# Men Choosing to Disengage from Emotional Involvement with Women (... and Bears) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 16, 2024, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627 "2024-05-16T10:50:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 12
**Author:** ![Shakester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shakester/32/437_2.png) [@Shakester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shakester)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/232 "2024-05-19T16:10:19Z")
> [@Babale](#): > > Well, you can take responsibility for your attitudes and behavior, or you can throw your hands in the air and say that there’s nothing you can do. If you choose the latter path, you’ll very likely continue to get the same results you have so far. I am being the best person I can be, I have put a shit ton of work into it, and my many close friendships prove that I have made great progress over the course of my life. If you’d known the fucked-up kid I was and could see the well-liked and respected person I have become, you’d be surprised at how far I’ve come. > [@Babale](#): > > This is the attitude I am talking about. Really, you’re so freakishly skinny that the only women who will even look at you have a _fetish_? Unless you’re “bloated stomach and skeletal limbs in advanced stages of starvation” skinny, I highly, highly doubt that this is true. Again, I think you might be surprised. Women just aren’t into thin guys. It’s rarer than guys that are into obese women, I can promise you that. ---
**Author:** ![Shakester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shakester/32/437_2.png) [@Shakester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shakester)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/233 "2024-05-19T16:16:40Z")
> [@Humans](#): > > Grow a full beard I’ve done that. I kind of liked it but as far as I can recall it made zero difference to anyone’s interest in me. I’m not that hairy, anyway, so it was more of a van dyke with a bit of fuzz at the sides. ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/234 "2024-05-19T16:24:00Z")
> [@Shakester](#): > > Again, I think you might be surprised. Women just aren’t into thin guys. You don’t need a woman who is specifically “into” thin guys. That’s my whole point. > [@Shakester](#): > > It’s rarer than guys that are into obese women, I can promise you that. Relationships between men and obese women that are based around the man having a fetish for obese women are often unhealthy. Not every man who is in a relationship with a woman who is obese is in that relationship because of a fetish for obese women. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/235 "2024-05-19T16:24:30Z")
Contact the queer eye on the straight guy folks. Maybe you can get someone else to pay for a makeover. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/236 "2024-05-19T16:28:05Z")
Also, i haven’t dated much, because I got married young and am still married. But i dated a skinny guy, and often find skinny guys attractive, fwiw. I’m not especially into skinny guys or anything, they just often look good to me. But i was serious about working out. Many women find strength attractive in men. And it would make you look more “rugged” and help with the face, too. ---
**Author:** ![Humans](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/dfb087/32.png) [@Humans](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Humans)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/237 "2024-05-19T16:31:18Z")
What you don’t have in looks you can make up in money in many societies. Do you have a good paying job? If so and you’re still having issues try going to some poor country and save yourself a poverty stricken lady and give her a good life. Win win ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/238 "2024-05-19T16:32:29Z")
> [@Shakester](#): > > My chin is weak, I’m very short-sighted and wear thick glasses. I don’t like contacts and I’m not getting lasered. Too old for that now anyway, I think. - Chin implants aren’t terribly expensive. The two friends I know who’ve gotten it are delighted with it. - High-index lenses for your eyeglasses are much thinner than regular lenses for the same correction. And therefore more comfortable to wear. - Why not get lasered? ---
**Author:** ![Chingon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chingon/32/17645_2.png) [@Chingon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chingon)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/239 "2024-05-19T16:35:40Z")
I learned a while back that some people aren’t actually looking for help, they’re seeking pity. Just give them what they want and move on. Focus first on helping those who are receptive to it. ---
**Author:** ![Shakester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shakester/32/437_2.png) [@Shakester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shakester)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/240 "2024-05-19T16:37:18Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > Gay men who are skinny often work out to build muscle mass to attract other gay men. That might be something you can do. And buying a set of weights is pretty affordable. (You didn’t need giant weights.) > > What do you bring to a potential relationship? It’s a cliche but there’s some truth to the idea that men are looking for beauty and women are looking for power/wealth/influence. I’ve been doing a bit of that already, but my arms are never going to be impressive. I’m stronger than I look, but that doesn’t mean much. And as for point two: I’m not well off and never will be. And I’m fine with that, and now that I have my housing issues sorted, I’m actually fine for money. I don’t need much in this world, which is handy as it’s turned out. But yeah, status, not really. I’m a creature of the margins. Was never going to be a career guy, where I’m from that wasn’t really a thing anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Shakester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shakester/32/437_2.png) [@Shakester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shakester)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/241 "2024-05-19T16:43:36Z")
> [@Humans](#): > > What you don’t have in looks you can make up in money in many societies. Do you have a good paying job? If so and you’re still having issues try going to some poor country and save yourself a poverty stricken lady and give her a good life. Win win Sadly no, I am poor, never had any real chance of a career. Anyway, I want to be liked for who I am, not for what I can buy. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/242 "2024-05-19T16:46:29Z")
> [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > > [@thorny\_locust](#): > > > > But the implication I’m getting is that there’s no reason to talk to women except either in the hope of getting to ask them out, or as practice for asking other women out. > > This. So many of the contributions to this thread seem to revolve around this undercurrent of “How can I talk to a woman so I can get closer to her?” with no real interest in the person beyond her possible sexual availability, or at least her utility as an appendage to fill a man’s needs. An undercurrent which sadly characterizes so many of us wimmins’ experience in real life. I suppose you can blame the societal convention where it is typically the man’s job to be the initiator. Because I’m pretty sure most women at some point want sex and many might not mind having long-term male companionship. The challenge for women is fending off every dipshit who thinks they have a chance with her and then weeding out the ones who aren’t full of shit. ---
