# Men how you feel about being quizzed about your "3, 5 and 10 year life plans" on a first date? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 26, 2014, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525 "2014-08-26T02:11:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/101 "2014-08-30T10:49:40Z")
I think what is happening is some guys seem to forget that undesirable women exist. So in their head, they are willing to “get to know” any woman-- but they just aren’t factoring in the cat-lady hoarder or the drug abusing prostitute as a “woman” they might be dating. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/102 "2014-08-30T12:50:23Z")
> [@Killing\_Time](#): > > Good point. Would you say that women are assessing chemistry as well? It’s been my experience that they usually are. yes, that is why I said for women there is often a THIRD criteria. > [@](#): > > Sure - it just seems that men are more willing to flesh that out over time without awkwardly forcing the issue at their first meeting. If you are looking for a LTR, why would you flesh that out over time, its as easily established as chemistry - more subtly than “what is your three year plan.” With physical intimacy happening so quickly in a 21st century relationship for most people, if you aren’t interested in sex with THAT PERSON outside its LTR potential, you have to establish it quickly. Sex for women is still often a complicated thing - and some women aren’t thrilled about one night stands and guys they regret. > [@](#): > > You seem to be saying that men are only interested in brief sexual encounters, and women are only interested in long-term relationships. Do you really think that’s true? Nope. Plenty of women are only interested in sex - or maybe interested in a LTR with someone other than you but only want sex from you (this seems to be the case if you are a guy in a band, for instance). And plenty of men are looking for LTR, but maybe they only want sex from the woman they are currently with and don’t see her as LTR material. But if you aren’t going to hand out sex outside of a LTR - or at least a potential LTR with this particular guy - then establishing who this guy is is a gating factor in moving on to something other than a quick good night kiss that dodges the lips. ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/103 "2014-08-30T18:58:01Z")
I’m not even sure of that question in a job interview. It seems so…1990s. Having long-term goals is good. Having a 10-year life plan just feels odd. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![7e42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/7/51bf81/32.png) [@7e42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/7e42)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2014, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/104 "2014-08-30T19:07:27Z")
> [@GrumpyBunny](#): > > I’m not even sure of that question in a job interview. It seems so…1990s. > > Having long-term goals is good. Having a 10-year life plan just feels odd. > > YMMV. especially since things like “ongoing employment” is out of your control ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/105 "2014-08-31T11:34:55Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > Or an open invitation to be as dark as possible. > > "Have you ever skinned a man, Lauren? While he was still breathing and squirming? > > It’s a remarkably difficult job, dancing that line between agony and death, but I find I have developed a sort of… finesse for it." This is…wonderful! Where, on earth, did it come from? If you made it up, you are my new hero! In re the OP, I would think I would fall in love. A woman who is that mercenary could only help me to save money, and would not allow me to spend any of it on stupid things like jewelry or flowers for her. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/106 "2014-08-31T15:17:25Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I think what is happening is some guys seem to forget that undesirable women exist. So in their head, they are willing to “get to know” any woman-- but they just aren’t factoring in the cat-lady hoarder or the drug abusing prostitute as a “woman” they might be dating. Yes, yes, these women are just doing the equivalent of filtering out the crack-whores, crazy cat ladies and incontinent octogenarians. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/107 "2014-08-31T17:07:21Z")
How would I feel being asked that? It depends. Is this before, during, or after sex? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/108 "2014-08-31T17:20:52Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Yes, yes, these women are just doing the equivalent of filtering out the crack-whores, crazy cat ladies and incontinent octogenarians. I hate to say it, but the guy who spends more hours on WOW than working, the 35 year old who starts the day with a bong hit and the grown man who can’t do laundry or cook a meal are the equivalent of these things. It amazes me how many guys don’t take care of themselves at all, and yet would never dream of dating someone with their exact same flaws. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/109 "2014-08-31T20:55:10Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Yes, yes, these women are just doing the equivalent of filtering out the crack-whores, crazy cat ladies and incontinent octogenarians. Can I ask how men filter out golddiggers? Women who are only interested in getting nice dinners and presents in exchange for sex. Who would marry you, but expect you to support them for the rest of their lives. I mean, not the golddiggers who are obvious about it by asking about your three year plan, but the ones that are subtle and likely to entrap you when they discover your earning potential meets their criteria. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/110 "2014-08-31T21:07:07Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Can I ask how men filter out golddiggers? I’ve heard of men renting/borrowing cheap cars as “golddigger filters” (even using that exact phrase). ---
