# Men, how would you handle this situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2008, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583 "2008-09-21T21:21:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/21 "2008-09-22T01:24:50Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > You are still in the car on the way to her home? Just do it on the spot and be done with it. Unless you are virtually at her door and it’s quite a long drive. This is the right answer. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/22 "2008-09-22T01:42:47Z")
> [@phouka](#): > > What I really don’t get is how any person can be so cavalier about sex - the origin of new life, beginning of deep intimacy, possible cause of deadly contagion, and source of some really enjoyable aerobics - that they treat their partner with less courtesy than another person at the bus stop. > > Color me perplexed. Sweetheart, how many times does this have to be repeated? SEX MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! I can totally see how some people can be so cavalier about sex, because I am that cavalier about sex. Sex isn’t the origin of new life for me. I have an IUD. It’s not necessarily the beginning of deep intimacy. I’m not looking for that. It can be a possible source of deadly contagion, but condoms reduce that risk considerably. The enjoyable aerobics thing I can agree with. There’s nothing about it that I find inherently meaningful. It can be meaningful, sure, but it sure doesn’t have to be. That doesn’t mean that I have sex indiscriminately. I don’t. But if I want to have sex with someone, I do. And if I don’t want to do it again, I don’t. If you find that repugnant, well, I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve known you a long time through this board and I’ve always liked you and respected you. I don’t remember you ever pulling this Church Lady routine before. So maybe you could just accept that some of us handle our sex lives differently than you do. And if you want to talk about how you just don’t understand how people could have casual sex, great. Start a thread. Coming into a thread where we’re talking about casual sex in order to tell us that casual sex is bad just makes you seem like a judgmental busybody. And you’re not a judgmental busybody. (Or if you are, you’re generally damn good at hiding it.) I agree with **PastAllReason** that thinking that the woman will be oh-so-heartbroken because you don’t want to fuck her again is a bit presumptuous, but I also think that it’s a good idea not to give someone the false impression that you want to see them again if you don’t. So I vote returning and getting the item on the spot if possible. If not, see if you can find some way to get it back to her without seeing her. Mail it, leave it on her porch, leave it on your porch to pick up, whatever. If that sort of thing is impossible, then you should give it to her face-to-face. But tell her that you’ll be on the way to an appointment or something so you have an excuse to get out of there expeditiously. The mailbox thing? Federal offense, AFAIK. Maybe there are exceptions. I don’t know. But in general, it’s a good idea to avoid doing stuff that can be construed as messing with the mail. Those postal cops can be hard-core. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/23 "2008-09-22T02:13:06Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > SEX MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! Different strokes for different folks? ::d+r:: ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/24 "2008-09-22T02:20:25Z")
[QUOTE=Green Bean] Sweetheart, how many times does this have to be repeated? SEX MEANS DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! [/QUOTE] Okay, honey, obviously _this_ bears repeating because it hasn’t soaked in: casual sex isn’t a ticket to be rude. There’s a difference between casual and just plain nasty. A person can be indifferent as all hell and still treat other people like, well, people instead of ambulatory sex organs. Don’t want to see the person again? Perfectly legit. Not every encounter has to ‘lead to something’ and plenty of them probably aren’t intended to extend beyond uncoupling, wiping off, redressing and parting. Which is fine too so long as both parties know that’s at least a possibility. But even sex of the most casual variety doesn’t excuse treating a former partner like a leper either. Frankly the whole twitchy avoidance thing is the creepiest part of this whole scenario for me. Anybody old enough to bump groins, casually or not, should be mature enough to handle something so ridiculously mundane as returning a forgotten item. If it can’t be returned handily at the time–too far to drive, to late, whatever–then a simple phone call the next day will cover all bases quite effectively. “You left your partial plate/bra/diaphragm at my place last night. When would be a good time to get it back to you?” If the hypothetical man is blah about a possible repeat, odds are the woman wasn’t overwhelmed either. And even if she _was_, best all around to be very clear it ain’t happening. A quick, civil phone call to arrange the return of a misplaced item isn’t anything more than a person should do for a stranger. Sheesh. Whatever happened to at least trying to handle adult stuff with aplomb? ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/25 "2008-09-22T02:37:23Z")
> [@TVeblen](#): > > Whatever happened to at least trying to handle adult stuff with aplomb? I assumed the reason he didn’t want to see her was because she didn’t want to do the thing with the plumb. Oh, sorry … ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/26 "2008-09-22T03:20:18Z")
