010, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024 "2010-05-19T17:34:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/101 "2010-05-21T17:52:05Z")
How should you know. I thought you’d _never_ ask. Now, other than you, who is talking about equating the fear felt by women with the experiences of men? ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/102 "2010-05-21T18:28:50Z")
> [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](#): > > How should you know. I thought you’d _never_ ask. > > Now, other than you, who is talking about equating the fear felt by women with the experiences of men? Just ignore **Dio** , he’s talking about his daughters again. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/103 "2010-05-21T18:46:56Z")
I’m a thread participant with my own trauma described above. I think it is entirely true that for the most part I do not carry within me a perpetual fear of sexual assault. I would go for a 2 AM stroll through absolutely any neighborhood in any of the 5 boroughs of New York City without a second thought. I don’t refrain from ending up alone with any human being out of concern that by doing so I’ll be making myself vulnerable to sexual coercion. Even the most likely sexually-_related_ violence, which is the risk of being queer-bashed by some thick-necked knuckle-dragging fratboy suburbanites who decide I must be a faggot\* just doesn’t rise enough above the “highly unlikely” risk category to impinge upon my plans or my feelings when I’m out and about. I am not often inclined to rush to the defense of _Diogenes the Cynic_, but I think he’s fundamentally right. I think it’s a gendered difference. The fact that some males do sometimes experience sexual assault beside the point, I think in general an awareness of the risk of sexual assault colors the everyday experience of most women and of very very few men. - You don’t have to find male folks sexually alluring to experience the thrill ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/104 "2010-05-21T18:58:05Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > How should I know? > > One guy claiming to have been abused by one woman is not what I’m talking about, anyway. I’m talking about the generalized, constant wariness that all women have to live with about men. Guys aren’t walking to their cars with one hand on the pepper spray in their purse just in case a woman jumps out of the dark and attacks him. > > It’s something that women always have to think about, and it’s a _physical_ fear that men don’t have to live with. As far as I can tell, the topic of this thread is _not_ the equating of abused men and abused women and, other than you, no one is really dwelling on it. Take the hijack elsewhere, please. ---
**Author:** ![coboremy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85e7bf/32.png) [@coboremy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coboremy)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2010, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/105 "2010-05-22T08:15:49Z")
I have a submissive personality. I am that way with men and women. I’ve been “raped” by women with strap-ons and loved it. I have been tied up and used against my will by a group of men. Biggest fantasy is being subjugated by a dominatrix. I exist to please others so I’m not sure I can be assaulted sexually. I like it too much. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2010, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/106 "2010-05-22T20:02:19Z")
> [@coboremy](#): > > I have a submissive personality. I am that way with men and women. I’ve been “raped” by women with strap-ons and loved it. I have been tied up and used against my will by a group of men. Biggest fantasy is being subjugated by a dominatrix. I exist to please others so I’m not sure I can be assaulted sexually. I like it too much. If it is voluntary and sought after, it is _not_ rape. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2010, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/107 "2010-05-22T21:08:54Z")
This thread just took a turn for the hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/108 "2010-05-22T21:40:04Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > This thread just took a turn for the hilarious. Please take your “hilarious” elsewhere. This is a serious issue, and hijacking will not be tolerated. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/109 "2010-05-23T03:19:05Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s something that women always have to think about, and it’s a _physical_ fear that men don’t have to live with. First, not all women live in permanent fear of being assaulted. Second, _physical_ domestic abuse of men by women isn’t an unknown phenomenon(\*). Finally could you stop hijacking the thread with your man vs woman comparisons? (\*)I guess that, although it’s always mentioned, I underestimated the difficulties a man envisioning to complain (be it to the police, friends or relatives) about abusive wiwes/girlfriends/whatever would have to face. I realize that reading comments like “that’s laughable” in response to a poster stating that he was in a abusive relationship, on a board where people are generally more educated and informed than the average population and more well-behaved than in most other forums. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/110 "2010-05-23T12:14:11Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > First, not all women live in permanent fear of being assaulted. I have to agree with this. I don’t take every step in fear. I don’t fear every man I know. I’m _wary_, but I think as much about robbery prevention and avoiding traffic accidents, if not more. Rape is a hazard I do my best to avoid, but it’s not some bogeyman I’m obsessed with on a constant basis. As for domestic abuse of men - it does happen. I’ve known two men who got restraining orders for ex-wives, and I have an in-law who has, on multiple occasions, been beaten so badly by his wife as to be hospitalized for weeks at a time. Does this extend into sexual abuse? I have no idea, I don’t know any of those men well enough to inquire and they haven’t volunteered the information, but it’s not beyond possibility. But really, this shouldn’t devolve into a man vs. woman thing. It’s like discussing breast cancer. Sure, it mostly affects women but it CAN affect men and when it does it’s just as nasty and serious as when it affects women. It shouldn’t be about who has the most “valid” experience or who suffers most or who is at highest risk - sexual assault is WRONG regardless of who perpetuates it and who it is done to. ---
