# Men are very wary of 20 and 30 something female virgins - Is it with good reason? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 8, 2006, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907 "2006-09-08T13:56:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/1 "2006-09-08T13:56:11Z")
Re [this Salon article](http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2006/09/06/virgins/) (req short ad preview) the notion seems to be that mature female virgins are potential oddballs who will fixate on you and/or have high emotional expectations for the man who is their first, and potentially be very emotionally vulnerable. I could see this for teenagers, but is there any truth to this for mature female virgins re the expectations, and fixating and vulnerability part? As an adult female gets older, and is still a virgin should the red warning lights flash faster? Should they flash at all? Intro to article below > [@](#): > > Sept. 6, 2006 | When Amanda was 26 years old she found herself in a familiar but awkward situation: She was still a virgin and the guy she had been dating for three months didn’t know it. She wasn’t ready to sleep with him yet, but she was close, real close. One night they were at his house, making out on the couch, when he asked her, “When’s the last time you had sex?” The question was blunt and unexpected. She didn’t know how to answer, and she didn’t really want to. “One year? Two years?” She didn’t respond. “Don’t tell me you’re a virgin?” he blurted as he abruptly pulled away. “No offense, but most people do that in high school,” he told her. He acted like a victim, she says four years later, telling her that none of his friends would ever sleep with a virgin, that he’d already slept with two and would never do it again. About a week later they went to the movies together, and afterward, he walked her to the car. She leaned in to kiss him and he backed away, “like I was some disgusting object.” > > “It made me scared to date, scared to talk to guys. It was like, ‘Oh my God, they’re all going to do this,’” she says. She still tried, occasionally, and after about a year she met another guy, someone else from work. But then he also didn’t know she was a virgin, and one night when they were practically naked together in bed it happened again, almost in the exact same way. He asked her about former lovers, and while she laughs nervously now as she retells the story, it wasn’t funny then. It reminded her of the last time and she started to cry. But this guy was actually nice about it, telling her things like “That guy was such an asshole” and “You should say you just haven’t found the right guy; be more self-confident.” It made her feel better, and when he left he said he’d call her the next day. But he didn’t call until the following week and things went downhill from there. “He never really said it was because I was a virgin,” Amanda says. “But that was the point when everything shifted.” ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/2 "2006-09-08T14:15:59Z")
Aren’t male virgins put in the same spotlight? ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/3 "2006-09-08T14:16:54Z")
I’d love to find one of these women! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/4 "2006-09-08T14:18:10Z")
[QUOTE=FriarTed] I’d love to find one of these women! [/QUOTE] Or more so. After all, female virginity is still prized by some people/some cultures. The OP is so alien to me I can hardly understand it…men getting turned off and disgusted by virgnity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some are, but to think the majority are? Not my experience, for sure. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/5 "2006-09-08T14:28:57Z")
[QUOTE=astro] I could see this for teenagers, but is there any truth to this for mature female virgins re the expectations, and fixating and vulnerability part? As an adult female gets older, and is still a virgin should the red warning lights flash faster? Should they flash at all? [/QUOTE] I would expect a teenager just to be a girl having sex for the first time. If she was a 30 year old, I would expect that she had been saving herself for something special. If I was a guy just playing the field, I would be worried about her becoming emotional/clingy/whatever. I totally get that vibe. I would seriously wonder why she hadn’t had sex before, and have to really be into her to want to go through with it. > [@Anaamika](#): > > The OP is so alien to me I can hardly understand it…men getting turned off and disgusted by virgnity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some are, but to think the majority are? Not my experience, for sure. After a certain point, I see it. Who made the joke about the Islam martyrs in heaven. . .a virgin or two might be nice, but after a while you’re like, “bring in a professional, would ya?” ---
**Author:** ![flyboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4da419/32.png) [@flyboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flyboy)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/6 "2006-09-08T14:29:13Z")
I also have no idea where these people are coming from. I don’t think I’d ever date a virgin knowing that she’d never have sex with me until we were married, but I’d have problem dating one if she just hadn’t found the right guy. Either way, I wouldn’t react as if she had leprosy. ---
**Author:** ![Autumn\_Almanac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d26b3c/32.png) [@Autumn\_Almanac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autumn_Almanac)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/7 "2006-09-08T14:29:29Z")
[QUOTE=Anaamika] The OP is so alien to me I can hardly understand it…men getting turned off and disgusted by virgnity? [/QUOTE] Um, yeah… that’s really weird. A lot of men don’t care one way or the other, of course, but IME it’s somewhat common for men to be wary of sluts and desire a virgin. In fact I’ve never heard a guy say that virginity was undesirable in a woman. (Que discussion of double standard of male vs. female promiscuity.) ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/8 "2006-09-08T14:30:04Z")