I think you’re missing the point, **Veb**. **Phouka** came into a thread about a casual sex etiquette issue to express disapproval of casual sex. That’s like coming into a thread about the latest Project Runway to express disapproval of reality shows. I don’t think returning the item to someone in such a way as to minimize contact is “rude” or treating somebody like a “leper.” I didn’t get the sense that anybody was saying that you shouldn’t call to arrange the return of the item in a convenient and expeditious manner. Everybody was saying that you SHOULD do exactly that. But there’s no reason to create an uncomfortable situation for one or both of you when the item in question can simply be tucked behind the screen door. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/27 "2008-09-22T04:25:55Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > I think you’re missing the point, **Veb**. > > **Phouka** came into a thread about a casual sex etiquette issue to express disapproval of casual sex. That’s like coming into a thread about the latest Project Runway to express disapproval of reality shows. Maybe she did a smidge, but mainly she was just confused. I don’t understand why you’re making a big deal out of this. Maybe I should just let her speak for herself :smack: [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/28 "2008-09-22T04:34:20Z")
[QUOTE=Green Bean] I think you’re missing the point, **Veb**. **Phouka** came into a thread about a casual sex etiquette issue to express disapproval of casual sex. That’s like coming into a thread about the latest Project Runway to express disapproval of reality shows. [/QUOTE] I don’t think you read what **Phouka** wrote carefully enough. Here’s what she actually wrote, with bolding added for emphasis: > [@](#): > > **I get that, and I’ve been there, but really bad sex doesn’t excuse being an asshole to someone.** Neither does being uncomfortable - unless that discomfort was a reasonable fear that she was going to harm you physically or emotionally. > > What I really don’t get is how any person can be so cavalier about sex - the origin of new life, beginning of deep intimacy, possible cause of deadly contagion, and source of some really enjoyable aerobics - **that they treat their partner with less courtesy than another person at the bus stop.** She said she’d ‘been there’, in fact. Her main point of disagreement/perplexity was using sex, in any of its many permutations, as an excuse to treat an ex-partner more callously than one would a total stranger. I think she’s innocent of both threadshitting and of condemning casual sex. Maybe we’re reading this very differently but I don’t think **phouka** deserved being slammed. ---
**Author:** ![constantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3bc359/32.png) [@constantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/constantine)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/29 "2008-09-22T05:21:17Z")
Ok, I’m confused. A few people have said: having “casual” sex with someone is no excuse to be an asshoole. Ok, check. agreed. But what does that have to do with the question in the OP? Let’s forget the sex part of this entirely. Say somebody comes to my house (for a bbq or something, let’s say it’s a friend of a friend). And they leave something at my house, and I’m not crazy about the person, and would kind of rather not deal with them anymore. Now all of a sudden I’m an asshole because I mail it back to them? The OP did not say, should I throw this thing off the roof or burn it? He asked, what’s the best way to _ **get the item back** _ to the person while minimizing contact with them. Is it “presumptuous” to assume that the other person is eager to spend time with you? Maybe. But I don’t think so. It’s possible to get into a situation where somebody kind of freaks out and is looking for any excuse to continue an interaction even though you have decided that you just want to move on. having been through that before, I can easily understand somebody who decides he doesn’t want to chance it. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/30 "2008-09-22T12:40:00Z")
> [@TVeblen](#): > > I don’t think you read what **Phouka** wrote carefully enough. Here’s what she actually wrote, with bolding added for emphasis: > > She said she’d ‘been there’, in fact. Her main point of disagreement/perplexity was using sex, in any of its many permutations, as an excuse to treat an ex-partner more callously than one would a total stranger. > > I think she’s innocent of both threadshitting and of condemning casual sex. Maybe we’re reading this very differently but I don’t think **phouka** deserved being slammed. **Veb** no go back and read her first post in this thread (#3) > [@](#): > > How about not sleeping with people you aren’t interested in seeing ever again? **Green Bean** is correct. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/31 "2008-09-22T13:29:32Z")
[QUOTE=Rick] **Veb** no go back and read her first post in this thread (#3) **Green Bean** is correct. [/QUOTE] Dang. Right you are, **Rick** , and wrong am I. **phouka** did specifically criticize casual sex. I clean missed it. Apologies to all, especially **Green Bean**. (Though I still feel bad about **phouka** , a kind, thoughtful poster to my memory.) ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/32 "2008-09-22T14:12:32Z")
