# Men: If at 16, you had sex with your HOT teacher... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 8, 2014, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755 "2014-10-08T13:46:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![VarlosZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d78d45/32.png) [@VarlosZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VarlosZ)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/101 "2014-10-09T00:12:19Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > My point is that the crazy person doesn’t usually bang you out and then let you go on with your life. The sex is usually just a prelude to the crazy-- the manipulation, the head games, and the emotional vampirism. Teachers who pick out kids aren’t looking to give some lucky fellow a good time. They are looking for someone vulnerable that the can screw with, probably because she’s so batshit that grow ups won’t fall for it. How often is this the case? How do we know? And how confident are we in that judgment? ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/102 "2014-10-09T00:25:35Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Can we also point out that you were not chosen because you were the hottest sophomore on the block, but rather because she thinks you are easily manipulated and probably stupid? Great. It never even happened, and you’re still trying to make me feel like a loser? ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/103 "2014-10-09T00:45:30Z")
> [@Mr.Kobayashi](#): > > I voted no, but thinking about it it would probably make me an insufferably smug self-satisfied shit. Moreso, I mean. hahaha. This. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/104 "2014-10-09T00:50:13Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > “Not sure”; it depends too much on circumstances. > > In my view sex with under age, post pubescent teens, people who are old enough to be interested but too young to have good judgement isn’t wrong the same way sex with outright children is. Sex with children is wrong because of the harm it directly causes; sex with underaged teens old enough to want it (and possibly _initiate_ the relationship) is wrong because of the potential harm. > > It’s rather like the difference between deliberate murder and drunken driving. Murder is wrong directly, in itself; but drunken driving is wrong because it puts others at risk - plenty of drunken drivers reach their destination without hurting anyone, but that’s because they got lucky not because driving drunk is smart or ethical. I think there’s plenty of relationships between older adults and teens that _don’t_ end in trauma for anyone involved; but that’s because they got lucky, not because it’s a good idea. > > That said, I think that at the very least we need “Romeo and Juliet” laws to keep teenaged lovers from being punished for acting like teenaged lovers. And better sex ed to prevent some of those potential disasters from happening. I mostly second this, but there’s one other issue involved. Wherever you set the age of consent, there are going to be unprincipled people who try to skirt the boundary of the law (pun fully intended) and ‘game’ the law. Like, by saying ‘oh well she was ALMOST legal, come on.’ If you have an age of consent of 18, then those types of people are going to date 16-17 year olds, if you set the age of consent at 16 then some of them may try to push it even lower. I _really_ don’t want young teens having sexual contact with adults, or for that matter with anyone. So this would be an argument for setting the legal age relatively higher (at 18) so as to make it even less likely that adults are going to pursue the REALLY young teens. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/105 "2014-10-09T00:52:45Z")
> [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](#): > > Anndd you’d be incredibly incorrect. If therapists and mental health workers just wanted to have “victims” to treat, to make some easy money - I guess that’s what you’re implying, which also suggests you have wildly inaccurate ideas about how much the average therapist earns - they would treat the “walking well”, the mildly neurotic or people going through a rough patch. > > Therapists who work with sex abuse victims hear, absorb, and help their clients process some horrendous experiences. It’s emotionally wrenching work, and it takes a very strong therapist to do it for very long. My mother quoted a friend from Social Work school who lost it after doing an internship with sex abusers and survivors: “They’re fucking their _kids_, they’re fucking their _dogs_, they’re fucking their _vacuum cleaners_…” > > Most therapists I know would be very happy not to have any sex abuse victims to treat. Sex abuse therapists are going to be working with a biased sample though- the people whose experiences were traumatic and harmful- so the personal experiences of therapists are not necessarily going to be useful data from a statistical viewpoint. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/106 "2014-10-09T02:12:12Z")
Obligatory _Onion_ link: [Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship](http://www.theonion.com/articles/lonely-teacher-outcast-student-begin-somewhat-ende,21153/) ---
**Author:** ![Nema98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d2c977/32.png) [@Nema98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nema98)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/107 "2014-10-09T04:49:04Z")
Those numbers sure do not lie. ---
**Author:** ![Uzi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/91b2a8/32.png) [@Uzi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uzi)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/108 "2014-10-09T07:19:59Z")
> [@Rick](#): > > I know that if I had been offered the chance to do a hot teacher when I was 16 and I didn’t take her up on it I would still be kicking myself over 40 years later. This. It isn’t the sex that I’ve had that I regret, it is the sex that I could have had but for one reason or another didn’t! ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/109 "2014-10-09T07:27:56Z")