**Author:** ![Killing\_Time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/76d3ee/32.png) [@Killing\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Killing_Time)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/111 "2014-08-31T21:13:40Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > If you are looking for a LTR, why would you flesh that out over time, its as easily established as chemistry - more subtly than “what is your three year plan.” Hmmm…could have sworn we covered this. Because asking blunt questions like: “What is your 3 year plan?” Is awkward and frankly a bit creepy, and smacks of desperation. There are reasons why we don’t ask blunt questions. After all, a man _could_ go on a first date and say, “Do you have large supple breasts and a sufficiently wide pelvis to deliver children?”, but men don’t tend to do that, because they likely would not have a second date with that person. [EDIT: Not to say that men don’t often say stupid things, of course] > [@](#): > > Nope. Plenty of women are only interested in sex - or maybe interested in a LTR with someone other than you but only want sex from you (this seems to be the case if you are a guy in a band, for instance). And plenty of men are looking for LTR, but maybe they only want sex from the woman they are currently with and don’t see her as LTR material. But if you aren’t going to hand out sex outside of a LTR - or at least a potential LTR with this particular guy - then establishing who this guy is is a gating factor in moving on to something other than a quick good night kiss that dodges the lips. Hmmm… that makes your previous comment puzzling: "So why would I waste time if you didn’t have long term potential? It isn’t like he’s going to waste time with me if it obvious I’m not going to put out. " I mean, that sounded like you were implying that women only want long term potential, and men only want a woman to put out. I’m not trying to put words in your mouth; I’m just reading what you wrote. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/112 "2014-08-31T21:41:36Z")
> [@Killing\_Time](#): > > Hmmm…could have sworn we covered this. > > Because asking blunt questions like: “What is your 3 year plan?” Is awkward and frankly a bit creepy, and smacks of desperation. There are reasons why we don’t ask blunt questions. After all, a man _could_ go on a first date and say, “Do you have large supple breasts and a sufficiently wide pelvis to deliver children?”, but men don’t tend to do that, because they likely would not have a second date with that person. [EDIT: Not to say that men don’t often say stupid things, of course] > Hmmm… that makes your previous comment puzzling: > > "So why would I waste time if you didn’t have long term potential? It isn’t like he’s going to waste time with me if it obvious I’m not going to put out. " > > I mean, that sounded like you were implying that women only want long term potential, and men only want a woman to put out. I’m not trying to put words in your mouth; I’m just reading what you wrote. Then you are having a hard time with words like some, and when… And I’ve been pretty clear - yep, three year plan isn’t subtle at all - creepy is a fine word. But a women who intends to have a LTR does have a right to start off finding out if your life goals and hers match. Why bother wasting both your time if that isn’t the case? Why would you let feelings grow and develop between you and someone who intends to go to grad school next year halfway across the country when you’d never leave your family and friends to move out of state? ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2014, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/113 "2014-08-31T21:49:27Z")
> [@Killing\_Time](#): > > How would you define the word “sponging”? I’m not sure it’s relevant to this discussion. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with living with your parents for a time after college, for example, but if you’re not working and not trying your hardest to get started on your own independent life, there comes a point where that word applies. > [@Killing\_Time](#): > > Because asking blunt questions like: “What is your 3 year plan?” Is awkward and frankly a bit creepy, and smacks of desperation. There are reasons why we don’t ask blunt questions. I thought the thread was about the general idea of asking for someone’s three- and five- and ten-year plans, not about using the exact words “What is your three year plan?” That phrasing might be off-putting but there’s nothing wrong with the topic of conversation. ---
**Author:** ![Killing\_Time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/76d3ee/32.png) [@Killing\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Killing_Time)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/114 "2014-09-01T03:31:03Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > I’m not sure it’s relevant to this discussion. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with living with your parents for a time after college, for example, but if you’re not working and not trying your hardest to get started on your own independent life, there comes a point where that word applies. What a strange response. You wrote: “I don’t agree that the “sponging off your parents” thing is primarily financial anyway.”, then I asked you how you would define “sponging”, and you responded by saying it’s not relevant to the discussion. Do you have a habit of bringing up topics that you don’t believe are relevant? At any rate, I think you missed the point. My question is, if you don’t think the phrase “sponging off your parents” is related to financial matters, then how are you defining “sponging” where it is not related to money? It means getting things for free, doesn’t it? > [@](#): > > I thought the thread was about the general idea of asking for someone’s three- and five- and ten-year plans, not about using the exact words “What is your three year plan?” That phrasing might be off-putting but there’s nothing wrong with the topic of conversation. No, the thread is specifically about asking the question in that particular way. Did you read the OP? In fact, if you would care to read ALL of my posts, you would see that I am suggesting there are other ways to glean such information without asking the question in that particular way. I don’t see anything wrong with asking your date what they do for a living or where they live, but asking for their “10-year plan” seems creepy to me. Don’t let it ruin your day though - we don’t all have to agree on everything all the time. ---
**Author:** ![DingoelGringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@DingoelGringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DingoelGringo)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/115 "2014-09-01T03:34:48Z")
> [@astro](#): > > The topic is making conversation but the suggestions in this video’s suggestion come across (to me) like ham handed job performance or job interview questions. How would you react to a woman wanting to know your your 3, 5 and 10 year “life plans” on a first date? > > [First Date Go-To Conversation Topics In Case You Panic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__Nv4f1PyNo) I’ve met a few and also who want to know how many credit cards I have and what their limits are ---