(Never mind. My reading comprehension has obviously gone down.) The best and most polite thing in this situation would be something that doesn’t give the woman false hopes of more contact. Returning the item to her as soon as possible would be the best thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Santo\_Rugger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/33 "2008-09-22T15:54:45Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Sex isn’t the origin of new life for me. I have an IUD. It’s not necessarily the beginning of deep intimacy. I’m not looking for that. It can be a possible source of deadly contagion, but condoms reduce that risk considerably. The enjoyable aerobics thing I can agree with. There’s nothing about it that I find inherently meaningful. It can be meaningful, sure, but it sure doesn’t have to be. How _you_ doin’? 😉 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Coil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Coil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coil)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/34 "2008-09-22T17:23:13Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > The mailbox thing? Federal offense, AFAIK. Maybe there are exceptions. I don’t know. But in general, it’s a good idea to avoid doing stuff that can be construed as messing with the mail. Those postal cops can be hard-core. Ok, without going into whether it is good etiquette to drop of the item in question in the mail box, I’d like to ask about the legality of it. Do you mean that in the US it would be forbidden to drop something off for someone in their mailbox? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/35 "2008-09-22T17:27:42Z")
You want to handle it graciously. Right _now_ you might not want to sleep with her again, but who knows what the future might bring? One should never heedlessly destroy an opportunity for sexual congress that might prove valuable in a future dry spell. ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/36 "2008-09-22T17:36:05Z")
> [@Coil](#): > > Ok, without going into whether it is good etiquette to drop of the item in question in the mail box, I’d like to ask about the legality of it. > > Do you mean that in the US it would be forbidden to drop something off for someone in their mailbox? 😕 Technically. But it usually isn’t enforced unless somebody makes a complaint. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/37 "2008-09-22T17:37:10Z")
> [@kidchameleon](#): > > Technically. But it usually isn’t enforced unless somebody makes a complaint. I’ve done it many times. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/38 "2008-09-22T17:38:36Z")
> [@Coil](#): > > Ok, without going into whether it is good etiquette to drop of the item in question in the mail box, I’d like to ask about the legality of it. > > Do you mean that in the US it would be forbidden to drop something off for someone in their mailbox? 😕 “Title 18 U.S.C. 1725 prohibits the deposit of unstamped “mailable matter” in a letterbox approved by the United States Postal Service, and violations are subject to a fine.” [http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&vol=453&invol=114](http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=US&vol=453&invol=114) Even if you couldn’t be fined it’s still pretty silly. Call her up, alert her to the forgotten item, and set up a time that is convenient for you both for the item to be returned. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/39 "2008-09-22T17:49:06Z")
> [@TVeblen](#): > > Dang. Right you are, **Rick** , and wrong am I. **phouka** did specifically criticize casual sex. I clean missed it. > > Apologies to all, especially **Green Bean**. (Though I still feel bad about **phouka** , a kind, thoughtful poster to my memory.) I should have been clearer in my original post. But thanks. > [@constantine](#): > > Ok, I’m confused. > A few people have said: having “casual” sex with someone is no excuse to be an asshoole. > Ok, check. agreed. But what does that have to do with the question in the OP? Let’s forget the sex part of this entirely. Say somebody comes to my house (for a bbq or something, let’s say it’s a friend of a friend). And they leave something at my house, and I’m not crazy about the person, and would kind of rather not deal with them anymore. Now all of a sudden I’m an asshole because I mail it back to them? This was what I meant to be getting at in the first place. I guess a lot of people feel that when they’ve had sex with someone, that person automatically owes them something other than basic courtesy. It just depends on the circumstances by which you ended up having sex in the first place. The problem comes when one party interperets things one way, and the other party interperets things the other. > [@Silver\_Fire](#): > > “Title 18 U.S.C. 1725 prohibits the deposit of unstamped “mailable matter” in a letterbox approved by the United States Postal Service, and violations are subject to a fine.” Thanks for getting that cite. I didn’t realize that the law specifically applied to “mailable matter.” ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2008, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583/40 "2008-09-22T17:59:21Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > I didn’t realize that the law specifically applied to “mailable matter.” Non-mailable matter, as defined by the postal service, would probably get you into trouble whether it was stamped or not. Non-Mailable Matter Definition A variety of materials are restricted for mailing by the U.S. Postal Service; the main non-mailable categories are those that are harmful, dangerous or offensive to human beings or other mail. Under certain provisions and by special arrangement, items in some of the foregoing categories can be mailed. Items such as radioactive materials and dry ice are under special regulations; contact Mail Services for further information. The mailing of fraudulent or illegal matter, i.e., chain letters is prohibited. From here: [http://adminrecords.ucsd.edu/ppm/docs/553-3.html](http://adminrecords.ucsd.edu/ppm/docs/553-3.html) Probably shouldn’t be dropping anything in anybody’s mailbox, really. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-would-you-handle-this-situation/464583.md?page=3)