It would depend. I tend to get very attached to people I’m intimate with and she’d probably break my heart. Is suppose if she was very up front with me about the non-possibility of a real relationship I’d be better prepared to deal with the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Uzi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/91b2a8/32.png) [@Uzi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uzi)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/110 "2014-10-09T07:56:17Z")
> [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](#): > > Anndd you’d be incredibly incorrect Anndd we’re not talking about sexual abuse, we’re talking about a 16 yr old boy getting laid. Now if he was forced or had to wear a gimp costume, then, yeah, trauma. > [@](#): > > Therapists who work with sex abuse victims hear, absorb, and help their clients process some horrendous experiences. It’s emotionally wrenching work, and it takes a very strong therapist to do it for very long. My mother quoted a friend from Social Work school who lost it after doing an internship with sex abusers and survivors: “They’re fucking their _kids_, they’re fucking their _dogs_, they’re fucking their _vacuum cleaners_…” And I’m sure talking about it and reliving it continuously helps immensely. A few examples of therapists (along with the police) helping. [http://www.religioustolerance.org/ra\_reddeer.htm](http://www.religioustolerance.org/ra_reddeer.htm) ---
**Author:** ![DJ\_Motorbike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90ced4/32.png) [@DJ\_Motorbike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DJ_Motorbike)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/111 "2014-10-09T08:08:19Z")
Being a teenager sucks sexy older women don’t make it suck less. When events seem to contradict that fact it’s easy to ignore simply because it’s not normal. When I was in high school I had a music teacher who I was attracted to. She was in her late thirties. She gave me private lessons. I think there was an emotional attachment. Being a teenager I had limited confidence and couldn’t fathom that she was actually attracted to me. She was a teacher, and teachers don’t do that. Adding to my suspicions after I’d graduated I learned she had been going through a divorce at the time. Looking back I totally could have. If I’d been more emotionally mature something may have happened. Unfortunately, I was too unaware, in-confident, and clueless, thus there was no possibility of my having been harmed, helped or otherwise. Do I feel like a dodged a bullet? Hell no. ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 8:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/112 "2014-10-09T08:37:22Z")
Of course, there are endless imponderables here. However: I was not having sex with anybody at 16, or for several more years after that. (In fact, I went to an all-boys school, and had very little contact at all with any females who were not close relations and were even remotely within a suitable age range.) I firmly believe the intense sexual frustration I suffered through my teens screwed me up very badly. Sex - heck, even cuddles - with a girl my own sort of age could hardly have failed to make my life then, and since, very much better. Having it with an attractive female teacher (not that there were any at my school) or other adult woman might not have been quite as ideal, but could scarcely have failed to have been hugely better than the whole lot of nothing I actually had to endure. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 8:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/113 "2014-10-09T08:53:01Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > My point is that the crazy person doesn’t usually bang you out and then let you go on with your life. The sex is usually just a prelude to the crazy-- the manipulation, the head games, and the emotional vampirism. Teachers who pick out kids aren’t looking to give some lucky fellow a good time. They are looking for someone vulnerable that the can screw with, probably because she’s so batshit that grow ups won’t fall for it. Have we established yet whether or she’s hot, though? ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/114 "2014-10-09T09:52:41Z")
I’m a teacher, now in private education and previously in secondary education, and the thing is, for most teachers the kids they’re teaching are _children_ even if they’re old enough to legally have sex with someone else. I’ve taught boys who towered over me and had already fathered a kid and to me they were still children. You’re teaching them stuff, talking to their parents, acting in loco parentis, just doing all the sorts of things you wouldn’t do if you were a random person they met at a bar. I’m not there to be their best buddy or their lover, and they shouldn’t act towards me as if I were, nor I them. And you have training that teaches you to treat these kids as kids. If they do something bad, like push another kid, it’s not the same as one of your colleagues doing the same thing, because one is a child and one isn’t. So any teacher that did do this would be a bit messed up. > [@Roderick\_Femm](#): > > I’m pretty sure it would have changed my life dramatically, but I can’t say whether it would have been for good or ill. For although I am a man, my hot teacher would not have been a woman, and since I was deeply in denial at that age, to have had sex with an adult male would have jerked me right out of my internal closet. > > True story: when I was a senior in high school (so 17, not 16) my male English teacher had a southern accent and in general a mildly effeminate manner. However, I understood him to be married with children. He was, I think, in his 30’s. Anyway, one day near the end of the school year he offered me a ride to my house, so I accepted. Instead of just letting me out at my house, he stopped for a minute, and I think he asked if anyone was home. Then I got out and he drove off, but I wondered then and have always wondered since if he was considering making advances. The biggest difference between this and the OP’s scenario is that he was not remotely attractive to me at the time, and