**Author:** ![DingoelGringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@DingoelGringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DingoelGringo)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/116 "2014-09-01T03:39:45Z")
> [@astro](#): > > The topic is making conversation but the suggestions in this video’s suggestion come across (to me) like ham handed job performance or job interview questions. How would you react to a woman wanting to know your your 3, 5 and 10 year “life plans” on a first date? > > [First Date Go-To Conversation Topics In Case You Panic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__Nv4f1PyNo) Since I am already 68 years old and 9 years since a triple bypass surgery where I was told I had a 50 50 chance of living another 5 years I have no 10 year plan. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/117 "2014-09-01T03:51:41Z")
> [@Killing\_Time](#): > > Do you have a habit of bringing up topics that you don’t believe are relevant? I didn’t bring it up. Someone else brought it up and I commented on it. > [@](#): > > At any rate, I think you missed the point. My question is, if you don’t think the phrase “sponging off your parents” is related to financial matters, then how are you defining “sponging” where it is not related to money? It means getting things for free, doesn’t it? I think it means living with your parents instead of pursuing an independent adult life when you’re otherwise capable of doing so. Someone who is trying their hardest to land a job out of college, for example, I’m sympathetic to. Someone who’s not looking for work because he’s living at home and already has his needs met is a different story. > [@](#): > > No, the thread is specifically about asking the question in that particular way. Did you read the OP? Yes, and I posted in this thread a couple of times already. In fact I’m going to quote the OP now. > [@astro](#): > > The topic is making conversation but the suggestions in this video’s suggestion come across (to me) like ham handed job performance or job interview questions. How would you react to a woman wanting to know your your 3, 5 and 10 year “life plans” on a first date? > > [First Date Go-To Conversation Topics In Case You Panic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__Nv4f1PyNo) The OP talks about _asking_ about those plans. He doesn’t say it would have to take the form of “What is your three-year life plan?” The thread title has a longer version of the same quote. > [@Killing\_Time](#): > > In fact, if you would care to read ALL of my posts Ugh. Based on your attitude, I definitely do not care to. And if I ever want you to explain a thread to me, I’ll ask. If not, you don’t need to bother. ---
**Author:** ![Killing\_Time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/76d3ee/32.png) [@Killing\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Killing_Time)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/118 "2014-09-01T05:53:11Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Then you are having a hard time with words like some, and when… Don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. Sounds sarcastic, so I’ll just say don’t get your panties in a wad and let’s all try to be nice. > [@](#): > > And I’ve been pretty clear - yep, three year plan isn’t subtle at all - creepy is a fine word. But a women who intends to have a LTR does have a right to start off finding out if your life goals and hers match. Why bother wasting both your time if that isn’t the case? Why would you let feelings grow and develop between you and someone who intends to go to grad school next year halfway across the country when you’d never leave your family and friends to move out of state? We’re just going in circles now. On a first date, I would generally ask things like, “Did you go to college?” If the person is planning to go to college out of state next year, I’m pretty sure that’s going to get mentioned. Like I keep saying, there are better ways to find out about someone than making it sound like a hellish job interview. So why are we still discussing this? ---
**Author:** ![Killing\_Time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/76d3ee/32.png) [@Killing\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Killing_Time)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/119 "2014-09-01T06:05:31Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > I didn’t bring it up. Someone else brought it up and I commented on it. Now you’re splitting hairs. You made a point of disagreeing with something I wrote, which wasn’t even directed toward you, then acted like you didn’t want to answer when I asked you to elaborate. I just find that odd. > [@](#): > > I think it means living with your parents instead of pursuing an independent adult life when you’re otherwise capable of doing so. I don’t think so. One could live with one’s parents and pay them rent. “Sponging” is a specific term that refers to taking from others without paying for it. > [@](#): > > Someone who is trying their hardest to land a job out of college, for example, I’m sympathetic to. Someone who’s not looking for work because he’s living at home and already has his needs met is a different story. So then you are sympathetic to someone who is trying to establish financial means, but not sympathetic so someone who is not. Tell me again how that is _not_ about money?😕 > [@](#): > > The OP talks about _asking_ about those plans. He doesn’t say it would have to take the form of “What is your three-year life plan?” The thread title has a longer version of the same quote. Actually, the OP wrote: “How would you react to a woman wanting to know your your 3, 5 and 10 year “life plans” on a first date”. “Life plan” is even in quotes. Seems clear to me. In fact, it seemed clear to most participants in this thread, other than you. > [@](#): > > Ugh. Based on your attitude, I definitely do not care to. And if I ever want you to explain a thread to me, I’ll ask. If not, you don’t need to bother. , Oh, I see. So based on reading only a small portion of what I have written, you _assumed_ what you thought my point was, reacted angrily to it, and aren’t interested in finding out what I was actually saying. Hmmm…can’t say I care much for _your_ attitude either. That’s an awfully big chip you’ve got on your shoulder. ---
**Author:** ![7e42](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/7/51bf81/32.png) [@7e42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/7e42)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2014, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525/120 "2014-09-01T06:28:17Z")
women set themselves up to be PLAYED because once they start asking all those stupid a$$ questions all the guy is going to do is LIE until he get them drawls:D [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-how-you-feel-about-being-quizzed-about-your-3-5-and-10-year-life-plans-on-a-first-date/696525.md?page=7)