**Author:** ![Shakester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shakester/32/437_2.png) [@Shakester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shakester)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/243 "2024-05-19T16:50:39Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > - Chin implants aren’t terribly expensive. The two friends I know who’ve gotten it are delighted with it. > - High-index lenses for your eyeglasses are much thinner than regular lenses for the same correction. And therefore more comfortable to wear. > - Why not get lasered? I do have high index glasses, they’d be worse if I didn’t. Lasers to the eyeballs don’t really appeal. And I think I’m past the age cutoff, they recommend permanent implants instead. I do a bit of close work so I like being able to take my glasses off and see things up close in perfect detail. Would probably lose that with lasers or implants. And chin implants, yeah. Fixing one thing would just make everything else look even weirder. Pretty much need to remodel my entire head, and that’s not going to happen. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/244 "2024-05-19T17:05:51Z")
> [@Chingon](#): > > I learned a while back that some people aren’t actually looking for help, they’re seeking pity. Just give them what they want and move on. Yeah, it took me longer than it should’ve to realize this–but despite how it might have seemed at first, it doesn’t seem like @Shakester is open to ideas on improving his chances of having a love life. To each their own. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/245 "2024-05-19T17:07:20Z")
I don’t like to approach this situation as a problem that can be fixed with a chin implant or something. Maybe the situation is as you see it. Maybe there are no single women for you. Maybe life is fundamentally unfair that way. What now? For a lot of us, life has stuff in it we don’t want, that we have to accept. Having difficulty finding a mate is an example. Maybe when we accept it, we become more attractive to others. Or maybe we don’t, but we are at least suffering less in relationship to reality. ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/246 "2024-05-19T17:14:18Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I don’t like to approach this situation as a problem that can be fixed with a chin implant or something. Me neither, but for a different reason. I can guarantee you that there are men with far weaker chins who nevertheless have found love. The chin isn’t the problem here, and shallow solutions like “get a chin implant” or “grow a beard” are missing the point. ---
**Author:** ![Shakester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shakester/32/437_2.png) [@Shakester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shakester)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/247 "2024-05-19T17:17:03Z")
Anyway, I’ve spent way more time than I should have here. I do have some insight into why men might give up, anyway. I’ve tried to share that. It ain’t easy, and the further you deviate from what society says a man is supposed to be, the harder life is. It’s all very well asking men to be open and talk about their feelings. To become vulnerable. But this is what happens: people just line up to tell you how wrong you are and how much of a failure you are. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/248 "2024-05-19T17:19:59Z")
> [@Shakester](#): > > Anyway, I’ve spent way more time than I should have here. I do have some insight into why men might give up, anyway. I’ve tried to share that. You have offered insight into why you’ve given up. It has absolutely nothing to do with the man/bear meme, though. That’s about how women react to strangers, not how they react to men they meet in ordinary social settings, with lots of people they know hanging around and vouching for you. I wish you luck, whatever form that might take. ---
**Author:** ![Jay\_Z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Jay\_Z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jay_Z)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/249 "2024-05-19T17:20:39Z")
> [@EddyTeddyFreddy](#): > > This. So many of the contributions to this thread seem to revolve around this undercurrent of “How can I talk to a woman so I can get closer to her?” with no real interest in the person beyond her possible sexual availability, or at least her utility as an appendage to fill a man’s needs. An undercurrent which sadly characterizes so many of us wimmins’ experience in real life And… you think women don’t do this? That, when they want a relationship, they won’t show interest in him that isn’t really sincere, but is just there because of what they want at the time? I think that plenty of women see men very superficially as well as the other way around. Maybe they want “a relationship”, but they want the features of the relationship more than the man involved in it. ---
**Author:** ![Humans](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/dfb087/32.png) [@Humans](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Humans)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/250 "2024-05-19T17:27:08Z")
“grow a beard” and " get a chin implant" are not comparable advice. While growing a beard is a natural way to hide a weak chin, it’s also not weird or extreme in any way even if youre not looking to hide your chin. It’s reversible, free and not harmful. More men should have beards even if they’re not self conscious. Everyone shaving their beards is a weird concept to me, it’s like everyone shaving the hair on their heads for no reason at all, even if they’re not balding. If you were a male lion you wouldn’t shave off your mane. ---
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2024, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627/251 "2024-05-19T17:30:38Z")
> [@Humans](#): > > “grow a beard” and " get a chin implant" are not comparable advice. While growing a beard is a natural way to hide a weak chin, it’s also not weird or extreme in any way even if youre not looking to hide your chin. It’s reversible, free and not harmful. More men should have beards even if they’re not self conscious. > > Everyone shaving their beards is a weird concept to me, it’s like everyone shaving the hair on their heads for no reason at all, even if they’re not balding. > > If you were a male lion you wouldn’t shave off your mane That’s all fine, and I’m not anti beard. I have a beard at the moment, and have for a few years now. It also is completely tangential to the point I was making, which was that the solution to this issue has nothing to do with superficial changes to appearance _at all_. Grow the beard, lose the beard, chin implants, working out… none of those things are the central issue here. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627.md?page=11) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-choosing-to-disengage-from-emotional-involvement-with-women-and-bears/1001627.md?page=13)