I have no idea how I would have reacted. On the whole, I think it’s better that nothing happened. Isn’t it more likely that he was just being responsible and checking someone was home for you? Why did he offer you a ride home? Were you being bullied at all, or seemed unhappy? Being friendly and worrying about your circumstances can sometimes be misconstrued as being sexually interested, especially by people who are inexperienced in knowing the difference. Hell, I’ve known adults get accused of flirting with other adults when all they were doing was being kind. I also used to work with a male secondary school teacher known as Big Gay Dave. Wasn’t gay, but had “the voice” and certain mannerisms that made him seem gay. Was happily married with kids, was fine with gay people if it came up (I’m gay, so that’s how I know), and was just a straight gay who didn’t seem it. Obviously even if he were gay it wouldn’t mean he’d actually come on to male students, but I guess it would make it as likely as a straight female teacher doing the same and getting a lift home is slightly unusual. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/115 "2014-10-09T10:07:45Z")
As was mentioned I think the young man is going to be forever traumatized and labeled as “the kid who had sex with his teacher”. Think about the media attention he and his family are getting, think about the trial the 2 women will get, think about the class reunions 20 years from now. For the rest of his life it will be something he will always be remembered by. Coworkers will ask about it. Future girlfriends will ask. His kids and grandkids will later ask. He could be a straight A student going to Harvard but this is what he will be known by (and with the internet people will always know). BTW, someday those 2 former teachers will get out of jail and just might come looking for him. It was his bragging that lead to their arrest. Maybe it would have been better if the teachers were quietly fired and the young man moved to a new school? ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/116 "2014-10-09T10:24:45Z")
When I was 16 I would have gone my Maths teacher given the slightest indication she was interested. As an adult, I saw directly the aftermath of my neighbor’s son getting it on with his PE teacher. Media circus, she got gaol, he stopped speaking to his mother who called attention to it and last thing I heard still hadn’t. That was over 10 years ago. His life and his whole families was changed massively ---
**Author:** ![Uzi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/91b2a8/32.png) [@Uzi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uzi)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/117 "2014-10-09T10:38:23Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > That was over 10 years ago. His life and his whole families was changed massively Depends on what you are suggesting messes a person up. Did the actual sex act cause the boy issues? Did the reactions of all the people to the sex having occurred cause issues? Your example points to this as being the answer. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/118 "2014-10-09T13:10:36Z")
I knew two different guys who slept with a female teacher in high school. They were both messed up, IMO, although they didn’t think so. I certainly didn’t look at them the way I looked at other people my age. Those guys were both cool and sort of icky at the same time. Ran into one of the guys one night, standing on a corner in the dark with a towel, away from the house so his his parents wouldn’t see, waiting for his teacher to pick him up so they could have sex in the car (the towel was per her instructions.) Hot and creepy at the same time, with a dash of sadness as we left him there waiting in the dark. He didn’t seem particularly happy in his odd relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Cubsfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Cubsfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cubsfan)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/119 "2014-10-09T13:19:05Z")
> [@njtt](#): > > Sex - heck, even cuddles - with a girl my own sort of age could hardly have failed to make my life then, and since, very much better. Having it with an attractive female teacher (not that there were any at my school) or other adult woman might not have been quite as ideal, but could scarcely have failed to have been hugely better than the whole lot of nothing I actually had to endure. This is one of the most difficult to read bits of English I’ve seen in a while. I’ve never had to slow down and reread a post so many times to make sure I understood it. Sex with women is nice. ---
**Author:** ![VarlosZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d78d45/32.png) [@VarlosZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VarlosZ)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2014, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755/120 "2014-10-09T13:43:37Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > As was mentioned I think the young man is going to be forever traumatized and labeled as “the kid who had sex with his teacher”. Think about the media attention he and his family are getting, think about the trial the 2 women will get, think about the class reunions 20 years from now. The student in these cases doesn’t get any media attention (in the U.S., at least). As far I know, their names are never made public. That also all depends on the affair coming out and the shit hitting the fan. Not to state the obvious, but we only ever hear about the instances in which they get caught. I would assume (but cannot prove) that \*most \*such dalliances never come to light, and also that the relatively “healthier” relationships are more likely to remain a secret. > [@Cubsfan](#): > > This is one of the most difficult to read bits of English I’ve seen in a while. I’ve never had to slow down and reread a post so many times to make sure I understood it. Seemed perfectly comprehensible to me. Have another cup of coffee. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-if-at-16-you-had-sex-with-your-hot-teacher/700755.md?page=7)