[QUOTE=Anaamika] Or more so. After all, female virginity is still prized by some people/some cultures. The OP is so alien to me I can hardly understand it…men getting turned off and disgusted by virginity? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some are, but to think the majority are? Not my experience, for sure. [/QUOTE] The article seems to be addressing fear of virginity (by men) mainly in the context of the potential dam of pent up expectations that will break once the act is consummated, and flood the countryside with emotional expectations. ---
**Author:** ![flyboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/4da419/32.png) [@flyboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flyboy)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/9 "2006-09-08T14:30:56Z")
Make that, “I’d have _no_ problem dating one if she just hadn’t found the right guy.” ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/10 "2006-09-08T14:31:58Z")
[QUOTE=Trunk] Who made the joke about the Islam martyrs in heaven. . .a virgin or two might be nice, but after a while you’re like, “bring in a professional, would ya?” [/QUOTE] That would be “Dennis Miller.” ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/11 "2006-09-08T14:49:48Z")
[QUOTE=astro] The article seems to be addressing fear of virginity (by men) mainly in the context of the potential dam of pent up expectations that will break once the act is consummated, and flood the countryside with emotional expectations. [/QUOTE] See, I’ll grant that that’s probably far-fetched. As if you’d wake up the next morning and she’s saying, “OK, when can you meet my parents?” But, that said, I’d definitely be more worried about it with a 30 year old virgin than with a non-virgin. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/12 "2006-09-08T16:06:53Z")
I dated a 30-odd year old male virgin and wouldn’t ever do it again. It had all the hallmarks of screwed up, stalker behavior. If we shared the same values (both of us saving ourselves for marriage) it would be different. But he was “forgiving me” for my indiscretions - fine if I’d regretted any of them. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/13 "2006-09-08T16:17:50Z")
Advice to you CNBC\* people out there: 1. Lie. 2. Manage your expectations carefully. 3. Study non-celibate behavior and model it. 4. Lie. In the words of a [salon.com](http://salon.com) reader, “This debate is all about society’s need to crush everyone who doesn’t strictly conform to its ‘mainstream’ dictates.” Don’t let yourself be crushed. \*Celibate, Not By Choice ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/14 "2006-09-08T16:26:20Z")
[QUOTE=FriarTed] I’d love to find one of these women! [/QUOTE] You, my friend, are behind me in the looooooong queue ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/15 "2006-09-08T16:44:47Z")
[QUOTE=chowder] You, my friend, are behind me in the looooooong queue [/QUOTE] You can have my spot. You guys seriously want to line up for a 30 year old virgin? It’s not a 17 year old virgin. It’s a 30 year old virgin. You really think that’s hot? You really want to be a 30-year old’s first lover? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/16 "2006-09-08T17:00:15Z")
Go with that thought. What does it mean to you? What does it _have_ to mean to the rest of us? ---
**Author:** ![Mouse\_Maven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@Mouse\_Maven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mouse_Maven)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/17 "2006-09-08T17:03:32Z")
If things had been different, I would have been one of these 20-30 something female virgins. I was painfully shy and very serious in High School and during my first years as a full-time college student. Working, studying and trying to get through the academic process ate up the time that my comtemporaries spent dating and having sex. There is nothing wrong with a woman who has never had sex. She may have been to busy with getting her career started to date or maybe (gods forbid) she wanted to know who she was before she shared herself with another person. ---
**Author:** ![parrot\_recipes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/439d5e/32.png) [@parrot\_recipes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/parrot_recipes)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/18 "2006-09-08T17:10:24Z")
Its been my experience that guys want a virgin, no matter the age. They want to be the ones to “take the innocence.” And they won’t think, “Gee, hes not that good.” ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/19 "2006-09-08T17:14:18Z")
While I won’t be lining up anytime soon (I value my life and Mrs. D\_Odds would be taking it away if I did), I can honestly say that regardless my age, it never mattered. All that ever mattered was whether or not she wanted to do it. If yes, let’s go. If no, let’s stop. If waiting for a ring, however, that would have been another story. I wasn’t about to make that kind of commitment without a test drive (never encountered that situation, though). ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2006, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907/20 "2006-09-08T17:14:33Z")
The less rational side of my brain entertains a few fears about dating a 30-year-old virgin. -What if she’s that way because she sex has never been a priority for her? What if that doesn’t change? -What if she discovers she loves it so much that she suddenly feels compelled to fuck every guy she sees? (Happened to a friend of mine.) -What if her first time results in “That’s it? That’s what the big deal is? Gee, I barely even felt a thing.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-are-very-wary-of-20-and-30-something-female-virgins-is-it-with-good-reason/371907.md?page=2)