**Author:** ![Gustav](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/919ad9/32.png) [@Gustav](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gustav)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/111 "2010-05-23T14:02:34Z")
So apparently both men and women alike should live their lives in fear of being attacked by men. Which is a bit of a pisser for the guys, because women can elect to only be friends with other women, but men consequently have no choice but to surround ourselves with savage predators on a daily basis. And we don’t even have purses to keep our pepper spray in. It’s a dangerous world out there folks… ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/112 "2010-05-23T14:26:45Z")
> [@Gustav](#): > > So apparently both men and women alike should live their lives in fear of being attacked by men. Did you bother to read the thread? ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/113 "2010-05-23T15:04:31Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > But really, this shouldn’t devolve into a man vs. woman thing. It’s like discussing breast cancer. Sure, it mostly affects women but it CAN affect men and when it does it’s just as nasty and serious as when it affects women. It shouldn’t be about who has the most “valid” experience or who suffers most or who is at highest risk - sexual assault is WRONG regardless of who perpetuates it and who it is done to. In a reasonable world, this would be all that needed to be said. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/114 "2010-05-23T17:58:58Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > So that means… he’s afraid his girlfriend is gonna beat him up? That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about - any man who would say something like that needs to grow a pair. My younger brother is 6’3 and about 190 pounds of solid muscle - under 7% bodyfat. His ex girlfriend used to beat him with her fists (she was 5’10 and also a boxer/weightlifter) when she accused him of cheating. He took it a few times, but eventually learned to wrap her in a bear hug from behind so her arms were pinned at her sides when she flew into a rage. In public, he would walk or jog away from her. But there is a double standard - nobody’s going to think a big guy like him was getting pounded; he can’t retaliate either. ---
**Author:** ![sjc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@sjc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjc)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/115 "2010-05-23T20:32:59Z")
I’m a 5’4" man. I’m shorter than a lot of women I know, though I probably weigh more than some of the women that are slightly taller than me. I’m not particularly weak, but I’m almost entirely unaccustomed to engaging in physical violence. I’m sure that there are plenty of women who could kick my ass. I’m not less of a man because of this, I’m just a smallish non-violent type of guy. I really feel like it’s offensive to laugh or question a person’s manhood because they are smaller and don’t like to fight. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2010, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/116 "2010-05-24T15:00:38Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > My younger brother is 6’3 and about 190 pounds of solid muscle - under 7% bodyfat. His ex girlfriend used to beat him with her fists (she was 5’10 and also a boxer/weightlifter) when she accused him of cheating. He took it a few times, but eventually learned to wrap her in a bear hug from behind so her arms were pinned at her sides when she flew into a rage. In public, he would walk or jog away from her. But there is a double standard - nobody’s going to think a big guy like him was getting pounded; he can’t retaliate either. Even that would probably get him arrested for abuse if she chose to press charges, in some jurisdictions. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2010, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/117 "2010-05-24T22:43:02Z")
Oh, no doubt. It’s absurd. Either way, I’m proud of how he handled it - for a guy who is famous for making bad decisions, he never made a wrong one with her (besides dating her, of course). ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/118 "2010-05-25T00:04:03Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > snip … I realize that reading comments like “that’s laughable” in response to a poster stating that he was in a abusive relationship, on a board where people are generally more educated and informed than the average population and more well-behaved than in most other forums. Well it’s interesting isn’t it? I don’t think men get off any better than women when dealing with this issue and Joe Public. A sample of men I know who’ve been assaulted sexually - I know a few guys who’ve been beaten up, no sex involved - one of those can’t leave a club now unless the taxi is waiting outside, he’s really suffering a fear of the streets: 1. Friend tells me about some sort of fisting situation he got into as a young boy around 9 years old. 2. Friend who was anally raped in an alley on the way back from the pub - age 17. 3. Forced to kiss an older girl around 15. Sounds trite, but he said something was taken from him that day. None of these men would have come out with these stories until I’d been telling them of some of my experiences. None of them had ever talked about it before. The friend 1. can’t meet my eye these days, I think he’s afraid I’ll “tell”. Eventually things will change, but judging the responses to this and the other relevant threads … it’s taking longer than we thought. ---
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024/119 "2010-05-25T19:30:19Z")
I just want to say that I think that all the men who have come forward in this thread and spoken about what happened to them are very brave. Sexual abuse and assault is wrong no matter if the perpetrator is male, female, or other. It breaks my heart that y’all have to deal with dismissive and belittling responses. Anyone who tells you you’re less of a man, or that you’re weak or you deserved what happened, it’s THEM who aren’t ‘real men’. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-and-sexual-assault/540024.md?page=5)